Our Finale Turned Four: The End of an Era

Benjamin started it off. Even at five years old, his heart is tender for his siblings and their grief.  He woke up yesterday morning, and he began to cry. "I don't want the baby to grow up, Mommy." It was so sweet, but also very sad.  That's how we all feel. This is the last Wheeler Baby. The Finale. Up until today, I had never had a four year old without another toddler in tow.  This is an end of an era, and I had no idea it was coming.  Many people were taken aback when they learned how many children we were parenting, but they soon fell in love with them all and understood the gift. 

These kids are so easy to love.  It's  painful to know that there is an ache that I cannot soothe for them. They miss and need their Dad.  Watching them grow, mature and develop without Patrick here feels...I can't quite explain it. What was meant to be the gift of a full quiver, now feels like a giant, heavy cross to bear. How can I keep them healed, whole, and happy by myself? This feels more like a punishment than  a privilege. 

I would cry a billion tears for Patrick, and that seems like it would be easier than trying to solo parent in his shadow.  I love these children. He loved these children. They are indeed the very best of Patrick and I.  But today a chapter ended, and I have no idea what the next one holds. Our last baby. The last of me and Patrick has turned four.  The finale is four. 

Family Updates for October

    October was definitely filled to the brim with events, triggers, etc.   There seemed to be no let up and we were pushed to the limit for sure.  But it was also very different; we seemed to experience some new and unique waves of grief. It was weird.  Although I felt God sustaining us, I still felt a lot of pressure. I was so busy I didn’t get a chance to write much and honestly when I had a moment to write I started to just protest the purpose of writing.  

    If I’m honest with myself, that’s why I didn’t sit down and commit to blogging when I had the time. Usually blogging helps me to work through some big emotions but for the first time it wasn’t therapeutic. I thought of it as a daunting task reminding me every single moment of every single day that Patrick is not here, and he should be. "Why are we here? How is this really our life?" That’s just the plainest way I can put it: He should be here. 

So here are the updates:

Friend Therapy was huge this month. We realized even more how important it is for the kids to be around safe loving friends.  I am happy to say that they have a great group of friends near and far who check in on them and take all opportunities to get together for some fun. Also, some of our great family friends took the kids on solo dates and that's always an excellent treat!

Elijah's Basketball team won the championship for his division! That was a GREAT feeling, we were all so proud of him.  

Christian started his official job as a worship leader at our local church for the Preschool classes! He's always been a hit with the little ones, so it's been such a blessing for him to lead, heal, and have fun in this new role.

Kendall started volleyball and we found out she's got a mighty powerful serve! Volleyball is a total new sport for Kendall and our whole family, so we're proud of her bravery for diving into something new and awesome.

Joy got baptized this month! She had accepted Christ as her Savior last year and then her world was rocked. She has always talked about Jesus and understood spiritual things way above her age. We call her the little old lady. But she knows Jesus and loves Jesus and cries out to Him even in her pain. So, when our church started planning our 2nd annual baptism, she told me she would like to be a candidate. For us this was beautiful and crushing at the same time as she would be the first Wheeler baby that would not be baptized by her Dad. I'll write about this more later. 

Benji's 4th Birthday was ...it wasn't the best. Benji and Patrick's bond was special as both of them were the  baby brothers. Patrick was equally close to each of the three boys, but the bonds were uniquely beautiful. I think everyone around us started to feel heavy as Benji's birthday approached. Losing your dad when you're a toddler just feels so wrong.  But God was gracious and so was little Benjamin. As I walked him through the plaza with his balloons in tow and I cried the whole way to the van. He just walked peacefully alongside me. I thank God for my sister and all of the beautiful friends who answered my last-minute call to come and celebrate in a small way with my baby boy. I needed a do-over, but he had a good time and felt loved. 

Our first Christian Hip-Hop Concert was truly one of the highlights of this entire year! I will do a separate post about this, but it was a great way to celebrate the birthdays and the struggles this month. We also had a special guest to come along with us and we all danced, screamed and sang along. There was even a worship set in the middle and just seeing families of all ages and nationalities uniting under this awesome music honoring God was a treat that my heart needed! 

Avielle has made some major strides in her writing and storytelling and is enjoying classes and friends at our homeschool co-op. She's a part of a girl's group and they coordinate what they'll wear and look forward to dressing up!

Amira has been continuing to be a little light and she's now going in to play therapy by herself! watching her go in with a smile to enjoy her time with Mrs. Katherine has been beautiful growth. 

For Patrick's 40th Birthday, we did a hard thing.  There was no singing, there was no celebratory cake, there was no balloon release, there was no faking. Pat should be here so that we could celebrate him.  To get ahead of all of the milestone days I try to have something planned. This day the entire plan went left, but my sister joined in, and we all went to Clearwater beach for the first time since our loss. Our beach. The beach of so many memories.  We took our new babies to this beach; we had our anniversary trip and many birthdays at the resort.  So just going there, to the sand, overlooking the water after our loss...was big. so that was that. We survived it.  

Family Shake-Ups happened this month, with big changes to our routine and thus our healing process.  .My sister went away for a work trip and was gone for ten days!  I believe that’s the longest time we’ve been apart in at least three years.  So that definitely showed us some things. Not only did all of us miss eachother terribly, we rely on eachother to push through. I was proud of her though, because it was hard on her as well.   My brother-in-law was so gracious and took the boys for haircuts a hamburgers and me and the girls got to have some in-home spa time on #therapyThursday. 

Halloween (from instagram post)

He absolutely loved trick-or-treating with the kids. He would do it faithfully every single year. I know that in this “climate “ there’s a lot to be said about trick-or-treating but seeing this beautiful man walk his bright- eyed children up to neighbors’ doors and say , “Thank you &God bless” has probably touched the lives of more people than we will know.
Here is the messy part… I hate trick-or-treating. I hate candy. I usually line up a few trunk -or -treats for the kids for the experience but even that is like pulling teeth. But most of them are excited. Few of them are triggered. Some of them are both. So now it’s one of me and other people have plans and I’m stuck in the middle trying to wrap my mind around this baffling reality. Trying to figure out the best way to honor all of my kids during yet another traumatic first.

My sister and Bro-in-law came and scooped up 3-6 to take them trick or treating. And the oldest two bravely continued in the tradition started by their Dad and they did It together. Y’all didn’t stop checking on me…Thank y’all for praying. We made it . 

Family Updates for September

September. September. September was a lot. It rolled in with another struggle holiday without our person and went out with us fleeing the path of Hurricane Ian. Parenting has been wearing me out. The days are getting harder. But I'm able to articulate clearer.  My kids' smiles have brought me joy, and their honesty is golden.  Alas, here are the highlights from September. 

Sharing Via Social Media

We started an Instagram account, @servingwith7.  I found that there were things that I wanted to share about our journey that I may not be able to devote a full blog post to. So far, it's been a great experience to give short updates and share wins. Thanks to everyone who follows us and cheers us on in this valley place. Due to some glitches with our blog subscription box, we also created a website, servingwith7.com. This provides a way to get the most updated blogs, a place to send your stories, and ways to help our family. I'm one of the least tech savvy people I know, but the templates made it easy.

One-on-Ones

Some beautiful friends and grandparents on loan took the kids on more one-on-one dates this month.  It really helped to have the littles entertained and out of the house to enjoy breakfast, the park, and story time at the library. Our community really is everything. We are so grateful. 

Biscuits N' Grace

We also had an amazing time at what Benji has dubbed Biscuits n' Grace. Some special friends hosted us for breakfast and a dance party, and it was so therapeutic. 

Church & Outreach

The kids had Invite Night at the local church, and I was truly in awe as they got excited and prepared to share the gospel with friends they'd invited to the festivities. They have all enjoyed the lessons and learning alongside their friends. In a time where "faith is fragile", they show up and God meets them there. 

This month, I watched the kids do something extremely brave.  We were invited to a Life Group (Adult Sunday School) at the local church to share about Kid's Grief Group and how it's been helpful in our healing process. These kids, The Lord's kids, were so composed and articulate as they shared their struggles and lessons learned about grief. We are grateful to Mr. Shook for the invite, and it was good to look into the eyes of prayer warriors who have been committed to lifting us up in this struggle season. I will post more about this later.

Therapy & Activities

The kids are still doing well in karate, basketball, and boxing.  Therapy has been a great outlet and I'm grateful for our team. We will be slowing down this fall and trying a few new things and will keep everyone posted. I realized that I was running too hard and in the words of Paul the Apostle, although all things may be permissible, not all of them are beneficial.  

Hurricane Drama

Hurricane Ian came through at the end of the month brining some unnecessary angst and anxiety. Some amazing friends encouraged us to evacuate with them to Orlando and then the storm followed us there. Thankfully, the kids slept peacefully through it and got to enjoy fun times with friends as we weathered the storm together. We made it back home safely, with no damage and our power had been restored. Thanks to all of the prayer warriors who flooded our phone with prayers and offers to help.

The Momma 

This past month for me was, it wasn't kind. Even as I type this, I'm just hoping that someone will be blessed in some small way by us sharing what we're reluctantly having to walk though.  But I did two brave things.  First, I was invited to guest blog for Lost Poet Press; the publishing company that brought Patrick's devotional to life. I felt honored to be able to share a word of encouragement, and it felt good to hear from God who gave me the story and words to share. And secondly, I was able to share our testimony and story for National Life Insurance month for a podcast that was bringing awareness to the importance of having coverage for your loved ones.  As the date approached to record the podcast, I wondered if I was ready to share but the host was gracious. I told her that I didn't want to focus on our loss, I wanted to focus on our story and encourage people to have the hard talks.  One thing I've learned is that helping people makes me feel normal. It makes me feel like my old self, when my world was whole. 

Therapy: 9 Month Update

Today it's been nine months since our loss.  When I woke up it was dreary outside, and I already knew what I was up against. But the boys had back-to-back basketball games, so I knew that we had to get up and out.  I was fussing, the house was a mess, but we had to go.  We got to the Y and met a sister who was taking the girls on a breakfast date, and of course my sister showed up with smiles & snacks to cheer on her nephews. After the game, we had small meltdown but got in the car to head home to clean and prepare to do some kind of activity to look forward to. That's been a staple and truly a lifeline for us. However, it started storming. So here I am, blogging with a sleeping baby girl in my arms. 

Someone asked me how things were going with counseling and as I've said before, "No one has come out of an office telling us that this was all a dream, and we can wake up now. So, I guess it's going just okay." The truth is, in one twenty-four-hour period, my kids had kid's grief support group, a one-on-one therapy session, karate, and still came home had a full-blown meltdown; which caused a domino effect.  I grabbed the kids, put them in the car and drove to the nearest safe-house. Our friends asked no questions, took the kids in, shared their grandparents, gave hugs, baked cookies, and I picked them back up and we went home for prayer and bed. Sometimes, that's how our day looks.  Here is an overall glimpse at the grief supports we have in place.

Counseling

At the moment, all of us are receiving counseling on a weekly or biweekly basis with the exception of Christian and Kendall.  Elijah sees a new male therapist who has had some similar experiences and is doing well.  My sister and I are with the same group of Christian therapists we've seen since December, specifically Catrina.  I have even had the opportunity to bring in some friends into a session as we all cried and attempted to process this craziness. Avielle, Joy, Benjamin and Amira enjoy their time in play/art therapy with Katherine. She is very in tuned with our family, our story, and has been a great support to us all.  The office is so welcoming and comfortable.  The older kids who are waiting are able to do schoolwork in the lobby, and her office is spacious and  has a hammock that all of the kids love.   

Grief Group

Thankfully, Suncoast Kids started back up and we missed the leaders and some of our friends from the last session. Sadly, seeing all of those new faces who had recently gone through similar losses sent a few of us home with aching hearts.  No one wants to be here, in this space.  Max said it best, "I hated to see them because I knew that they didn't know that it was getting ready to hurt a lot worse. " But each of us agreed, that we would make it a point to be someone for the new families to lean on. 

ExtraCurriculars

The kids are still involved in karate, basketball, sports discovery, boxing fitness, and piano.  Recently we joined a homeschool co-op where the kids take three subjects with their peers and that's been an excellent source of support, fellowship, and accountability for all of us. 

Children/Youth Ministry

One of the things that I'm most grateful for, is the Children/Youth Programming at our local church.  When this happened to us, I would have not been surprised if the kids wanted to take a step back from faith related activities. But they did not; they leaned in.  They love seeing friends, hearing the stories, studying the bible and playing games.  Although, sometimes they have come home with more questions or stories about how they were trigged by Jesus healing someone in the bible and not their dad. I get it.  But I'm glad that they keep talking and keep leaning on God. He's the only one who can fix this. 

One-on-Ones

One of my favorites has been One-on-ones. I got a chance to get with my sister and just enjoy coffee at the local cafe.  Just seeing her face, and giving her hugs is so very helpful for us both.  In addition to that, she and my brother-in-law have taken some of the kids off just for solo time. It's something that I wish I could do more, but it's complicated. I've had friends come to take the kiddos for lunch, shopping, fishing, breakfast, golf, etc.  Having my family, and our faith family come through to treat our kids to some special solo time has been one of the most effective helps during this season. 

Friend Therapy

I zoomed a friend and cried. That was the whole call.

My kids walked into their friends' houses and got hugs from them, their parents, and even grandparents. I picked them up with smiles on their faces. Elijah sent me an email while he was there saying "I'm sorry I was acting out." I replied, "I'm sorry that you even have to go through this." 

Friends send me scripture and prayers, and check-in throughout the day to make sure we don't feel alone. 

One of the most effective types of therapy has been "Friend therapy." Seeing our friends, our people, who love us and loved Patrick well-is the most beneficial of all things.