Family Updates For May

May kind of zoomed by, which I'm not sure is a good thing or a bad thing. There were days, moments that were almost unbearable.  We had one of the worst nights we've had since December. It all boils down to this: we just want our person back. I know that sounds crazy. I know the experts will say we're circling through the stages of grief and are back at denial, but we want our person back. We do. Be that as it may, the outpouring of support, stories and shared grief has helped us muster the strength to make it through May.

So here are the wins:

A List of Beautiful Things

• A friend gifted Joy and I a "Mommy and Me" decorating class and we enjoyed our time together
• The kids played the piano and sang on stage at our church for the first time in 2022 and since our loss.  Thanks to everyone who showed up physically and virtually to support my babies at the recital. They did the hard thing, and my heart was proud.
• We survived Mother's Day. A day that Patrick and the kids made me feel so special. The community showed UP and covered me in a way that was completely overwhelming. I was even able to walk into a bible study group and thank some of the prayer warriors in person. That was a first.  
• My sister went to Mexico for work and brought us back the coolest gifts and authentic treats to try. The kids felt rich with their pesos and custom-made purses and wallets. 
• My brother -in -law got to attend Family Night with us at Kids' grief group. It was an unforgettable experience.
• A couple of friends joined us for our new "Sundae Sundays" tradition, where we get ice cream or frozen yogurt in this case in honor of Patrick. 
• One of our closest friends graduated, and we had family fun celebrating at her party.
• The.Book.Was.FINISHED! The Kindle edition was published as we await the first hardcopy. That project in itself was...I felt like I was floating. There was no way I was "there" while doing all of the things that needed to be completed and turned in to the publisher for this work. 

Family Updates

Joy is starting to enjoy her Sunday Class more and more. She is opening up in karate and even earned a yellow belt! The girl is making moves and looking forward to first grade.  When I see her interacting with friends and coming into her own, it makes my heart happy because I know how hard it must be to press through.  She is aptly named, and although I can tell when she needs extra hugs, I appreciate all of your prayers for my baby. God hears. 

Avielle has had a better month than the last. She is growing so much, reading a lot and expressing her feelings well. She even wrote a blog post that we will share within the coming weeks. Avielle is wise beyond her years.  However, she is still taking this very hard. She is the feeler of the group, the biggest empath of us all. Her heart is tender and her love for others runs deep. She also got promoted again in karate and is one step closer to earning her orange belt. I've noticed that she does better when she has one on one time with friends, and a few crazy schedules made that less possible this month.  Since grief group is ending, she will be seeing the therapist specializing and play/art therapy who works with Ben and Joy.  One thing that made her elated was being able to search and buy Daddy's book. She also loves when we get to go to the pool.

Benjamin is such a sweet kid. He is always the first to want to start the compliment circle that we do at bedtime.  He wants to hug everyone all the time, and he is truly a giver.  Benji is super lovable and is enjoying Sunday class at church.  He was disappointed when Wednesday Night church ended. That was hard for him as routines are crucial during this time. Thankfully, we picked up and started gymnastics at the Y and is loving it.  He finished his soccer season by scoring a winning goal! He received a medal and a certificate and was very proud of himself. He is still struggling with regulating his emotions and having several meltdowns but that's to be expected. Benji prays every night "Lord we just need your help; we need our Daddy back."  Overall, he is a strong, smart, kind, and fun-loving toddler. 

Elijah is really enjoying and excelling in Karate and still our little mathematician and maintains a high A Average.  He LOVES the water, so any time we can get to swim he enjoys it and seems to be refreshed. It's been a struggly month for him, lots of somber days. But he communicates well and even wrote a blog post to share soon.  Many times, I've noticed him go upstairs and start to play piano. I think it calms him down, and also helps him to fine tune his craft. He's a very gifted kid, and I get angry along with him when he yells "I just want my Dad!" I feel him, and he deserves his Dad.

Christian is continuing to excel at karate and in school, particularly math.  He got invited to an in-person audition in for a local film June so he's looking forward to that. Christian also got his first opportunity to volunteer for a vacation bible school in the area. Next month, he will be leading worship for the kindergarteners, which I know he will love.  Rough month for my sonny boy, though. More somber days coupled with a lot of confusion and sadness. He doesn't talk about it much, so his blog post was really a big deal.  I make sure to check on his heart often, and he does the same for me.   I know he is trying to make sense of his faith right now, but I'm so glad he is pressing in to it. As he put it "I love Jesus, I know God is real, but I'm mad." 

Amira has had a few more days this month where she has cried out for Daddy, and I wasn't expecting that. Mostly though, she is happy, bright and kind of bossy.  This month she started going to each person saying "Go 'head, PRAY!" And because she is who she is, we stop whatever we are doing and eek out whatever prayer we can.  God is still using this little therapy baby.  I was having a brutally hard moment and she just started singing "He is FOR you, He is FOR you" from the song The Blessing. She sang it over and over and over again. My one year old , unprompted, sang over me in my despair.  I've witnessed God use her before, and this time was no exception. Amira is very independent and has mastered speaking in full, complete sentences. My favorite thing to hear her say is, "I love you so much mommy, K?"

Kendall is definitely is a bright spot in this situation.  She inherited many things from her dad, and one of my favorites is, her ability to start each day afresh believing that she will see the goodness of the Lord.  She prays every night for everyone who was at "Dad's heaven party." Every single night. We were going to start her in a leadership program at the Y but it got postponed. So we will be signing her up for various volunteer opportunities and then volleyball camp in the late summer. She did get an opportunity to take some classes at the Y and go shopping with a friend and enjoyed it.  She is always finding the light and sharing fun stories about her Dad, hopefully she will blog more this summer as well. 

Me: This month started out with me doing one of the hardest of things: Going back to our church and sharing the instructions that Patrick gave me regarding our ministry, before his passing.  (I will post that story and the speech at another time.) But this month there were several bright spots.  I can honestly say that I have felt God wipe away my tears and hold the pieces of my heart together on many occasions. At other times, I've fallen completely apart in disbelief. Like "what.just.happened?" One of the good things was receiving my first direct client as a loan signing agent. Not only was the closing successful, but I received my first five-star rating.  It felt like God personally set up a much-needed win...and I'll take all of them that I can get.

                                     

                                                  *All Photos used with permission

What's Helpful: Talking About Our Person

Big Hugs. Big Laughs. Big Voice. Big Love. The space that he filled is...expansive.  So please, when you see us, talk about our person.  It's okay. Tell us about the gaffes, the memories, the things you miss about him. Share pictures of fun times of you and him had together.  It doesn't have to be forced, but when you are able to share, please do. I can only imagine how tough it is just mustering the courage and the strength to reach out to talk, check in, or hang out with us.  It's awkward.  You love us, and don't want to make us sad. You don't want to trigger us. You don't want to cue a meltdown. You don't want to meltdown, yourself!  Unfortunately, the gaping hole in our lives right now is unavoidable from the moment we wake, to the moment we finally drift off to sleep. One of the ways that we are making it through, is by continuing to regularly tell our family jokes and stories.  We talk about Patrick all the time.  We can't help it, and we don't want to.  

Although most words, platitudes and phrases of comfort bounce right off of me, there are two things that stuck with me, early on. First, having a bunch of still, framed photos is really unhelpful. It feels cold, harsh, and final. It was never our norm.  So, I bought a digital photo frame and loaded it with some of our favorite pictures. I add to it daily, because the legacy is a living thing. So, we have to live with it and through it, I guess.  He is woven into the fabric of each of our stories and I see him every day in the faces and personalities of these children.  They have his sense of humor, compassion, wit, and eyebrows for sure!  

Next, I had to come to terms with the fact that yes, the December 10th 2021 chapter of Patrick's life SUCKED, but there are so many more chapters that were beautiful and good. Some chapters were hard and tough, but all of them are a part of his story; a great story. So I had to force myself to visit all of the spaces, places, times, and travels. They all happened.  They all matter. They are all real. And despite the ending, the book of his life is definitely worth the read.

Back in February, a kind friend brought Avielle a Memory Book for her birthday.  When it was given to her, we all had a shared perplexed reaction, due to the fresh and unrelenting shock of our reality. "What is this?" Why do we need a memory book? This does not apply to us." A couple months later after a hard, hard night of grief, Avielle picked up the book and begin to read & write in it.  She showed me a question that asked her to name one thing that she feared.  She told me, "Mom, one thing I'm afraid of is that I'll forget Daddy and I never want to do that."  Then she snuggled up in his jersey and went to sleep.

*We would love to keep a collection of stories and memories for our family all in one place.  If you have something to share, now or in the future, please email to : pwheelslegacy@gmail.com*

Celebrating the Wins; Every Single One

Yesterday was a rainy, dreary day. The kind of day that lends no light to our struggly situation. But I woke with a burden to share the wins with all of the prayer warriors. I am so humbled by the creative ways people have found to bless us during this season. But for those who ask, "What do you need?" I reply, "Please don't stop praying. I don't want to know how this feels without the covering of the prayers of God's people." So, here are those wins and answered prayers:

• THE BABIES ARE SINGING!!!

If you read the very first blog post, you will know exactly why that statement above is bolded and in all caps. A young lady who is a super talented, music aficionado has a music studio and teaches my littles. The way she seems to show up in the nick of time to be a blessing is why I've often dubbed her our "manifested angel." Elijah and Joy will be playing their piano pieces and the other kiddos will be singing. We hope to stream it live from our ministry's Facebook page or record and post it afterwards.  

• Being Honored in the Community 

 A community partner reached out to me to create and organize an award and dedication in Patrick's honor.  A few months ago, I was not ready to even discuss it. She was very gracious, and this week I was able to do a hard thing by finalizing the details.  I pressed on and assisted with the planning and found it to be mildly therapeutic. It felt like a part of my "old normal."  We truly love the community, and he was always looking forward to every opportunity to share love, laughs and an encouraging word with others.  So, to know that someone wanted to honor his legacy in this way truly blessed me at a time that I needed all of the beautiful things. 

• The Book is Ready
  

Today I received word from our publisher that Patrick's book of devotions is ready for print! The team has been a godsend and very encouraging throughout this process.  Their patience and professionalism have been a bright spot during this time of confounding darkness.  I will post later on the backstory of this work.  Just to see something new springing forth from this...I don't even know what to call it...brings me measured joy. To see his words, stories and admonitions is life-giving. 

Pat's Baby Momma- Storytime

Patrick and I affectionally called each other "Baby Momma" and "Baby Daddy." When he would call my phone and his photo would appear with that caption, it would always get a chuckle from whomever was in our company at the time.  I proudly wear the banner of Mom of his Seven Exceptional Children who all bear the image of their earthly and heavenly Fathers. I am honored to have been consistently lauded, appreciated, and admonished as a great mom.   Below are a few memorable stories of some of my best Mother's Days past.

One of the things that Patrick learned is that I loved the gift of quiet, which had been a rarity for the last thirteen plus years. So, one Mother's Day, he loaded up all of the kids told me to "stream church online" and he took them all with him to service. I cranked up my Gospel rap, danced and sang until they got back home. I couldn't remember the last time before that, when I had a Sunday morning to myself to praise and worship with BOTH hands raised. 

 Another time, he rented me a white mustang so that I could ride in stylish silence for the entire weekend! Being able to jump in the car and hear nothing for miles was music to my ears.  But one of my favorite Mother's Days, was when he and my sister Kandace joined together to get me a night away from it all. I slept, ate, took several showers and binged Grey's Anatomy with not a single interruption. It was awesome.

He always took the kids out to buy my favorite things the night before, and their faces would light up the morning of during the presentation. Candles, Journals, and makeup...they knew me well.  Patrick always affirmed me as a mother and taught and modeled that appreciation for the kids. I'm grateful today for having had him as my Baby Daddy and partner on this parenting journey.

Family Updates For April

April was a climb. I'm not going to lie.  Although there were several small and large victories, I realized this month that I don't have my reinforcement.  Raising a family of this size, with the diversity of personalities and giftings was a delicate dance.  It became more real to me this month that we're missing the reinforcement. The teamwork of our parenting was a godsend, and very necessary. Accepting that I am apparently supposed to go at this alone, without my person, truly knocked the wind out of me this month.  As always, I am truly grateful for each of the prayer warriors. Knowing that you're there, lifting us up to the Father is a treasure and a comfort to our souls. Know that the kids are praying for y'all as well.

A List of Beautiful Things

• I got a chance to finish up this round of Mommy Dates with Elijah, Avielle, and Joy. We enjoyed our one-on-one time together.
• A few nights a week, we added the Compliment Circle to our bedtime prayer routine. Each of the kids go around and share what they love, admire or appreciate about their sibling. It is a beautiful time of reflection and takes the edge off of struggle nights.
• We got a chance to have one of our counseling sessions at a new location this month. It was situated on a beautiful property with porch swings, horses, and space to relax while the others were in session.  
• The YMCA Splash pad and pool has been a great way for us to unwind on the weekends, all of the kids had a blast in the water!
• We had a fun time celebrating Joy and my sister Kandace's birthdays, they are only 4 days apart. 
• For Easter we celebrated by attending our first outing of the year at New Life Village.  Then, we headed to Lutz for easter egg hunts and pony rides and ended with two church services on Easter Sunday.
• We implemented a new activity to help our "Struggly Sundays".  We now call them "Sundae Sundays" and we visit a local ice cream shop in honor of our person. We've always enjoyed laughs and ice cream with family and friends.
• Most of the kids will be performing in a music recital later in May at our church. 

Family Updates

Joy is really making strides. She turned six this month, is now able to read family devotionals! She has been standing in worship more and even waking up singing.  She also graduated to Book B in Piano, and is excited to continue to learn. Seeing genuine excitement on her face was beautiful and refreshing.  One area that has been hardest for her is learning karate.  She is often shy and in this season, more sensitive to quick action and loud noise.  But, she pushed through an entire class and was rewarded by earning a stripe on her white belt for a job well done.  She was so proud of herself, and so was the entire class. 

Avielle has had a very hard month with her grief.  I am watching her process through it and doing everything I can to help. So far, looking at pictures, using her new noise machine at bedtime and baths are helpful.  She is enjoying kids grief group and also her time with the therapist.  We all were so proud of her when she became a Yellow Belt in karate. She is having an excellent time learning and helping to teach the younger kids in her class.  Avi looks forward to worship on Wednesday Nights and time on the tree swing in the front yard.  I am thankful for those who call and FaceTime her, the support gets her through.

Benjamin is such a sweet kid.  He loves soccer and we've all been excited to be there to cheer him on.  The season will end this week and we're looking forward to celebrating him and his lil' teammates as they receive their medals. Ben also loves the park, playdates with friends, and Wednesday worship.  Although the night terrors have seemed to subside, he is still really having issues getting to sleep in spite of our routine.  This past weekend , he and I started reciting "Jesus loves me and is always with me", when he gets afraid at night. It helps some, but this part is hard for me. During prayer time he often asks God to bring his daddy back, "Because he was the best and my favorite." 

Elijah is really enjoying and excelling in Karate, we will be signing him up for the summer.  He and Max earned their orange belts this month and we were so proud!  Elijah is also loving the grief group and learning with his friends at Wednesday Worship. He's been having a better month regarding his grief and is communicating more. Looking at photos, telling stories, and planning to do things "like Dad" helps him to process.  Eli plays his tablet and uses his legos in his free time and is a great cook.  He also has an A average in his schoolwork. 

Christian is also really enjoying and excelling in Karate, he is often used to help demonstrate with the instructor.  He is a great help around the house and enjoys putting things together, including furniture. In his free time Max's been enjoying football games on the tablet, helping with the plants, and hanging with friends.  He even volunteered for the dunk tank at Wednesday Night Church.  He's mostly private with his grieving process but opens up at grief group, with the therapist and in our nightly emails.  Max excels in his schoolwork, especially Math and Reading and has an A average. 

Amira is getting big and has a vast vocabulary. She's an excellent little helper and loves following her big brother Benji around.  She loves going out to the tree swing and trying on everyone's shoes.  Amira loves the band, For King & Country, and sings along to all of their songs.  

Kendall has been coming in clutch as the babysitter for short errands.  She's also been helping prepare dinner, and so far, her red beans & rice with shrimp has been a family hit! Kendall is an A student and is excelling in her studies especially Math and Science.  She enjoys Youth Group, lunch with friends and even got an opportunity to volunteer with the toddlers at church on Easter.  Kendall is looking forward to playing soccer in the fall.  She is such a beautiful young lady and a great artist. She is always finding the light and sharing fun stories about her Dad. 

Me: Last fall, I started my journey as a Notary Public.  This month, I was able to meet with and receive training from an industry professional.  It was good to learn something new and it brought me joy. It was refreshing.  I did many, many hard things this month, including attending a class specifically for loss of spouses. I have felt physical pain this month due to the separation of the team of us,"Pat N' Keisha". It has been brutal. BRUTAL.  

Grief Group for Kids-Niche Ministry

My cousin Jaz called and said, "The Kids told me they had FUN at grief therapy, and it threw me off.  I mean, I was glad but also confused at how fun and grief could go together!" This is when I knew, we had found something good, something safe. 

Shortly after everything happened, a community leader and friend of ours sent over information for grief counseling.  At that time, I wasn't prepared to set it up and was still feeling out our need.  After reaching out to several providers on the list, I realized that finding grief counseling and specifically counseling for kids was going to be a headache in itself. I would have to psych myself up just to dive in and make all of the calls, send all of the emails and subsequently endure the let downs of "So sorry, we're only doing video meetings in your area." After losing such a huge presence in our family, physically, spiritually and mentally, we knew that talking to a computer wasn't going to cut it.

Those first couple months were brutal, and the strugglebus is STILL parked out front. I knew that I needed to build in as much help as possible if we were to survive this blow.  After I completed the paperwork, Susan called me and notified me that there were openings for groups at the church less than five minutes from our home.  Thankful for God's favor, we scheduled to be there in attendance and on time. 

Finding Suncoast kids was a relieving and heartwarming experience.  The ministry is a part of a church in Lutz that mobilizes and sets up in Brandon to provide peer groups for kids.  When we walked in for the first time, we were welcomed with a palpable and somber "we get it, you're safe here."  Although I was super sad at the thought of a group of hurting kids, my heart was blessed to know that there were counselors, caregivers, and administrators living out their Godly purpose of pouring into children who are dealing with significant loss.  This is what we call ministering in the margins. Finding a unique group of people who may feel unseen or misunderstood and coordinating efforts around ministering to and encouraging them. 

 In our friend and family circle, my children are the only children they know without a dad. Even typing that is just excruciating. So, to know that they can go to a group of their peers who are also experiencing a similar loss is helpful. The program doesn't attempt to paint over their grief with fun activities and distractions, but it does provide a place for them to embrace the loss, work through it and learn coping skills to help.  It provides them a safe place to be uniquely cared for while giving them something to look forward to.  

When I first called Suncoast Kids for help, we were placed on a waiting list. A waiting list. I couldn’t even process the disappointment nor the fact that there was a waiting list of children in need of grief care. Everyone is a volunteer and no family is charged a fee for these services. They have groups for children from Kindergarten through High School.   I would love for them to be able to expand and offer play therapy for the little tinies. Watching and listening to my three year old as he processes through this loss is something that I have no words for. I do know that whenever I get over or through this rough patch,  I promised them that I would support them in any way possible for all that they've poured out into my family alone. 

• Max enjoys the projects, collages, and the new therapy Dog, Guiness.
• Kendall appreciates the commitment and compassion of the volunteers.
• Elijah enjoys meeting new friends and getting the grief out
• Joy & Avielle like story time, being able to talk about their person and snack time.
• At the end of the group session, they all light candles for the person they've lost. 

Get Involved — Suncoast Kids Place

Donate — Suncoast Kids Place

At Risk Kids | Bay Hope Church

Joy Riding a Pony at Bay Hope's Easter Extravaganza 

The Bittersweet-ness of Wins

 As we walked in the door from Benjamin's soccer practice, I was in a surprisingly pleasant mood.  My plan was to sit down and blog about the wins of this day. Because let's be honest, this is sad. Brutally sad. So, I can't help but want to be able to encourage and give some glimmer of hope and beauty in every situation.  We made it through the day, it was 7pm and we had avoided any major meltdowns.  Benji started off slow at soccer. For the first time, he didn't want to leave my side. Before he went down for nap, he told me that he wanted to go back to our old house.  I believe that he was expressing that he wanted to go back to normal, and wholeness as he knew it.  We often look at photos, and last night we found a video of our family playing charades in the old house. All of us could be heard...every voice.  The loudest and most resonating being Patrick's.  It's funny how children even as young as Benji can associate things.  If we weren't in this house, bad things wouldn't have happened. Let's go back to the photos, where Daddy is.

Getting back to the story; I came in ready to cook and celebrate Benji pulling through during the soccer scrimmage as Avielle stayed close on the sidelines cheering him on.  I looked up and saw her eyes welling up with tears. Tears turned into crying, crying turned into screaming "I want him BACK, I want Daddy." My heart is already shattered, and in this moment, in it's place was just a stony space.  I was angry. Angry that I couldn't give her what she was asking for.  Angry that God had the power to give him back but is choosing not to.  Little girls deserve their Dad. Especially when they had the very best.  My sister was here to help comfort Avi. One by one, the siblings came over to hug or encourage her.  After about twenty minutes, Joy came over with the piano and Avielle started playing. I heard music, then laughter, then they all started to dance. I want to make sure to say this :THANK YOU TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO IS PRAYING TO THE MOST HIGH GOD ON OUR BEHALF. THESE TESTIMONIES ARE POSSIBLE BECAUSE OF YOUR UNRELENTING LOVE AND PETITIONS.

So here are the wins:

This morning, we all slept in and then hurried out of the house for breakfast. Mondays are  brutal so I had to be proactive and switch up the plan, so we headed to the playground after that.  As the kids played I walked around I was contemplating  "what is this supposed to look like?"  Then, an angel of a human sent me the publishing proof of Patrick's soon-to-be released devotional. I saw light. For the first time, the very first time in all of this darkness, I saw light.  To see this work come to life was the brightest spot in my day for as long as I can remember.  About an hour later, some good friends stopped by with lunch and much needed hugs. We also got to share with them that Max and Eli were promoted in Martial Arts to their yellow belts this weekend. The boys were elated and had worked so hard, but the best compliment came from their instructor on Saturday: 

 "They did really really well and I am very impressed with them.  Not only are they very smart and fast learners and are athletically gifted, but they have really good character.  I asked them to work with the two little new white-belt girls yesterday before class started while I handled other things and I was happy and impressed with how mature and kind they were with the girls."