All Emptied Out

Waking up earlier than usual, dentist appointments, therapy sessions, meetings, meet-ups, etc.  all got overwhelming and I was tapped by the end of the week.  I actually had to stop and cancel my last meeting on Friday because I was just done.  I had no more go-go juice.  Coupled with the myriad of emotional highs, lows, triumphs, and trying moments-this week wore me out.  I was talking to one of the kids and they expressed a thought that I recently had myself "How do we keep doing this? How does it actually work?"  This referring to our abrupt, unwelcomed reality. So here are some revelations and realizations from the past seven days:

My Sleep

For the most part, I've been able to sleep better than I could have anticipated. Even in the beginning, with the right tea, essential oils and clearly much prayer from the village-sleep was had.  The mornings would try to choke me out, though.  As time has progressed, I've learned that sleep hasn't been a friend.  Most people say, "Get some sleep" or "Hope you rest well" and that's normal and I usually don't have a response.  But lately I'm learning that sleep can be both a friend and a foe. Yes, it closes the chapter on the day and allows me to put one more mark under the "Days I've Survived the Stupid", column. But no amount of sleep prepares me to face another day without my person. Our person.  It just reminds me that I am where I am. This is crazy; sleep isn't a friend at all. 

My Son

This week I watched Christian pour himself into leading adorable Kindergarteners in worship at Vacation Bible School. He couldn't sleep, he was so excited to wake up early each morning and go to his volunteer "job." He spoke with excitement about the kids' enthusiasm and dance moves. The songs spoke of God's design for us, and His creative nature.  As we walked through the parking lot at the end of each session, Christian would high- five the little ones on their way to the car.  This was his element.  I marveled at how God used my son, my  grieving son, to minister to others.  As the week waned, he was exhausted-physically and spiritually.  So my mommy-meter went off, and I took him aside and asked him about his Dad.  He needed that invitation to get some things out.  But for the rest of the weekend he was somber, particularly Sunday.   "At church they sing songs about God being all of these things, but He wasn't a healer. He did not heal him.  Everyone else is going home after church to hang out with their Dad, but not me." 

These beautiful children, deserve their Dad. 

The songs are still hard for us.

 My Soul

A few weeks ago, a song came to mind and even now I don't remember when or where I first heard it.  I sang it out loud to see if the kids remembered the rest of it.  The lyrics that did come to mind were "Awake , my soul, and sing; sing His praise aloud."  Kendall immediately and melodically chimed in and finished the song by Hillsong.  A few days later, she sent me a video of her singing the song and playing the chords.  Most of our close family knows that Kendall is the jack of all trades.  She can try something once and be instantly great at it. She can learn anything.  For whatever reason, she took that song and turned around and blessed me with it. I don't know what God is doing, I hear the messages that He is sending. Through my pain, anger, sorrow and disappointment, I still hear Him.

Today I went to church, and I sang. Even though I wasn't fully there, I knew what I was singing was true. I knew that the name of Jesus, my Jesus, Patrick's Jesus, could not be rivaled.

*I do not own rights to this beautiful music*