It's been almost two years....

    It’s been almost two years, and Patrick still has not come home. I type that at the risk of sounding crazy, but to be honest I’m not crazy. This situation is crazy. Having 14 kids' birthdays without Patrick is crazy. Solo parenting seven grieving children all while I am trying to navigate what just happened to my life… That’s crazy. Still being able to provide emotional support, do outreach, and create a foundation for the bereaved while grieving...that's crazy.

    In the first few weeks of losing Patrick, someone who was probably well-meaning yet ill-informed, said to me, "God is going to use this." That infuriated me on 100 different levels! As someone who has been used the majority of my life by God, this didn't seem like the logical next move. Over years ago, God burst into my "independent woman" plans, united me with Patrick, and allowed us to create a small army of disciples.  I think I can safely say that the death of Patrick wasn't necessary in order for God to use us. We were being used just fine and frequently. The very same God that created something from dust, with His very words... The God that can grow an entire human in the womb of a mother for nine months... That kind of creative God did not have to take my husband and these kids' father in order for us to be used. But I digress. 

    During this time, I have seen exactly how much it takes to keep it moving. I watch my children continuously make the choice to wake up each morning and stare the day in the face. I look on as they take one step toward the light; onne step toward peace and joy, in the midst of extreme confusion.  I have seen their talents and personalities develop. I have seen a resilience in them that I didn’t think was possible. I have seen the love and guidance of their earthly father show up in them in a myriad of ways. Yet I’ve also heard screams from their little bodies that I could’ve gone my whole life without hearing. I’ve seen them be disappointed at people who truly should’ve showed up for us. I have seen the toiling of their little minds as they process never seeing Daddy again. I’ve seen them break into a full-blown panic at the slightest scare. This kind of out- of- order loss makes everything that you are sure of feel like quicksand.  Amazingly, I’ve seen my children be kept by God in a way that can only be the result of His sovereignty. I’ve heard joy in their hearts as they sing songs of praise. I’ve heard the pain in their lyrics as they screamed the words to songs that no longer seem like they fit life as we know it.  I’ve witnessed true joy as they experience a new adventure.  

    In the past two years, we've learned exactly what it feels like to be "in the margins" even more than we did before. And the lack of support and compassion for grieving families has been one of the saddest realities on this road. Wearily, we press on and continue to be who God has made us. If you are new to our blog, we thank you for taking the time to read this. We really want to shed light on how absolutely awful the moment-to-moment grief impacts us. It’s been two years, but it didn’t get better. Our village has been absolutely everything!  It takes so many mental and physical resources to keep it moving. So much compassion and flexibility are required to continue to raise these children in the light of the Lord: To keep them pressing on in purpose.  So, if you have been one of the people that we knew would be there for us, we thank you and appreciate you for doubling down and showing your love for Patrick by loving his family.  But, if you happen to be one of those that walked away in our darkest time, I respectfully ask that you keep walking. There were a bunch of little losses that follow Patrick’s passing, and although they were not as substantial, it still stung. We still noticed. Alas, God provides.

I've Been Quiet:It's Been A lot

    This won't be cohesive. I haven't been blogging, it's been so much happening at once. A lot to ingest and attempt to digest. It's the end of January and I haven't even posted family updates since October.  Those holidays came in wrecking shop.  The books and the experts talk about how hard the "firsts" will be, but those seconds are brutal.  Since everything happened so close to Christmas for us, we were still numb and in raw heartache and disbelief. But the end of 2022 was indescribable. Completely terrible with moments of joy and God's supernatural strength. We made it.

    I'll start with this current month.  January has been a mixed bag, but it has been mostly hard with moments of light.  My kids who usually don't break down much, broke.  "Where is Pat? What do you mean we can't see or touch him again? We need to hear his voice, on this side?" We want our person back. This is stupid. Thirteen months later, this is still stupid.  We've spent the last several months linking up and loving on families who have also experienced a devastating loss. It's been beautifully, tragically, therapeutic. 

    Two very consistent things have been God's faithfulness and our village. I don't say it lightly, but I can't imagine where we would be without the overwhelming, constant kindness of God's people. I have too many stories to share here, but I will do so soon.  One of the most recent was a bunch of beautiful people working together to get us on our first family airplane trip to visit family.  Yes, I took all seven on a red eye by myself.  We did it. I did it.

    December we stayed very busy.  We planned for my birthday, the anniversary of our loss,  and first true Christmas without Patrick.  We made it, but my birthday was New Years Eve and it was arguably one of the worst days of 2022.  I didn't see that coming. We created new traditions and blended in some old ones, but it was very somber and struggly.  The kids' grief behavior has truly taken up so much of my time and energy. Being a counselor mom, a mom -mom,  a solo mom, and a grieving wife is a new level. A NEW level.

    November was extremely tough as it was the last Wheeler Kid birthday, and also a milestone one.  Our oldest son entered into his teenage years and Patrick was not here. That felt mean and brutal. I felt abandoned. The co-creator of our family is not here to welcome and guide my son into his teen years. That one hurt. I could tell that my son started to get anxious as the day approached. I watched him grapple with his identity, his loss, and the fear of the unknown in this new stage.  He made it through, and I did also.  But it's still a tough journey.  

    We also had our first Thanksgiving without Pat. My GOD why am I even typing that. It was the last holiday of 2021 that we would ever spend together.  Leading up to the actual day, we were crashing all over. So many meltdowns, so much ugly, so much grief, so many questions.  One of the best and most memorable moments that pierced through the darkness was a surprise visit from my baby brother Jaden. Albeit, he's 20 and not a baby, we all couldn't believe our eyes.  Our hearts needed this.  He was one of Patrick's faves.  Patrick and I met shortly after his birth.  My mom, sister, and brother-in-law arranged it all.

    Right now, I'm currently slowing down.  Someone told me a couple weeks ago, "You're entering into the second year and that's hard." I wanted to curse. "What? Why didn't you tell me this last year?". But it doesn't matter what anyone or any blog says, THIS IS ALL AWFUL. I spent the entire year running around putting my kids in all the things, for good reasons, but it took a toll on me and started to have diminishing returns.  So, I told the kids that we have to slow down and start to establish some basic, life-sustaining routines and responsibilities. Church, School, and counseling are our main focuses aside from sheer survival.  I have been posting a lot more on our Instagram account @servingwith7. Please keep praying for us, we're doing all the things.

                                Must Watch: Video of My Brother's Surprise Visit for Thanksgiving 

Community Clock In!-Grandparents Edition

    One thing that I can't say enough is how grateful we are for our community, near and far.  It's for certain, that our kids and our family is loved and covered.  I don't take for granted the outpouring of support and sheer kindness we've received from so many. Being that we moved to Florida over a decade ago with our family, we don't have grandparents nearby.  I always tell people that if I don't know anything else, I know that God provides.  On this struggly grief journey, what we've dubbed borrowed grandparents have clocked in overtime to make sure that these Wheeler Babies experience no lack! On top of being blessed to have them, it's also amazing to know how much joy they bring to their borrowed grands.  The selflessness of our friends who share their parents/grandparents with us in addition knowing that these little huggers are being a blessing makes my heart smile. That's so rare nowadays.  They have been so creatively instrumental in holding us together this year.  Whether they've covered us in prayer, or taken over for a friend trip...They have SHOWN up!

So today, I'm shouting out the Beautiful Borrowed Grandparents and Great Grandparents . If you have:

Taken them to cookies with Santa;

Shown up for their music recitals;

Rocked A little one to sleep;

Cheered them on at their basketball & volleyball games;

Given them swim lessons;

Taken them for a walk to the lake;

Taken them to the aquarium;

Braved the mall to take them shopping

Played Hide N' Seek;

Joined them in one of their EPIC dance parties;

Given endless hugs;

Baked Bread with them;

Taken them Fishing;

Given Unlimited Hugs;

...we need you, we appreciate you, and we thank God for you.  

 

Community, Clock In!

I am constantly amazed and humbled at how our village of family and friends show up for us, especially in a clutch.  This month I've been overwhelmed at the response as I've reached out more and more for help.  I wouldn't use strong words like "routine" or "schedule", but I can say that I'm starting to see patterns in places where help is needed and effective.  Eight months into our journey and I have to say, it seems like it all just happened yesterday. It's not "Getting better" as some would absurdly suggest; but here are some examples of ways that the community has clocked-in for us.

After a long day at Homeschool Co-op, my sister and Brother-in-law came to the house to take Benji on a one-on-one. He got to go to dinner, the Lego store, and even rode the carousel. Although I was hosed up that day, having them step in and give him that solo time was so very helpful. On that same day, a family friend stopped by after a long day at work and put together bikes for Kendall, Max, and Elijah. 

One struggly Saturday, I was completely overwhelmed, and Patrick's close friend and his son came and took the boys for golf and pizza.  Although the rest of the day was crazy, it allowed them to have some guy time. On the same day, our friends took Avielle to do outreach, lunch and brough her home after. I had a lunch meeting and was surprised to come home, and my sister had come over to take Amira, Kendall and Benji on a neighborhood walk.

Last Saturday was unreal, and unexpectedly so.  The older boys are playing basketball this season on two different teams, with two different game times.  I hadn't fully planned on how that would work out or how tiny ones would get restless in between games.  I was also not prepared for the emotional fallout of a potential game loss. I was a wreck.  A friend came to take the older boys to lunch and to Bass Pro Shop and my sister saw me melting down and offered to take the Baby girls (Avi & Joy) later that afternoon to her house to chill and have some pool time.  That left Kendall and I to spend time together and take the little ones to the splash pad. 

And then, there are days like today. We were hosted for lunch and hugs, but I forgot we had piano. So, I made a call to our awesome music teacher and asked if she could meet us at our friend's house if we set up the keyboard and special space to practice. She graciously obliged and we got to have a great time on a day that started off rocky.  Then, we got home just in time to meet Ms. Jaclyn who came over to lead the kids in Bible Yoga as they focused and meditated on Isiah 41:10. They stretched, focused their minds on the Lord, and had a great time.  Then I received a message, "I'm having dinner delivered or y'all tonight."  

There have been days when it took several sets of people to help hold down the fort. We've had friends host us for breakfast, neighbors to deliver groceries and help me figure the gas can when I've run out of gas (and energy) and couldn't get the van to start. I've had a friend show up to meet us at the mall with tools in hand to replace my headlights and taillight bulbs!  My brother-in-law takes the boys for haircuts, friends send lawn care and dinner deliveries.  My accountability/pastors/counselors who send encouragement via text and calls. And to each and every prayer warrior- we appreciate you.   Every prayer turns into a small dance party, or a belly laugh, or a fun story about adventures with Dad. 

So, thank you, thank you, and may God bless you ten times above and beyond what you continue to pour out to our family. 

                                                                Courtesy of Bible Yogini August 2022

Family Updates for July

Lord Jesus, July!

I'm not saying that in vain! I truly mean it. July came in, knocked all the trinkets off of the shelf of general store and ran out the back door with HASTE! This summer was a lot, almost in an overwhelming way. With health drama, extracurriculars, birthdays, milestones and celebrations I feel like I braced myself accordingly. There is a lot to share, so I will only post brief highlights. I hope to blog more in August as follow-ups to some things I'm sharing below. 

The Firsts

For the first time since I can remember, Benji woke up and shouted, "I had a good dream mommy!"  He went on to tell me that in the dream, he was a power ranger.  This started my day off with a praise.  God knows, and so do many of you, how Benji has been having nightmares and night terrors every single night since the passing of his Dad. Mornings are awful for me, but I will never forget that morning as it was an answer to prayer.

One night as we all sat down for nighttime prayer, Max asked God to help him and the basketball team to do well. I heard him carefully crafting his words to make sure that he was shielding himself from any disappointment of an unanswered prayer. (A post for later). Although Max, Elijah and their team lost the game, Max shot the ball! In previous games, he hadn't taken a single shot out of fear of not making it. When he came home from the game he said, "Mom, I overcame my fear of taking shots. I took some and made them! God showed up for me." 

Another Holiday

There was no way to prepare for the fourth.  As the month of July rolled in, I once again began to feel the loss of Patrick in a physical way. None of the busyness could pad me from it, and I didn't expect it to.  I'm thankful for my sister and our friends the Thomases for stepping in and taking the kids as I felt like my feet were in mud the entire day.  We had just bought Patrick his first brand new grill last August after we sold our home and moved here. As it sat unused on a day that our family looked forward to enjoying being together and tasting his award-winning barbecue, the feeling was gut-wrenching.  The ram in the bush came in the form of our beautiful neighbors.  On our way home, the kids were finishing up a debate on whether we could do fireworks or not. Just as we turned onto our street, our neighbors flagged us down and insisted that we come back for food and fireworks.  That took a huge burden off of me and it was a beautiful time for myself and those of my kids who could bear it.

Birthdays

Our "bookends" as Patrick would call them, the youngest and oldest, had birthdays this month. Both were milestones in my opinion. Amira turned two and Kendall turned fourteen. In anticipation of both of those days and on heels of Fourth of July, I was not okay. His absence felt so heavy, so wrong, and so unreal. On a bright note, beautiful friends and families made the girls feel special. We had special friends who were visiting from Tennessee and Kosovo and were able to come by and celebrate with us. God was near.

Fun Things

Avielle and Elijah had an excellent time at the week-long worship camp at a local church. They are two of the most reserved of the kids and to see them on stage, memorizing all of the moves and lyrics as they performed a musical about Jonah was very refreshing for all of us.  For the rest of the month, we had playdates, gymnastics, basketball games, karate and anything else indoors that we could do. We even got a chance to do horseback riding for the first time, in honor of Kendall's birthday. 

Fishers of Men Ceremony & Award

Shortly after Patrick's heavenly promotion, a local charitable organization dear to our hearts came to me with an idea to honor his legacy and commitment to the community. Although I wasn't ready at that time, they patiently waited and we were able to have the ceremony on the 16th.   A young man was honored with the Fisher's of Men award, a college friend and brother in ministry came to speak, and we were surrounded with friends, family, and the entire village. It was truly a beautiful and humbling honor.

Church 3 Year Anniversary

This was tough.  About five years ago, God gave Patrick and I a vision for a church; really, an outreach ministry.  We watched and were obedient as he arranged and ordained all of the pieces to come to fruition in the summer of 2019.  Our entire family hasn't been back to the church for months, it's been too hard.  But on the 24th, we all came together to honor what God had done and is still doing. The service was wonderful, intimate, honorable and we made it through. I'll share more on this later.

Hard Things

Parenting was hard this month. Solo parenting through loss and disappointment is grueling. It was all hard this month.  I had to re-sign a lease, buy new tires, hire a plumber and a couple of other things that I was fully capable of doing, but wished I didn't have to. Things that I wouldn't be doing in my old normal life, the one where my "husbae" was by my side.  I found myself angry this month and just missing our partnership. Life is a lot, and we were better together.  I also pushed myself to go out on a notary assignment and that was a good change of pace for me and I'm looking forward to continuing to do more.  

Immeasurable Kindness

At the end of this month, I received a certified letter from Hillsboro Memorial Gardens. My heart sank, and people close to me know how much I hate dealing with "final things".  The letter was a paid in full certificate, showing that a couple of exceptional people had anonymously taken care of the "decoration" for Patrick's Memorial.   It was only an act of God that carried me through making the customary arrangements for the "Heaven Party" as the kids called it. I later realized that I didn't know how or even where to notify others of the location of his memorial.  So, to have someone think so much of our family and our person, to take care of this...we are watching God carry us. 

Guest Post-The Cheerleader

The boys had their first basketball game last weekend and they had fun. It was so exciting, and in true Wheeler fashion the whole squad was there to root them on! With it being their first basketball game ever, I got up that morning very sad. I was thinking about the fact that their person was missing out on this new adventure.  A very important person. This person was an amazing cheerleader, with a loud, passionate voice to root Max and Elijah on. It was missing. While enjoying the squeaky sneakers on the court floor and the unusually loud buzzer, I noticed my sister. My sister was being a mother, and she was in her element. She was the loudest voice in that gym. She was up and down that court, rooting everyone on, not just Max and Eli. My sister was Keisha-, the captain of the cheerleading team at Arlington High School and I just knew she was going to do a cartwheel! I know this game was for the boys, but to see my sister this happy and engaged made my heart so happy. There are a lot of tough, stupid days.  And although we didn't win the game, that experience was a win.

by Kandace H. 

Celebrating the Wins; Every Single One

Yesterday was a rainy, dreary day. The kind of day that lends no light to our struggly situation. But I woke with a burden to share the wins with all of the prayer warriors. I am so humbled by the creative ways people have found to bless us during this season. But for those who ask, "What do you need?" I reply, "Please don't stop praying. I don't want to know how this feels without the covering of the prayers of God's people." So, here are those wins and answered prayers:

• THE BABIES ARE SINGING!!!

If you read the very first blog post, you will know exactly why that statement above is bolded and in all caps. A young lady who is a super talented, music aficionado has a music studio and teaches my littles. The way she seems to show up in the nick of time to be a blessing is why I've often dubbed her our "manifested angel." Elijah and Joy will be playing their piano pieces and the other kiddos will be singing. We hope to stream it live from our ministry's Facebook page or record and post it afterwards.  

• Being Honored in the Community 

 A community partner reached out to me to create and organize an award and dedication in Patrick's honor.  A few months ago, I was not ready to even discuss it. She was very gracious, and this week I was able to do a hard thing by finalizing the details.  I pressed on and assisted with the planning and found it to be mildly therapeutic. It felt like a part of my "old normal."  We truly love the community, and he was always looking forward to every opportunity to share love, laughs and an encouraging word with others.  So, to know that someone wanted to honor his legacy in this way truly blessed me at a time that I needed all of the beautiful things. 

• The Book is Ready
  

Today I received word from our publisher that Patrick's book of devotions is ready for print! The team has been a godsend and very encouraging throughout this process.  Their patience and professionalism have been a bright spot during this time of confounding darkness.  I will post later on the backstory of this work.  Just to see something new springing forth from this...I don't even know what to call it...brings me measured joy. To see his words, stories and admonitions is life-giving. 

Family Updates For April

April was a climb. I'm not going to lie.  Although there were several small and large victories, I realized this month that I don't have my reinforcement.  Raising a family of this size, with the diversity of personalities and giftings was a delicate dance.  It became more real to me this month that we're missing the reinforcement. The teamwork of our parenting was a godsend, and very necessary. Accepting that I am apparently supposed to go at this alone, without my person, truly knocked the wind out of me this month.  As always, I am truly grateful for each of the prayer warriors. Knowing that you're there, lifting us up to the Father is a treasure and a comfort to our souls. Know that the kids are praying for y'all as well.

A List of Beautiful Things

• I got a chance to finish up this round of Mommy Dates with Elijah, Avielle, and Joy. We enjoyed our one-on-one time together.
• A few nights a week, we added the Compliment Circle to our bedtime prayer routine. Each of the kids go around and share what they love, admire or appreciate about their sibling. It is a beautiful time of reflection and takes the edge off of struggle nights.
• We got a chance to have one of our counseling sessions at a new location this month. It was situated on a beautiful property with porch swings, horses, and space to relax while the others were in session.  
• The YMCA Splash pad and pool has been a great way for us to unwind on the weekends, all of the kids had a blast in the water!
• We had a fun time celebrating Joy and my sister Kandace's birthdays, they are only 4 days apart. 
• For Easter we celebrated by attending our first outing of the year at New Life Village.  Then, we headed to Lutz for easter egg hunts and pony rides and ended with two church services on Easter Sunday.
• We implemented a new activity to help our "Struggly Sundays".  We now call them "Sundae Sundays" and we visit a local ice cream shop in honor of our person. We've always enjoyed laughs and ice cream with family and friends.
• Most of the kids will be performing in a music recital later in May at our church. 

Family Updates

Joy is really making strides. She turned six this month, is now able to read family devotionals! She has been standing in worship more and even waking up singing.  She also graduated to Book B in Piano, and is excited to continue to learn. Seeing genuine excitement on her face was beautiful and refreshing.  One area that has been hardest for her is learning karate.  She is often shy and in this season, more sensitive to quick action and loud noise.  But, she pushed through an entire class and was rewarded by earning a stripe on her white belt for a job well done.  She was so proud of herself, and so was the entire class. 

Avielle has had a very hard month with her grief.  I am watching her process through it and doing everything I can to help. So far, looking at pictures, using her new noise machine at bedtime and baths are helpful.  She is enjoying kids grief group and also her time with the therapist.  We all were so proud of her when she became a Yellow Belt in karate. She is having an excellent time learning and helping to teach the younger kids in her class.  Avi looks forward to worship on Wednesday Nights and time on the tree swing in the front yard.  I am thankful for those who call and FaceTime her, the support gets her through.

Benjamin is such a sweet kid.  He loves soccer and we've all been excited to be there to cheer him on.  The season will end this week and we're looking forward to celebrating him and his lil' teammates as they receive their medals. Ben also loves the park, playdates with friends, and Wednesday worship.  Although the night terrors have seemed to subside, he is still really having issues getting to sleep in spite of our routine.  This past weekend , he and I started reciting "Jesus loves me and is always with me", when he gets afraid at night. It helps some, but this part is hard for me. During prayer time he often asks God to bring his daddy back, "Because he was the best and my favorite." 

Elijah is really enjoying and excelling in Karate, we will be signing him up for the summer.  He and Max earned their orange belts this month and we were so proud!  Elijah is also loving the grief group and learning with his friends at Wednesday Worship. He's been having a better month regarding his grief and is communicating more. Looking at photos, telling stories, and planning to do things "like Dad" helps him to process.  Eli plays his tablet and uses his legos in his free time and is a great cook.  He also has an A average in his schoolwork. 

Christian is also really enjoying and excelling in Karate, he is often used to help demonstrate with the instructor.  He is a great help around the house and enjoys putting things together, including furniture. In his free time Max's been enjoying football games on the tablet, helping with the plants, and hanging with friends.  He even volunteered for the dunk tank at Wednesday Night Church.  He's mostly private with his grieving process but opens up at grief group, with the therapist and in our nightly emails.  Max excels in his schoolwork, especially Math and Reading and has an A average. 

Amira is getting big and has a vast vocabulary. She's an excellent little helper and loves following her big brother Benji around.  She loves going out to the tree swing and trying on everyone's shoes.  Amira loves the band, For King & Country, and sings along to all of their songs.  

Kendall has been coming in clutch as the babysitter for short errands.  She's also been helping prepare dinner, and so far, her red beans & rice with shrimp has been a family hit! Kendall is an A student and is excelling in her studies especially Math and Science.  She enjoys Youth Group, lunch with friends and even got an opportunity to volunteer with the toddlers at church on Easter.  Kendall is looking forward to playing soccer in the fall.  She is such a beautiful young lady and a great artist. She is always finding the light and sharing fun stories about her Dad. 

Me: Last fall, I started my journey as a Notary Public.  This month, I was able to meet with and receive training from an industry professional.  It was good to learn something new and it brought me joy. It was refreshing.  I did many, many hard things this month, including attending a class specifically for loss of spouses. I have felt physical pain this month due to the separation of the team of us,"Pat N' Keisha". It has been brutal. BRUTAL.  

Grief Group for Kids-Niche Ministry

My cousin Jaz called and said, "The Kids told me they had FUN at grief therapy, and it threw me off.  I mean, I was glad but also confused at how fun and grief could go together!" This is when I knew, we had found something good, something safe. 

Shortly after everything happened, a community leader and friend of ours sent over information for grief counseling.  At that time, I wasn't prepared to set it up and was still feeling out our need.  After reaching out to several providers on the list, I realized that finding grief counseling and specifically counseling for kids was going to be a headache in itself. I would have to psych myself up just to dive in and make all of the calls, send all of the emails and subsequently endure the let downs of "So sorry, we're only doing video meetings in your area." After losing such a huge presence in our family, physically, spiritually and mentally, we knew that talking to a computer wasn't going to cut it.

Those first couple months were brutal, and the strugglebus is STILL parked out front. I knew that I needed to build in as much help as possible if we were to survive this blow.  After I completed the paperwork, Susan called me and notified me that there were openings for groups at the church less than five minutes from our home.  Thankful for God's favor, we scheduled to be there in attendance and on time. 

Finding Suncoast kids was a relieving and heartwarming experience.  The ministry is a part of a church in Lutz that mobilizes and sets up in Brandon to provide peer groups for kids.  When we walked in for the first time, we were welcomed with a palpable and somber "we get it, you're safe here."  Although I was super sad at the thought of a group of hurting kids, my heart was blessed to know that there were counselors, caregivers, and administrators living out their Godly purpose of pouring into children who are dealing with significant loss.  This is what we call ministering in the margins. Finding a unique group of people who may feel unseen or misunderstood and coordinating efforts around ministering to and encouraging them. 

 In our friend and family circle, my children are the only children they know without a dad. Even typing that is just excruciating. So, to know that they can go to a group of their peers who are also experiencing a similar loss is helpful. The program doesn't attempt to paint over their grief with fun activities and distractions, but it does provide a place for them to embrace the loss, work through it and learn coping skills to help.  It provides them a safe place to be uniquely cared for while giving them something to look forward to.  

When I first called Suncoast Kids for help, we were placed on a waiting list. A waiting list. I couldn’t even process the disappointment nor the fact that there was a waiting list of children in need of grief care. Everyone is a volunteer and no family is charged a fee for these services. They have groups for children from Kindergarten through High School.   I would love for them to be able to expand and offer play therapy for the little tinies. Watching and listening to my three year old as he processes through this loss is something that I have no words for. I do know that whenever I get over or through this rough patch,  I promised them that I would support them in any way possible for all that they've poured out into my family alone. 

• Max enjoys the projects, collages, and the new therapy Dog, Guiness.
• Kendall appreciates the commitment and compassion of the volunteers.
• Elijah enjoys meeting new friends and getting the grief out
• Joy & Avielle like story time, being able to talk about their person and snack time.
• At the end of the group session, they all light candles for the person they've lost. 

Get Involved — Suncoast Kids Place

Donate — Suncoast Kids Place

At Risk Kids | Bay Hope Church

Joy Riding a Pony at Bay Hope's Easter Extravaganza 

It Was Just Gettin' Good!

One of the things that I never knew I would be so grateful for, was the fact that our kids feel free to speak openly about all of the things.  Even for my sons, it doesn't take much prodding before they realize that I am a safe person for them to trust with their most intimate thoughts, fears, and struggles. Elijah and I have always had a unique relationship. He was the transition child in many ways. Several life changes transpired when I became pregnant and gave birth to him. One of those changes was the start of my journey as a Stay at Home Mom.  This would eventually morph into a few other roles including master's student mom, work from home mom, homeschool mom , boss mom , etc.  

One day last week, I'm not sure what sparked the conversation, but Elijah and I were sitting down reminiscing about how 2021 came for the jugular and was an unexpectedly crazy year.  We had all survived 2020, which was a complete miracle in itself . With the face coverings, lockdowns, and live streaming and the birth of our beautiful seventh baby,  it was a year of historic proportions.

I remember posting on Facebook something to the effect of:

               "2021, I need you to come in, sit down, shut up, and don't touch nothin!" 

I believe we were all cruising into the year with some hope that normalcy would return.   The year started out for us with our first family pet, Ali the turtle.  Elijah wanted it so badly, and although Patrick and I joked about the kids misplacing the turtle somewhere in the house and waking in a panic; he gave in.  A couple months later, Patrick wanted to up the ante and get a dog, so we got a cute little pit puppy named "Blue". The kids lost it, they were so excited, but of course I couldn't believe that I had another "kid" to look after.  Patrick understood and did his best to teach the kids to be responsible and take care of Blue.  In addition, we had decided to get our house ready to take advantage of the seller's market.  We had built the house from the ground up, and our kids had called it home for almost seven years.  We didn't realize at the time how this move would affect us all, emotionally.  

As Elijah put it, "we had just survived a lot of changes, started to settle down, and even bought our Christmas tree.  And then WHAM!" He was right. There was no way that this was on our radar at all. I can't even explain it. What we thought would be a normal Saturday of shopping for and ministering to our neighbors in the mobile home park, turned into something beyond our imagination.  Christmas was his favorite holiday.  I was so grateful that we had been able to follow our tradition of picking a tree together and decorating it with the kids while drinking hot cocoa. 

                                                                                                                                                               

This entire thing feels like a gut punch, or in Elijah's words "it feels like an airplane landed on me."

I'm sorry, but I can't commit

One of the things that I loved most about my relationship with Patrick, was that we willingly CHOSE to do life together.  Neither one of us felt like we were missing anything before, but once we met, we were inseparable.  It was a God thing.  We had our own visions for how our lives would play out. For instance, he told me, "Before you, I never really saw myself being married. I was just going to be that cool uncle with the really good job that came home for Christmas with lots of presents."  Even in the emergency room, I reminded him "It was either you or no one. If I was going to experience love, it would have only been with the fullness in which you loved me, or not at all." (There will be another post on how we met)

With that being said, each and every day in this current reality is...beyond belief. No part of this mission was meant to be done solo. We were better together. Our lives were so intertwined that we could practically be blindfolded with one hand tied behind our backs and would get the task accomplished with synchronized movements and motions. The teamwork truly made the dream work.  So, trying to plan anything, even a doctor's appointment means that I'm committing to knowing and accepting that Patrick won't be there to meet me.  I won't have to send him a note to put it on his calendar.  Even typing that, I know someone reading this just broke down, and I'm sorry.  I can't even comprehend why I would have even typed that, but I did. 

So, no I won't be able to commit to that. Thank you for the invite, thank you for thinking of us, we appreciate the offer we just cannot commit to much other than getting up and allowing God to comfort us and show us His love and supernatural comfort each day. This is just where I am. 

Counting the wins, well trying

I want to start out this post by giving a huge shout out to each and every one of the prayer warriors and our "village." There is not a day that goes by without several people checking on us, calling our names in prayer, and physically showing up to be hands-on to help our family. I am eternally grateful.  This week was crazy, unexpectedly busy, and the support of our community made all the difference.  Playdates, handyman help, meals, and short babysitting stints for overdue self-care.

This week was hellish. I'm not sure exactly why, but it was super busy and unexpectedly so.  Meetings, doctor appointments, hard things paired with the sheer fact that THIS MAKES NO SENSE really created a cyclone of cray cray.   Grief and triggers showed up in new ways. I'm sure that was part of it. Alas, here are some wins:

Joy learned to read music this week! She's only 5, but she is not only teaching herself to read, but she is also learning to read and play notes.

I interviewed a therapist specializing in art/play therapy with toddlers. She sent a proposed plan for Benji & Joy starting next week and I'm relieved to have found her. That search alone took almost every ounce of energy I had. 

We toured the local YMCA to see if the programs would benefit our family.  We got a special tour from the executive director who had a similar story of loss when he was only 11. So, his compassion and understanding for my kiddos was truly appreciated.  

One of our family/community advocates recommended a specialized kids grief group back in December. We were on a wait list and were told we couldn't start until March. We got a call on Thursday that we were moved up and could start that night. Elijah, Avielle, and Joy had an amazing time. It was exactly what they needed. I was glad that something worked.

Kendall, Max, and I are signed up for GriefShare at one of our partner churches which is similar to the kids' group but for adults and teens.  This will be a delicate situation in the fact that, the three of us are empaths. I'm wondering how we will function in a group setting, feeling safe to share but also resisting the compulsion to take on the stories and sadness of others.  

Max, Elijah, Avielle & Joy just joined a local Martial Arts Class at the Homeschool Co-op.  I think it would be great to get out some of that "big energy" that builds up during this season.  The instructor is very skilled and also gave a short bible study in the beginning of class.   This is a double win, because last week I took the girls to try the same class. It was the first time they'd driven past the hospital where we dropped Daddy off when he first felt the pain in his chest. Seeing it again triggered them and they couldn't even participate. They were so shaken up. So this week, we tried again, took the brothers along and it was a success.