The Bittersweet-ness of Wins

 As we walked in the door from Benjamin's soccer practice, I was in a surprisingly pleasant mood.  My plan was to sit down and blog about the wins of this day. Because let's be honest, this is sad. Brutally sad. So, I can't help but want to be able to encourage and give some glimmer of hope and beauty in every situation.  We made it through the day, it was 7pm and we had avoided any major meltdowns.  Benji started off slow at soccer. For the first time, he didn't want to leave my side. Before he went down for nap, he told me that he wanted to go back to our old house.  I believe that he was expressing that he wanted to go back to normal, and wholeness as he knew it.  We often look at photos, and last night we found a video of our family playing charades in the old house. All of us could be heard...every voice.  The loudest and most resonating being Patrick's.  It's funny how children even as young as Benji can associate things.  If we weren't in this house, bad things wouldn't have happened. Let's go back to the photos, where Daddy is.

Getting back to the story; I came in ready to cook and celebrate Benji pulling through during the soccer scrimmage as Avielle stayed close on the sidelines cheering him on.  I looked up and saw her eyes welling up with tears. Tears turned into crying, crying turned into screaming "I want him BACK, I want Daddy." My heart is already shattered, and in this moment, in it's place was just a stony space.  I was angry. Angry that I couldn't give her what she was asking for.  Angry that God had the power to give him back but is choosing not to.  Little girls deserve their Dad. Especially when they had the very best.  My sister was here to help comfort Avi. One by one, the siblings came over to hug or encourage her.  After about twenty minutes, Joy came over with the piano and Avielle started playing. I heard music, then laughter, then they all started to dance. I want to make sure to say this :THANK YOU TO EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO IS PRAYING TO THE MOST HIGH GOD ON OUR BEHALF. THESE TESTIMONIES ARE POSSIBLE BECAUSE OF YOUR UNRELENTING LOVE AND PETITIONS.

So here are the wins:

This morning, we all slept in and then hurried out of the house for breakfast. Mondays are  brutal so I had to be proactive and switch up the plan, so we headed to the playground after that.  As the kids played I walked around I was contemplating  "what is this supposed to look like?"  Then, an angel of a human sent me the publishing proof of Patrick's soon-to-be released devotional. I saw light. For the first time, the very first time in all of this darkness, I saw light.  To see this work come to life was the brightest spot in my day for as long as I can remember.  About an hour later, some good friends stopped by with lunch and much needed hugs. We also got to share with them that Max and Eli were promoted in Martial Arts to their yellow belts this weekend. The boys were elated and had worked so hard, but the best compliment came from their instructor on Saturday: 

 "They did really really well and I am very impressed with them.  Not only are they very smart and fast learners and are athletically gifted, but they have really good character.  I asked them to work with the two little new white-belt girls yesterday before class started while I handled other things and I was happy and impressed with how mature and kind they were with the girls."

This Sweet Baby

One of the ways that God has answered prayers for Supernatural comfort, has been with this sweet baby..number 7, Amira. Shortly after everything happened, she seemed to become a big girl overnight.  In the first couple of weeks during our nighttime meltdowns, she would rub our backs and say "It's okay" or "I know, I know" in her endearing little voice.  We knew she didn't understand exactly what was happening, but that God was using her to be a light.  The morning that he went into the hospital, it was like every other morning. Amira woke up and gave me and her Dad a fist bump. As a pandemic baby, this was her normal greeting, and it always brought a big smile to his face. Up until then, hearing "mama " was a rarity. She would wake up and go to sleep with a chorus of "Da-da”.

Shortly after Christmas, a very close family friend came see us before she flew back overseas. The previous time she visited it was a hard day.  But on this day at this moment, I was feeling peace and joy as I reminisced about some of our family's amazing adventures. We’d had so many people at the house, but I never felt compelled to ask anyone to pray for us, but on this day I did. Truthfully, even now prayer is touchy. Some nights the baby would wake up and ask for Daddy and then say to me "Mama, pray." Those nights were hard.  As we formed a circle, Baby Amira was excited to join, and grabbed hands with her siblings.  As our friend began to pray, she was completely overwhelmed with tears and became silent.  When she had no words, Amira chimed in with her baby language at the perfect time, with her eyes shut and ended with “May-man”. (Amen) We all looked up and knew that the Holy Spirit was truly in the midst.

Amira now greets every visitor with hugs, calls each sibling by name and has perfected her imitating skills. She loves to laugh, play outdoors, rap, and has an early obsession with shoes and beef jerky. The mornings have been almost too much to bear, but when she wakes up and says, “good morning mommy”, I have no choice but to thank God for placing a little angel by my bedside.