Our Finale Turned Four: The End of an Era

Benjamin started it off. Even at five years old, his heart is tender for his siblings and their grief.  He woke up yesterday morning, and he began to cry. "I don't want the baby to grow up, Mommy." It was so sweet, but also very sad.  That's how we all feel. This is the last Wheeler Baby. The Finale. Up until today, I had never had a four year old without another toddler in tow.  This is an end of an era, and I had no idea it was coming.  Many people were taken aback when they learned how many children we were parenting, but they soon fell in love with them all and understood the gift. 

These kids are so easy to love.  It's  painful to know that there is an ache that I cannot soothe for them. They miss and need their Dad.  Watching them grow, mature and develop without Patrick here feels...I can't quite explain it. What was meant to be the gift of a full quiver, now feels like a giant, heavy cross to bear. How can I keep them healed, whole, and happy by myself? This feels more like a punishment than  a privilege. 

I would cry a billion tears for Patrick, and that seems like it would be easier than trying to solo parent in his shadow.  I love these children. He loved these children. They are indeed the very best of Patrick and I.  But today a chapter ended, and I have no idea what the next one holds. Our last baby. The last of me and Patrick has turned four.  The finale is four. 

Trigger Date Clusters *Special Prayer Requests*

 

As you can see, we’re in Trigger Cluster #2 of this year. No breaks. All days leading up to and between each holiday or special date seem agonizing 😭. So many babies, so many birthdays, so many tears. It’s not only that the kids long for their father to be here. But the siblings…they feel it. And we all feel helpless because no amount of fun can make up for the gaping hole. The genuine joy and excitement from their Dad on their birthdays is something that simply cannot be replicated. Dates are hard. The best thing that I have found, is to create opportunities to look forward to on the special days. Get out of the house! That takes the edge off. It’s possible that in the future these days will feel less dreadful…that’s what I hear. But idk. Only God knows.

Family Updates for October

    October was definitely filled to the brim with events, triggers, etc.   There seemed to be no let up and we were pushed to the limit for sure.  But it was also very different; we seemed to experience some new and unique waves of grief. It was weird.  Although I felt God sustaining us, I still felt a lot of pressure. I was so busy I didn’t get a chance to write much and honestly when I had a moment to write I started to just protest the purpose of writing.  

    If I’m honest with myself, that’s why I didn’t sit down and commit to blogging when I had the time. Usually blogging helps me to work through some big emotions but for the first time it wasn’t therapeutic. I thought of it as a daunting task reminding me every single moment of every single day that Patrick is not here, and he should be. "Why are we here? How is this really our life?" That’s just the plainest way I can put it: He should be here. 

So here are the updates:

Friend Therapy was huge this month. We realized even more how important it is for the kids to be around safe loving friends.  I am happy to say that they have a great group of friends near and far who check in on them and take all opportunities to get together for some fun. Also, some of our great family friends took the kids on solo dates and that's always an excellent treat!

Elijah's Basketball team won the championship for his division! That was a GREAT feeling, we were all so proud of him.  

Christian started his official job as a worship leader at our local church for the Preschool classes! He's always been a hit with the little ones, so it's been such a blessing for him to lead, heal, and have fun in this new role.

Kendall started volleyball and we found out she's got a mighty powerful serve! Volleyball is a total new sport for Kendall and our whole family, so we're proud of her bravery for diving into something new and awesome.

Joy got baptized this month! She had accepted Christ as her Savior last year and then her world was rocked. She has always talked about Jesus and understood spiritual things way above her age. We call her the little old lady. But she knows Jesus and loves Jesus and cries out to Him even in her pain. So, when our church started planning our 2nd annual baptism, she told me she would like to be a candidate. For us this was beautiful and crushing at the same time as she would be the first Wheeler baby that would not be baptized by her Dad. I'll write about this more later. 

Benji's 4th Birthday was ...it wasn't the best. Benji and Patrick's bond was special as both of them were the  baby brothers. Patrick was equally close to each of the three boys, but the bonds were uniquely beautiful. I think everyone around us started to feel heavy as Benji's birthday approached. Losing your dad when you're a toddler just feels so wrong.  But God was gracious and so was little Benjamin. As I walked him through the plaza with his balloons in tow and I cried the whole way to the van. He just walked peacefully alongside me. I thank God for my sister and all of the beautiful friends who answered my last-minute call to come and celebrate in a small way with my baby boy. I needed a do-over, but he had a good time and felt loved. 

Our first Christian Hip-Hop Concert was truly one of the highlights of this entire year! I will do a separate post about this, but it was a great way to celebrate the birthdays and the struggles this month. We also had a special guest to come along with us and we all danced, screamed and sang along. There was even a worship set in the middle and just seeing families of all ages and nationalities uniting under this awesome music honoring God was a treat that my heart needed! 

Avielle has made some major strides in her writing and storytelling and is enjoying classes and friends at our homeschool co-op. She's a part of a girl's group and they coordinate what they'll wear and look forward to dressing up!

Amira has been continuing to be a little light and she's now going in to play therapy by herself! watching her go in with a smile to enjoy her time with Mrs. Katherine has been beautiful growth. 

For Patrick's 40th Birthday, we did a hard thing.  There was no singing, there was no celebratory cake, there was no balloon release, there was no faking. Pat should be here so that we could celebrate him.  To get ahead of all of the milestone days I try to have something planned. This day the entire plan went left, but my sister joined in, and we all went to Clearwater beach for the first time since our loss. Our beach. The beach of so many memories.  We took our new babies to this beach; we had our anniversary trip and many birthdays at the resort.  So just going there, to the sand, overlooking the water after our loss...was big. so that was that. We survived it.  

Family Shake-Ups happened this month, with big changes to our routine and thus our healing process.  .My sister went away for a work trip and was gone for ten days!  I believe that’s the longest time we’ve been apart in at least three years.  So that definitely showed us some things. Not only did all of us miss eachother terribly, we rely on eachother to push through. I was proud of her though, because it was hard on her as well.   My brother-in-law was so gracious and took the boys for haircuts a hamburgers and me and the girls got to have some in-home spa time on #therapyThursday. 

Halloween (from instagram post)

He absolutely loved trick-or-treating with the kids. He would do it faithfully every single year. I know that in this “climate “ there’s a lot to be said about trick-or-treating but seeing this beautiful man walk his bright- eyed children up to neighbors’ doors and say , “Thank you &God bless” has probably touched the lives of more people than we will know.
Here is the messy part… I hate trick-or-treating. I hate candy. I usually line up a few trunk -or -treats for the kids for the experience but even that is like pulling teeth. But most of them are excited. Few of them are triggered. Some of them are both. So now it’s one of me and other people have plans and I’m stuck in the middle trying to wrap my mind around this baffling reality. Trying to figure out the best way to honor all of my kids during yet another traumatic first.

My sister and Bro-in-law came and scooped up 3-6 to take them trick or treating. And the oldest two bravely continued in the tradition started by their Dad and they did It together. Y’all didn’t stop checking on me…Thank y’all for praying. We made it . 

39: Getting Ahead of Pat's Birthday(edited)

I remember it clearly. I was sitting alone downstairs on our gray sofa one night, getting ready to head up to bed. As the YouTube video I was watching ended, the "watch next" suggestion was a preview of  a newsstory: "Chadwick Boseman Dead at age 43." I froze. I was stunned. My eyes were glued to the thumbnail. I didn't want to press play. I couldn't understand what I was reading. I didn't know Mr. Boseman, but like most of us I was a fan.  I appreciated his acting skills and his remarkable ability to bring to life one of my family's favorite superheroes, Black Panther.  Watching him on screen, full of life and vibrance and now gone at thirty-nine years old was unsettling to say the least. 

    Patrick was usually pretty chill about his birthday.  The only time it became a really big deal was in 2018 when we hoped that Benjamin would be born on his birthday but instead, he was born the day before.  On October 17, 2021, less than two months before his passing, Patrick turned 39. Thirty-nine isn't really an eventful age. Perhaps some may celebrate it as the last year of their thirties. But I can't imagine that anyone would think of it as their last year of life on this earth.

     I remember sensing that Patrick needed some encouragement. So, I reached out to some friends and family and asked them to send messages so that I could print them out and present Patrick with a box full of blessings & uplifting notes.  I noticed that as he opened each of them, he smiled.  Reading how much he meant to so many was good for his soul. " Ironically, several weeks later I would be creating another box of blessings for us, his bereaved family, full of notes of encouragement and stories of appreciation for his life.

Yesterday, we all sat down as a family and watched the new trailer for Black Panther 2. When it was over, we all cheered.  Patrick was a huge marvel fan, and the Black Panther movies took it to a new level! As we sat there processing all of the possibilities of the sequel's plot, we realized how hard this must have been for the cast since Chadwick is no longer with us.  So, the tears they cried on screen, were probably real and their hearts must have been heavy as they walked out this reality in real life and in the storyline.  Patrick is not here to enjoy this movie with us.  We can all hear his cheers and excitement in our heads.  His passion and enthusiasm for things came from pure places of appreciation.  Just watching his over-the-top reaction to things was a thrill in itself.  I miss his reactions; We all do. 

I didn't think age thirty-nine would be this significant; Patrick's last year on this side, and my first year as a widow. There, I typed it. I still can't believe it. 

*The Kids named our Black Van "Tchalla" and would do this Wakanda tribute as they entered*

The Unanswerable Question Part 2: "How y'all doing?"

Today I figured I'd answer this question by giving a glimpse into our day. Today is Thursday, August 25, 2022 and here's how it went.

Mornings-Are still hard, and lately they've been getting worse. For a split second today, my eyes opened and I thought, "Okay, I'm okay. Okay enough to function." But within about five minutes, I'm back to, "How can I do this again. I can't get up, I won't."  I looked over and realized that Benjamin had slept through the night in the twin bed in our room for the second night in a row: Definitely counting that win.  As I've mentioned before, I try to schedule everything I can in the morning in an effort to get up and moving. Every Thursday for the majority of this year, I get up and take the littles to play/art therapy. Amira, Benjamin, Joy and Avielle rotate, so we're there for at least an hour and a half.  I knew I had to get up. When I got up, around nine, all of the kids were still sleeping. I yelled for them to get up and get moving so that we could go to Mrs. Katherine's.  With the exception of Kendall, who was headed for a morning at the mall with Mrs. Marcie, everyone got ready to pile into the van. Except for Elijah.  I asked everyone where he was and yelled for him several times.  This week, most of this month honestly, he's been very slow to come downstairs and start his day.  My guess is that he's been dreading his upcoming birthday. I'll post about this later in detail.

Usually I just yell upstairs, but this morning I wasn't having it. So, I charged upstairs to get him myself. When I got up to his room, he was just standing there. I asked him what he was doing, and he quickly looked over and grabbed the cologne and said, "I'm getting ready, putting on cologne." I know my son. My momma-sense went off and I looked at him in the eyes. I told him that I would do just about anything to fix this situation. I told him that it was unfair, and I knew he was angry.  I let him know that he was a great son and deserved his Dad. As we hugged, he held me so tightly while I cried. We were late for counseling.

Counseling went well in the sense that everyone enjoyed talking to the therapist and for the first time ever, Amira stayed with her and allowed me to leave the room to set the other kids up on their schoolwork in the lobby. Because we do schoolwork in the lobby of the therapist office, because that's our life.  At one point, Elijah was struggling with a math problem. He was using online scratch paper and it wasn't working out. So, I broke out my eyeliner pencil, and helped him write out the problem. He ended up with a 91% on the assignment, Max scored 100%. They are excellent at math, but I told them both that I was simply proud of them for pushing through. 

After counseling I visited the Chicago food truck since I was on that side of town to grab pizza puffs for lunch. I got there, ordered and began weeping. The last time I was there, Boyz II Men was playing on their radio. I cried then, too.  I stood there bawling and Joy asked, "Mom why are you crying, what happened?" I replied, "for the next ten years at least, I'll only be crying for Daddy."  All of the kids surrounded and hugged me through it. We only broke up the group hugfest when another patron walked up and said, "Ma'am I'm so sorry, excuse me but I can't get out."  Apparently, I had created a parking space and was blocking all of the other customers in.  We made it home, met Kendall and took a second to exhale from a long morning. 

The kids finally went down for a nap...at 4:15pm, Benji had to be at the YMCA for his sports discovery program at 5:15pm. I had to sit and make a decision whether to let them nap or risk the fallout of disappointment if he woke up and had missed his soccer session. This may seem small but trying to be a good mom, navigate fallouts, on top of vacillating between functionality and soul-crushing disbelief at any given moment is just...I have no words.

After all of this, I take the kids to one Y for Benji, and then back to another Y for Elijah's basketball practice. It's raining, Joy's crying, Avielle is withdrawn and sad, we haven't had dinner and it's 6:20pm, and my phone is dead. Thankfully, my sister and Leon remembered that I said I needed their help, so they met me at the Y and were able to stay with Elijah while I took the other kids home to eat dinner. 

My bed is full of clean laundry, but my kids don't have any motivation to put it away. I don't have enough hands or ears. "What does it matter? Who cares what we wear? Who cares where we go? What's the point of it all?" Some days are like this, and I can't even blame them. We ended the night watching a video of Patrick baptizing Elijah and Avielle last year. I don't know how tomorrow will look, but I want to thank you all, my village near and far, for every single prayer and caring deed. 

Elijah's Bday : Chicago 2019

Family Updates for July

Lord Jesus, July!

I'm not saying that in vain! I truly mean it. July came in, knocked all the trinkets off of the shelf of general store and ran out the back door with HASTE! This summer was a lot, almost in an overwhelming way. With health drama, extracurriculars, birthdays, milestones and celebrations I feel like I braced myself accordingly. There is a lot to share, so I will only post brief highlights. I hope to blog more in August as follow-ups to some things I'm sharing below. 

The Firsts

For the first time since I can remember, Benji woke up and shouted, "I had a good dream mommy!"  He went on to tell me that in the dream, he was a power ranger.  This started my day off with a praise.  God knows, and so do many of you, how Benji has been having nightmares and night terrors every single night since the passing of his Dad. Mornings are awful for me, but I will never forget that morning as it was an answer to prayer.

One night as we all sat down for nighttime prayer, Max asked God to help him and the basketball team to do well. I heard him carefully crafting his words to make sure that he was shielding himself from any disappointment of an unanswered prayer. (A post for later). Although Max, Elijah and their team lost the game, Max shot the ball! In previous games, he hadn't taken a single shot out of fear of not making it. When he came home from the game he said, "Mom, I overcame my fear of taking shots. I took some and made them! God showed up for me." 

Another Holiday

There was no way to prepare for the fourth.  As the month of July rolled in, I once again began to feel the loss of Patrick in a physical way. None of the busyness could pad me from it, and I didn't expect it to.  I'm thankful for my sister and our friends the Thomases for stepping in and taking the kids as I felt like my feet were in mud the entire day.  We had just bought Patrick his first brand new grill last August after we sold our home and moved here. As it sat unused on a day that our family looked forward to enjoying being together and tasting his award-winning barbecue, the feeling was gut-wrenching.  The ram in the bush came in the form of our beautiful neighbors.  On our way home, the kids were finishing up a debate on whether we could do fireworks or not. Just as we turned onto our street, our neighbors flagged us down and insisted that we come back for food and fireworks.  That took a huge burden off of me and it was a beautiful time for myself and those of my kids who could bear it.

Birthdays

Our "bookends" as Patrick would call them, the youngest and oldest, had birthdays this month. Both were milestones in my opinion. Amira turned two and Kendall turned fourteen. In anticipation of both of those days and on heels of Fourth of July, I was not okay. His absence felt so heavy, so wrong, and so unreal. On a bright note, beautiful friends and families made the girls feel special. We had special friends who were visiting from Tennessee and Kosovo and were able to come by and celebrate with us. God was near.

Fun Things

Avielle and Elijah had an excellent time at the week-long worship camp at a local church. They are two of the most reserved of the kids and to see them on stage, memorizing all of the moves and lyrics as they performed a musical about Jonah was very refreshing for all of us.  For the rest of the month, we had playdates, gymnastics, basketball games, karate and anything else indoors that we could do. We even got a chance to do horseback riding for the first time, in honor of Kendall's birthday. 

Fishers of Men Ceremony & Award

Shortly after Patrick's heavenly promotion, a local charitable organization dear to our hearts came to me with an idea to honor his legacy and commitment to the community. Although I wasn't ready at that time, they patiently waited and we were able to have the ceremony on the 16th.   A young man was honored with the Fisher's of Men award, a college friend and brother in ministry came to speak, and we were surrounded with friends, family, and the entire village. It was truly a beautiful and humbling honor.

Church 3 Year Anniversary

This was tough.  About five years ago, God gave Patrick and I a vision for a church; really, an outreach ministry.  We watched and were obedient as he arranged and ordained all of the pieces to come to fruition in the summer of 2019.  Our entire family hasn't been back to the church for months, it's been too hard.  But on the 24th, we all came together to honor what God had done and is still doing. The service was wonderful, intimate, honorable and we made it through. I'll share more on this later.

Hard Things

Parenting was hard this month. Solo parenting through loss and disappointment is grueling. It was all hard this month.  I had to re-sign a lease, buy new tires, hire a plumber and a couple of other things that I was fully capable of doing, but wished I didn't have to. Things that I wouldn't be doing in my old normal life, the one where my "husbae" was by my side.  I found myself angry this month and just missing our partnership. Life is a lot, and we were better together.  I also pushed myself to go out on a notary assignment and that was a good change of pace for me and I'm looking forward to continuing to do more.  

Immeasurable Kindness

At the end of this month, I received a certified letter from Hillsboro Memorial Gardens. My heart sank, and people close to me know how much I hate dealing with "final things".  The letter was a paid in full certificate, showing that a couple of exceptional people had anonymously taken care of the "decoration" for Patrick's Memorial.   It was only an act of God that carried me through making the customary arrangements for the "Heaven Party" as the kids called it. I later realized that I didn't know how or even where to notify others of the location of his memorial.  So, to have someone think so much of our family and our person, to take care of this...we are watching God carry us. 

The Bittersweet-ness of Wins: Surviving Birthday #2

Yesterday, we survived another birthday and major holiday inside our new reality. The entire day, I was completely off. I felt like I was moving in slow motion... Like my feet were stuck.  My aunt texted to check on us that morning and I remember replying "Today hurts."  In spite of how I was feeling, I was happy to see that Joy was excited about celebrating her day. There were some beautiful moments on yesterday and I counted the many blessings.  It's because of those blessings and the obedience of God‘s people that we were able to persist and ultimately sustain the blows that came after the celebration.

So here's the sweet:

• Some good friends in ministry hosted and served us for a special birthday breakfast in Joy's honor. It was humbling and a great start to the day. We all felt so loved. 
• My Sister showed up with hugs and decorations in tow to make Joy's Day Special
• Another friend found a space in her day to have coffee in the car with me & catch up
• Some of our favorite family came into town and we shared laughs, hugs, and celebrated Joy
• Kind friends stopped by, called, emailed and video-messaged birthday wishes and sent awesome gifts for Joy
• Awesome friends stopped by and prepared a homemade taco bar for our family to enjoy for Joy's Special Birthday Dinner & hung a cool tree swing that the kids can't wait to use

Here's the bitter:

After all of the beautiful things that happened yesterday, and we experienced gobs of God's grace, my birthday girl  screamed and cried herself to sleep. She wanted her Daddy. Even the good things remind us that something, someone is missing.  My fourth child had a raw, gut-wrenching hour of grief with a hurt in her heart that I couldn't soothe. Questions that I couldn't answer.  My third child struggled to find enough peace to even fall asleep. Thankfully, God sent a song and a scripture for me to share. It didn't take away their pain, nor mine. But,  I did what I knew to do.   My baby boy sat through wailing from his sisters which in turn caused him to toss and turn in his sleep in addition to the night terrors he's been having.  The baby would cry when l put her down and wanted to sleep in my arms.  Thankfully the other kiddos were able to get some rest after all of the chaos, but  I wonder what enduring something like that does to their little hearts..  I have no doubt that they have the supernatural favor of God on their lives and that he will bring them through this and somehow use it for his glory but this utterly sucks. My constant prayer for them is "God, preserve and prosper their faith. You're the only One who can."

ReplyForward