June Family Updates

    Just like this time last year, June has been quite a full month.  It was the first month in our summer activities as homeschool co-op and Wednesday night church activities have ended, and of course to make up to keep ourselves busy in a positive way.

    This summer has started out pretty dreadful for the most of us.  I think that it being the second summer without Patrick feels extra mean.  The kids and I have had some pretty rough days, and that's okay.  We're learning to count the wins in each day, as opposed to counting the number of good days.  We still have not found our footing, and I don't think we ever will. Loving someone this much, being loved wholly by them, and then losing them isn't something that time will just allow us to "get over."

So here is what we've been up to:

    The older three kids volunteered for Vacation Bible School and totally rocked it!

Kendall & Christian were lead teachers in the classrooms.  Elijah had a blast for his first-time volunteering, and he had the super important job of leading the Kindergartners in daily Physical Education and games.  We were out in the community a few weeks after VBS concluded and a little ones yelled, "Hey, that's my teacher from church." Elijah beamed with pride. I was so proud of the kids for getting up serving, faithfully. It was great to see them all enjoy their time.

Avielle, Joy, and Benji made lots of friends and looked forward to each day of Vacation Bible School.  Amira and I had some time to ourselves; but she loves being around the siblings, so she started to miss them about the second day.  Thankfully, we have an awesome village, and I was able to clock-in friends to take her to have a good time while the older siblings were away. 

    All of the kids started in Educational Programs at the local Family Resource Center. They are covering topics such as mathematics, social -emotional intelligence, and Kendall even built a robot at the local community college for a weeklong robotics program! They have all also continued to #KeepItMoving by each playing a vital role in our Virtual Encouragement for Preservation Ministries.  Whether they sing, read a devotional, or give a testimony, they are always willing to walk in the way of the Lord, and in the legacy of their father.  

    As Father's Day approached, we all started to feel the effect of the weight of another important day without our guy.  I panicked as storms covered the entire state.  My initial plan to get away to a water park was foiled.  My backup plan to go to the beach was also nixed.  I knew that I did not want to wake up on Sunday here in this house without the Superdad.  So just like last year, I had to find a way to pad the pain.  

I got a bright idea and found a super cute farm with a tiny home for us to stay for the night. It was fairly close to the house.  Many people know that I'm not the best with animals but for these kids there is not much I won't do.  So being able to watch them wake up in nature, walk out to feed the chickens, goats and cows brough my heart so much peace.  It also gave me direction in our next move.

July will be our last month in this house; the house that we didn't bring Patrick home to.  That stings. It hurts so bad, yet it is true.  So, after visiting the farm, it solidified that we needed to downsize and find a place with more land as we spend 75% of our time running around and being outdoors anyway.  So currently, our prayer is that God will provide a place that fits our needs, and  favor for all to work out.  I will post updates on our instagram @servingwith7.

    On the last therapy Thursday of June, all seven of the kids had counseling appointments.  That was the first time every one of them had been seen on the same day and it was truly a task.  I'm grateful to have a village of competent supportive therapists to help us along this journey.  God has truly orchestrated and aligned our path with people who love Him and love us well.  

    There have been so many beautiful blessings from people all over this month, it has been so helpful.  Deliveries of dinner, toiletries, paper products, groceries, bottled water, fun passes, gift cards has really helped us to see that God sees us. God continues to send his people and from the bottom of my heart, I'm grateful.

This coming season of triggery dates, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. is going to be rough.  So, we're counting on your continued prayers to see us through. 

How we #KeepItMoving: Summertime Edition

    The only reason I have any recollection of last summer is because of all the photos that pop up on my phone to remind me. But I can't believe it's summer...again. I don't want it to be summer again. I need time to freeze and rewind to Winter 2021, so I can bring Pat back. Over the past few weeks, people have asked how I'm able to juggle being a solo mom of seven and have asked how they can help. One of the things that I usually tell people is that "we do all the things." 

    Since our loss, we rarely stay in the house. It's crucial that we have things to look forward to. But at the same time, I make sure to schedule blocks of time where we have nothing planned so that we can just process and exist without obligation. Both of these things have been extremely helpful on our grief journey. Because I know that if I stay in the house too long, I'll melt into a puddle of tears; unproductive and unable to move. But I also know that too much busyness overwhelms me and adds to my anxiety. So, it's a delicate balance. This is how I learned that it's costly to grieve with kids. 

    When Patrick was here, we spent hours doing life with each other. We would limit our commitments to make sure we had time to enjoy one another and grow in God as a family. Just being together doing everyday things was an adventure.  We were very cautious not to get our kids involved in too many activities, as we were already a big family in ministry: That alone, kept us on the go.  But now...we do all the sports & all the activities. This is why I'm grateful for all the blessings and help that comes our way. I'm grateful that in Florida we have access to many free and low-cost activities and ways to enjoy nature. Beautiful distractions, including lots of #friendtherapy help us get through the days. So, this is what our summer looks like.  It's imperative that we #keepitmoving.  If you know someone who has grieving kids, please share this list with them.

"How's Therapy Going?"

    I snapped this picture below of Benjamin today at our family therapy session.  The counseling office was so comfy that both my babies went to sleep right there on the sofa. My four and two-year-old had been up in the wee hours of the morning; they couldn't sleep.  They were triggered and afraid.  So that meant Momma didn't get much sleep either.  We used to share a room with Pat, and they can feel the gaping space. Although it’s been 17 months since we lost him, they still just want their daddy back. They want their world whole again. 

    About a week ago, I posted a video on Instagram that went viral. Before this, I thought that viral meant about 10k views. This particular video, that was uploaded from my ring camera, now has over 426,000 views! I started not to post it, because it was jarring to even me when I watched it back. It was one of my most unguarded, vulnerable moments of grief.  But it blessed many.  The messages of solidary and empathy poured in by he thousands.  But several people asked, "are you in counseling?"

 

    In May of 2020, Patrick and I were looking forward to walking across the stage of Luther Rice College & Seminary to receive our well-earned master's degrees in biblical counseling.  But the pandemic had other plans, so the ceremony was cancelled. But we still had a socially distanced celebration in our caps and gowns.  Yet another crazy milestone in the adventures of Pat N' Keisha.  Over the years, we had been honored to counsel dozens of beautiful, strong, faithful servants during our time together in ministry. In addition, one of the very last projects that Patrick was working on before he went into the hospital, was a mental health initiative at his job.  He not only helped get paid prayer/mediation time approved, but he oversaw the implementation of a mental wellness room on the work site.  

   As a lifelong proponent of mental health, I’ve seen a therapist on several occasions as an adult.  I realize that although I'm a strong person, part of my strength is knowing when to tag in help. Over the past decade, Patrick and I both have gained coping techniques and been provided a safe place to vent with the help of licensed mental health counselors.  But therapists are not magicians. Therapists are not God. The hard, ugly and awful doesn’t go away because you make an appointment, sit on a cozy couch, and pour out your heart.  A counselor cannot solve your problems, break your habits, right your wrongs, or in our case…being our person back.

    Has counseling been helpful? Yes, it helps take the edge off and I wouldn't want to walk this journey without having trusted, equipped counselors in our village.  Since the week after Patrick's Heaven Party, we've been under the care of Christian Therapists.  But some Things you can’t walk around; you can only walk through. What I share here, is what walking through looks like.

Community Clock In: The Best NEIGHBORS

 

Last night, the kids and I pulled into the driveway  from an evening playground run.  This has been our custom for as long as I can remember.  Most of our neighbors have dogs and they take them for their evening walk past our house on a regular basis. It's almost like clockwork.

I pulled in and let the kids go inside while I stayed in the car to catch my breath before clocking in to the bedtime shift of struggly solo parenting. I saw our neighbor, Matt, walking his two dogs, but then saw him cross in front of the van and come toward me.

"I know we usually don't talk, but we're moving and I wanted to know if you guys could use an extra long twin bed," he said. I explained to him that we had more beds than kids in our house which was a blessing and that we were getting ready to move also , this summer.  I inquired more about his move as he began to tell me that he and his wife had raised their son, and would now be moving to some acres they'd bought in Georgia.  After giving him my card and agreeing to help find someone who may be interested in the furniture, I went into my house and began to cry uncontrollably. 

My kids ran up to me and started giving me endless hugs.  Finally they asked, "what's wrong mom? What happened." I was taken aback by my own response. I yelled out, "Matt is moving away." The kids were confused as to why I cared this much about a man I'd never spoken with. But, this neighbor was the very first perso that Patrick met and interacted with when we moved here in 2021.  He took the kids for a walk and met Matt and his two dogs.  For the rest of the months that he was on this earth, he would acknowledge Matt and his dogs. Matt's connection to Patrick was something that I had no idea would hit me the way it did. Another thing, that is close to Patrick, that ties Patrick to us is going away. That unexpected trigger almost broke me.  Grief is like that. You really never know.

I decided to take this opportunity after my meltdown last night to gush about our amazing neighbors. This is our first time living in a neighborhood as opposed to a subdivision.  Since day one, these have been the finest and most helpful people we've come to know.  When Patrick was in the hospital, immediately after his surgery, we could come home to snacks, and drinks on our doorsteps.  People would constantly check in.  When my sister told my neighbors across the street that he had passed, they stood there crying and consoling each other.  They couldn't believe it. "I spoke to him one time. One time was all it took. He changed my life." That was the sentiment of many.  We had only been here about four months before Patrick's passing.  He made it a point to walk around the entire cul-de-sac to introduce himself and our family to the neighbors. He spent his life as an outreach pastor, corporate trainer, and established salesman. So, meeting people where they were, was his speciality.

In the days leading up to and after the celebration of life, I would come home to dinners, diapers, wipes, trash bags, groceries, drinks, etc. Every day for a long while, the neighbors took care of us. I remember on Christmas day, one of our neighbors walked over first thing in the morning with flowers for me and a kind note.  She was one of many.  On Christmas morning, people were leaving their families to come console ours.  I'm getting teary eyed typing this, because that level of beauty in humanity was something I so desperately needed.    

Several neighbors came over and brought additional chairs for my family to use and they visited. Another neighbor volunteered to take my kid to volleyball practice when I was simply overwhelmed with grief and anxiety and couldn't bring myself to drive. When Patrick was here, he would always fix the blinds.  I could never do it and I would get very anxious and frustrated.  When I didn't get to bring him home from the hospital, I realized that I was stuck with no one to help with the blinds.  One of my neighbors and her husband came over and adjusted them all for me and told me they'd be over to do it as often as I needed it.

There are so many stories of the beautiful people in this neighborhood showing up for me ,and perhaps it's the fact that we'll have to be leaving soon that I'm finally able to share these memories. After one very tough birthday, I had taken the kids on a quick overnight trip to Orlando.  This was the first boy to celebrate a birthday without their Dad, and it was HEAVY.  I cried almost the whole way home.  I knew that I needed to get gas but I was afraid that if I stopped, I wouldn't get back started and we'd be stuck in whatever town we were in.   So I made it all the way  back home but the tank was on E.  When I started the car later that afternoon to take Christian to basketball practice, of course it wouldn't crank.  One of my neighbors walked down to me, in the rain, and helped me and Christian to pour gas from our gas can into the tank. We were all wet from the rain and gas was leaking everywhere, as it was a new gas can that Patrick got us and I wasn't familiar with how to use it.  She didn't care.  She stayed there to help and even called to check on me to make sure I made it to the gas station. 

These stories ,these neighbors, this neighborhood will always have a special place in my heart.  Although I'm ready to move, I'm also anxious.  Leaving what has felt like a caring community to an unknown place without Patrick's seems daunting.  Everything is so bittersweet. I'll never forget their kindness, and I'll always be inclined and inspired by them to pay it forward.  

How is it already March? Spring Don't Mean A Thing

    I was on the phone with a sister who is dealing with a similar loss. I kept screaming, "How is it March? How is it already March of 2023?" Time is mean. And yes, I'm still screaming. How is it spring? How did we already have our first Wheeler Kid birthday of the year?  Where is Pat? How can we do this, another year without our person?

    I'm not ready for spring.  I drove past two home improvement stores, and they had all of the fresh, new, vibrant florals out on display. But there is no way any beautiful flowers will come from this. I'm not ready for spring. I vividly remember the pain and shock of our first spring after losing our person.  It was volatile, gut wrenching, and downright terrible.  

    How are we doing? For me, there are still daily breakdowns, gut punches of "reality", and just times when I laugh because I can't understand how this was really the move. How was THIS what God had next for us? As for my beautiful, brave, kind children-they're doing their best.  Although they still have meltdowns where they scream shout and cry; they are less frequent.  But, instead there are constant mood and behavior changes that highlight the sheer horror of being a grieving, solo parent.

    I can tell when they're sad or struggling because they will become argumentative, impatient, easily distracted, unmotivated and anxious.  So then, I have to put on my therapy mom hat and decide whether to cuddle, comfort or correct in those moments. Nothing could have prepared me for this. Making parenting decisions on my own, without Patrick has truly been one of the worst parts of this whole thing.  I was never meant to do this alone.

    We talk about Patrick every day, all day. I don't think that will change; I hope it doesn't.  I played a video the other day and his voice coming from the speakers of the laptop just...overwhelmed me. Because why is he not here? Everyone needs Patrick's voice, encouragement, laugh, and perspective.  I'm grateful for all of the people who call or text just to tell me a story about him, or to simply say, "I miss Pat, and I hate this."  It's been 15 month to the day that we rushed him to the hospital and the daily check-ins, meals, gifts, and gift cards have continued to come in.  Although we hate this situation, the outpouring of love is absolutely beautiful. 

    So I think, for me, my struggle is "how?" How do we keep pushing? What does this actually look like. As my 6 year old screamed a few weeks ago, "Why did you do this to US, God? Why Us?" I felt that in my soul. We're taking it day by day, moment by moment.  Trying to do things that work for us. Slowing down in some spaces, rediscovering and embracing others. 

I've been posting daily updates on Instagram, you can follow us @servingwith7.

39: Getting Ahead of Pat's Birthday(edited)

I remember it clearly. I was sitting alone downstairs on our gray sofa one night, getting ready to head up to bed. As the YouTube video I was watching ended, the "watch next" suggestion was a preview of  a newsstory: "Chadwick Boseman Dead at age 43." I froze. I was stunned. My eyes were glued to the thumbnail. I didn't want to press play. I couldn't understand what I was reading. I didn't know Mr. Boseman, but like most of us I was a fan.  I appreciated his acting skills and his remarkable ability to bring to life one of my family's favorite superheroes, Black Panther.  Watching him on screen, full of life and vibrance and now gone at thirty-nine years old was unsettling to say the least. 

    Patrick was usually pretty chill about his birthday.  The only time it became a really big deal was in 2018 when we hoped that Benjamin would be born on his birthday but instead, he was born the day before.  On October 17, 2021, less than two months before his passing, Patrick turned 39. Thirty-nine isn't really an eventful age. Perhaps some may celebrate it as the last year of their thirties. But I can't imagine that anyone would think of it as their last year of life on this earth.

     I remember sensing that Patrick needed some encouragement. So, I reached out to some friends and family and asked them to send messages so that I could print them out and present Patrick with a box full of blessings & uplifting notes.  I noticed that as he opened each of them, he smiled.  Reading how much he meant to so many was good for his soul. " Ironically, several weeks later I would be creating another box of blessings for us, his bereaved family, full of notes of encouragement and stories of appreciation for his life.

Yesterday, we all sat down as a family and watched the new trailer for Black Panther 2. When it was over, we all cheered.  Patrick was a huge marvel fan, and the Black Panther movies took it to a new level! As we sat there processing all of the possibilities of the sequel's plot, we realized how hard this must have been for the cast since Chadwick is no longer with us.  So, the tears they cried on screen, were probably real and their hearts must have been heavy as they walked out this reality in real life and in the storyline.  Patrick is not here to enjoy this movie with us.  We can all hear his cheers and excitement in our heads.  His passion and enthusiasm for things came from pure places of appreciation.  Just watching his over-the-top reaction to things was a thrill in itself.  I miss his reactions; We all do. 

I didn't think age thirty-nine would be this significant; Patrick's last year on this side, and my first year as a widow. There, I typed it. I still can't believe it. 

*The Kids named our Black Van "Tchalla" and would do this Wakanda tribute as they entered*