Barbershops & Breakdowns

 As we sat here preparing for Hurricane Milton, I received an automated message from a Barber in the area. Early on, I remember trying to find a new barber for the boys. How would I be able to take them back to the man who had cut Patrick's hair? It was right across the street from the hospital that issued me the most devastating blow of my life.  So, I had to find a new one. 

My first interaction with a barber was a few days after losing Patrick. I couldn't and hadn't' absorbed what was happening, but I knew my kids needed to look good. I remembered a company that offered mobile cuts, and I called him before the funeral, and he pulled right up in front of my house.  He had a full shop inside of a gutted FedEx truck. It was quite impressive. But after all the hoopla, after all the families had gone home...I faced the daunting task of taking the boys to a new barber. It was horrible.

What I didn't know, was that the new barber was in the mall. The mall is probably one of the top 5 most triggery places in this city. I HATE the mall.  Incredibly TOO many memories there; it was our hangout spot as a whole family. We often went as Patrick loved shopping for the kids, getting pretzels and haircuts. Back to the new barber. He was slow, he didn't know my kids, and I thought I would die.  But Christian had been booked to shoot a spot for ABC Mouse, and I could no longer put it off. Although I made two appointments for both boys, I had to leave after it took over an hour for one cut.  The rest of that day was a blur. 

After that experience, I knew I had a decision to make. Christian had another shoot and needed his hair cut badly. I asked if he was okay going back to Daddy's barber, and he said yes. We walked in, and Mr. Mike looked like he wanted to cry, but I watched him excitedly greet my son. To this day, I know he has no idea how much that meant to me.  He gently handled my husband. Patrick always came home so pumped after being at the barber. He loved Mike. He loved the conversations, and his heart for his family. Patrick was always a champion of people. As our good friend and Pastor Melody always says, "Patrick left us better than he found us."

So now, the boys go solo or my Brother -in-law takes them for me. It's the place where Benji got his first big boy haircut.  I can imagine how Mike must feel, watching them sit in his chair, month after month, year after year, growing into young men without Patrick.  This loss is so unfair. It's not just one person. It's not just one experience. It's a string of events and moments that he won't be here for. And this makes NO sense. It never will.

Fall Family Update

 The fall season has been hard and mean.  So, I’m thankful for your continued prayers and support.  It all started with our move from Brandon to Valrico in the beginning of August.  Although it’s only about a 12-minute drive between the houses, we were leaving the last place where our family was whole. I must be fully honest, moving as a solo mom of seven kids and making all those decisions myself, even picking up the U-Haul alone -almost broke me.  However, the move was necessary, and downsizing has been very helpful. Not waking up in the “house that I didn’t bring Patrick home to”, provided a little more breathing room in the suffocating grief. We are still close enough to all our extracurriculars, church, friends, family, therapists, etc.

In addition to adjusting to the new place, August was full of trigger days.  Our 18^th wedding anniversary, Elijah’s birthday being two of the hardest.  We took a while to adjust to our new schedule was a wild ride initially.  I feel like I spent much of my time in the car because we still have co-op homeschool classes, therapy, gymnastics/karate, church and outreach.  Joy and Benjamin started school for the first time at an awesome little Lutheran school and even though there are some beautiful additions, the demands of their schedule threw off our usual easygoing pace of life. We also had an opportunity to do something new, and we visited a local “smash room” where the oldest kids were outfitted in safety gear and allowed to smash and break things in a designated room.  The smaller kids and I got to crank up music and splatter and throw paint in the adjoining glow in the dark room. I don’t think that people understand how much pinned up anger and anguish we all have inside of us.  So to be given this safe outlet was very necessary, after a long sorrowful summer without their Dad.  Overall, we made it through the month with some joy amidst the pain and for that we are always grateful.

September was a whole ‘nother beast. My goodness! Our schedules were in full speed, we were still trying to get a rhythm. Thankfully we had a quick getaway for Elijah’s birthday, and I believe it gave us all a boost. Kendall had her first interview, where she was chosen to be an outreach volunteer for the Pregnancy Center in Plant City, as she is passionate about Pro-life causes.  She had no idea, that this was my passion as well and I worked at a Pregnancy crises center in college all the way up until my pregnancy with her.  The babies started gymnastics, and it was Amira’s very first extracurricular activity and after a few tears, she enjoyed her class. Separation anxiety has been huge this month for many of the kids. 

And here we are in October. I feel offended that the year is almost over, and Patrick is not here. Thankfully, we started off the month with a bang with a visit from his little sister Krislyn, her husband (who we hooked her up with), and their two kids. Seeing my niece and nephew have cousin time with my kids was beautiful. However, just still unbelievable that their proud Uncle Pat wasn’t with us.  We spent time on the beach, they came to our home, we took them to our favorite parks and out for ice cream.  It was a true blessing to love on them and be loved.

Then we were blessed with tickets to see Elevation Worship in the VIP seats at the Amalie Arena, the four oldest kids went with close friends of ours and they had a blast.  My sister and brother-in-law took the little ones to Chuck E. Cheese so I could have a couple hours to myself. On top of it all, we hit another milestone where Kendall went to her FIRST DANCE! The Homeschool Homecoming of 2023 was a great experience for her, and we had friends and family show up to see her off. She looked beautiful and handled herself like the beautiful young lady she’s growing into. She said she danced for hours.

 The next major move this month was the starting of our Peer Grief Support Group, Hand in Hand.  The kids helped me to create the structure, choose volunteers, pick curriculum and activities, and even went to tour the church with me.  We had our first official meeting on Tuesday 10/10, which also marked the 22^nd month since we lost Patrick. It was truly an honor to do something new and beautiful on that day.  We built something new on this side of our loss, and that means so much for our grief journey. Our families and volunteers showed up early and eager to walk this road together. 

The next big thing is a celebration we are having this Sunday 10/15 that will be a combination of celebrating four years in ministry and New Life Village’s “Fishers of Men” award, given in Patrick’s honor.  I intentionally planned this on the 15^th, because the 16^th is Benji’s 5^th birthday, and the 17^th would have been Patrick’s 41^st birthday. So, trying to do life-giving things that would honor God and Patrick is how we are getting through this.  We are so grateful for your prayers and ask that you will keep them coming, they make a difference.  I usually update our Instagram at least once a day, if you would follow us @servingwith7 that would be great.  Our Peer Support Group is on Instagram as well @hand_in_hand_brandon

How we #KeepItMoving: Summertime Edition

    The only reason I have any recollection of last summer is because of all the photos that pop up on my phone to remind me. But I can't believe it's summer...again. I don't want it to be summer again. I need time to freeze and rewind to Winter 2021, so I can bring Pat back. Over the past few weeks, people have asked how I'm able to juggle being a solo mom of seven and have asked how they can help. One of the things that I usually tell people is that "we do all the things." 

    Since our loss, we rarely stay in the house. It's crucial that we have things to look forward to. But at the same time, I make sure to schedule blocks of time where we have nothing planned so that we can just process and exist without obligation. Both of these things have been extremely helpful on our grief journey. Because I know that if I stay in the house too long, I'll melt into a puddle of tears; unproductive and unable to move. But I also know that too much busyness overwhelms me and adds to my anxiety. So, it's a delicate balance. This is how I learned that it's costly to grieve with kids. 

    When Patrick was here, we spent hours doing life with each other. We would limit our commitments to make sure we had time to enjoy one another and grow in God as a family. Just being together doing everyday things was an adventure.  We were very cautious not to get our kids involved in too many activities, as we were already a big family in ministry: That alone, kept us on the go.  But now...we do all the sports & all the activities. This is why I'm grateful for all the blessings and help that comes our way. I'm grateful that in Florida we have access to many free and low-cost activities and ways to enjoy nature. Beautiful distractions, including lots of #friendtherapy help us get through the days. So, this is what our summer looks like.  It's imperative that we #keepitmoving.  If you know someone who has grieving kids, please share this list with them.

"How's Therapy Going?"

    I snapped this picture below of Benjamin today at our family therapy session.  The counseling office was so comfy that both my babies went to sleep right there on the sofa. My four and two-year-old had been up in the wee hours of the morning; they couldn't sleep.  They were triggered and afraid.  So that meant Momma didn't get much sleep either.  We used to share a room with Pat, and they can feel the gaping space. Although it’s been 17 months since we lost him, they still just want their daddy back. They want their world whole again. 

    About a week ago, I posted a video on Instagram that went viral. Before this, I thought that viral meant about 10k views. This particular video, that was uploaded from my ring camera, now has over 426,000 views! I started not to post it, because it was jarring to even me when I watched it back. It was one of my most unguarded, vulnerable moments of grief.  But it blessed many.  The messages of solidary and empathy poured in by he thousands.  But several people asked, "are you in counseling?"

 

    In May of 2020, Patrick and I were looking forward to walking across the stage of Luther Rice College & Seminary to receive our well-earned master's degrees in biblical counseling.  But the pandemic had other plans, so the ceremony was cancelled. But we still had a socially distanced celebration in our caps and gowns.  Yet another crazy milestone in the adventures of Pat N' Keisha.  Over the years, we had been honored to counsel dozens of beautiful, strong, faithful servants during our time together in ministry. In addition, one of the very last projects that Patrick was working on before he went into the hospital, was a mental health initiative at his job.  He not only helped get paid prayer/mediation time approved, but he oversaw the implementation of a mental wellness room on the work site.  

   As a lifelong proponent of mental health, I’ve seen a therapist on several occasions as an adult.  I realize that although I'm a strong person, part of my strength is knowing when to tag in help. Over the past decade, Patrick and I both have gained coping techniques and been provided a safe place to vent with the help of licensed mental health counselors.  But therapists are not magicians. Therapists are not God. The hard, ugly and awful doesn’t go away because you make an appointment, sit on a cozy couch, and pour out your heart.  A counselor cannot solve your problems, break your habits, right your wrongs, or in our case…being our person back.

    Has counseling been helpful? Yes, it helps take the edge off and I wouldn't want to walk this journey without having trusted, equipped counselors in our village.  Since the week after Patrick's Heaven Party, we've been under the care of Christian Therapists.  But some Things you can’t walk around; you can only walk through. What I share here, is what walking through looks like.

Community Clock In: The Best NEIGHBORS

 

Last night, the kids and I pulled into the driveway  from an evening playground run.  This has been our custom for as long as I can remember.  Most of our neighbors have dogs and they take them for their evening walk past our house on a regular basis. It's almost like clockwork.

I pulled in and let the kids go inside while I stayed in the car to catch my breath before clocking in to the bedtime shift of struggly solo parenting. I saw our neighbor, Matt, walking his two dogs, but then saw him cross in front of the van and come toward me.

"I know we usually don't talk, but we're moving and I wanted to know if you guys could use an extra long twin bed," he said. I explained to him that we had more beds than kids in our house which was a blessing and that we were getting ready to move also , this summer.  I inquired more about his move as he began to tell me that he and his wife had raised their son, and would now be moving to some acres they'd bought in Georgia.  After giving him my card and agreeing to help find someone who may be interested in the furniture, I went into my house and began to cry uncontrollably. 

My kids ran up to me and started giving me endless hugs.  Finally they asked, "what's wrong mom? What happened." I was taken aback by my own response. I yelled out, "Matt is moving away." The kids were confused as to why I cared this much about a man I'd never spoken with. But, this neighbor was the very first perso that Patrick met and interacted with when we moved here in 2021.  He took the kids for a walk and met Matt and his two dogs.  For the rest of the months that he was on this earth, he would acknowledge Matt and his dogs. Matt's connection to Patrick was something that I had no idea would hit me the way it did. Another thing, that is close to Patrick, that ties Patrick to us is going away. That unexpected trigger almost broke me.  Grief is like that. You really never know.

I decided to take this opportunity after my meltdown last night to gush about our amazing neighbors. This is our first time living in a neighborhood as opposed to a subdivision.  Since day one, these have been the finest and most helpful people we've come to know.  When Patrick was in the hospital, immediately after his surgery, we could come home to snacks, and drinks on our doorsteps.  People would constantly check in.  When my sister told my neighbors across the street that he had passed, they stood there crying and consoling each other.  They couldn't believe it. "I spoke to him one time. One time was all it took. He changed my life." That was the sentiment of many.  We had only been here about four months before Patrick's passing.  He made it a point to walk around the entire cul-de-sac to introduce himself and our family to the neighbors. He spent his life as an outreach pastor, corporate trainer, and established salesman. So, meeting people where they were, was his speciality.

In the days leading up to and after the celebration of life, I would come home to dinners, diapers, wipes, trash bags, groceries, drinks, etc. Every day for a long while, the neighbors took care of us. I remember on Christmas day, one of our neighbors walked over first thing in the morning with flowers for me and a kind note.  She was one of many.  On Christmas morning, people were leaving their families to come console ours.  I'm getting teary eyed typing this, because that level of beauty in humanity was something I so desperately needed.    

Several neighbors came over and brought additional chairs for my family to use and they visited. Another neighbor volunteered to take my kid to volleyball practice when I was simply overwhelmed with grief and anxiety and couldn't bring myself to drive. When Patrick was here, he would always fix the blinds.  I could never do it and I would get very anxious and frustrated.  When I didn't get to bring him home from the hospital, I realized that I was stuck with no one to help with the blinds.  One of my neighbors and her husband came over and adjusted them all for me and told me they'd be over to do it as often as I needed it.

There are so many stories of the beautiful people in this neighborhood showing up for me ,and perhaps it's the fact that we'll have to be leaving soon that I'm finally able to share these memories. After one very tough birthday, I had taken the kids on a quick overnight trip to Orlando.  This was the first boy to celebrate a birthday without their Dad, and it was HEAVY.  I cried almost the whole way home.  I knew that I needed to get gas but I was afraid that if I stopped, I wouldn't get back started and we'd be stuck in whatever town we were in.   So I made it all the way  back home but the tank was on E.  When I started the car later that afternoon to take Christian to basketball practice, of course it wouldn't crank.  One of my neighbors walked down to me, in the rain, and helped me and Christian to pour gas from our gas can into the tank. We were all wet from the rain and gas was leaking everywhere, as it was a new gas can that Patrick got us and I wasn't familiar with how to use it.  She didn't care.  She stayed there to help and even called to check on me to make sure I made it to the gas station. 

These stories ,these neighbors, this neighborhood will always have a special place in my heart.  Although I'm ready to move, I'm also anxious.  Leaving what has felt like a caring community to an unknown place without Patrick's seems daunting.  Everything is so bittersweet. I'll never forget their kindness, and I'll always be inclined and inspired by them to pay it forward.