Family Updates for October

    October was definitely filled to the brim with events, triggers, etc.   There seemed to be no let up and we were pushed to the limit for sure.  But it was also very different; we seemed to experience some new and unique waves of grief. It was weird.  Although I felt God sustaining us, I still felt a lot of pressure. I was so busy I didn’t get a chance to write much and honestly when I had a moment to write I started to just protest the purpose of writing.  

    If I’m honest with myself, that’s why I didn’t sit down and commit to blogging when I had the time. Usually blogging helps me to work through some big emotions but for the first time it wasn’t therapeutic. I thought of it as a daunting task reminding me every single moment of every single day that Patrick is not here, and he should be. "Why are we here? How is this really our life?" That’s just the plainest way I can put it: He should be here. 

So here are the updates:

Friend Therapy was huge this month. We realized even more how important it is for the kids to be around safe loving friends.  I am happy to say that they have a great group of friends near and far who check in on them and take all opportunities to get together for some fun. Also, some of our great family friends took the kids on solo dates and that's always an excellent treat!

Elijah's Basketball team won the championship for his division! That was a GREAT feeling, we were all so proud of him.  

Christian started his official job as a worship leader at our local church for the Preschool classes! He's always been a hit with the little ones, so it's been such a blessing for him to lead, heal, and have fun in this new role.

Kendall started volleyball and we found out she's got a mighty powerful serve! Volleyball is a total new sport for Kendall and our whole family, so we're proud of her bravery for diving into something new and awesome.

Joy got baptized this month! She had accepted Christ as her Savior last year and then her world was rocked. She has always talked about Jesus and understood spiritual things way above her age. We call her the little old lady. But she knows Jesus and loves Jesus and cries out to Him even in her pain. So, when our church started planning our 2nd annual baptism, she told me she would like to be a candidate. For us this was beautiful and crushing at the same time as she would be the first Wheeler baby that would not be baptized by her Dad. I'll write about this more later. 

Benji's 4th Birthday was ...it wasn't the best. Benji and Patrick's bond was special as both of them were the  baby brothers. Patrick was equally close to each of the three boys, but the bonds were uniquely beautiful. I think everyone around us started to feel heavy as Benji's birthday approached. Losing your dad when you're a toddler just feels so wrong.  But God was gracious and so was little Benjamin. As I walked him through the plaza with his balloons in tow and I cried the whole way to the van. He just walked peacefully alongside me. I thank God for my sister and all of the beautiful friends who answered my last-minute call to come and celebrate in a small way with my baby boy. I needed a do-over, but he had a good time and felt loved. 

Our first Christian Hip-Hop Concert was truly one of the highlights of this entire year! I will do a separate post about this, but it was a great way to celebrate the birthdays and the struggles this month. We also had a special guest to come along with us and we all danced, screamed and sang along. There was even a worship set in the middle and just seeing families of all ages and nationalities uniting under this awesome music honoring God was a treat that my heart needed! 

Avielle has made some major strides in her writing and storytelling and is enjoying classes and friends at our homeschool co-op. She's a part of a girl's group and they coordinate what they'll wear and look forward to dressing up!

Amira has been continuing to be a little light and she's now going in to play therapy by herself! watching her go in with a smile to enjoy her time with Mrs. Katherine has been beautiful growth. 

For Patrick's 40th Birthday, we did a hard thing.  There was no singing, there was no celebratory cake, there was no balloon release, there was no faking. Pat should be here so that we could celebrate him.  To get ahead of all of the milestone days I try to have something planned. This day the entire plan went left, but my sister joined in, and we all went to Clearwater beach for the first time since our loss. Our beach. The beach of so many memories.  We took our new babies to this beach; we had our anniversary trip and many birthdays at the resort.  So just going there, to the sand, overlooking the water after our loss...was big. so that was that. We survived it.  

Family Shake-Ups happened this month, with big changes to our routine and thus our healing process.  .My sister went away for a work trip and was gone for ten days!  I believe that’s the longest time we’ve been apart in at least three years.  So that definitely showed us some things. Not only did all of us miss eachother terribly, we rely on eachother to push through. I was proud of her though, because it was hard on her as well.   My brother-in-law was so gracious and took the boys for haircuts a hamburgers and me and the girls got to have some in-home spa time on #therapyThursday. 

Halloween (from instagram post)

He absolutely loved trick-or-treating with the kids. He would do it faithfully every single year. I know that in this “climate “ there’s a lot to be said about trick-or-treating but seeing this beautiful man walk his bright- eyed children up to neighbors’ doors and say , “Thank you &God bless” has probably touched the lives of more people than we will know.
Here is the messy part… I hate trick-or-treating. I hate candy. I usually line up a few trunk -or -treats for the kids for the experience but even that is like pulling teeth. But most of them are excited. Few of them are triggered. Some of them are both. So now it’s one of me and other people have plans and I’m stuck in the middle trying to wrap my mind around this baffling reality. Trying to figure out the best way to honor all of my kids during yet another traumatic first.

My sister and Bro-in-law came and scooped up 3-6 to take them trick or treating. And the oldest two bravely continued in the tradition started by their Dad and they did It together. Y’all didn’t stop checking on me…Thank y’all for praying. We made it . 

All Emptied Out

Waking up earlier than usual, dentist appointments, therapy sessions, meetings, meet-ups, etc.  all got overwhelming and I was tapped by the end of the week.  I actually had to stop and cancel my last meeting on Friday because I was just done.  I had no more go-go juice.  Coupled with the myriad of emotional highs, lows, triumphs, and trying moments-this week wore me out.  I was talking to one of the kids and they expressed a thought that I recently had myself "How do we keep doing this? How does it actually work?"  This referring to our abrupt, unwelcomed reality. So here are some revelations and realizations from the past seven days:

My Sleep

For the most part, I've been able to sleep better than I could have anticipated. Even in the beginning, with the right tea, essential oils and clearly much prayer from the village-sleep was had.  The mornings would try to choke me out, though.  As time has progressed, I've learned that sleep hasn't been a friend.  Most people say, "Get some sleep" or "Hope you rest well" and that's normal and I usually don't have a response.  But lately I'm learning that sleep can be both a friend and a foe. Yes, it closes the chapter on the day and allows me to put one more mark under the "Days I've Survived the Stupid", column. But no amount of sleep prepares me to face another day without my person. Our person.  It just reminds me that I am where I am. This is crazy; sleep isn't a friend at all. 

My Son

This week I watched Christian pour himself into leading adorable Kindergarteners in worship at Vacation Bible School. He couldn't sleep, he was so excited to wake up early each morning and go to his volunteer "job." He spoke with excitement about the kids' enthusiasm and dance moves. The songs spoke of God's design for us, and His creative nature.  As we walked through the parking lot at the end of each session, Christian would high- five the little ones on their way to the car.  This was his element.  I marveled at how God used my son, my  grieving son, to minister to others.  As the week waned, he was exhausted-physically and spiritually.  So my mommy-meter went off, and I took him aside and asked him about his Dad.  He needed that invitation to get some things out.  But for the rest of the weekend he was somber, particularly Sunday.   "At church they sing songs about God being all of these things, but He wasn't a healer. He did not heal him.  Everyone else is going home after church to hang out with their Dad, but not me." 

These beautiful children, deserve their Dad. 

The songs are still hard for us.

 My Soul

A few weeks ago, a song came to mind and even now I don't remember when or where I first heard it.  I sang it out loud to see if the kids remembered the rest of it.  The lyrics that did come to mind were "Awake , my soul, and sing; sing His praise aloud."  Kendall immediately and melodically chimed in and finished the song by Hillsong.  A few days later, she sent me a video of her singing the song and playing the chords.  Most of our close family knows that Kendall is the jack of all trades.  She can try something once and be instantly great at it. She can learn anything.  For whatever reason, she took that song and turned around and blessed me with it. I don't know what God is doing, I hear the messages that He is sending. Through my pain, anger, sorrow and disappointment, I still hear Him.

Today I went to church, and I sang. Even though I wasn't fully there, I knew what I was singing was true. I knew that the name of Jesus, my Jesus, Patrick's Jesus, could not be rivaled.

*I do not own rights to this beautiful music*

The Littles

 One of the trickiest situations to navigate is helping the littles. They don't comprehend the concept, but then again...I'm not sure I do either.  Their emotions are all over the place; at times they're angry, other times they're comforting and cuddly. One thing that makes it more difficult is that even at the ages of 18 months, 3 years, and nearly 6, they are all mature for their ages.  So, I never know what they're going to say, comprehend, or interpret.  Benji in particular, has been one who's taking it the hardest. It's been eighty-two nights since Daddy put him to sleep as he did almost every single night since he was born on 10/16. Patrick's birthday is 10/17- definitely bosom buddies.  

But today, Benji was excited about going to Wednesday Night Kids Worship at a local church.  He got to be in a class with his peers, worship, sing songs, play games, and even made a card for the sick and shut in.  I peeked in just in time to see him being the line leader! He was standing up straight and walking proud in his new shark shirt that he picked out.  For that moment, I was thankful.  He came home and then asked to see pictures of him and Dad at the playground.  Although some of the rest of us had another struggle day, the smile on his face made my heart happy. 

  

Here it goes, I'm starting

 Today is the day I'm starting. This won't be pretty, or witty but it will be raw and authentic. A while ago, the kids wanted to start a vlog or a youtube channel. And although we agreed that our family has a pretty interesting life, we wanted to live it instead of film it.  However, Patrick would always joke that mid filming I'd yell some outrageous threat at the kids, and we'd have to cut and start over. He was right.  Serving with Seven was his idea for a title, so this is our attempt.  Due to the outpouring of love, support, and prayers going up on our behalf, I felt that a blog may be a more efficient way of updating all of the beautiful people who think of us.  

I will try my best to update as often as I can, but it may or may not go in order.  Please feel free to share this link and thanks in advance for praying.

Yesterday, we had check ups for Avielle and Benjamin.  I woke up that morning feeling as “Struggly” as I did going to sleep the night before.  I try to make it a point to get out of the house by 10:30am for my mental health . So I got up, got everyone out of the house and headed to the doctor. When we got in the car, we cued up “Keys for Kids” our devotional.  We’ve done our very best to keep doing the things that we usually do including devotional, and nightly prayer, in spite of the fact that we are truly just….devastated.  We put on the devotional, and it was about how it feels when someone pays your debt, or takes your punishment. Specifically, in the event of Jesus Christ taking on our sins. It was a good one.  We pulled up to the doctor in record time. Usually when we would go to the doctor, we would all go in as a group no matter who was being seen.  To pass the time and to prepare for possible vaccinations, we would sing worship songs.  The staff had gotten used to it, and would sometimes stand and listen at the door and wait for us to finish before coming in.  After everything happened, we just didn’t have it in us. As I pulled up to the doctor, I looked back at the kids and said “I need you all to come in with me, I feel like we need to sing.” Max specifically looked at me like “No, not gonna do that.” I then told them, “I don’t want to do it either, I just feel like we have to. We must be who we are called to be. We have to minister to the people in the doctor’s office.” This was the Holy Spirit, nothing in me wants to sing songs. They all sound very different without Patrick, to be very honest. (Another Blog for another day)

Once we got there, I had already determined that I was going to forgo any shots because my heart was already hurting, and I couldn’t take any more crying babies. Medical things have been extremely touchy with me/us as of late.    After everyone got their vitals checked, I asked the kids to sing with me.  Again, most of them were reluctant. The tears started to flow as I explained to them, that I didn’t want to do it, but I felt that we needed to.  So Avielle chose to start singing “Your promise still stands, great is your faithfulness….” (Elevation Worship , Do it Again) I began to weep.  I sang that song to Patrick in the hospital, and God did not “Move the Mountain” as I pleaded.  All of the other kids joined in, Max being the loudest.  I joined when I could, and then cried some more.  I knew God was faithful, even though I was angry, shocked and sad.  After we sang, I felt God’s comfort and peace.  We got shots and labs drawn, with little tears.  The doctor came in and she’s been seeing us for 7 years, so I feel very comfortable and safe with her.  I let her know that it had been a rough morning, but that God was gracious. 

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