It's been almost two years....

    It’s been almost two years, and Patrick still has not come home. I type that at the risk of sounding crazy, but to be honest I’m not crazy. This situation is crazy. Having 14 kids' birthdays without Patrick is crazy. Solo parenting seven grieving children all while I am trying to navigate what just happened to my life… That’s crazy. Still being able to provide emotional support, do outreach, and create a foundation for the bereaved while grieving...that's crazy.

    In the first few weeks of losing Patrick, someone who was probably well-meaning yet ill-informed, said to me, "God is going to use this." That infuriated me on 100 different levels! As someone who has been used the majority of my life by God, this didn't seem like the logical next move. Over years ago, God burst into my "independent woman" plans, united me with Patrick, and allowed us to create a small army of disciples.  I think I can safely say that the death of Patrick wasn't necessary in order for God to use us. We were being used just fine and frequently. The very same God that created something from dust, with His very words... The God that can grow an entire human in the womb of a mother for nine months... That kind of creative God did not have to take my husband and these kids' father in order for us to be used. But I digress. 

    During this time, I have seen exactly how much it takes to keep it moving. I watch my children continuously make the choice to wake up each morning and stare the day in the face. I look on as they take one step toward the light; onne step toward peace and joy, in the midst of extreme confusion.  I have seen their talents and personalities develop. I have seen a resilience in them that I didn’t think was possible. I have seen the love and guidance of their earthly father show up in them in a myriad of ways. Yet I’ve also heard screams from their little bodies that I could’ve gone my whole life without hearing. I’ve seen them be disappointed at people who truly should’ve showed up for us. I have seen the toiling of their little minds as they process never seeing Daddy again. I’ve seen them break into a full-blown panic at the slightest scare. This kind of out- of- order loss makes everything that you are sure of feel like quicksand.  Amazingly, I’ve seen my children be kept by God in a way that can only be the result of His sovereignty. I’ve heard joy in their hearts as they sing songs of praise. I’ve heard the pain in their lyrics as they screamed the words to songs that no longer seem like they fit life as we know it.  I’ve witnessed true joy as they experience a new adventure.  

    In the past two years, we've learned exactly what it feels like to be "in the margins" even more than we did before. And the lack of support and compassion for grieving families has been one of the saddest realities on this road. Wearily, we press on and continue to be who God has made us. If you are new to our blog, we thank you for taking the time to read this. We really want to shed light on how absolutely awful the moment-to-moment grief impacts us. It’s been two years, but it didn’t get better. Our village has been absolutely everything!  It takes so many mental and physical resources to keep it moving. So much compassion and flexibility are required to continue to raise these children in the light of the Lord: To keep them pressing on in purpose.  So, if you have been one of the people that we knew would be there for us, we thank you and appreciate you for doubling down and showing your love for Patrick by loving his family.  But, if you happen to be one of those that walked away in our darkest time, I respectfully ask that you keep walking. There were a bunch of little losses that follow Patrick’s passing, and although they were not as substantial, it still stung. We still noticed. Alas, God provides.

Fall Family Update

 The fall season has been hard and mean.  So, I’m thankful for your continued prayers and support.  It all started with our move from Brandon to Valrico in the beginning of August.  Although it’s only about a 12-minute drive between the houses, we were leaving the last place where our family was whole. I must be fully honest, moving as a solo mom of seven kids and making all those decisions myself, even picking up the U-Haul alone -almost broke me.  However, the move was necessary, and downsizing has been very helpful. Not waking up in the “house that I didn’t bring Patrick home to”, provided a little more breathing room in the suffocating grief. We are still close enough to all our extracurriculars, church, friends, family, therapists, etc.

In addition to adjusting to the new place, August was full of trigger days.  Our 18^th wedding anniversary, Elijah’s birthday being two of the hardest.  We took a while to adjust to our new schedule was a wild ride initially.  I feel like I spent much of my time in the car because we still have co-op homeschool classes, therapy, gymnastics/karate, church and outreach.  Joy and Benjamin started school for the first time at an awesome little Lutheran school and even though there are some beautiful additions, the demands of their schedule threw off our usual easygoing pace of life. We also had an opportunity to do something new, and we visited a local “smash room” where the oldest kids were outfitted in safety gear and allowed to smash and break things in a designated room.  The smaller kids and I got to crank up music and splatter and throw paint in the adjoining glow in the dark room. I don’t think that people understand how much pinned up anger and anguish we all have inside of us.  So to be given this safe outlet was very necessary, after a long sorrowful summer without their Dad.  Overall, we made it through the month with some joy amidst the pain and for that we are always grateful.

September was a whole ‘nother beast. My goodness! Our schedules were in full speed, we were still trying to get a rhythm. Thankfully we had a quick getaway for Elijah’s birthday, and I believe it gave us all a boost. Kendall had her first interview, where she was chosen to be an outreach volunteer for the Pregnancy Center in Plant City, as she is passionate about Pro-life causes.  She had no idea, that this was my passion as well and I worked at a Pregnancy crises center in college all the way up until my pregnancy with her.  The babies started gymnastics, and it was Amira’s very first extracurricular activity and after a few tears, she enjoyed her class. Separation anxiety has been huge this month for many of the kids. 

And here we are in October. I feel offended that the year is almost over, and Patrick is not here. Thankfully, we started off the month with a bang with a visit from his little sister Krislyn, her husband (who we hooked her up with), and their two kids. Seeing my niece and nephew have cousin time with my kids was beautiful. However, just still unbelievable that their proud Uncle Pat wasn’t with us.  We spent time on the beach, they came to our home, we took them to our favorite parks and out for ice cream.  It was a true blessing to love on them and be loved.

Then we were blessed with tickets to see Elevation Worship in the VIP seats at the Amalie Arena, the four oldest kids went with close friends of ours and they had a blast.  My sister and brother-in-law took the little ones to Chuck E. Cheese so I could have a couple hours to myself. On top of it all, we hit another milestone where Kendall went to her FIRST DANCE! The Homeschool Homecoming of 2023 was a great experience for her, and we had friends and family show up to see her off. She looked beautiful and handled herself like the beautiful young lady she’s growing into. She said she danced for hours.

 The next major move this month was the starting of our Peer Grief Support Group, Hand in Hand.  The kids helped me to create the structure, choose volunteers, pick curriculum and activities, and even went to tour the church with me.  We had our first official meeting on Tuesday 10/10, which also marked the 22^nd month since we lost Patrick. It was truly an honor to do something new and beautiful on that day.  We built something new on this side of our loss, and that means so much for our grief journey. Our families and volunteers showed up early and eager to walk this road together. 

The next big thing is a celebration we are having this Sunday 10/15 that will be a combination of celebrating four years in ministry and New Life Village’s “Fishers of Men” award, given in Patrick’s honor.  I intentionally planned this on the 15^th, because the 16^th is Benji’s 5^th birthday, and the 17^th would have been Patrick’s 41^st birthday. So, trying to do life-giving things that would honor God and Patrick is how we are getting through this.  We are so grateful for your prayers and ask that you will keep them coming, they make a difference.  I usually update our Instagram at least once a day, if you would follow us @servingwith7 that would be great.  Our Peer Support Group is on Instagram as well @hand_in_hand_brandon

Trigger Date Clusters *Special Prayer Requests*

 

As you can see, we’re in Trigger Cluster #2 of this year. No breaks. All days leading up to and between each holiday or special date seem agonizing 😭. So many babies, so many birthdays, so many tears. It’s not only that the kids long for their father to be here. But the siblings…they feel it. And we all feel helpless because no amount of fun can make up for the gaping hole. The genuine joy and excitement from their Dad on their birthdays is something that simply cannot be replicated. Dates are hard. The best thing that I have found, is to create opportunities to look forward to on the special days. Get out of the house! That takes the edge off. It’s possible that in the future these days will feel less dreadful…that’s what I hear. But idk. Only God knows.

June Family Updates

    Just like this time last year, June has been quite a full month.  It was the first month in our summer activities as homeschool co-op and Wednesday night church activities have ended, and of course to make up to keep ourselves busy in a positive way.

    This summer has started out pretty dreadful for the most of us.  I think that it being the second summer without Patrick feels extra mean.  The kids and I have had some pretty rough days, and that's okay.  We're learning to count the wins in each day, as opposed to counting the number of good days.  We still have not found our footing, and I don't think we ever will. Loving someone this much, being loved wholly by them, and then losing them isn't something that time will just allow us to "get over."

So here is what we've been up to:

    The older three kids volunteered for Vacation Bible School and totally rocked it!

Kendall & Christian were lead teachers in the classrooms.  Elijah had a blast for his first-time volunteering, and he had the super important job of leading the Kindergartners in daily Physical Education and games.  We were out in the community a few weeks after VBS concluded and a little ones yelled, "Hey, that's my teacher from church." Elijah beamed with pride. I was so proud of the kids for getting up serving, faithfully. It was great to see them all enjoy their time.

Avielle, Joy, and Benji made lots of friends and looked forward to each day of Vacation Bible School.  Amira and I had some time to ourselves; but she loves being around the siblings, so she started to miss them about the second day.  Thankfully, we have an awesome village, and I was able to clock-in friends to take her to have a good time while the older siblings were away. 

    All of the kids started in Educational Programs at the local Family Resource Center. They are covering topics such as mathematics, social -emotional intelligence, and Kendall even built a robot at the local community college for a weeklong robotics program! They have all also continued to #KeepItMoving by each playing a vital role in our Virtual Encouragement for Preservation Ministries.  Whether they sing, read a devotional, or give a testimony, they are always willing to walk in the way of the Lord, and in the legacy of their father.  

    As Father's Day approached, we all started to feel the effect of the weight of another important day without our guy.  I panicked as storms covered the entire state.  My initial plan to get away to a water park was foiled.  My backup plan to go to the beach was also nixed.  I knew that I did not want to wake up on Sunday here in this house without the Superdad.  So just like last year, I had to find a way to pad the pain.  

I got a bright idea and found a super cute farm with a tiny home for us to stay for the night. It was fairly close to the house.  Many people know that I'm not the best with animals but for these kids there is not much I won't do.  So being able to watch them wake up in nature, walk out to feed the chickens, goats and cows brough my heart so much peace.  It also gave me direction in our next move.

July will be our last month in this house; the house that we didn't bring Patrick home to.  That stings. It hurts so bad, yet it is true.  So, after visiting the farm, it solidified that we needed to downsize and find a place with more land as we spend 75% of our time running around and being outdoors anyway.  So currently, our prayer is that God will provide a place that fits our needs, and  favor for all to work out.  I will post updates on our instagram @servingwith7.

    On the last therapy Thursday of June, all seven of the kids had counseling appointments.  That was the first time every one of them had been seen on the same day and it was truly a task.  I'm grateful to have a village of competent supportive therapists to help us along this journey.  God has truly orchestrated and aligned our path with people who love Him and love us well.  

    There have been so many beautiful blessings from people all over this month, it has been so helpful.  Deliveries of dinner, toiletries, paper products, groceries, bottled water, fun passes, gift cards has really helped us to see that God sees us. God continues to send his people and from the bottom of my heart, I'm grateful.

This coming season of triggery dates, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. is going to be rough.  So, we're counting on your continued prayers to see us through. 

If April Showers Bring May Flowers...I'll Take 'Em

    April was an interesting month. It seemed to fly by, but it definitely made sure to leave a lasting impression.  There were some absolutely beautiful, proud moments; and for those we thank God.  However, there were some experiences that made our grief ultra heavy this past month. All in all, we made it.

    The end of April marked the close of our first ever Homeschool Co-Op School year.  We have homeschooled the kids since 2012 when Kendall was a Kindergartener.  Now she is a rising Sophomore in High School.  It was truly a joy to unite with other families with homeschoolers of all ages who loved Jesus and were excited to learn.  It was honestly also cool to see that parenting/homeschooling can have crazy unpredictable times as well.  The kids were elated to get up every Tuesday and go learn, laugh, and lunch with their peers. It's truly been one of the highlights of the past year.  

    The kids have truly enjoyed Wednesday Night worship at our local church.  Having a routine whenever possible is so crucial.  Of all the kids, I think Benji enjoys his time best.  He loves craft time, making friends, and learning new worship songs. Unfortunately, the church takes a break from May-August for their Wednesday programming, so I'll have to look into alternatives to keep the kids looking forward to some midweek fun.  I got a special call from the Kid's Pastor that truly uplifted me and encouraged me to "keep on bringin' 'em."

    Five of the kids got to start back karate at the homeschool resource center.  Benjamin had patiently waited until he was four years old to join the clan. They had a blast! Not only did they learn, grow, and have some excellent guidance from Mr. Jon, every single one of them ended the semester with a promotion! Elijah & Christian are now Blue Belts, Avielle & Joy are now green belts, and Benji is officially a yellow belt! I still say that involving them in karate has been one of my best decisions after our loss. 

    Our second Easter was dreadful, to be completely honest.  There was no way I could have saw it coming.  Something about the color-coordinated families, Jesus being raised from the dead, etc... just didn't feel like a celebration. I'm so thankful for friends and family who stepped in to take the kids to do all of the traditional things this year to keep their minds occupied, because I was a broken mess. Because although Jesus was raised from the dead, He also died. And that was where we were stuck for the moment.  

    We continued our second round of birthdays, Joy's on the 15th and my sister's on the 19th.  The kids and I definitely felt it. Even the older boys, I noticed because quite somber.  Some of the kids became really overactive.  As we anticipated celebrating yet another birthday without Patrick.  We had a last-minute gathering with family and a few close friends. One of my boys said, "I'm sorry I just don't feel like celebrating." I assured him and replied, "I think celebrating is a strong word. Today, we are commemorating, the day that this beautiful little tiebreaker, came into our lives."

    Play dates with friends, meetings with their mentors, fun class projects, birthday parties, spring basketball camp, meeting our new eye doctor, our first yard sale and volunteering at the food bank filled our calendars with beautiful things for April. We count all of the wins, great and small.  But to close out the month, we took the five younger kids to the Memorial Gardens for the first time, to officially see Patrick's "ornament." I'll have to post about that at another time, I'm still processing it.  

Letter of Loss: The Purpose of the Blog (Jan. 2022)

 *This was originally sent out via email or facebook post at the beginning of this year. Newer readers of the blog can find a short version of our story below*

  On Saturday December 4, 2021, Patrick was out shopping for our Prayer and Produce Outreach.  The morning was usual, except I decided to bring the oldest four kids to him at Aldi and let him get a head start at the store where he would meet Aileen, one of our Community Outreach Leaders.  I pulled up and sent the kids into the store to help Patrick and Aileen shop and load the car with produce for the outreach that would start at 11:30am.  Earlier that morning at home, we decided that I would keep the youngest three with me as it had been hard on them to tag along as the outreach was during their nap/lunch time. That day, after dropping them off, I stayed close and went to Home Goods next door. I got a call from my oldest daughter Kendall about 20 minutes later from Patrick's phone, she said "Dad has a pain in his chest and needs you to come over." So I went over on foot, and when I arrived, he was in Aileen's truck partially reclined  and calmly said "I need you to bring the car." So, I got the van and drove around back to load him and take him to the ER. Patrick instructed Aileen on how to carry on with the prayer and produce without him. She later told me that he made her promise to "keep it going."  On my way to get the van, I called my sister Kandace and asked her to come get the kids.  The kids and I quickly dropped Patrick off at the ER and then I drove them home, about an 8 minute drive. I got them something to eat and ran back out to meet Patrick at the hospital. When I went in, they basically said that he had an aortic tear, and they could not operate and wanted to airlift him to Tampa General.  So, I tried to keep calm and keep him calm, as they made these preparations. After a while, they decided that moving him was too much of a risk and told us that the top heart surgeon was in route to Brandon  to operate on him.  The surgery was more than five hours and although it went well, Patrick's other organs did not tolerate the trauma of the surgery and six days later he passed. Kandace (my sister) was there with me and never left my side. The nurses and doctors worked so very hard, I watched them try everything they could think of. Everyone, every single person, of every age, race, theological background, was shocked. We were all waiting on the testimony of healing on this side. The immediate outpouring of love, support, and shared grief has been humbling. He was the very best of us. One of the last things he said to my (daughter) Avielle was "You did so good baby" as she was one of the most excited to do outreach on that Saturday and was helping him to shop.  Patrick turned down an opportunity to watch the Alabama game with my brother-in-Law, Leon because he had a one-on-one date planned with Kendall (our oldest daughter) later on that Saturday. 

The last thing he was doing before going into the hospital was spending time with his children and modeling servant leadership for them.  They were excited to go out with him and share the love of Jesus in the community. That's who he was.  One of his last accomplishments on the job as Director of Logistics, was finalizing a Mental Health Initiative for his employees that included paid meditation/prayer time, spiritual yoga, as well as other resources provided by the company.  He told me that a lot of people were hurting and going through, he took everyone's pain and story as his own.  Patrick never met a stranger, if you spent 10 minutes with him, you felt like you had gained a new best friend. So very genuine, kind and funny.  He was everybody's hype man, if you had any doubt about what you could do, he would make sure to encourage you.  I’ve known him for almost two decades. He was my very best friend and true love, my partner. He always made sure that the kids and I felt loved and prioritized. He loved the community, family, friends and all of our partners. One of our friends put it best, "the world will be a little darker without him here." Thank you for your support and prayers as we seek God for supernatural comfort, healing for our hearts, and next steps.

Blessings & Peace,

Keisha L. Wheeler

Family Updates for July

Lord Jesus, July!

I'm not saying that in vain! I truly mean it. July came in, knocked all the trinkets off of the shelf of general store and ran out the back door with HASTE! This summer was a lot, almost in an overwhelming way. With health drama, extracurriculars, birthdays, milestones and celebrations I feel like I braced myself accordingly. There is a lot to share, so I will only post brief highlights. I hope to blog more in August as follow-ups to some things I'm sharing below. 

The Firsts

For the first time since I can remember, Benji woke up and shouted, "I had a good dream mommy!"  He went on to tell me that in the dream, he was a power ranger.  This started my day off with a praise.  God knows, and so do many of you, how Benji has been having nightmares and night terrors every single night since the passing of his Dad. Mornings are awful for me, but I will never forget that morning as it was an answer to prayer.

One night as we all sat down for nighttime prayer, Max asked God to help him and the basketball team to do well. I heard him carefully crafting his words to make sure that he was shielding himself from any disappointment of an unanswered prayer. (A post for later). Although Max, Elijah and their team lost the game, Max shot the ball! In previous games, he hadn't taken a single shot out of fear of not making it. When he came home from the game he said, "Mom, I overcame my fear of taking shots. I took some and made them! God showed up for me." 

Another Holiday

There was no way to prepare for the fourth.  As the month of July rolled in, I once again began to feel the loss of Patrick in a physical way. None of the busyness could pad me from it, and I didn't expect it to.  I'm thankful for my sister and our friends the Thomases for stepping in and taking the kids as I felt like my feet were in mud the entire day.  We had just bought Patrick his first brand new grill last August after we sold our home and moved here. As it sat unused on a day that our family looked forward to enjoying being together and tasting his award-winning barbecue, the feeling was gut-wrenching.  The ram in the bush came in the form of our beautiful neighbors.  On our way home, the kids were finishing up a debate on whether we could do fireworks or not. Just as we turned onto our street, our neighbors flagged us down and insisted that we come back for food and fireworks.  That took a huge burden off of me and it was a beautiful time for myself and those of my kids who could bear it.

Birthdays

Our "bookends" as Patrick would call them, the youngest and oldest, had birthdays this month. Both were milestones in my opinion. Amira turned two and Kendall turned fourteen. In anticipation of both of those days and on heels of Fourth of July, I was not okay. His absence felt so heavy, so wrong, and so unreal. On a bright note, beautiful friends and families made the girls feel special. We had special friends who were visiting from Tennessee and Kosovo and were able to come by and celebrate with us. God was near.

Fun Things

Avielle and Elijah had an excellent time at the week-long worship camp at a local church. They are two of the most reserved of the kids and to see them on stage, memorizing all of the moves and lyrics as they performed a musical about Jonah was very refreshing for all of us.  For the rest of the month, we had playdates, gymnastics, basketball games, karate and anything else indoors that we could do. We even got a chance to do horseback riding for the first time, in honor of Kendall's birthday. 

Fishers of Men Ceremony & Award

Shortly after Patrick's heavenly promotion, a local charitable organization dear to our hearts came to me with an idea to honor his legacy and commitment to the community. Although I wasn't ready at that time, they patiently waited and we were able to have the ceremony on the 16th.   A young man was honored with the Fisher's of Men award, a college friend and brother in ministry came to speak, and we were surrounded with friends, family, and the entire village. It was truly a beautiful and humbling honor.

Church 3 Year Anniversary

This was tough.  About five years ago, God gave Patrick and I a vision for a church; really, an outreach ministry.  We watched and were obedient as he arranged and ordained all of the pieces to come to fruition in the summer of 2019.  Our entire family hasn't been back to the church for months, it's been too hard.  But on the 24th, we all came together to honor what God had done and is still doing. The service was wonderful, intimate, honorable and we made it through. I'll share more on this later.

Hard Things

Parenting was hard this month. Solo parenting through loss and disappointment is grueling. It was all hard this month.  I had to re-sign a lease, buy new tires, hire a plumber and a couple of other things that I was fully capable of doing, but wished I didn't have to. Things that I wouldn't be doing in my old normal life, the one where my "husbae" was by my side.  I found myself angry this month and just missing our partnership. Life is a lot, and we were better together.  I also pushed myself to go out on a notary assignment and that was a good change of pace for me and I'm looking forward to continuing to do more.  

Immeasurable Kindness

At the end of this month, I received a certified letter from Hillsboro Memorial Gardens. My heart sank, and people close to me know how much I hate dealing with "final things".  The letter was a paid in full certificate, showing that a couple of exceptional people had anonymously taken care of the "decoration" for Patrick's Memorial.   It was only an act of God that carried me through making the customary arrangements for the "Heaven Party" as the kids called it. I later realized that I didn't know how or even where to notify others of the location of his memorial.  So, to have someone think so much of our family and our person, to take care of this...we are watching God carry us. 

Out of the Mouths of Babes-Bedtime Prayers

Bedtime prayer has gotten better. I hesitate to even acknowledge it because honestly, I'm fearful of regression. In this situation, I don't even know if progress is sensible or attainable.  Today, instead of posting a million emojis to sum up our day, I'm going to post some of the most beautifully candid things that have come from the mouths of these little ones during this time. 

"Lord, I know You don't make mistakes, but this feels like your very first one"

"God, please show us You love us, because this doesn't feel like love"

"God we just need our Daddy back so he can play football with Me and Mister. Brother Jerry, and Mrs. Lois"

"God, please give Dad a Big hug for us and tell him we found his stash of candy on top of the refrigerator"

"God, thank you for the insane amount of love Daddy gave us"

"God, please heal the hearts of everyone who was at Dad's heaven party; this is a global hurt"

"God, I feel like You have the candle and You're holding it in another room. We can't see any light. Help us to trust You because all we see is darkness"

"God, please spoil Daddy up there in heaven, because he deserves it"

Family Updates For April

April was a climb. I'm not going to lie.  Although there were several small and large victories, I realized this month that I don't have my reinforcement.  Raising a family of this size, with the diversity of personalities and giftings was a delicate dance.  It became more real to me this month that we're missing the reinforcement. The teamwork of our parenting was a godsend, and very necessary. Accepting that I am apparently supposed to go at this alone, without my person, truly knocked the wind out of me this month.  As always, I am truly grateful for each of the prayer warriors. Knowing that you're there, lifting us up to the Father is a treasure and a comfort to our souls. Know that the kids are praying for y'all as well.

A List of Beautiful Things

• I got a chance to finish up this round of Mommy Dates with Elijah, Avielle, and Joy. We enjoyed our one-on-one time together.
• A few nights a week, we added the Compliment Circle to our bedtime prayer routine. Each of the kids go around and share what they love, admire or appreciate about their sibling. It is a beautiful time of reflection and takes the edge off of struggle nights.
• We got a chance to have one of our counseling sessions at a new location this month. It was situated on a beautiful property with porch swings, horses, and space to relax while the others were in session.  
• The YMCA Splash pad and pool has been a great way for us to unwind on the weekends, all of the kids had a blast in the water!
• We had a fun time celebrating Joy and my sister Kandace's birthdays, they are only 4 days apart. 
• For Easter we celebrated by attending our first outing of the year at New Life Village.  Then, we headed to Lutz for easter egg hunts and pony rides and ended with two church services on Easter Sunday.
• We implemented a new activity to help our "Struggly Sundays".  We now call them "Sundae Sundays" and we visit a local ice cream shop in honor of our person. We've always enjoyed laughs and ice cream with family and friends.
• Most of the kids will be performing in a music recital later in May at our church. 

Family Updates

Joy is really making strides. She turned six this month, is now able to read family devotionals! She has been standing in worship more and even waking up singing.  She also graduated to Book B in Piano, and is excited to continue to learn. Seeing genuine excitement on her face was beautiful and refreshing.  One area that has been hardest for her is learning karate.  She is often shy and in this season, more sensitive to quick action and loud noise.  But, she pushed through an entire class and was rewarded by earning a stripe on her white belt for a job well done.  She was so proud of herself, and so was the entire class. 

Avielle has had a very hard month with her grief.  I am watching her process through it and doing everything I can to help. So far, looking at pictures, using her new noise machine at bedtime and baths are helpful.  She is enjoying kids grief group and also her time with the therapist.  We all were so proud of her when she became a Yellow Belt in karate. She is having an excellent time learning and helping to teach the younger kids in her class.  Avi looks forward to worship on Wednesday Nights and time on the tree swing in the front yard.  I am thankful for those who call and FaceTime her, the support gets her through.

Benjamin is such a sweet kid.  He loves soccer and we've all been excited to be there to cheer him on.  The season will end this week and we're looking forward to celebrating him and his lil' teammates as they receive their medals. Ben also loves the park, playdates with friends, and Wednesday worship.  Although the night terrors have seemed to subside, he is still really having issues getting to sleep in spite of our routine.  This past weekend , he and I started reciting "Jesus loves me and is always with me", when he gets afraid at night. It helps some, but this part is hard for me. During prayer time he often asks God to bring his daddy back, "Because he was the best and my favorite." 

Elijah is really enjoying and excelling in Karate, we will be signing him up for the summer.  He and Max earned their orange belts this month and we were so proud!  Elijah is also loving the grief group and learning with his friends at Wednesday Worship. He's been having a better month regarding his grief and is communicating more. Looking at photos, telling stories, and planning to do things "like Dad" helps him to process.  Eli plays his tablet and uses his legos in his free time and is a great cook.  He also has an A average in his schoolwork. 

Christian is also really enjoying and excelling in Karate, he is often used to help demonstrate with the instructor.  He is a great help around the house and enjoys putting things together, including furniture. In his free time Max's been enjoying football games on the tablet, helping with the plants, and hanging with friends.  He even volunteered for the dunk tank at Wednesday Night Church.  He's mostly private with his grieving process but opens up at grief group, with the therapist and in our nightly emails.  Max excels in his schoolwork, especially Math and Reading and has an A average. 

Amira is getting big and has a vast vocabulary. She's an excellent little helper and loves following her big brother Benji around.  She loves going out to the tree swing and trying on everyone's shoes.  Amira loves the band, For King & Country, and sings along to all of their songs.  

Kendall has been coming in clutch as the babysitter for short errands.  She's also been helping prepare dinner, and so far, her red beans & rice with shrimp has been a family hit! Kendall is an A student and is excelling in her studies especially Math and Science.  She enjoys Youth Group, lunch with friends and even got an opportunity to volunteer with the toddlers at church on Easter.  Kendall is looking forward to playing soccer in the fall.  She is such a beautiful young lady and a great artist. She is always finding the light and sharing fun stories about her Dad. 

Me: Last fall, I started my journey as a Notary Public.  This month, I was able to meet with and receive training from an industry professional.  It was good to learn something new and it brought me joy. It was refreshing.  I did many, many hard things this month, including attending a class specifically for loss of spouses. I have felt physical pain this month due to the separation of the team of us,"Pat N' Keisha". It has been brutal. BRUTAL.  

Grief Group for Kids-Niche Ministry

My cousin Jaz called and said, "The Kids told me they had FUN at grief therapy, and it threw me off.  I mean, I was glad but also confused at how fun and grief could go together!" This is when I knew, we had found something good, something safe. 

Shortly after everything happened, a community leader and friend of ours sent over information for grief counseling.  At that time, I wasn't prepared to set it up and was still feeling out our need.  After reaching out to several providers on the list, I realized that finding grief counseling and specifically counseling for kids was going to be a headache in itself. I would have to psych myself up just to dive in and make all of the calls, send all of the emails and subsequently endure the let downs of "So sorry, we're only doing video meetings in your area." After losing such a huge presence in our family, physically, spiritually and mentally, we knew that talking to a computer wasn't going to cut it.

Those first couple months were brutal, and the strugglebus is STILL parked out front. I knew that I needed to build in as much help as possible if we were to survive this blow.  After I completed the paperwork, Susan called me and notified me that there were openings for groups at the church less than five minutes from our home.  Thankful for God's favor, we scheduled to be there in attendance and on time. 

Finding Suncoast kids was a relieving and heartwarming experience.  The ministry is a part of a church in Lutz that mobilizes and sets up in Brandon to provide peer groups for kids.  When we walked in for the first time, we were welcomed with a palpable and somber "we get it, you're safe here."  Although I was super sad at the thought of a group of hurting kids, my heart was blessed to know that there were counselors, caregivers, and administrators living out their Godly purpose of pouring into children who are dealing with significant loss.  This is what we call ministering in the margins. Finding a unique group of people who may feel unseen or misunderstood and coordinating efforts around ministering to and encouraging them. 

 In our friend and family circle, my children are the only children they know without a dad. Even typing that is just excruciating. So, to know that they can go to a group of their peers who are also experiencing a similar loss is helpful. The program doesn't attempt to paint over their grief with fun activities and distractions, but it does provide a place for them to embrace the loss, work through it and learn coping skills to help.  It provides them a safe place to be uniquely cared for while giving them something to look forward to.  

When I first called Suncoast Kids for help, we were placed on a waiting list. A waiting list. I couldn’t even process the disappointment nor the fact that there was a waiting list of children in need of grief care. Everyone is a volunteer and no family is charged a fee for these services. They have groups for children from Kindergarten through High School.   I would love for them to be able to expand and offer play therapy for the little tinies. Watching and listening to my three year old as he processes through this loss is something that I have no words for. I do know that whenever I get over or through this rough patch,  I promised them that I would support them in any way possible for all that they've poured out into my family alone. 

• Max enjoys the projects, collages, and the new therapy Dog, Guiness.
• Kendall appreciates the commitment and compassion of the volunteers.
• Elijah enjoys meeting new friends and getting the grief out
• Joy & Avielle like story time, being able to talk about their person and snack time.
• At the end of the group session, they all light candles for the person they've lost. 

Get Involved — Suncoast Kids Place

Donate — Suncoast Kids Place

At Risk Kids | Bay Hope Church

Joy Riding a Pony at Bay Hope's Easter Extravaganza 

The Littles

 One of the trickiest situations to navigate is helping the littles. They don't comprehend the concept, but then again...I'm not sure I do either.  Their emotions are all over the place; at times they're angry, other times they're comforting and cuddly. One thing that makes it more difficult is that even at the ages of 18 months, 3 years, and nearly 6, they are all mature for their ages.  So, I never know what they're going to say, comprehend, or interpret.  Benji in particular, has been one who's taking it the hardest. It's been eighty-two nights since Daddy put him to sleep as he did almost every single night since he was born on 10/16. Patrick's birthday is 10/17- definitely bosom buddies.  

But today, Benji was excited about going to Wednesday Night Kids Worship at a local church.  He got to be in a class with his peers, worship, sing songs, play games, and even made a card for the sick and shut in.  I peeked in just in time to see him being the line leader! He was standing up straight and walking proud in his new shark shirt that he picked out.  For that moment, I was thankful.  He came home and then asked to see pictures of him and Dad at the playground.  Although some of the rest of us had another struggle day, the smile on his face made my heart happy.