How we #KeepItMoving: Summertime Edition

    The only reason I have any recollection of last summer is because of all the photos that pop up on my phone to remind me. But I can't believe it's summer...again. I don't want it to be summer again. I need time to freeze and rewind to Winter 2021, so I can bring Pat back. Over the past few weeks, people have asked how I'm able to juggle being a solo mom of seven and have asked how they can help. One of the things that I usually tell people is that "we do all the things." 

    Since our loss, we rarely stay in the house. It's crucial that we have things to look forward to. But at the same time, I make sure to schedule blocks of time where we have nothing planned so that we can just process and exist without obligation. Both of these things have been extremely helpful on our grief journey. Because I know that if I stay in the house too long, I'll melt into a puddle of tears; unproductive and unable to move. But I also know that too much busyness overwhelms me and adds to my anxiety. So, it's a delicate balance. This is how I learned that it's costly to grieve with kids. 

    When Patrick was here, we spent hours doing life with each other. We would limit our commitments to make sure we had time to enjoy one another and grow in God as a family. Just being together doing everyday things was an adventure.  We were very cautious not to get our kids involved in too many activities, as we were already a big family in ministry: That alone, kept us on the go.  But now...we do all the sports & all the activities. This is why I'm grateful for all the blessings and help that comes our way. I'm grateful that in Florida we have access to many free and low-cost activities and ways to enjoy nature. Beautiful distractions, including lots of #friendtherapy help us get through the days. So, this is what our summer looks like.  It's imperative that we #keepitmoving.  If you know someone who has grieving kids, please share this list with them.

Messy Grief: Transitions & Traditions Pt 2

    So I'm realizing that this journey is anything but linear. It's ugly, it's raw, it's random and so many other things.  As the season of Fall descended and the holidays started creeping up,  the messiness of the grief became more obvious.  To be happy/sad/grateful/angry/somber at any given time was a regular occurrence.  A few days ago, we had a conversation that really solidified that things would be different from now on, and forever.  

    The days leading up to a big day always seem to be the worst.  The day between Max's 13th birthday and Thanksgiving, the kids decided to start talking about our Christmas tree tradition.  To my surprise they wanted to go and get a live tree again.  "It's tradition," they said.  I snapped back, "So is having a husband and a father to choose the tree and carry it!" I was angry and the grief was so raw. I was trying my best to hold it together and I just blurted that out.  

    I ended up just having to tell them that I couldn't do a tree. I could not come home day after day to a tree that Patrick didn't choose, didn't put up, and wasn't going to come home to.  Just typing that really hit me. It just took me back to last year; I just knew I was going to bring him home. I was sure of it.  The kids were disappointed about the tree,  but I came up with an alternative.  I decided they that they could have a few little trees to decorate and honor Jesus and their Dad's tradition if they wanted to. They would have to keep them in their room.  

    So yes there is the big loss. But then, there are so many tiny secondary losses and realities.  The loss of beloved traditions. The realization that I have to make all of these decisions solo. The reality that someone will be disappointed, either myself or them.  I hate making that choice, but I have to.  I just can't do it.

                                                  *Christmas 2020, Keeping the Tradition*

August Family Update

 We started off August with our seventeenth wedding anniversary and ended with Elijah's 11th birthday.  As struggly as they both were, and everything in between, we're here.  Now having celebrated several birthdays, holidays and our anniversary, I'm learning that it's not as hard to brace for the big days. (I'll post more about this later) Here are the updates on what's been going on with us for the month of August. The schedules have ramped up and I'm still trying to get into a rhythm.  

We started off the month by hosting our first play date this year. We loved having friends over for a couple hours, it's therapeutic for them and me.

The kids got to do a few community service projects this month including stocking and organizing at the food pantry, Prayer and Produce with Preservation, and started working on a beautification project for New Life Village's rock garden. 

The kids and I did something new on our wedding anniversary and went to the Tampa Bay Buc's stadium for a back-to-school bash. Later,we were hosted for a delicious lunch from some of our oldest friends who are the owners of Tropical Smoothie Cafe. I made it through the day, with my sister in tow, and all of the kind messages truly helped. No matter how busy we tried to stay, a few of the kids didn't do so well.

A good friend who knew Patrick and I before we were us, came to town and I was so happy to be able to hug and talk with her in person. She's in the "club" also, and she and her husband were mentors while we were dating-such a godly couple.  She came all the way from Tallahassee and brought me a homemade carrot cake!

The older boys started basketball at another local YMCA and are truly enjoying it. They're learning and growing a lot for just having started the sport in June.  We switched Benji to Sports Discovery from gymnastics as he seemed to be getting a bit bored. This seems like a better fit. 

We joined our first homeschool co-operative, where homeschool families meet up once a week to teach a couple of subjects at a local church. So, the kids get their first dose of "School" as they have to change classes and turn in homework to someone OTHER than me. It's quite the adjustment for us, but they love it!  We even get to lead the group in morning devotional. The families, some of which have been our friends for about a decade, are so kind and supportive. 

The kids were over the moon when Wednesday night church started back up. Elijah was promoted to sixth grade so there was a special service to help him get acclimated in his progression from children's ministry to student's ministry. There was a worship night kickoff and ice cream social that was truly an impressive affair!

For counseling, we are still seeing two groups: one for the older ones and myself and another for the younger ones.  We added a third cord to the mix for Elijah, and we are hoping it continues to go well. The counselor is compassionate, understanding and can empathize with losing parents.  He also specializes in anger management as all of us are experiencing different levels of anger, I was pleasantly surprised to find a counselor that looks like him and promotes positive mental heatlh for all members of the community.  We will be starting back Kid's Grief Group next month.  

Every day leading up to Elijah's birthday was a STRUGGLE.  His was the first birthday we celebrated in this new chapter, in our new home. So, the arrival of it just solidified that we were celebrating this time around without our person. It seemed surreal.  I'm so grateful to everyone who sent wishes, gifts and showed up for his very last minute get together.  I knew that we had to get out of town, so we took a quick overnight trip, and he had a blast. I'll blog more about this separately. 

Community, Clock In!

I am constantly amazed and humbled at how our village of family and friends show up for us, especially in a clutch.  This month I've been overwhelmed at the response as I've reached out more and more for help.  I wouldn't use strong words like "routine" or "schedule", but I can say that I'm starting to see patterns in places where help is needed and effective.  Eight months into our journey and I have to say, it seems like it all just happened yesterday. It's not "Getting better" as some would absurdly suggest; but here are some examples of ways that the community has clocked-in for us.

After a long day at Homeschool Co-op, my sister and Brother-in-law came to the house to take Benji on a one-on-one. He got to go to dinner, the Lego store, and even rode the carousel. Although I was hosed up that day, having them step in and give him that solo time was so very helpful. On that same day, a family friend stopped by after a long day at work and put together bikes for Kendall, Max, and Elijah. 

One struggly Saturday, I was completely overwhelmed, and Patrick's close friend and his son came and took the boys for golf and pizza.  Although the rest of the day was crazy, it allowed them to have some guy time. On the same day, our friends took Avielle to do outreach, lunch and brough her home after. I had a lunch meeting and was surprised to come home, and my sister had come over to take Amira, Kendall and Benji on a neighborhood walk.

Last Saturday was unreal, and unexpectedly so.  The older boys are playing basketball this season on two different teams, with two different game times.  I hadn't fully planned on how that would work out or how tiny ones would get restless in between games.  I was also not prepared for the emotional fallout of a potential game loss. I was a wreck.  A friend came to take the older boys to lunch and to Bass Pro Shop and my sister saw me melting down and offered to take the Baby girls (Avi & Joy) later that afternoon to her house to chill and have some pool time.  That left Kendall and I to spend time together and take the little ones to the splash pad. 

And then, there are days like today. We were hosted for lunch and hugs, but I forgot we had piano. So, I made a call to our awesome music teacher and asked if she could meet us at our friend's house if we set up the keyboard and special space to practice. She graciously obliged and we got to have a great time on a day that started off rocky.  Then, we got home just in time to meet Ms. Jaclyn who came over to lead the kids in Bible Yoga as they focused and meditated on Isiah 41:10. They stretched, focused their minds on the Lord, and had a great time.  Then I received a message, "I'm having dinner delivered or y'all tonight."  

There have been days when it took several sets of people to help hold down the fort. We've had friends host us for breakfast, neighbors to deliver groceries and help me figure the gas can when I've run out of gas (and energy) and couldn't get the van to start. I've had a friend show up to meet us at the mall with tools in hand to replace my headlights and taillight bulbs!  My brother-in-law takes the boys for haircuts, friends send lawn care and dinner deliveries.  My accountability/pastors/counselors who send encouragement via text and calls. And to each and every prayer warrior- we appreciate you.   Every prayer turns into a small dance party, or a belly laugh, or a fun story about adventures with Dad. 

So, thank you, thank you, and may God bless you ten times above and beyond what you continue to pour out to our family. 

                                                                Courtesy of Bible Yogini August 2022

The Unanswerable Question Part 2: "How y'all doing?"

Today I figured I'd answer this question by giving a glimpse into our day. Today is Thursday, August 25, 2022 and here's how it went.

Mornings-Are still hard, and lately they've been getting worse. For a split second today, my eyes opened and I thought, "Okay, I'm okay. Okay enough to function." But within about five minutes, I'm back to, "How can I do this again. I can't get up, I won't."  I looked over and realized that Benjamin had slept through the night in the twin bed in our room for the second night in a row: Definitely counting that win.  As I've mentioned before, I try to schedule everything I can in the morning in an effort to get up and moving. Every Thursday for the majority of this year, I get up and take the littles to play/art therapy. Amira, Benjamin, Joy and Avielle rotate, so we're there for at least an hour and a half.  I knew I had to get up. When I got up, around nine, all of the kids were still sleeping. I yelled for them to get up and get moving so that we could go to Mrs. Katherine's.  With the exception of Kendall, who was headed for a morning at the mall with Mrs. Marcie, everyone got ready to pile into the van. Except for Elijah.  I asked everyone where he was and yelled for him several times.  This week, most of this month honestly, he's been very slow to come downstairs and start his day.  My guess is that he's been dreading his upcoming birthday. I'll post about this later in detail.

Usually I just yell upstairs, but this morning I wasn't having it. So, I charged upstairs to get him myself. When I got up to his room, he was just standing there. I asked him what he was doing, and he quickly looked over and grabbed the cologne and said, "I'm getting ready, putting on cologne." I know my son. My momma-sense went off and I looked at him in the eyes. I told him that I would do just about anything to fix this situation. I told him that it was unfair, and I knew he was angry.  I let him know that he was a great son and deserved his Dad. As we hugged, he held me so tightly while I cried. We were late for counseling.

Counseling went well in the sense that everyone enjoyed talking to the therapist and for the first time ever, Amira stayed with her and allowed me to leave the room to set the other kids up on their schoolwork in the lobby. Because we do schoolwork in the lobby of the therapist office, because that's our life.  At one point, Elijah was struggling with a math problem. He was using online scratch paper and it wasn't working out. So, I broke out my eyeliner pencil, and helped him write out the problem. He ended up with a 91% on the assignment, Max scored 100%. They are excellent at math, but I told them both that I was simply proud of them for pushing through. 

After counseling I visited the Chicago food truck since I was on that side of town to grab pizza puffs for lunch. I got there, ordered and began weeping. The last time I was there, Boyz II Men was playing on their radio. I cried then, too.  I stood there bawling and Joy asked, "Mom why are you crying, what happened?" I replied, "for the next ten years at least, I'll only be crying for Daddy."  All of the kids surrounded and hugged me through it. We only broke up the group hugfest when another patron walked up and said, "Ma'am I'm so sorry, excuse me but I can't get out."  Apparently, I had created a parking space and was blocking all of the other customers in.  We made it home, met Kendall and took a second to exhale from a long morning. 

The kids finally went down for a nap...at 4:15pm, Benji had to be at the YMCA for his sports discovery program at 5:15pm. I had to sit and make a decision whether to let them nap or risk the fallout of disappointment if he woke up and had missed his soccer session. This may seem small but trying to be a good mom, navigate fallouts, on top of vacillating between functionality and soul-crushing disbelief at any given moment is just...I have no words.

After all of this, I take the kids to one Y for Benji, and then back to another Y for Elijah's basketball practice. It's raining, Joy's crying, Avielle is withdrawn and sad, we haven't had dinner and it's 6:20pm, and my phone is dead. Thankfully, my sister and Leon remembered that I said I needed their help, so they met me at the Y and were able to stay with Elijah while I took the other kids home to eat dinner. 

My bed is full of clean laundry, but my kids don't have any motivation to put it away. I don't have enough hands or ears. "What does it matter? Who cares what we wear? Who cares where we go? What's the point of it all?" Some days are like this, and I can't even blame them. We ended the night watching a video of Patrick baptizing Elijah and Avielle last year. I don't know how tomorrow will look, but I want to thank you all, my village near and far, for every single prayer and caring deed. 

Elijah's Bday : Chicago 2019

Letter of Loss: The Purpose of the Blog (Jan. 2022)

 *This was originally sent out via email or facebook post at the beginning of this year. Newer readers of the blog can find a short version of our story below*

  On Saturday December 4, 2021, Patrick was out shopping for our Prayer and Produce Outreach.  The morning was usual, except I decided to bring the oldest four kids to him at Aldi and let him get a head start at the store where he would meet Aileen, one of our Community Outreach Leaders.  I pulled up and sent the kids into the store to help Patrick and Aileen shop and load the car with produce for the outreach that would start at 11:30am.  Earlier that morning at home, we decided that I would keep the youngest three with me as it had been hard on them to tag along as the outreach was during their nap/lunch time. That day, after dropping them off, I stayed close and went to Home Goods next door. I got a call from my oldest daughter Kendall about 20 minutes later from Patrick's phone, she said "Dad has a pain in his chest and needs you to come over." So I went over on foot, and when I arrived, he was in Aileen's truck partially reclined  and calmly said "I need you to bring the car." So, I got the van and drove around back to load him and take him to the ER. Patrick instructed Aileen on how to carry on with the prayer and produce without him. She later told me that he made her promise to "keep it going."  On my way to get the van, I called my sister Kandace and asked her to come get the kids.  The kids and I quickly dropped Patrick off at the ER and then I drove them home, about an 8 minute drive. I got them something to eat and ran back out to meet Patrick at the hospital. When I went in, they basically said that he had an aortic tear, and they could not operate and wanted to airlift him to Tampa General.  So, I tried to keep calm and keep him calm, as they made these preparations. After a while, they decided that moving him was too much of a risk and told us that the top heart surgeon was in route to Brandon  to operate on him.  The surgery was more than five hours and although it went well, Patrick's other organs did not tolerate the trauma of the surgery and six days later he passed. Kandace (my sister) was there with me and never left my side. The nurses and doctors worked so very hard, I watched them try everything they could think of. Everyone, every single person, of every age, race, theological background, was shocked. We were all waiting on the testimony of healing on this side. The immediate outpouring of love, support, and shared grief has been humbling. He was the very best of us. One of the last things he said to my (daughter) Avielle was "You did so good baby" as she was one of the most excited to do outreach on that Saturday and was helping him to shop.  Patrick turned down an opportunity to watch the Alabama game with my brother-in-Law, Leon because he had a one-on-one date planned with Kendall (our oldest daughter) later on that Saturday. 

The last thing he was doing before going into the hospital was spending time with his children and modeling servant leadership for them.  They were excited to go out with him and share the love of Jesus in the community. That's who he was.  One of his last accomplishments on the job as Director of Logistics, was finalizing a Mental Health Initiative for his employees that included paid meditation/prayer time, spiritual yoga, as well as other resources provided by the company.  He told me that a lot of people were hurting and going through, he took everyone's pain and story as his own.  Patrick never met a stranger, if you spent 10 minutes with him, you felt like you had gained a new best friend. So very genuine, kind and funny.  He was everybody's hype man, if you had any doubt about what you could do, he would make sure to encourage you.  I’ve known him for almost two decades. He was my very best friend and true love, my partner. He always made sure that the kids and I felt loved and prioritized. He loved the community, family, friends and all of our partners. One of our friends put it best, "the world will be a little darker without him here." Thank you for your support and prayers as we seek God for supernatural comfort, healing for our hearts, and next steps.

Blessings & Peace,

Keisha L. Wheeler

He was just here: Story of Two Photos

For the past week I've been working on photo projects, and I came across these two ...for a second time.  A few months ago, I saw these and I honestly didn't know how to process it. I still don't. One of the things I'm so grateful for, is the fact that I took photos and videos of almost everything.  But in the process, I learned to take several quick snaps in order to capture the right moment.  Often, I was trying to simply get all of the kids to look at the camera at the same time.  On this day, Patrick took the kids fishing. It was one of many times; he loved to fish.  Almost every time, it would take us forever to get set up only for one of the kids to have to potty and the whole trip would be a wrap. Or they would start arguing and scare the fish away.  They didn't understand that the entire pastime was predicated on peace, stillness, patience and quiet. The kids were just happy to be with their dad, doing anything.  And thankfully, I was in the background recording the moments.  

When I looked back at the photos, I realized that I snapped them a few milliseconds apart.  In one, Patrick hadn't yet walked into the frame and then in the other he had just walked in. But Avielle is in the same spot. Scrolling through the pics in reverse, it seems like one second, he was there, and the next he wasn't.  This is painful, this still feels mean and wrong. One day Avielle said, "God heard Dad telling me that he couldn't wait to babysit my kids when I grew up, and He still took HIM!" 

Prayers For My Babies

For some reason on today and yesterday, words and yearnings for my kids began to flow.  Although, I 'm still not praying much more than, "Thank you for salvation, thank you for my support system, thank you for provision." But my heart started to overflow, and I was able to put words to my hopes and fears for my children.  I had a short list of prayer warriors whom I had spoken with recently and I sent the requests to them.  So today, on this day....8 months since my world was rocked to the core, I'm sharing these specific requests. I'm hoping that this will give you all insight and guidance on how to continue to petition God on our behalf. You are so appreciated.

Benjamin

That he would continue to feel loved and accepted and that the anger will subside.  That God will soothe him and that we may support him in his healing. Also, that he would continue to be a light, a comforter, and a calming force.

Avielle

That God will put a hedge of protection around her and her gifting. That she will always feel her father near, and that she will not give in to the temptation and just give up. That she will believe in the goodness of the Lord. That God would place good people alongside her so that she will never feel alone or isolated in her calling. That she will find and rest in her true identity in Him, alone.

Elijah

That he would not quit. That he would tap into the calling and gifting that God has given him.  That he will press through and press on in honor of how Patrick raised him. That he would have things in life to look forward to and be comforted by the Most High God in a unique, almost smothering way! That he would believe in the goodness of the Lord again and wouldn’t be sidelined by fear of disappointment. That he will always feel close to Jesus and Patrick.

Christian

That God will draw him closer than ever before. That he would walk in his calling confidently and boldly. That he will understand that no amount of hard work or perfection will change God ‘s plan for his life, or God’s sovereignty. That he will learn to process through his grief in healthy ways and know that he is uniquely created, purposed, an amazing for whose he is. That God would put people in our lives to be role models for him and that he will know without a shadow of a doubt that he bears Patrick’s image in many ways. That he never feels alone.

     Kendall

That Christ would comfort her and remind her who she is in Him. That she  will have motivation to use her many gifts and talents to be a blessing to this world. That she will connect hard work and determination to good stewardship. That she will never lose the ability to wake up every morning expecting to see the goodness of the Lord in that day: walking in the light of the Lord and the legacy of her Dad. 

Joy

Joy is uber angry and confused.  Pray that God would do a thing and that she would hope again. That she would accept good things without fear of them being snatched away. And that God will just take her to new heights in healing and living in her Dad’s legacy. He’s the ONLY one who can. 

Amira 

That Patrick’s imprint along with the Holy spirit will always make sure that she feels “fathered." That He would soothe her in a supernatural way and keep all doubts, fears, and attacks of inadequacy out of her head. That she will continue to be a strong leader and lover of people. 

All Emptied Out

Waking up earlier than usual, dentist appointments, therapy sessions, meetings, meet-ups, etc.  all got overwhelming and I was tapped by the end of the week.  I actually had to stop and cancel my last meeting on Friday because I was just done.  I had no more go-go juice.  Coupled with the myriad of emotional highs, lows, triumphs, and trying moments-this week wore me out.  I was talking to one of the kids and they expressed a thought that I recently had myself "How do we keep doing this? How does it actually work?"  This referring to our abrupt, unwelcomed reality. So here are some revelations and realizations from the past seven days:

My Sleep

For the most part, I've been able to sleep better than I could have anticipated. Even in the beginning, with the right tea, essential oils and clearly much prayer from the village-sleep was had.  The mornings would try to choke me out, though.  As time has progressed, I've learned that sleep hasn't been a friend.  Most people say, "Get some sleep" or "Hope you rest well" and that's normal and I usually don't have a response.  But lately I'm learning that sleep can be both a friend and a foe. Yes, it closes the chapter on the day and allows me to put one more mark under the "Days I've Survived the Stupid", column. But no amount of sleep prepares me to face another day without my person. Our person.  It just reminds me that I am where I am. This is crazy; sleep isn't a friend at all. 

My Son

This week I watched Christian pour himself into leading adorable Kindergarteners in worship at Vacation Bible School. He couldn't sleep, he was so excited to wake up early each morning and go to his volunteer "job." He spoke with excitement about the kids' enthusiasm and dance moves. The songs spoke of God's design for us, and His creative nature.  As we walked through the parking lot at the end of each session, Christian would high- five the little ones on their way to the car.  This was his element.  I marveled at how God used my son, my  grieving son, to minister to others.  As the week waned, he was exhausted-physically and spiritually.  So my mommy-meter went off, and I took him aside and asked him about his Dad.  He needed that invitation to get some things out.  But for the rest of the weekend he was somber, particularly Sunday.   "At church they sing songs about God being all of these things, but He wasn't a healer. He did not heal him.  Everyone else is going home after church to hang out with their Dad, but not me." 

These beautiful children, deserve their Dad. 

The songs are still hard for us.

 My Soul

A few weeks ago, a song came to mind and even now I don't remember when or where I first heard it.  I sang it out loud to see if the kids remembered the rest of it.  The lyrics that did come to mind were "Awake , my soul, and sing; sing His praise aloud."  Kendall immediately and melodically chimed in and finished the song by Hillsong.  A few days later, she sent me a video of her singing the song and playing the chords.  Most of our close family knows that Kendall is the jack of all trades.  She can try something once and be instantly great at it. She can learn anything.  For whatever reason, she took that song and turned around and blessed me with it. I don't know what God is doing, I hear the messages that He is sending. Through my pain, anger, sorrow and disappointment, I still hear Him.

Today I went to church, and I sang. Even though I wasn't fully there, I knew what I was singing was true. I knew that the name of Jesus, my Jesus, Patrick's Jesus, could not be rivaled.

*I do not own rights to this beautiful music*

Counseling, Coping & Community: 6 Month Update

When people ask how we are doing, there is still no answer for that. Hopefully, the blog posts give a good indication of how we can be all over the place and in the same exact place on any given day. This makes no sense to us, but God is providing grace, love, support, comfort and continually meeting our tangible needs.  For that, we are grateful. Most people tell us to "expect a drop off in support as people will go on about their lives." But I cannot tell you how blessed I am to say that in our case, this isn't true. The support has been unending. 

In addition to our family and our close friends, here is a snapshot of what we have in place to help us along this uncharted and undesirable path.

Extracurricular Activities: (weekly) We are currently transitioning for the summer, but I have enrolled the kids in several creative and athletic outlets to get out their "big energy" and honestly give them something to look forward to.   Christian, Elijah, Avielle and Joy are enjoying and excelling in karate.  Benjamin is in gymnastics. We take Amira to open gymnastics, and she will be doing soccer in the fall.  Kendall starts art class next week and will try volleyball camp this summer.  Christian is still acting, and all of the kids will be participating in Vacation Bible School either as volunteers or participants.  Avielle and Elijah are set for Kid's worship camp where they will learn to sing, write and run the tech for worship service.  Boys are also trying their hand at basketball this summer at the Y.  Since all the kids love the water, swim lessons will be a high priority again this summer. 

Counseling: (Weekly)We currently have two different counseling setups. One is a Christian Counseling Group we've been seeing since the week of the Memorial Service.  I try to get in biweekly myself, and depending on the children and their needs, I will cycle them through on the other appointments.  The oldest four usually rotate in, depending on either their choice or observed behaviors/grief patterns during the week.  They have been very understanding and accommodating and we are grateful that it's close to our home.  In addition, the younger kids see a counselor who specializes in play/art therapy for younger children. I got to interview her via phone a few months back and was instantly impressed with her knowledge and her warmth. Avielle saw her for the first-time last week and told me that her time was helpful. As a backup, I also have a telehealth counseling service should the need arise.

Kid's Grief Group: (Bi-monthly) At the end of May was the last grief group for the kids until August. It was bittersweet as everyone seemed sad to say goodbye, the staff and counselors have been a godsend.  It was a short stint for us, so I think that even my kiddos were struggling as another one of their activities was coming to an end. Grief doesn't seem to take a moment off, so trying to navigate this through these months will be interesting. I'm thankful that they have another family event scheduled for July. It will be great to see everyone again.  Since we homeschool year-round, the "summer off" rhythm that many others seem to follow isn't familiar to us. I'll be back to update on what we find to fill this space, soon.

Church Community: I'm proud to say that we have four churches whose communities are united in serving and undergirding our family during this time.  This is what we call "the Body of Christ, being the Body of Christ", and I'm so honored and grateful for the covering. Some members provide biblical teaching and fellowship for our children. Others provide a safe space for when I am up to attending worship service. They also provide grief education and support for us and our support system.  Some brothers and sisters rotate weekly deliveries of family meals and helps with handyman work and cleaning. Another beautiful group of people check in with us on a daily basis, come by for quick hugs and drop small "thinking of you" gifts.  A few brothers and sisters open their homes as a haven for some solo time for my children saying, "whatever you need, whenever they need a moment-bring them here."  We also have at least five pastor-counselor-friends who check in on us several times a week providing counseling, prayer, and a listening ear.

Prayer Warriors: These are the friends of friends...of friends. The immediate family, non-immediate family. The coworkers of Aunties, the bible study group\members, the mother -in-laws of church members, Patrick's former colleagues, old classmates, online friends, former professors, ministers, pastors, children, music students, cashiers, delivery drivers, etc.  For all of the texts, calls, emails, letters, cards, etc. I can't even...I could never thank you all for continuing to petition the Father on our behalf.   

Family Updates For May

May kind of zoomed by, which I'm not sure is a good thing or a bad thing. There were days, moments that were almost unbearable.  We had one of the worst nights we've had since December. It all boils down to this: we just want our person back. I know that sounds crazy. I know the experts will say we're circling through the stages of grief and are back at denial, but we want our person back. We do. Be that as it may, the outpouring of support, stories and shared grief has helped us muster the strength to make it through May.

So here are the wins:

A List of Beautiful Things

• A friend gifted Joy and I a "Mommy and Me" decorating class and we enjoyed our time together
• The kids played the piano and sang on stage at our church for the first time in 2022 and since our loss.  Thanks to everyone who showed up physically and virtually to support my babies at the recital. They did the hard thing, and my heart was proud.
• We survived Mother's Day. A day that Patrick and the kids made me feel so special. The community showed UP and covered me in a way that was completely overwhelming. I was even able to walk into a bible study group and thank some of the prayer warriors in person. That was a first.  
• My sister went to Mexico for work and brought us back the coolest gifts and authentic treats to try. The kids felt rich with their pesos and custom-made purses and wallets. 
• My brother -in -law got to attend Family Night with us at Kids' grief group. It was an unforgettable experience.
• A couple of friends joined us for our new "Sundae Sundays" tradition, where we get ice cream or frozen yogurt in this case in honor of Patrick. 
• One of our closest friends graduated, and we had family fun celebrating at her party.
• The.Book.Was.FINISHED! The Kindle edition was published as we await the first hardcopy. That project in itself was...I felt like I was floating. There was no way I was "there" while doing all of the things that needed to be completed and turned in to the publisher for this work. 

Family Updates

Joy is starting to enjoy her Sunday Class more and more. She is opening up in karate and even earned a yellow belt! The girl is making moves and looking forward to first grade.  When I see her interacting with friends and coming into her own, it makes my heart happy because I know how hard it must be to press through.  She is aptly named, and although I can tell when she needs extra hugs, I appreciate all of your prayers for my baby. God hears. 

Avielle has had a better month than the last. She is growing so much, reading a lot and expressing her feelings well. She even wrote a blog post that we will share within the coming weeks. Avielle is wise beyond her years.  However, she is still taking this very hard. She is the feeler of the group, the biggest empath of us all. Her heart is tender and her love for others runs deep. She also got promoted again in karate and is one step closer to earning her orange belt. I've noticed that she does better when she has one on one time with friends, and a few crazy schedules made that less possible this month.  Since grief group is ending, she will be seeing the therapist specializing and play/art therapy who works with Ben and Joy.  One thing that made her elated was being able to search and buy Daddy's book. She also loves when we get to go to the pool.

Benjamin is such a sweet kid. He is always the first to want to start the compliment circle that we do at bedtime.  He wants to hug everyone all the time, and he is truly a giver.  Benji is super lovable and is enjoying Sunday class at church.  He was disappointed when Wednesday Night church ended. That was hard for him as routines are crucial during this time. Thankfully, we picked up and started gymnastics at the Y and is loving it.  He finished his soccer season by scoring a winning goal! He received a medal and a certificate and was very proud of himself. He is still struggling with regulating his emotions and having several meltdowns but that's to be expected. Benji prays every night "Lord we just need your help; we need our Daddy back."  Overall, he is a strong, smart, kind, and fun-loving toddler. 

Elijah is really enjoying and excelling in Karate and still our little mathematician and maintains a high A Average.  He LOVES the water, so any time we can get to swim he enjoys it and seems to be refreshed. It's been a struggly month for him, lots of somber days. But he communicates well and even wrote a blog post to share soon.  Many times, I've noticed him go upstairs and start to play piano. I think it calms him down, and also helps him to fine tune his craft. He's a very gifted kid, and I get angry along with him when he yells "I just want my Dad!" I feel him, and he deserves his Dad.

Christian is continuing to excel at karate and in school, particularly math.  He got invited to an in-person audition in for a local film June so he's looking forward to that. Christian also got his first opportunity to volunteer for a vacation bible school in the area. Next month, he will be leading worship for the kindergarteners, which I know he will love.  Rough month for my sonny boy, though. More somber days coupled with a lot of confusion and sadness. He doesn't talk about it much, so his blog post was really a big deal.  I make sure to check on his heart often, and he does the same for me.   I know he is trying to make sense of his faith right now, but I'm so glad he is pressing in to it. As he put it "I love Jesus, I know God is real, but I'm mad." 

Amira has had a few more days this month where she has cried out for Daddy, and I wasn't expecting that. Mostly though, she is happy, bright and kind of bossy.  This month she started going to each person saying "Go 'head, PRAY!" And because she is who she is, we stop whatever we are doing and eek out whatever prayer we can.  God is still using this little therapy baby.  I was having a brutally hard moment and she just started singing "He is FOR you, He is FOR you" from the song The Blessing. She sang it over and over and over again. My one year old , unprompted, sang over me in my despair.  I've witnessed God use her before, and this time was no exception. Amira is very independent and has mastered speaking in full, complete sentences. My favorite thing to hear her say is, "I love you so much mommy, K?"

Kendall is definitely is a bright spot in this situation.  She inherited many things from her dad, and one of my favorites is, her ability to start each day afresh believing that she will see the goodness of the Lord.  She prays every night for everyone who was at "Dad's heaven party." Every single night. We were going to start her in a leadership program at the Y but it got postponed. So we will be signing her up for various volunteer opportunities and then volleyball camp in the late summer. She did get an opportunity to take some classes at the Y and go shopping with a friend and enjoyed it.  She is always finding the light and sharing fun stories about her Dad, hopefully she will blog more this summer as well. 

Me: This month started out with me doing one of the hardest of things: Going back to our church and sharing the instructions that Patrick gave me regarding our ministry, before his passing.  (I will post that story and the speech at another time.) But this month there were several bright spots.  I can honestly say that I have felt God wipe away my tears and hold the pieces of my heart together on many occasions. At other times, I've fallen completely apart in disbelief. Like "what.just.happened?" One of the good things was receiving my first direct client as a loan signing agent. Not only was the closing successful, but I received my first five-star rating.  It felt like God personally set up a much-needed win...and I'll take all of them that I can get.

                                     

                                                  *All Photos used with permission

Celebrating the Wins; Every Single One

Yesterday was a rainy, dreary day. The kind of day that lends no light to our struggly situation. But I woke with a burden to share the wins with all of the prayer warriors. I am so humbled by the creative ways people have found to bless us during this season. But for those who ask, "What do you need?" I reply, "Please don't stop praying. I don't want to know how this feels without the covering of the prayers of God's people." So, here are those wins and answered prayers:

• THE BABIES ARE SINGING!!!

If you read the very first blog post, you will know exactly why that statement above is bolded and in all caps. A young lady who is a super talented, music aficionado has a music studio and teaches my littles. The way she seems to show up in the nick of time to be a blessing is why I've often dubbed her our "manifested angel." Elijah and Joy will be playing their piano pieces and the other kiddos will be singing. We hope to stream it live from our ministry's Facebook page or record and post it afterwards.  

• Being Honored in the Community 

 A community partner reached out to me to create and organize an award and dedication in Patrick's honor.  A few months ago, I was not ready to even discuss it. She was very gracious, and this week I was able to do a hard thing by finalizing the details.  I pressed on and assisted with the planning and found it to be mildly therapeutic. It felt like a part of my "old normal."  We truly love the community, and he was always looking forward to every opportunity to share love, laughs and an encouraging word with others.  So, to know that someone wanted to honor his legacy in this way truly blessed me at a time that I needed all of the beautiful things. 

• The Book is Ready
  

Today I received word from our publisher that Patrick's book of devotions is ready for print! The team has been a godsend and very encouraging throughout this process.  Their patience and professionalism have been a bright spot during this time of confounding darkness.  I will post later on the backstory of this work.  Just to see something new springing forth from this...I don't even know what to call it...brings me measured joy. To see his words, stories and admonitions is life-giving. 

The Symbolism of the Pot-by Kendall

Hey everyone, It's Kendall here!

I thought I would share with you an experience we had this past Thursday in grief group. It was family night, so we were all grouped together, and our little siblings, mom and Uncle Leon got to join in. For the activity, they gave us a clay pot which symbolized our life before the loss. They took us outside and asked us to drop it on the concrete symbolizing our now broken life. Next, we headed back inside and were instructed to take the pieces and write on the inside our feelings about the loss, and on the outside, what helped us to cope.  Now here comes the tricky part, they wanted us to piece the pot back together. We tried the entire time, and we could not put it all together again. People even came by to help, but we couldn’t figure it out.  Every other family’s pot was put together nicely but some of our pieces were dust at that point; making it nearly impossible to put back together. Our pot was dropped very hard, just like our life. It didn't take me long to say without knowing the depth of my words “I don’t think we will ever be able to put this pot back the way it was’’. Then it hit me, I was correct. The pot had reassured what we thought. Dad was a very crucial part in all of our lives, and without him our lives will never be the same. I have never seen a human love people as much as my dad, and I want to model him in that and in many other ways.  He loved everyone, no matter where you came from or your situation. Thank you all for taking the time to read this. I love each and everyone of you.

Family Updates For April

April was a climb. I'm not going to lie.  Although there were several small and large victories, I realized this month that I don't have my reinforcement.  Raising a family of this size, with the diversity of personalities and giftings was a delicate dance.  It became more real to me this month that we're missing the reinforcement. The teamwork of our parenting was a godsend, and very necessary. Accepting that I am apparently supposed to go at this alone, without my person, truly knocked the wind out of me this month.  As always, I am truly grateful for each of the prayer warriors. Knowing that you're there, lifting us up to the Father is a treasure and a comfort to our souls. Know that the kids are praying for y'all as well.

A List of Beautiful Things

• I got a chance to finish up this round of Mommy Dates with Elijah, Avielle, and Joy. We enjoyed our one-on-one time together.
• A few nights a week, we added the Compliment Circle to our bedtime prayer routine. Each of the kids go around and share what they love, admire or appreciate about their sibling. It is a beautiful time of reflection and takes the edge off of struggle nights.
• We got a chance to have one of our counseling sessions at a new location this month. It was situated on a beautiful property with porch swings, horses, and space to relax while the others were in session.  
• The YMCA Splash pad and pool has been a great way for us to unwind on the weekends, all of the kids had a blast in the water!
• We had a fun time celebrating Joy and my sister Kandace's birthdays, they are only 4 days apart. 
• For Easter we celebrated by attending our first outing of the year at New Life Village.  Then, we headed to Lutz for easter egg hunts and pony rides and ended with two church services on Easter Sunday.
• We implemented a new activity to help our "Struggly Sundays".  We now call them "Sundae Sundays" and we visit a local ice cream shop in honor of our person. We've always enjoyed laughs and ice cream with family and friends.
• Most of the kids will be performing in a music recital later in May at our church. 

Family Updates

Joy is really making strides. She turned six this month, is now able to read family devotionals! She has been standing in worship more and even waking up singing.  She also graduated to Book B in Piano, and is excited to continue to learn. Seeing genuine excitement on her face was beautiful and refreshing.  One area that has been hardest for her is learning karate.  She is often shy and in this season, more sensitive to quick action and loud noise.  But, she pushed through an entire class and was rewarded by earning a stripe on her white belt for a job well done.  She was so proud of herself, and so was the entire class. 

Avielle has had a very hard month with her grief.  I am watching her process through it and doing everything I can to help. So far, looking at pictures, using her new noise machine at bedtime and baths are helpful.  She is enjoying kids grief group and also her time with the therapist.  We all were so proud of her when she became a Yellow Belt in karate. She is having an excellent time learning and helping to teach the younger kids in her class.  Avi looks forward to worship on Wednesday Nights and time on the tree swing in the front yard.  I am thankful for those who call and FaceTime her, the support gets her through.

Benjamin is such a sweet kid.  He loves soccer and we've all been excited to be there to cheer him on.  The season will end this week and we're looking forward to celebrating him and his lil' teammates as they receive their medals. Ben also loves the park, playdates with friends, and Wednesday worship.  Although the night terrors have seemed to subside, he is still really having issues getting to sleep in spite of our routine.  This past weekend , he and I started reciting "Jesus loves me and is always with me", when he gets afraid at night. It helps some, but this part is hard for me. During prayer time he often asks God to bring his daddy back, "Because he was the best and my favorite." 

Elijah is really enjoying and excelling in Karate, we will be signing him up for the summer.  He and Max earned their orange belts this month and we were so proud!  Elijah is also loving the grief group and learning with his friends at Wednesday Worship. He's been having a better month regarding his grief and is communicating more. Looking at photos, telling stories, and planning to do things "like Dad" helps him to process.  Eli plays his tablet and uses his legos in his free time and is a great cook.  He also has an A average in his schoolwork. 

Christian is also really enjoying and excelling in Karate, he is often used to help demonstrate with the instructor.  He is a great help around the house and enjoys putting things together, including furniture. In his free time Max's been enjoying football games on the tablet, helping with the plants, and hanging with friends.  He even volunteered for the dunk tank at Wednesday Night Church.  He's mostly private with his grieving process but opens up at grief group, with the therapist and in our nightly emails.  Max excels in his schoolwork, especially Math and Reading and has an A average. 

Amira is getting big and has a vast vocabulary. She's an excellent little helper and loves following her big brother Benji around.  She loves going out to the tree swing and trying on everyone's shoes.  Amira loves the band, For King & Country, and sings along to all of their songs.  

Kendall has been coming in clutch as the babysitter for short errands.  She's also been helping prepare dinner, and so far, her red beans & rice with shrimp has been a family hit! Kendall is an A student and is excelling in her studies especially Math and Science.  She enjoys Youth Group, lunch with friends and even got an opportunity to volunteer with the toddlers at church on Easter.  Kendall is looking forward to playing soccer in the fall.  She is such a beautiful young lady and a great artist. She is always finding the light and sharing fun stories about her Dad. 

Me: Last fall, I started my journey as a Notary Public.  This month, I was able to meet with and receive training from an industry professional.  It was good to learn something new and it brought me joy. It was refreshing.  I did many, many hard things this month, including attending a class specifically for loss of spouses. I have felt physical pain this month due to the separation of the team of us,"Pat N' Keisha". It has been brutal. BRUTAL.  

Grief Group for Kids-Niche Ministry

My cousin Jaz called and said, "The Kids told me they had FUN at grief therapy, and it threw me off.  I mean, I was glad but also confused at how fun and grief could go together!" This is when I knew, we had found something good, something safe. 

Shortly after everything happened, a community leader and friend of ours sent over information for grief counseling.  At that time, I wasn't prepared to set it up and was still feeling out our need.  After reaching out to several providers on the list, I realized that finding grief counseling and specifically counseling for kids was going to be a headache in itself. I would have to psych myself up just to dive in and make all of the calls, send all of the emails and subsequently endure the let downs of "So sorry, we're only doing video meetings in your area." After losing such a huge presence in our family, physically, spiritually and mentally, we knew that talking to a computer wasn't going to cut it.

Those first couple months were brutal, and the strugglebus is STILL parked out front. I knew that I needed to build in as much help as possible if we were to survive this blow.  After I completed the paperwork, Susan called me and notified me that there were openings for groups at the church less than five minutes from our home.  Thankful for God's favor, we scheduled to be there in attendance and on time. 

Finding Suncoast kids was a relieving and heartwarming experience.  The ministry is a part of a church in Lutz that mobilizes and sets up in Brandon to provide peer groups for kids.  When we walked in for the first time, we were welcomed with a palpable and somber "we get it, you're safe here."  Although I was super sad at the thought of a group of hurting kids, my heart was blessed to know that there were counselors, caregivers, and administrators living out their Godly purpose of pouring into children who are dealing with significant loss.  This is what we call ministering in the margins. Finding a unique group of people who may feel unseen or misunderstood and coordinating efforts around ministering to and encouraging them. 

 In our friend and family circle, my children are the only children they know without a dad. Even typing that is just excruciating. So, to know that they can go to a group of their peers who are also experiencing a similar loss is helpful. The program doesn't attempt to paint over their grief with fun activities and distractions, but it does provide a place for them to embrace the loss, work through it and learn coping skills to help.  It provides them a safe place to be uniquely cared for while giving them something to look forward to.  

When I first called Suncoast Kids for help, we were placed on a waiting list. A waiting list. I couldn’t even process the disappointment nor the fact that there was a waiting list of children in need of grief care. Everyone is a volunteer and no family is charged a fee for these services. They have groups for children from Kindergarten through High School.   I would love for them to be able to expand and offer play therapy for the little tinies. Watching and listening to my three year old as he processes through this loss is something that I have no words for. I do know that whenever I get over or through this rough patch,  I promised them that I would support them in any way possible for all that they've poured out into my family alone. 

• Max enjoys the projects, collages, and the new therapy Dog, Guiness.
• Kendall appreciates the commitment and compassion of the volunteers.
• Elijah enjoys meeting new friends and getting the grief out
• Joy & Avielle like story time, being able to talk about their person and snack time.
• At the end of the group session, they all light candles for the person they've lost. 

Get Involved — Suncoast Kids Place

Donate — Suncoast Kids Place

At Risk Kids | Bay Hope Church

Joy Riding a Pony at Bay Hope's Easter Extravaganza 

The Bittersweet-ness of Wins

 As we walked in the door from Benjamin's soccer practice, I was in a surprisingly pleasant mood.  My plan was to sit down and blog about the wins of this day. Because let's be honest, this is sad. Brutally sad. So, I can't help but want to be able to encourage and give some glimmer of hope and beauty in every situation.  We made it through the day, it was 7pm and we had avoided any major meltdowns.  Benji started off slow at soccer. For the first time, he didn't want to leave my side. Before he went down for nap, he told me that he wanted to go back to our old house.  I believe that he was expressing that he wanted to go back to normal, and wholeness as he knew it.  We often look at photos, and last night we found a video of our family playing charades in the old house. All of us could be heard...every voice.  The loudest and most resonating being Patrick's.  It's funny how children even as young as Benji can associate things.  If we weren't in this house, bad things wouldn't have happened. Let's go back to the photos, where Daddy is.

Getting back to the story; I came in ready to cook and celebrate Benji pulling through during the soccer scrimmage as Avielle stayed close on the sidelines cheering him on.  I looked up and saw her eyes welling up with tears. Tears turned into crying, crying turned into screaming "I want him BACK, I want Daddy." My heart is already shattered, and in this moment, in it's place was just a stony space.  I was angry. Angry that I couldn't give her what she was asking for.  Angry that God had the power to give him back but is choosing not to.  Little girls deserve their Dad. Especially when they had the very best.  My sister was here to help comfort Avi. One by one, the siblings came over to hug or encourage her.  After about twenty minutes, Joy came over with the piano and Avielle started playing. I heard music, then laughter, then they all started to dance. I want to make sure to say this :THANK YOU TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO IS PRAYING TO THE MOST HIGH GOD ON OUR BEHALF. THESE TESTIMONIES ARE POSSIBLE BECAUSE OF YOUR UNRELENTING LOVE AND PETITIONS.

So here are the wins:

This morning, we all slept in and then hurried out of the house for breakfast. Mondays are  brutal so I had to be proactive and switch up the plan, so we headed to the playground after that.  As the kids played I walked around I was contemplating  "what is this supposed to look like?"  Then, an angel of a human sent me the publishing proof of Patrick's soon-to-be released devotional. I saw light. For the first time, the very first time in all of this darkness, I saw light.  To see this work come to life was the brightest spot in my day for as long as I can remember.  About an hour later, some good friends stopped by with lunch and much needed hugs. We also got to share with them that Max and Eli were promoted in Martial Arts to their yellow belts this weekend. The boys were elated and had worked so hard, but the best compliment came from their instructor on Saturday: 

 "They did really really well and I am very impressed with them.  Not only are they very smart and fast learners and are athletically gifted, but they have really good character.  I asked them to work with the two little new white-belt girls yesterday before class started while I handled other things and I was happy and impressed with how mature and kind they were with the girls."

Family Updates For March

March has been a long, long, and eventful month. I wanted to give short updates on each of us. For all of the prayer warriors, thanks so much for keeping us lifted up. This month I think we all learned and appreciated even more the blessing of great family and friends.  Daily check-ins and meetups where we feel loved and safe to just be "us" is a true treasure, and a lifeline.  

A list of Beautiful Things

• We went to get the oil changed on the van, and when the manager learned of our story, they took care of the bill and gave us their condolences.  
• Last week we had a couple of therapy sessions that were early in the morning. We had to hit the drive through for breakfast twice, at two different spots, and both times the cars in front of us took care of our orders.  
• We were able to get switched to an office for play/art therapy for Ben & Joy. The provider linked up with another colleague to be able to offer her services In-Network. It's closer to us, a better setup for the waiting family members & is now covered by insurance. 
• We started a "Midweek Ministry" at our home on Wednesdays, where we make up bags of snacks and scriptures for the delivery drivers in our neighborhood.
• A Beautiful Friend went to Paris and brought us back some awesome souvenirs. 
• A close family friend came to take the boys for laser tag and some guy time.
• Tee Kan & Unc took the kids for fun times at the park and petting zoo
• The kids enjoyed our homeschool math unit study which included opening up their own savings accounts, learning about interest and investing in stocks.
• Kendall and I got a chance to do another Mommy & Daughter sushi date, talked and had a good time.

Family Updates

*Kendall shared with me and the therapist that she is feeling much more joy lately.  She believes that this is what Dad would want and says she feels the prayers working. That is a HUGE praise report for sure! She loves being with friends, reading and being creative. 

*Benjamin is loving riding his bike, responding well in play/art therapy, and started soccer this week! He said, "I made ALL the friends" and loved having us on the sidelines rooting him on. He also got his first big boy haircut!  Although he's sleeping a little better, he's having nightmares often. From my understanding, this is normal.

*Joy is praying aloud more and is also enjoying solo time with friends.  She is starting to open up more in therapy but is struggling with a lot of anger. She does look forward to kids' grief group.  Daddy was her world. Joy is pressing on in continuing to learn piano. Some days are very tough but I'm grateful for her teacher who is extremely understanding and kind. Joy also loves watching "Bake Squad".

*Max is growing in teen grief group and is talking more and more in individual therapy. He really enjoys Wednesday night youth church. He is missing his dad, ALOT. He and I talk every night via email and share scriptures and struggles trying to keep each other afloat.  He is a great helper around the house and takes frequent trips out to ride his hoverboard to clear his head.  Max is also very close to getting his first belt in Martial Arts, which he really enjoys. 

*It's been a good weekly break for Elijah to continue PE at the local school. Once a week he also sees their school counselor and seems to look forward to speaking with her and bringing home info and tips for the rest of us. This month has really hit Elijah hard, very hard.  Lots of triggers and down days. I'm thankful that he opens up to me, and we can cry together and laugh together as well.  He's still doing well in piano and is close to getting his first belt in Martial Arts.  Elijah enjoys video games and audio books about animals and nature.  

*Amira is continuing to perfect her skill of mimicking everyone in the house. She's very smart and also a little bossy. She is still our little comforting angel, gives many hugs and affectionately replies   " I love you TOO."

*Avielle is doing very well in martial arts; she was even helping to show a few newer kids the moves. She also looks forward to Wednesday night church and kids' grief group.  Avi has a tender heart and is very empathetic to other families in our situation which sometimes can be a hindrance when processing her own grief.  She did enjoy her first individual therapy session, but also struggles with some pinned up anger. 

*I don't have much of an update about myself right now. Other than the fact that I'm grateful to be surrounded by family, friends, counselors, pastors and prayer warriors because I have no words. 

It Was Just Gettin' Good!

One of the things that I never knew I would be so grateful for, was the fact that our kids feel free to speak openly about all of the things.  Even for my sons, it doesn't take much prodding before they realize that I am a safe person for them to trust with their most intimate thoughts, fears, and struggles. Elijah and I have always had a unique relationship. He was the transition child in many ways. Several life changes transpired when I became pregnant and gave birth to him. One of those changes was the start of my journey as a Stay at Home Mom.  This would eventually morph into a few other roles including master's student mom, work from home mom, homeschool mom , boss mom , etc.  

One day last week, I'm not sure what sparked the conversation, but Elijah and I were sitting down reminiscing about how 2021 came for the jugular and was an unexpectedly crazy year.  We had all survived 2020, which was a complete miracle in itself . With the face coverings, lockdowns, and live streaming and the birth of our beautiful seventh baby,  it was a year of historic proportions.

I remember posting on Facebook something to the effect of:

               "2021, I need you to come in, sit down, shut up, and don't touch nothin!" 

I believe we were all cruising into the year with some hope that normalcy would return.   The year started out for us with our first family pet, Ali the turtle.  Elijah wanted it so badly, and although Patrick and I joked about the kids misplacing the turtle somewhere in the house and waking in a panic; he gave in.  A couple months later, Patrick wanted to up the ante and get a dog, so we got a cute little pit puppy named "Blue". The kids lost it, they were so excited, but of course I couldn't believe that I had another "kid" to look after.  Patrick understood and did his best to teach the kids to be responsible and take care of Blue.  In addition, we had decided to get our house ready to take advantage of the seller's market.  We had built the house from the ground up, and our kids had called it home for almost seven years.  We didn't realize at the time how this move would affect us all, emotionally.  

As Elijah put it, "we had just survived a lot of changes, started to settle down, and even bought our Christmas tree.  And then WHAM!" He was right. There was no way that this was on our radar at all. I can't even explain it. What we thought would be a normal Saturday of shopping for and ministering to our neighbors in the mobile home park, turned into something beyond our imagination.  Christmas was his favorite holiday.  I was so grateful that we had been able to follow our tradition of picking a tree together and decorating it with the kids while drinking hot cocoa. 

                                                                                                                                                               

This entire thing feels like a gut punch, or in Elijah's words "it feels like an airplane landed on me."

The Unanswerable Question: "How y'all doing?"

Not a single day goes by without at least half a dozen people checking on us.  My personality thrives on finding solutions and having answers.  But when asked this simple yet unanswerable question, I freeze.  One answer that I cannot foresee giving is, "We're fine."  

So, I've compiled a few raw answers I've given to friends who checked on us this past week:"

70% of the time, we're okay. Functioning, sharing stories and laughs, looking at pictures and embracing all the things that our family stands for.  That's due to the prayers of our people, petitioning God for his grace and supernatural comfort.  But that 30%, is a "dark thirty." I can't deny God's grace.

This week started some sleep struggles that we haven't had before. It's been a busy week and I'm worn out.

• Sunday-GriefShare 
• Monday-Bible yoga
• Tuesday-Piano, PE
• *Several Breakdowns*
• Wed-PE ,  Family Grief activities 
• Thurs-Ben & Joy Play Therapy, Kids Grief Group
• Fri-My Therapy , Martial Arts, YMCA

 "God took my husband away from me. My partner and best friend.  I prayed and said, "God, Patrick and I need relief help us to get from under all our obligations so we can regroup and reorganize and continue to serve you." And He answered with this.  I cried out for help and this was His answer. I am heartbroken.  I have some beautiful stories of His comfort I can't ignore that. But I'm so so so upset that I even need His comfort in this way.  I feel punished. And although I know that's not God's nature, it sure feels like it.  So either God is going to give me strength, clarity and guidance to raise these kids alone or rapture is coming.  At this point, I don't feel ready for either. 

"It's been a week.  But in good news the counselor that I saw in December, I saw her again and it was the first time that I felt refreshed."

*Pictured below, the start of our trail mix of feelings-family activity*