Therapy: 9 Month Update

Today it's been nine months since our loss.  When I woke up it was dreary outside, and I already knew what I was up against. But the boys had back-to-back basketball games, so I knew that we had to get up and out.  I was fussing, the house was a mess, but we had to go.  We got to the Y and met a sister who was taking the girls on a breakfast date, and of course my sister showed up with smiles & snacks to cheer on her nephews. After the game, we had small meltdown but got in the car to head home to clean and prepare to do some kind of activity to look forward to. That's been a staple and truly a lifeline for us. However, it started storming. So here I am, blogging with a sleeping baby girl in my arms. 

Someone asked me how things were going with counseling and as I've said before, "No one has come out of an office telling us that this was all a dream, and we can wake up now. So, I guess it's going just okay." The truth is, in one twenty-four-hour period, my kids had kid's grief support group, a one-on-one therapy session, karate, and still came home had a full-blown meltdown; which caused a domino effect.  I grabbed the kids, put them in the car and drove to the nearest safe-house. Our friends asked no questions, took the kids in, shared their grandparents, gave hugs, baked cookies, and I picked them back up and we went home for prayer and bed. Sometimes, that's how our day looks.  Here is an overall glimpse at the grief supports we have in place.

Counseling

At the moment, all of us are receiving counseling on a weekly or biweekly basis with the exception of Christian and Kendall.  Elijah sees a new male therapist who has had some similar experiences and is doing well.  My sister and I are with the same group of Christian therapists we've seen since December, specifically Catrina.  I have even had the opportunity to bring in some friends into a session as we all cried and attempted to process this craziness. Avielle, Joy, Benjamin and Amira enjoy their time in play/art therapy with Katherine. She is very in tuned with our family, our story, and has been a great support to us all.  The office is so welcoming and comfortable.  The older kids who are waiting are able to do schoolwork in the lobby, and her office is spacious and  has a hammock that all of the kids love.   

Grief Group

Thankfully, Suncoast Kids started back up and we missed the leaders and some of our friends from the last session. Sadly, seeing all of those new faces who had recently gone through similar losses sent a few of us home with aching hearts.  No one wants to be here, in this space.  Max said it best, "I hated to see them because I knew that they didn't know that it was getting ready to hurt a lot worse. " But each of us agreed, that we would make it a point to be someone for the new families to lean on. 

ExtraCurriculars

The kids are still involved in karate, basketball, sports discovery, boxing fitness, and piano.  Recently we joined a homeschool co-op where the kids take three subjects with their peers and that's been an excellent source of support, fellowship, and accountability for all of us. 

Children/Youth Ministry

One of the things that I'm most grateful for, is the Children/Youth Programming at our local church.  When this happened to us, I would have not been surprised if the kids wanted to take a step back from faith related activities. But they did not; they leaned in.  They love seeing friends, hearing the stories, studying the bible and playing games.  Although, sometimes they have come home with more questions or stories about how they were trigged by Jesus healing someone in the bible and not their dad. I get it.  But I'm glad that they keep talking and keep leaning on God. He's the only one who can fix this. 

One-on-Ones

One of my favorites has been One-on-ones. I got a chance to get with my sister and just enjoy coffee at the local cafe.  Just seeing her face, and giving her hugs is so very helpful for us both.  In addition to that, she and my brother-in-law have taken some of the kids off just for solo time. It's something that I wish I could do more, but it's complicated. I've had friends come to take the kiddos for lunch, shopping, fishing, breakfast, golf, etc.  Having my family, and our faith family come through to treat our kids to some special solo time has been one of the most effective helps during this season. 

Friend Therapy

I zoomed a friend and cried. That was the whole call.

My kids walked into their friends' houses and got hugs from them, their parents, and even grandparents. I picked them up with smiles on their faces. Elijah sent me an email while he was there saying "I'm sorry I was acting out." I replied, "I'm sorry that you even have to go through this." 

Friends send me scripture and prayers, and check-in throughout the day to make sure we don't feel alone. 

One of the most effective types of therapy has been "Friend therapy." Seeing our friends, our people, who love us and loved Patrick well-is the most beneficial of all things.  

Counseling, Coping & Community: 6 Month Update

When people ask how we are doing, there is still no answer for that. Hopefully, the blog posts give a good indication of how we can be all over the place and in the same exact place on any given day. This makes no sense to us, but God is providing grace, love, support, comfort and continually meeting our tangible needs.  For that, we are grateful. Most people tell us to "expect a drop off in support as people will go on about their lives." But I cannot tell you how blessed I am to say that in our case, this isn't true. The support has been unending. 

In addition to our family and our close friends, here is a snapshot of what we have in place to help us along this uncharted and undesirable path.

Extracurricular Activities: (weekly) We are currently transitioning for the summer, but I have enrolled the kids in several creative and athletic outlets to get out their "big energy" and honestly give them something to look forward to.   Christian, Elijah, Avielle and Joy are enjoying and excelling in karate.  Benjamin is in gymnastics. We take Amira to open gymnastics, and she will be doing soccer in the fall.  Kendall starts art class next week and will try volleyball camp this summer.  Christian is still acting, and all of the kids will be participating in Vacation Bible School either as volunteers or participants.  Avielle and Elijah are set for Kid's worship camp where they will learn to sing, write and run the tech for worship service.  Boys are also trying their hand at basketball this summer at the Y.  Since all the kids love the water, swim lessons will be a high priority again this summer. 

Counseling: (Weekly)We currently have two different counseling setups. One is a Christian Counseling Group we've been seeing since the week of the Memorial Service.  I try to get in biweekly myself, and depending on the children and their needs, I will cycle them through on the other appointments.  The oldest four usually rotate in, depending on either their choice or observed behaviors/grief patterns during the week.  They have been very understanding and accommodating and we are grateful that it's close to our home.  In addition, the younger kids see a counselor who specializes in play/art therapy for younger children. I got to interview her via phone a few months back and was instantly impressed with her knowledge and her warmth. Avielle saw her for the first-time last week and told me that her time was helpful. As a backup, I also have a telehealth counseling service should the need arise.

Kid's Grief Group: (Bi-monthly) At the end of May was the last grief group for the kids until August. It was bittersweet as everyone seemed sad to say goodbye, the staff and counselors have been a godsend.  It was a short stint for us, so I think that even my kiddos were struggling as another one of their activities was coming to an end. Grief doesn't seem to take a moment off, so trying to navigate this through these months will be interesting. I'm thankful that they have another family event scheduled for July. It will be great to see everyone again.  Since we homeschool year-round, the "summer off" rhythm that many others seem to follow isn't familiar to us. I'll be back to update on what we find to fill this space, soon.

Church Community: I'm proud to say that we have four churches whose communities are united in serving and undergirding our family during this time.  This is what we call "the Body of Christ, being the Body of Christ", and I'm so honored and grateful for the covering. Some members provide biblical teaching and fellowship for our children. Others provide a safe space for when I am up to attending worship service. They also provide grief education and support for us and our support system.  Some brothers and sisters rotate weekly deliveries of family meals and helps with handyman work and cleaning. Another beautiful group of people check in with us on a daily basis, come by for quick hugs and drop small "thinking of you" gifts.  A few brothers and sisters open their homes as a haven for some solo time for my children saying, "whatever you need, whenever they need a moment-bring them here."  We also have at least five pastor-counselor-friends who check in on us several times a week providing counseling, prayer, and a listening ear.

Prayer Warriors: These are the friends of friends...of friends. The immediate family, non-immediate family. The coworkers of Aunties, the bible study group\members, the mother -in-laws of church members, Patrick's former colleagues, old classmates, online friends, former professors, ministers, pastors, children, music students, cashiers, delivery drivers, etc.  For all of the texts, calls, emails, letters, cards, etc. I can't even...I could never thank you all for continuing to petition the Father on our behalf.   

The Symbolism of the Pot-by Kendall

Hey everyone, It's Kendall here!

I thought I would share with you an experience we had this past Thursday in grief group. It was family night, so we were all grouped together, and our little siblings, mom and Uncle Leon got to join in. For the activity, they gave us a clay pot which symbolized our life before the loss. They took us outside and asked us to drop it on the concrete symbolizing our now broken life. Next, we headed back inside and were instructed to take the pieces and write on the inside our feelings about the loss, and on the outside, what helped us to cope.  Now here comes the tricky part, they wanted us to piece the pot back together. We tried the entire time, and we could not put it all together again. People even came by to help, but we couldn’t figure it out.  Every other family’s pot was put together nicely but some of our pieces were dust at that point; making it nearly impossible to put back together. Our pot was dropped very hard, just like our life. It didn't take me long to say without knowing the depth of my words “I don’t think we will ever be able to put this pot back the way it was’’. Then it hit me, I was correct. The pot had reassured what we thought. Dad was a very crucial part in all of our lives, and without him our lives will never be the same. I have never seen a human love people as much as my dad, and I want to model him in that and in many other ways.  He loved everyone, no matter where you came from or your situation. Thank you all for taking the time to read this. I love each and everyone of you.

Family Updates For March

March has been a long, long, and eventful month. I wanted to give short updates on each of us. For all of the prayer warriors, thanks so much for keeping us lifted up. This month I think we all learned and appreciated even more the blessing of great family and friends.  Daily check-ins and meetups where we feel loved and safe to just be "us" is a true treasure, and a lifeline.  

A list of Beautiful Things

• We went to get the oil changed on the van, and when the manager learned of our story, they took care of the bill and gave us their condolences.  
• Last week we had a couple of therapy sessions that were early in the morning. We had to hit the drive through for breakfast twice, at two different spots, and both times the cars in front of us took care of our orders.  
• We were able to get switched to an office for play/art therapy for Ben & Joy. The provider linked up with another colleague to be able to offer her services In-Network. It's closer to us, a better setup for the waiting family members & is now covered by insurance. 
• We started a "Midweek Ministry" at our home on Wednesdays, where we make up bags of snacks and scriptures for the delivery drivers in our neighborhood.
• A Beautiful Friend went to Paris and brought us back some awesome souvenirs. 
• A close family friend came to take the boys for laser tag and some guy time.
• Tee Kan & Unc took the kids for fun times at the park and petting zoo
• The kids enjoyed our homeschool math unit study which included opening up their own savings accounts, learning about interest and investing in stocks.
• Kendall and I got a chance to do another Mommy & Daughter sushi date, talked and had a good time.

Family Updates

*Kendall shared with me and the therapist that she is feeling much more joy lately.  She believes that this is what Dad would want and says she feels the prayers working. That is a HUGE praise report for sure! She loves being with friends, reading and being creative. 

*Benjamin is loving riding his bike, responding well in play/art therapy, and started soccer this week! He said, "I made ALL the friends" and loved having us on the sidelines rooting him on. He also got his first big boy haircut!  Although he's sleeping a little better, he's having nightmares often. From my understanding, this is normal.

*Joy is praying aloud more and is also enjoying solo time with friends.  She is starting to open up more in therapy but is struggling with a lot of anger. She does look forward to kids' grief group.  Daddy was her world. Joy is pressing on in continuing to learn piano. Some days are very tough but I'm grateful for her teacher who is extremely understanding and kind. Joy also loves watching "Bake Squad".

*Max is growing in teen grief group and is talking more and more in individual therapy. He really enjoys Wednesday night youth church. He is missing his dad, ALOT. He and I talk every night via email and share scriptures and struggles trying to keep each other afloat.  He is a great helper around the house and takes frequent trips out to ride his hoverboard to clear his head.  Max is also very close to getting his first belt in Martial Arts, which he really enjoys. 

*It's been a good weekly break for Elijah to continue PE at the local school. Once a week he also sees their school counselor and seems to look forward to speaking with her and bringing home info and tips for the rest of us. This month has really hit Elijah hard, very hard.  Lots of triggers and down days. I'm thankful that he opens up to me, and we can cry together and laugh together as well.  He's still doing well in piano and is close to getting his first belt in Martial Arts.  Elijah enjoys video games and audio books about animals and nature.  

*Amira is continuing to perfect her skill of mimicking everyone in the house. She's very smart and also a little bossy. She is still our little comforting angel, gives many hugs and affectionately replies   " I love you TOO."

*Avielle is doing very well in martial arts; she was even helping to show a few newer kids the moves. She also looks forward to Wednesday night church and kids' grief group.  Avi has a tender heart and is very empathetic to other families in our situation which sometimes can be a hindrance when processing her own grief.  She did enjoy her first individual therapy session, but also struggles with some pinned up anger. 

*I don't have much of an update about myself right now. Other than the fact that I'm grateful to be surrounded by family, friends, counselors, pastors and prayer warriors because I have no words.