It's been almost two years....

    It’s been almost two years, and Patrick still has not come home. I type that at the risk of sounding crazy, but to be honest I’m not crazy. This situation is crazy. Having 14 kids' birthdays without Patrick is crazy. Solo parenting seven grieving children all while I am trying to navigate what just happened to my life… That’s crazy. Still being able to provide emotional support, do outreach, and create a foundation for the bereaved while grieving...that's crazy.

    In the first few weeks of losing Patrick, someone who was probably well-meaning yet ill-informed, said to me, "God is going to use this." That infuriated me on 100 different levels! As someone who has been used the majority of my life by God, this didn't seem like the logical next move. Over years ago, God burst into my "independent woman" plans, united me with Patrick, and allowed us to create a small army of disciples.  I think I can safely say that the death of Patrick wasn't necessary in order for God to use us. We were being used just fine and frequently. The very same God that created something from dust, with His very words... The God that can grow an entire human in the womb of a mother for nine months... That kind of creative God did not have to take my husband and these kids' father in order for us to be used. But I digress. 

    During this time, I have seen exactly how much it takes to keep it moving. I watch my children continuously make the choice to wake up each morning and stare the day in the face. I look on as they take one step toward the light; onne step toward peace and joy, in the midst of extreme confusion.  I have seen their talents and personalities develop. I have seen a resilience in them that I didn’t think was possible. I have seen the love and guidance of their earthly father show up in them in a myriad of ways. Yet I’ve also heard screams from their little bodies that I could’ve gone my whole life without hearing. I’ve seen them be disappointed at people who truly should’ve showed up for us. I have seen the toiling of their little minds as they process never seeing Daddy again. I’ve seen them break into a full-blown panic at the slightest scare. This kind of out- of- order loss makes everything that you are sure of feel like quicksand.  Amazingly, I’ve seen my children be kept by God in a way that can only be the result of His sovereignty. I’ve heard joy in their hearts as they sing songs of praise. I’ve heard the pain in their lyrics as they screamed the words to songs that no longer seem like they fit life as we know it.  I’ve witnessed true joy as they experience a new adventure.  

    In the past two years, we've learned exactly what it feels like to be "in the margins" even more than we did before. And the lack of support and compassion for grieving families has been one of the saddest realities on this road. Wearily, we press on and continue to be who God has made us. If you are new to our blog, we thank you for taking the time to read this. We really want to shed light on how absolutely awful the moment-to-moment grief impacts us. It’s been two years, but it didn’t get better. Our village has been absolutely everything!  It takes so many mental and physical resources to keep it moving. So much compassion and flexibility are required to continue to raise these children in the light of the Lord: To keep them pressing on in purpose.  So, if you have been one of the people that we knew would be there for us, we thank you and appreciate you for doubling down and showing your love for Patrick by loving his family.  But, if you happen to be one of those that walked away in our darkest time, I respectfully ask that you keep walking. There were a bunch of little losses that follow Patrick’s passing, and although they were not as substantial, it still stung. We still noticed. Alas, God provides.

Trigger Date Clusters *Special Prayer Requests*

 

As you can see, we’re in Trigger Cluster #2 of this year. No breaks. All days leading up to and between each holiday or special date seem agonizing 😭. So many babies, so many birthdays, so many tears. It’s not only that the kids long for their father to be here. But the siblings…they feel it. And we all feel helpless because no amount of fun can make up for the gaping hole. The genuine joy and excitement from their Dad on their birthdays is something that simply cannot be replicated. Dates are hard. The best thing that I have found, is to create opportunities to look forward to on the special days. Get out of the house! That takes the edge off. It’s possible that in the future these days will feel less dreadful…that’s what I hear. But idk. Only God knows.

Still Can't Believe it: 1 Year Update

 "Alright, we did it. We got through it. We get the point. Patrick can come home anytime now."

    It still feels like a cruel prank. This can't be permanent. The world needs light. Patrick was the God-given light for so many.  So this just doesn't feel right. Our life verse, as a couple and as a family is Romans 8:28. I know that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and who are called according to His purpose. We are called, we are purposed, God is the definition of good: but this SUCKS. 

    The week leading up to the anniversary date, the schedules were maxed out! We volunteered, had friend therapy, games/practices, and spent time just existing and loving one another. New traditions, old ones- all comingled as we approached the one year mark that seemed to come rather too quickly.  As a self-proclaimed nerd, I've read many books, blogs and articles about grief and the majority of them focus on the first anniversary of the loss.  But to me, it seems like it was yesterday. Time, for me, has stood still. Birthdays and holidays have come and gone, but I'm still standing there in that hospital parking garage saying to myself..."So, no more adventures?"

    The day came and went without much fanfare and with minimal meltdowns.  Much of this was due prayers and the thoughtfulness of our community. The phone rang out with texts, emails, messages and calls of shared sadness and solidarity. Gifts started to arrive and hugs were delivered as well.  The counselors were on standby; they were so gracious to check in.  But the entire week leading up to it...we were a wreck! People see me managing the daily demands of seven kids and their schedules and think,  "Wow, that's so much! I don't know how you do it." But behind the scenes, being counselor mom and solo parent; discerning what foreign behavior is grief or regular ol' testing of the wills is where the full blown exhaustion comes in.  In those moments, I feel the most anguish. I feel the most hopeless as I continually function without the presence  the co-creator of this beautiful chaos by my side.  That's when I truly ponder how this is possible. I yell out to God , "Really Bro? Is this really what you have for me?" But, instantly fear sets in and I yell back, "Not that I'm complaining, please don't take my children."

This is raw.

This is real.

This is ugly.

This is brutal.

This is messy. 

But the best way I can describe our journey as we walk through the valley with others right now is: beautifully, tragically, therapeutic. 

                                                 Pat and His Baby Momma x 7 (2019)

August Family Update

 We started off August with our seventeenth wedding anniversary and ended with Elijah's 11th birthday.  As struggly as they both were, and everything in between, we're here.  Now having celebrated several birthdays, holidays and our anniversary, I'm learning that it's not as hard to brace for the big days. (I'll post more about this later) Here are the updates on what's been going on with us for the month of August. The schedules have ramped up and I'm still trying to get into a rhythm.  

We started off the month by hosting our first play date this year. We loved having friends over for a couple hours, it's therapeutic for them and me.

The kids got to do a few community service projects this month including stocking and organizing at the food pantry, Prayer and Produce with Preservation, and started working on a beautification project for New Life Village's rock garden. 

The kids and I did something new on our wedding anniversary and went to the Tampa Bay Buc's stadium for a back-to-school bash. Later,we were hosted for a delicious lunch from some of our oldest friends who are the owners of Tropical Smoothie Cafe. I made it through the day, with my sister in tow, and all of the kind messages truly helped. No matter how busy we tried to stay, a few of the kids didn't do so well.

A good friend who knew Patrick and I before we were us, came to town and I was so happy to be able to hug and talk with her in person. She's in the "club" also, and she and her husband were mentors while we were dating-such a godly couple.  She came all the way from Tallahassee and brought me a homemade carrot cake!

The older boys started basketball at another local YMCA and are truly enjoying it. They're learning and growing a lot for just having started the sport in June.  We switched Benji to Sports Discovery from gymnastics as he seemed to be getting a bit bored. This seems like a better fit. 

We joined our first homeschool co-operative, where homeschool families meet up once a week to teach a couple of subjects at a local church. So, the kids get their first dose of "School" as they have to change classes and turn in homework to someone OTHER than me. It's quite the adjustment for us, but they love it!  We even get to lead the group in morning devotional. The families, some of which have been our friends for about a decade, are so kind and supportive. 

The kids were over the moon when Wednesday night church started back up. Elijah was promoted to sixth grade so there was a special service to help him get acclimated in his progression from children's ministry to student's ministry. There was a worship night kickoff and ice cream social that was truly an impressive affair!

For counseling, we are still seeing two groups: one for the older ones and myself and another for the younger ones.  We added a third cord to the mix for Elijah, and we are hoping it continues to go well. The counselor is compassionate, understanding and can empathize with losing parents.  He also specializes in anger management as all of us are experiencing different levels of anger, I was pleasantly surprised to find a counselor that looks like him and promotes positive mental heatlh for all members of the community.  We will be starting back Kid's Grief Group next month.  

Every day leading up to Elijah's birthday was a STRUGGLE.  His was the first birthday we celebrated in this new chapter, in our new home. So, the arrival of it just solidified that we were celebrating this time around without our person. It seemed surreal.  I'm so grateful to everyone who sent wishes, gifts and showed up for his very last minute get together.  I knew that we had to get out of town, so we took a quick overnight trip, and he had a blast. I'll blog more about this separately.