Messy Grief: Transitions & Traditions Pt 2

    So I'm realizing that this journey is anything but linear. It's ugly, it's raw, it's random and so many other things.  As the season of Fall descended and the holidays started creeping up,  the messiness of the grief became more obvious.  To be happy/sad/grateful/angry/somber at any given time was a regular occurrence.  A few days ago, we had a conversation that really solidified that things would be different from now on, and forever.  

    The days leading up to a big day always seem to be the worst.  The day between Max's 13th birthday and Thanksgiving, the kids decided to start talking about our Christmas tree tradition.  To my surprise they wanted to go and get a live tree again.  "It's tradition," they said.  I snapped back, "So is having a husband and a father to choose the tree and carry it!" I was angry and the grief was so raw. I was trying my best to hold it together and I just blurted that out.  

    I ended up just having to tell them that I couldn't do a tree. I could not come home day after day to a tree that Patrick didn't choose, didn't put up, and wasn't going to come home to.  Just typing that really hit me. It just took me back to last year; I just knew I was going to bring him home. I was sure of it.  The kids were disappointed about the tree,  but I came up with an alternative.  I decided they that they could have a few little trees to decorate and honor Jesus and their Dad's tradition if they wanted to. They would have to keep them in their room.  

    So yes there is the big loss. But then, there are so many tiny secondary losses and realities.  The loss of beloved traditions. The realization that I have to make all of these decisions solo. The reality that someone will be disappointed, either myself or them.  I hate making that choice, but I have to.  I just can't do it.

                                                  *Christmas 2020, Keeping the Tradition*

Messy Grief - Part 1

 Over the years and throughout my time in seminary, I'd read periodically on the topic of grief.  I was curious enough to read about what it could look like and study some components for my biblical counseling coursework. But superstitiously I thought if I researched it too much, I'd be inviting the premature loss of a loved one. I know that's crazy and it's not the most spiritually informed thought, but it's real.  

After our situation happened, I poured over the bible, devotional, books, blogs, vlogs, pamphlets everything I could get my hands on to try to make sense of what had happened.  But I learned quick and fast that nothing would make it make sense, and that a lot of what I was reading was really general or "removed." The authors were speaking from a space of super spirituality that I couldn't get with.  Either that, or they were so far removed from those first initial days and weeks of the pummeling pain that I just couldn't relate.  I had to shut that all down. So, I started writing.  

As I thought about it, of the sermons I've heard in my lifetime, all of the teachings, biblical lament was rarely a focus.  Teaching about that real space where grief and faith intersect was a rare topic. Yet, it is something that will touch us all.  I have more thoughts on this that I'll share in another post. The raw truth is: grief is messy. And for whatever reason, even though it's something that we all will definitely go through, it's hardly referenced.  It's a subject that's rarely attended to or addressed, in and out of the church.  I thought back to when my granddaddy passed.  When I got back in town from his service, we went to serve at our church, and no one asked how we were.  A few people said "awww, I'm sorry" but quickly moved on. My grandfather DIED at 68! He was a pastor, a loving husband, father, grandfather, friend, mentor, etc.  How was I expected to show up at church and just serve the save God who chose not to heal my grandfather from cancer? Thankfully, the loss of Patrick we have experienced a much different more empathetic response, but sheesh!

So, here's what messy grief looks like, in our journey thus far. There are no lines, no calendars, no framework, no way around it.  Here's an example of what messy looks like for us:

• At times I don't ask for help because it reminds me of my void, and it's retraumatizing.
• Other times I don't ask for help because the fear of disappointment and rejection are now higher than ever
• Sometimes my kids will make such a mockery and mess of our house, I'm sure they're protesting a world that makes no sense.  "When I tidy up and put everything in its place like I did before, it won't bring my Dad back. "
• When my kids can't sleep, they miss their Dad. "I never had trouble sleeping when Daddy was here."
• If my kid disobeys or doesn't complete a task, I have to sit and debate whether to be disciplinarian or counselor-maid.
• Sometimes I'll throw out all of my plans and take the kids to four different parks, just so we can be in nature, and I can meltdown and avoid my seemingly insurmountable Mom List at home.
• I struggle to believe that God can make something beautiful out of this.
• Sometimes on birthdays I open sob with my kids. Many times they are strong for me, too. 
• When I enjoy something, I wonder if my kids worry that I'm healed and over it. Of course, they don't but the fact that I have to even monitor those thoughts is exhausting. 
• I don't think I'll ever be able to hear or use the word "miss" again aside from this situation. It no longer means the same thing.
• Sometimes I type, "My phone battery is low on power" instead of "my phone d*ed". Like it's that deep.
• They hate this house without their Dad in it. This is the house where our lives changed forever. Another reason why getting them to do chores is a struggle sometimes. No amount of order in the house will restore what we've lost. Contrarily, I struggle to function in mess.
• The hardest thing to try to do is to keep your kids motivated to do anything, set goals, look to the future, for two reasons:1) Because whatever they face, Patrick won't be here. 2)The reward for people seeking after God, living a life of love and service abruptly ends with them being promoted to heaven and leaving a slew of heartbroken loved ones behind. Thankfully God handles this for me, I don't even try to make it make sense. 

39: Getting Ahead of Pat's Birthday(edited)

I remember it clearly. I was sitting alone downstairs on our gray sofa one night, getting ready to head up to bed. As the YouTube video I was watching ended, the "watch next" suggestion was a preview of  a newsstory: "Chadwick Boseman Dead at age 43." I froze. I was stunned. My eyes were glued to the thumbnail. I didn't want to press play. I couldn't understand what I was reading. I didn't know Mr. Boseman, but like most of us I was a fan.  I appreciated his acting skills and his remarkable ability to bring to life one of my family's favorite superheroes, Black Panther.  Watching him on screen, full of life and vibrance and now gone at thirty-nine years old was unsettling to say the least. 

    Patrick was usually pretty chill about his birthday.  The only time it became a really big deal was in 2018 when we hoped that Benjamin would be born on his birthday but instead, he was born the day before.  On October 17, 2021, less than two months before his passing, Patrick turned 39. Thirty-nine isn't really an eventful age. Perhaps some may celebrate it as the last year of their thirties. But I can't imagine that anyone would think of it as their last year of life on this earth.

     I remember sensing that Patrick needed some encouragement. So, I reached out to some friends and family and asked them to send messages so that I could print them out and present Patrick with a box full of blessings & uplifting notes.  I noticed that as he opened each of them, he smiled.  Reading how much he meant to so many was good for his soul. " Ironically, several weeks later I would be creating another box of blessings for us, his bereaved family, full of notes of encouragement and stories of appreciation for his life.

Yesterday, we all sat down as a family and watched the new trailer for Black Panther 2. When it was over, we all cheered.  Patrick was a huge marvel fan, and the Black Panther movies took it to a new level! As we sat there processing all of the possibilities of the sequel's plot, we realized how hard this must have been for the cast since Chadwick is no longer with us.  So, the tears they cried on screen, were probably real and their hearts must have been heavy as they walked out this reality in real life and in the storyline.  Patrick is not here to enjoy this movie with us.  We can all hear his cheers and excitement in our heads.  His passion and enthusiasm for things came from pure places of appreciation.  Just watching his over-the-top reaction to things was a thrill in itself.  I miss his reactions; We all do. 

I didn't think age thirty-nine would be this significant; Patrick's last year on this side, and my first year as a widow. There, I typed it. I still can't believe it. 

*The Kids named our Black Van "Tchalla" and would do this Wakanda tribute as they entered*

He was just here: Story of Two Photos

For the past week I've been working on photo projects, and I came across these two ...for a second time.  A few months ago, I saw these and I honestly didn't know how to process it. I still don't. One of the things I'm so grateful for, is the fact that I took photos and videos of almost everything.  But in the process, I learned to take several quick snaps in order to capture the right moment.  Often, I was trying to simply get all of the kids to look at the camera at the same time.  On this day, Patrick took the kids fishing. It was one of many times; he loved to fish.  Almost every time, it would take us forever to get set up only for one of the kids to have to potty and the whole trip would be a wrap. Or they would start arguing and scare the fish away.  They didn't understand that the entire pastime was predicated on peace, stillness, patience and quiet. The kids were just happy to be with their dad, doing anything.  And thankfully, I was in the background recording the moments.  

When I looked back at the photos, I realized that I snapped them a few milliseconds apart.  In one, Patrick hadn't yet walked into the frame and then in the other he had just walked in. But Avielle is in the same spot. Scrolling through the pics in reverse, it seems like one second, he was there, and the next he wasn't.  This is painful, this still feels mean and wrong. One day Avielle said, "God heard Dad telling me that he couldn't wait to babysit my kids when I grew up, and He still took HIM!" 

Hail! Mary! - Storytime

 A few months ago, I got to a place where I was reliving every moment of Patrick's six days in the hospital.  Although I have no medical experience, I was grateful to have my best friend, a respiratory therapist, nearby to help me work through it.  One night, I got that feeling, "Did they do everything? Did they do their best to save Patrick?"  I'm sure this is common, but I remember feeling God's grace in that moment.  Looking back, I know it was Him keeping those thoughts at bay. Because honestly, regardless... here we are and I'm sure those questions at that time could have driven me into a dark, dark place making daily functionality impossible.  Nevertheless, I had to confront them and work through it. I sent my best friend a video message babbling, it was late.  I remember asking, "At the hospital, when you lose someone, is there a meeting? How does everyone know that they did everything they could have to save the person?" I did not get an answer back that night.  

The next morning, a close friend had come over to do some handyman work for us. It was quite a busy day and I was running! It started out rocky because Elijah was struggling and, in his grief, he was being snappy.  We both raised our voices, and I declared a full time out. After I cooled off, I came back and told him that I understood how he was feeling and asked if there was anything he wanted to ask me.  He blurted out, "Yeah, Mom what happened? On that day, what happened?" I told him that I was glad he asked and that I waiting for the right time to tell him.  I assured him that I was an open book and when he felt his heart could take it, I'd share whatever I could.  I began telling him about the day and about one part in particular. 

 "When I walked into the hospital that morning, one of the head nurses, Mary, hugged me.  She didn't strike me as the affectionate type but since we had spent several days together, I figured I was growing on her.  But she didn't let go, she hugged me tightly and that sent off an alarm.  Even then I remember thinking "You don't have to hold me that tight lady, he's going to be fine."

After I told Elijah the details as best as I could, he seemed to feel a little lighter. We all got in the car to drop him off to PE at the local school for his forty-five-minute class.  For some reason I asked the kids, "Do you want to go to the park on Parsons?" We never go to the park on Parsons, especially when Elijah is at PE.  The park is right near the hospital. It's where we dropped Patrick off for the last time.  To my surprise they agreed to go, so I started up the road.  I know this town like the back of my hand, after being in the area for over a decade. But oddly on this day, I got turned around. I realized I wasn't on the right street. So, after making a few turns, I ended up on Parsons. For the first time, I felt super anxious driving past the hospital. As I got past it, I saw a little lady in full scrubs walking along the lake between the hospital parking garage and the playground. It was Nurse Mary; I would recognize her anywhere.

When I saw her my face flooded with tears.  I immediately pulled over in a dirt parking lot across from where she was walking. The kids were slightly alarmed trying to figure out what I had seen and why I was frantically pulling over.  I jumped out of the van, clad in Pat's Preservation Church t-shirt and oversized flip flops, and ran over to her waving my arms. I now realize how maniacal I may have appeared, but I couldn't stop myself. As I ran toward her yelling "Mary, Mary", she stopped, looked around and pulled up her mask.  I was across the street, running to her full speed.  She was an elderly woman, so I'm sure all kinds of things ran through her head, but she braced herself as she realized that she had technically no other option.  

When I got to her, I told her that I was Patrick Wheeler's wife and that I wanted to thank her for taking good care of my Baby. She truly was an excellent nurse; she gave me all of the reports and she cared for him in an "overprotective grandma" sort of way.  Mary replied in a quivering voice, "We loved him, and we love you. Keep taking good care of those babies." Then, I got the answer to the question that God heard me ask the night before. "Mary, but did y'all do everything? Did you do everything you could for him, are you sure?", I asked desperately. She replied "Baby, we did. We absolutely did."

Pat N' Keisha (Spring 2017)

"Big Jump, Mommy!"

     As I sat out on the deck on our first family vacation since 2019, I stood up and looked out over the marina admiring the boats and the beautiful water. It was Father's Day, and I was missing my person immensely. Mostly because I knew how much he would’ve loved this spot. It was a new adventure and finding relaxing accommodations for our family’s size and standard was quite the chore. So, we were usually slow to try new places.  Sitting there in a daze, I knew baby Amira was close by. She is usually in my pocket.  She was jumping up and down watching her reflection in the paned patio door. One of the times she jumped so high it surprised me! " Wow, do it again! ", I nudged.  Amira proudly jumped again. She then turned to me and asked, "And again?" "Yes", I said with a smile. 

     After about a half dozen jumps Amira looked at me with a big smile, "Mommy, jump! Big jump, Mommy!" But I didn’t want to jump. I don’t want to jump. Big jumps, little jumps- I don’t want to.  Jumping is laborious and seemingly unbecoming of a mom- of -many in her late thirties. It's awkward. But my sweet therapy baby wanted me to join in her moment of wonder. Of course, I started to cry. Making the decision of whether to jump or let her down added to the emotional overwhelm that was already so heavy in that moment. Like she usually does, Amira came over, lifted my head with her tiny hand and said, " It’s OK Mommy." So, I mustered all of the strength I had, and I jumped.  I’m sure that’s going to have some poetic and prophetic meaning at some point in the future, that’s why I’m putting it here. But I don’t feel it right now. I’m just here... not wanting to jump. 

Family Updates For May

May kind of zoomed by, which I'm not sure is a good thing or a bad thing. There were days, moments that were almost unbearable.  We had one of the worst nights we've had since December. It all boils down to this: we just want our person back. I know that sounds crazy. I know the experts will say we're circling through the stages of grief and are back at denial, but we want our person back. We do. Be that as it may, the outpouring of support, stories and shared grief has helped us muster the strength to make it through May.

So here are the wins:

A List of Beautiful Things

• A friend gifted Joy and I a "Mommy and Me" decorating class and we enjoyed our time together
• The kids played the piano and sang on stage at our church for the first time in 2022 and since our loss.  Thanks to everyone who showed up physically and virtually to support my babies at the recital. They did the hard thing, and my heart was proud.
• We survived Mother's Day. A day that Patrick and the kids made me feel so special. The community showed UP and covered me in a way that was completely overwhelming. I was even able to walk into a bible study group and thank some of the prayer warriors in person. That was a first.  
• My sister went to Mexico for work and brought us back the coolest gifts and authentic treats to try. The kids felt rich with their pesos and custom-made purses and wallets. 
• My brother -in -law got to attend Family Night with us at Kids' grief group. It was an unforgettable experience.
• A couple of friends joined us for our new "Sundae Sundays" tradition, where we get ice cream or frozen yogurt in this case in honor of Patrick. 
• One of our closest friends graduated, and we had family fun celebrating at her party.
• The.Book.Was.FINISHED! The Kindle edition was published as we await the first hardcopy. That project in itself was...I felt like I was floating. There was no way I was "there" while doing all of the things that needed to be completed and turned in to the publisher for this work. 

Family Updates

Joy is starting to enjoy her Sunday Class more and more. She is opening up in karate and even earned a yellow belt! The girl is making moves and looking forward to first grade.  When I see her interacting with friends and coming into her own, it makes my heart happy because I know how hard it must be to press through.  She is aptly named, and although I can tell when she needs extra hugs, I appreciate all of your prayers for my baby. God hears. 

Avielle has had a better month than the last. She is growing so much, reading a lot and expressing her feelings well. She even wrote a blog post that we will share within the coming weeks. Avielle is wise beyond her years.  However, she is still taking this very hard. She is the feeler of the group, the biggest empath of us all. Her heart is tender and her love for others runs deep. She also got promoted again in karate and is one step closer to earning her orange belt. I've noticed that she does better when she has one on one time with friends, and a few crazy schedules made that less possible this month.  Since grief group is ending, she will be seeing the therapist specializing and play/art therapy who works with Ben and Joy.  One thing that made her elated was being able to search and buy Daddy's book. She also loves when we get to go to the pool.

Benjamin is such a sweet kid. He is always the first to want to start the compliment circle that we do at bedtime.  He wants to hug everyone all the time, and he is truly a giver.  Benji is super lovable and is enjoying Sunday class at church.  He was disappointed when Wednesday Night church ended. That was hard for him as routines are crucial during this time. Thankfully, we picked up and started gymnastics at the Y and is loving it.  He finished his soccer season by scoring a winning goal! He received a medal and a certificate and was very proud of himself. He is still struggling with regulating his emotions and having several meltdowns but that's to be expected. Benji prays every night "Lord we just need your help; we need our Daddy back."  Overall, he is a strong, smart, kind, and fun-loving toddler. 

Elijah is really enjoying and excelling in Karate and still our little mathematician and maintains a high A Average.  He LOVES the water, so any time we can get to swim he enjoys it and seems to be refreshed. It's been a struggly month for him, lots of somber days. But he communicates well and even wrote a blog post to share soon.  Many times, I've noticed him go upstairs and start to play piano. I think it calms him down, and also helps him to fine tune his craft. He's a very gifted kid, and I get angry along with him when he yells "I just want my Dad!" I feel him, and he deserves his Dad.

Christian is continuing to excel at karate and in school, particularly math.  He got invited to an in-person audition in for a local film June so he's looking forward to that. Christian also got his first opportunity to volunteer for a vacation bible school in the area. Next month, he will be leading worship for the kindergarteners, which I know he will love.  Rough month for my sonny boy, though. More somber days coupled with a lot of confusion and sadness. He doesn't talk about it much, so his blog post was really a big deal.  I make sure to check on his heart often, and he does the same for me.   I know he is trying to make sense of his faith right now, but I'm so glad he is pressing in to it. As he put it "I love Jesus, I know God is real, but I'm mad." 

Amira has had a few more days this month where she has cried out for Daddy, and I wasn't expecting that. Mostly though, she is happy, bright and kind of bossy.  This month she started going to each person saying "Go 'head, PRAY!" And because she is who she is, we stop whatever we are doing and eek out whatever prayer we can.  God is still using this little therapy baby.  I was having a brutally hard moment and she just started singing "He is FOR you, He is FOR you" from the song The Blessing. She sang it over and over and over again. My one year old , unprompted, sang over me in my despair.  I've witnessed God use her before, and this time was no exception. Amira is very independent and has mastered speaking in full, complete sentences. My favorite thing to hear her say is, "I love you so much mommy, K?"

Kendall is definitely is a bright spot in this situation.  She inherited many things from her dad, and one of my favorites is, her ability to start each day afresh believing that she will see the goodness of the Lord.  She prays every night for everyone who was at "Dad's heaven party." Every single night. We were going to start her in a leadership program at the Y but it got postponed. So we will be signing her up for various volunteer opportunities and then volleyball camp in the late summer. She did get an opportunity to take some classes at the Y and go shopping with a friend and enjoyed it.  She is always finding the light and sharing fun stories about her Dad, hopefully she will blog more this summer as well. 

Me: This month started out with me doing one of the hardest of things: Going back to our church and sharing the instructions that Patrick gave me regarding our ministry, before his passing.  (I will post that story and the speech at another time.) But this month there were several bright spots.  I can honestly say that I have felt God wipe away my tears and hold the pieces of my heart together on many occasions. At other times, I've fallen completely apart in disbelief. Like "what.just.happened?" One of the good things was receiving my first direct client as a loan signing agent. Not only was the closing successful, but I received my first five-star rating.  It felt like God personally set up a much-needed win...and I'll take all of them that I can get.

                                     

                                                  *All Photos used with permission

Celebrating the Wins; Every Single One

Yesterday was a rainy, dreary day. The kind of day that lends no light to our struggly situation. But I woke with a burden to share the wins with all of the prayer warriors. I am so humbled by the creative ways people have found to bless us during this season. But for those who ask, "What do you need?" I reply, "Please don't stop praying. I don't want to know how this feels without the covering of the prayers of God's people." So, here are those wins and answered prayers:

• THE BABIES ARE SINGING!!!

If you read the very first blog post, you will know exactly why that statement above is bolded and in all caps. A young lady who is a super talented, music aficionado has a music studio and teaches my littles. The way she seems to show up in the nick of time to be a blessing is why I've often dubbed her our "manifested angel." Elijah and Joy will be playing their piano pieces and the other kiddos will be singing. We hope to stream it live from our ministry's Facebook page or record and post it afterwards.  

• Being Honored in the Community 

 A community partner reached out to me to create and organize an award and dedication in Patrick's honor.  A few months ago, I was not ready to even discuss it. She was very gracious, and this week I was able to do a hard thing by finalizing the details.  I pressed on and assisted with the planning and found it to be mildly therapeutic. It felt like a part of my "old normal."  We truly love the community, and he was always looking forward to every opportunity to share love, laughs and an encouraging word with others.  So, to know that someone wanted to honor his legacy in this way truly blessed me at a time that I needed all of the beautiful things. 

• The Book is Ready
  

Today I received word from our publisher that Patrick's book of devotions is ready for print! The team has been a godsend and very encouraging throughout this process.  Their patience and professionalism have been a bright spot during this time of confounding darkness.  I will post later on the backstory of this work.  Just to see something new springing forth from this...I don't even know what to call it...brings me measured joy. To see his words, stories and admonitions is life-giving. 

Keep The Flowers Comin'

On our first Valentine's Day as a married couple, I remember seeing the florist walk through the parking lot with two beautiful bouquets of red roses. I thought possibly, he had a few deliveries to make. Nope. Patrick sent me two dozen roses for the special occasion. When I called to thank him, I asked "Why two, babe?" He said, "because everyone is going to get at least one, but you're extra special and I want that to be known." He was a hopeless romantic, me...not so much. But it was truly enchanting to see his love for me on display, constantly.  For the rest of our marriage, I would continue to be showered with roses not only on holidays, but on those "just because I went to Sam's Club" occasions as well.

The next day after I shared of Patrick's promotion to heaven, the flowers began pouring in. My cousin RiShard sent the first beautiful delivery. Every day leading up to the services, flowers were delivered from near and far.  For Christmas, we received flowers. My birthday, New Year's Eve, more flowers. Valentine's Day/Avielle's birthday, still more blossoming flowers.  A couple of weeks ago, I saw some gorgeous tulips in the supermarket and just had to grab them.  For Joy's Birthday, more fresh, fragrant flowers.

This past struggly Saturday, we hurried and got dressed to head to my sister's for brunch. On our way, I saw a huge sign that read "Plant Sale." I felt the most genuine, yet foreign, smile spread across my face.  Seeing those vivid, green, living things made my heart happy. The kids saw my reaction and encouraged me to stop and shop, and I did. 

A family friend caught up with me and asked, "What do you need? I wanted to send you flowers but is that cliche?" I replied, "Send the flowers, please." Any living, vibrant, fragrant delivery spurred by the thoughtfulness of others during this time of seemingly unrelenting shock and sadness is welcome. And Perfect. 

Family Updates For March

March has been a long, long, and eventful month. I wanted to give short updates on each of us. For all of the prayer warriors, thanks so much for keeping us lifted up. This month I think we all learned and appreciated even more the blessing of great family and friends.  Daily check-ins and meetups where we feel loved and safe to just be "us" is a true treasure, and a lifeline.  

A list of Beautiful Things

• We went to get the oil changed on the van, and when the manager learned of our story, they took care of the bill and gave us their condolences.  
• Last week we had a couple of therapy sessions that were early in the morning. We had to hit the drive through for breakfast twice, at two different spots, and both times the cars in front of us took care of our orders.  
• We were able to get switched to an office for play/art therapy for Ben & Joy. The provider linked up with another colleague to be able to offer her services In-Network. It's closer to us, a better setup for the waiting family members & is now covered by insurance. 
• We started a "Midweek Ministry" at our home on Wednesdays, where we make up bags of snacks and scriptures for the delivery drivers in our neighborhood.
• A Beautiful Friend went to Paris and brought us back some awesome souvenirs. 
• A close family friend came to take the boys for laser tag and some guy time.
• Tee Kan & Unc took the kids for fun times at the park and petting zoo
• The kids enjoyed our homeschool math unit study which included opening up their own savings accounts, learning about interest and investing in stocks.
• Kendall and I got a chance to do another Mommy & Daughter sushi date, talked and had a good time.

Family Updates

*Kendall shared with me and the therapist that she is feeling much more joy lately.  She believes that this is what Dad would want and says she feels the prayers working. That is a HUGE praise report for sure! She loves being with friends, reading and being creative. 

*Benjamin is loving riding his bike, responding well in play/art therapy, and started soccer this week! He said, "I made ALL the friends" and loved having us on the sidelines rooting him on. He also got his first big boy haircut!  Although he's sleeping a little better, he's having nightmares often. From my understanding, this is normal.

*Joy is praying aloud more and is also enjoying solo time with friends.  She is starting to open up more in therapy but is struggling with a lot of anger. She does look forward to kids' grief group.  Daddy was her world. Joy is pressing on in continuing to learn piano. Some days are very tough but I'm grateful for her teacher who is extremely understanding and kind. Joy also loves watching "Bake Squad".

*Max is growing in teen grief group and is talking more and more in individual therapy. He really enjoys Wednesday night youth church. He is missing his dad, ALOT. He and I talk every night via email and share scriptures and struggles trying to keep each other afloat.  He is a great helper around the house and takes frequent trips out to ride his hoverboard to clear his head.  Max is also very close to getting his first belt in Martial Arts, which he really enjoys. 

*It's been a good weekly break for Elijah to continue PE at the local school. Once a week he also sees their school counselor and seems to look forward to speaking with her and bringing home info and tips for the rest of us. This month has really hit Elijah hard, very hard.  Lots of triggers and down days. I'm thankful that he opens up to me, and we can cry together and laugh together as well.  He's still doing well in piano and is close to getting his first belt in Martial Arts.  Elijah enjoys video games and audio books about animals and nature.  

*Amira is continuing to perfect her skill of mimicking everyone in the house. She's very smart and also a little bossy. She is still our little comforting angel, gives many hugs and affectionately replies   " I love you TOO."

*Avielle is doing very well in martial arts; she was even helping to show a few newer kids the moves. She also looks forward to Wednesday night church and kids' grief group.  Avi has a tender heart and is very empathetic to other families in our situation which sometimes can be a hindrance when processing her own grief.  She did enjoy her first individual therapy session, but also struggles with some pinned up anger. 

*I don't have much of an update about myself right now. Other than the fact that I'm grateful to be surrounded by family, friends, counselors, pastors and prayer warriors because I have no words. 

It Was Just Gettin' Good!

One of the things that I never knew I would be so grateful for, was the fact that our kids feel free to speak openly about all of the things.  Even for my sons, it doesn't take much prodding before they realize that I am a safe person for them to trust with their most intimate thoughts, fears, and struggles. Elijah and I have always had a unique relationship. He was the transition child in many ways. Several life changes transpired when I became pregnant and gave birth to him. One of those changes was the start of my journey as a Stay at Home Mom.  This would eventually morph into a few other roles including master's student mom, work from home mom, homeschool mom , boss mom , etc.  

One day last week, I'm not sure what sparked the conversation, but Elijah and I were sitting down reminiscing about how 2021 came for the jugular and was an unexpectedly crazy year.  We had all survived 2020, which was a complete miracle in itself . With the face coverings, lockdowns, and live streaming and the birth of our beautiful seventh baby,  it was a year of historic proportions.

I remember posting on Facebook something to the effect of:

               "2021, I need you to come in, sit down, shut up, and don't touch nothin!" 

I believe we were all cruising into the year with some hope that normalcy would return.   The year started out for us with our first family pet, Ali the turtle.  Elijah wanted it so badly, and although Patrick and I joked about the kids misplacing the turtle somewhere in the house and waking in a panic; he gave in.  A couple months later, Patrick wanted to up the ante and get a dog, so we got a cute little pit puppy named "Blue". The kids lost it, they were so excited, but of course I couldn't believe that I had another "kid" to look after.  Patrick understood and did his best to teach the kids to be responsible and take care of Blue.  In addition, we had decided to get our house ready to take advantage of the seller's market.  We had built the house from the ground up, and our kids had called it home for almost seven years.  We didn't realize at the time how this move would affect us all, emotionally.  

As Elijah put it, "we had just survived a lot of changes, started to settle down, and even bought our Christmas tree.  And then WHAM!" He was right. There was no way that this was on our radar at all. I can't even explain it. What we thought would be a normal Saturday of shopping for and ministering to our neighbors in the mobile home park, turned into something beyond our imagination.  Christmas was his favorite holiday.  I was so grateful that we had been able to follow our tradition of picking a tree together and decorating it with the kids while drinking hot cocoa. 

                                                                                                                                                               

This entire thing feels like a gut punch, or in Elijah's words "it feels like an airplane landed on me."

I'm sorry, but I can't commit

One of the things that I loved most about my relationship with Patrick, was that we willingly CHOSE to do life together.  Neither one of us felt like we were missing anything before, but once we met, we were inseparable.  It was a God thing.  We had our own visions for how our lives would play out. For instance, he told me, "Before you, I never really saw myself being married. I was just going to be that cool uncle with the really good job that came home for Christmas with lots of presents."  Even in the emergency room, I reminded him "It was either you or no one. If I was going to experience love, it would have only been with the fullness in which you loved me, or not at all." (There will be another post on how we met)

With that being said, each and every day in this current reality is...beyond belief. No part of this mission was meant to be done solo. We were better together. Our lives were so intertwined that we could practically be blindfolded with one hand tied behind our backs and would get the task accomplished with synchronized movements and motions. The teamwork truly made the dream work.  So, trying to plan anything, even a doctor's appointment means that I'm committing to knowing and accepting that Patrick won't be there to meet me.  I won't have to send him a note to put it on his calendar.  Even typing that, I know someone reading this just broke down, and I'm sorry.  I can't even comprehend why I would have even typed that, but I did. 

So, no I won't be able to commit to that. Thank you for the invite, thank you for thinking of us, we appreciate the offer we just cannot commit to much other than getting up and allowing God to comfort us and show us His love and supernatural comfort each day. This is just where I am.