June Family Updates

    Just like this time last year, June has been quite a full month.  It was the first month in our summer activities as homeschool co-op and Wednesday night church activities have ended, and of course to make up to keep ourselves busy in a positive way.

    This summer has started out pretty dreadful for the most of us.  I think that it being the second summer without Patrick feels extra mean.  The kids and I have had some pretty rough days, and that's okay.  We're learning to count the wins in each day, as opposed to counting the number of good days.  We still have not found our footing, and I don't think we ever will. Loving someone this much, being loved wholly by them, and then losing them isn't something that time will just allow us to "get over."

So here is what we've been up to:

    The older three kids volunteered for Vacation Bible School and totally rocked it!

Kendall & Christian were lead teachers in the classrooms.  Elijah had a blast for his first-time volunteering, and he had the super important job of leading the Kindergartners in daily Physical Education and games.  We were out in the community a few weeks after VBS concluded and a little ones yelled, "Hey, that's my teacher from church." Elijah beamed with pride. I was so proud of the kids for getting up serving, faithfully. It was great to see them all enjoy their time.

Avielle, Joy, and Benji made lots of friends and looked forward to each day of Vacation Bible School.  Amira and I had some time to ourselves; but she loves being around the siblings, so she started to miss them about the second day.  Thankfully, we have an awesome village, and I was able to clock-in friends to take her to have a good time while the older siblings were away. 

    All of the kids started in Educational Programs at the local Family Resource Center. They are covering topics such as mathematics, social -emotional intelligence, and Kendall even built a robot at the local community college for a weeklong robotics program! They have all also continued to #KeepItMoving by each playing a vital role in our Virtual Encouragement for Preservation Ministries.  Whether they sing, read a devotional, or give a testimony, they are always willing to walk in the way of the Lord, and in the legacy of their father.  

    As Father's Day approached, we all started to feel the effect of the weight of another important day without our guy.  I panicked as storms covered the entire state.  My initial plan to get away to a water park was foiled.  My backup plan to go to the beach was also nixed.  I knew that I did not want to wake up on Sunday here in this house without the Superdad.  So just like last year, I had to find a way to pad the pain.  

I got a bright idea and found a super cute farm with a tiny home for us to stay for the night. It was fairly close to the house.  Many people know that I'm not the best with animals but for these kids there is not much I won't do.  So being able to watch them wake up in nature, walk out to feed the chickens, goats and cows brough my heart so much peace.  It also gave me direction in our next move.

July will be our last month in this house; the house that we didn't bring Patrick home to.  That stings. It hurts so bad, yet it is true.  So, after visiting the farm, it solidified that we needed to downsize and find a place with more land as we spend 75% of our time running around and being outdoors anyway.  So currently, our prayer is that God will provide a place that fits our needs, and  favor for all to work out.  I will post updates on our instagram @servingwith7.

    On the last therapy Thursday of June, all seven of the kids had counseling appointments.  That was the first time every one of them had been seen on the same day and it was truly a task.  I'm grateful to have a village of competent supportive therapists to help us along this journey.  God has truly orchestrated and aligned our path with people who love Him and love us well.  

    There have been so many beautiful blessings from people all over this month, it has been so helpful.  Deliveries of dinner, toiletries, paper products, groceries, bottled water, fun passes, gift cards has really helped us to see that God sees us. God continues to send his people and from the bottom of my heart, I'm grateful.

This coming season of triggery dates, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. is going to be rough.  So, we're counting on your continued prayers to see us through. 

"How's Therapy Going?"

    I snapped this picture below of Benjamin today at our family therapy session.  The counseling office was so comfy that both my babies went to sleep right there on the sofa. My four and two-year-old had been up in the wee hours of the morning; they couldn't sleep.  They were triggered and afraid.  So that meant Momma didn't get much sleep either.  We used to share a room with Pat, and they can feel the gaping space. Although it’s been 17 months since we lost him, they still just want their daddy back. They want their world whole again. 

    About a week ago, I posted a video on Instagram that went viral. Before this, I thought that viral meant about 10k views. This particular video, that was uploaded from my ring camera, now has over 426,000 views! I started not to post it, because it was jarring to even me when I watched it back. It was one of my most unguarded, vulnerable moments of grief.  But it blessed many.  The messages of solidary and empathy poured in by he thousands.  But several people asked, "are you in counseling?"

 

    In May of 2020, Patrick and I were looking forward to walking across the stage of Luther Rice College & Seminary to receive our well-earned master's degrees in biblical counseling.  But the pandemic had other plans, so the ceremony was cancelled. But we still had a socially distanced celebration in our caps and gowns.  Yet another crazy milestone in the adventures of Pat N' Keisha.  Over the years, we had been honored to counsel dozens of beautiful, strong, faithful servants during our time together in ministry. In addition, one of the very last projects that Patrick was working on before he went into the hospital, was a mental health initiative at his job.  He not only helped get paid prayer/mediation time approved, but he oversaw the implementation of a mental wellness room on the work site.  

   As a lifelong proponent of mental health, I’ve seen a therapist on several occasions as an adult.  I realize that although I'm a strong person, part of my strength is knowing when to tag in help. Over the past decade, Patrick and I both have gained coping techniques and been provided a safe place to vent with the help of licensed mental health counselors.  But therapists are not magicians. Therapists are not God. The hard, ugly and awful doesn’t go away because you make an appointment, sit on a cozy couch, and pour out your heart.  A counselor cannot solve your problems, break your habits, right your wrongs, or in our case…being our person back.

    Has counseling been helpful? Yes, it helps take the edge off and I wouldn't want to walk this journey without having trusted, equipped counselors in our village.  Since the week after Patrick's Heaven Party, we've been under the care of Christian Therapists.  But some Things you can’t walk around; you can only walk through. What I share here, is what walking through looks like.

Still Can't Believe it: 1 Year Update

 "Alright, we did it. We got through it. We get the point. Patrick can come home anytime now."

    It still feels like a cruel prank. This can't be permanent. The world needs light. Patrick was the God-given light for so many.  So this just doesn't feel right. Our life verse, as a couple and as a family is Romans 8:28. I know that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and who are called according to His purpose. We are called, we are purposed, God is the definition of good: but this SUCKS. 

    The week leading up to the anniversary date, the schedules were maxed out! We volunteered, had friend therapy, games/practices, and spent time just existing and loving one another. New traditions, old ones- all comingled as we approached the one year mark that seemed to come rather too quickly.  As a self-proclaimed nerd, I've read many books, blogs and articles about grief and the majority of them focus on the first anniversary of the loss.  But to me, it seems like it was yesterday. Time, for me, has stood still. Birthdays and holidays have come and gone, but I'm still standing there in that hospital parking garage saying to myself..."So, no more adventures?"

    The day came and went without much fanfare and with minimal meltdowns.  Much of this was due prayers and the thoughtfulness of our community. The phone rang out with texts, emails, messages and calls of shared sadness and solidarity. Gifts started to arrive and hugs were delivered as well.  The counselors were on standby; they were so gracious to check in.  But the entire week leading up to it...we were a wreck! People see me managing the daily demands of seven kids and their schedules and think,  "Wow, that's so much! I don't know how you do it." But behind the scenes, being counselor mom and solo parent; discerning what foreign behavior is grief or regular ol' testing of the wills is where the full blown exhaustion comes in.  In those moments, I feel the most anguish. I feel the most hopeless as I continually function without the presence  the co-creator of this beautiful chaos by my side.  That's when I truly ponder how this is possible. I yell out to God , "Really Bro? Is this really what you have for me?" But, instantly fear sets in and I yell back, "Not that I'm complaining, please don't take my children."

This is raw.

This is real.

This is ugly.

This is brutal.

This is messy. 

But the best way I can describe our journey as we walk through the valley with others right now is: beautifully, tragically, therapeutic. 

                                                 Pat and His Baby Momma x 7 (2019)

Family Updates for October

    October was definitely filled to the brim with events, triggers, etc.   There seemed to be no let up and we were pushed to the limit for sure.  But it was also very different; we seemed to experience some new and unique waves of grief. It was weird.  Although I felt God sustaining us, I still felt a lot of pressure. I was so busy I didn’t get a chance to write much and honestly when I had a moment to write I started to just protest the purpose of writing.  

    If I’m honest with myself, that’s why I didn’t sit down and commit to blogging when I had the time. Usually blogging helps me to work through some big emotions but for the first time it wasn’t therapeutic. I thought of it as a daunting task reminding me every single moment of every single day that Patrick is not here, and he should be. "Why are we here? How is this really our life?" That’s just the plainest way I can put it: He should be here. 

So here are the updates:

Friend Therapy was huge this month. We realized even more how important it is for the kids to be around safe loving friends.  I am happy to say that they have a great group of friends near and far who check in on them and take all opportunities to get together for some fun. Also, some of our great family friends took the kids on solo dates and that's always an excellent treat!

Elijah's Basketball team won the championship for his division! That was a GREAT feeling, we were all so proud of him.  

Christian started his official job as a worship leader at our local church for the Preschool classes! He's always been a hit with the little ones, so it's been such a blessing for him to lead, heal, and have fun in this new role.

Kendall started volleyball and we found out she's got a mighty powerful serve! Volleyball is a total new sport for Kendall and our whole family, so we're proud of her bravery for diving into something new and awesome.

Joy got baptized this month! She had accepted Christ as her Savior last year and then her world was rocked. She has always talked about Jesus and understood spiritual things way above her age. We call her the little old lady. But she knows Jesus and loves Jesus and cries out to Him even in her pain. So, when our church started planning our 2nd annual baptism, she told me she would like to be a candidate. For us this was beautiful and crushing at the same time as she would be the first Wheeler baby that would not be baptized by her Dad. I'll write about this more later. 

Benji's 4th Birthday was ...it wasn't the best. Benji and Patrick's bond was special as both of them were the  baby brothers. Patrick was equally close to each of the three boys, but the bonds were uniquely beautiful. I think everyone around us started to feel heavy as Benji's birthday approached. Losing your dad when you're a toddler just feels so wrong.  But God was gracious and so was little Benjamin. As I walked him through the plaza with his balloons in tow and I cried the whole way to the van. He just walked peacefully alongside me. I thank God for my sister and all of the beautiful friends who answered my last-minute call to come and celebrate in a small way with my baby boy. I needed a do-over, but he had a good time and felt loved. 

Our first Christian Hip-Hop Concert was truly one of the highlights of this entire year! I will do a separate post about this, but it was a great way to celebrate the birthdays and the struggles this month. We also had a special guest to come along with us and we all danced, screamed and sang along. There was even a worship set in the middle and just seeing families of all ages and nationalities uniting under this awesome music honoring God was a treat that my heart needed! 

Avielle has made some major strides in her writing and storytelling and is enjoying classes and friends at our homeschool co-op. She's a part of a girl's group and they coordinate what they'll wear and look forward to dressing up!

Amira has been continuing to be a little light and she's now going in to play therapy by herself! watching her go in with a smile to enjoy her time with Mrs. Katherine has been beautiful growth. 

For Patrick's 40th Birthday, we did a hard thing.  There was no singing, there was no celebratory cake, there was no balloon release, there was no faking. Pat should be here so that we could celebrate him.  To get ahead of all of the milestone days I try to have something planned. This day the entire plan went left, but my sister joined in, and we all went to Clearwater beach for the first time since our loss. Our beach. The beach of so many memories.  We took our new babies to this beach; we had our anniversary trip and many birthdays at the resort.  So just going there, to the sand, overlooking the water after our loss...was big. so that was that. We survived it.  

Family Shake-Ups happened this month, with big changes to our routine and thus our healing process.  .My sister went away for a work trip and was gone for ten days!  I believe that’s the longest time we’ve been apart in at least three years.  So that definitely showed us some things. Not only did all of us miss eachother terribly, we rely on eachother to push through. I was proud of her though, because it was hard on her as well.   My brother-in-law was so gracious and took the boys for haircuts a hamburgers and me and the girls got to have some in-home spa time on #therapyThursday. 

Halloween (from instagram post)

He absolutely loved trick-or-treating with the kids. He would do it faithfully every single year. I know that in this “climate “ there’s a lot to be said about trick-or-treating but seeing this beautiful man walk his bright- eyed children up to neighbors’ doors and say , “Thank you &God bless” has probably touched the lives of more people than we will know.
Here is the messy part… I hate trick-or-treating. I hate candy. I usually line up a few trunk -or -treats for the kids for the experience but even that is like pulling teeth. But most of them are excited. Few of them are triggered. Some of them are both. So now it’s one of me and other people have plans and I’m stuck in the middle trying to wrap my mind around this baffling reality. Trying to figure out the best way to honor all of my kids during yet another traumatic first.

My sister and Bro-in-law came and scooped up 3-6 to take them trick or treating. And the oldest two bravely continued in the tradition started by their Dad and they did It together. Y’all didn’t stop checking on me…Thank y’all for praying. We made it . 

Therapy: 9 Month Update

Today it's been nine months since our loss.  When I woke up it was dreary outside, and I already knew what I was up against. But the boys had back-to-back basketball games, so I knew that we had to get up and out.  I was fussing, the house was a mess, but we had to go.  We got to the Y and met a sister who was taking the girls on a breakfast date, and of course my sister showed up with smiles & snacks to cheer on her nephews. After the game, we had small meltdown but got in the car to head home to clean and prepare to do some kind of activity to look forward to. That's been a staple and truly a lifeline for us. However, it started storming. So here I am, blogging with a sleeping baby girl in my arms. 

Someone asked me how things were going with counseling and as I've said before, "No one has come out of an office telling us that this was all a dream, and we can wake up now. So, I guess it's going just okay." The truth is, in one twenty-four-hour period, my kids had kid's grief support group, a one-on-one therapy session, karate, and still came home had a full-blown meltdown; which caused a domino effect.  I grabbed the kids, put them in the car and drove to the nearest safe-house. Our friends asked no questions, took the kids in, shared their grandparents, gave hugs, baked cookies, and I picked them back up and we went home for prayer and bed. Sometimes, that's how our day looks.  Here is an overall glimpse at the grief supports we have in place.

Counseling

At the moment, all of us are receiving counseling on a weekly or biweekly basis with the exception of Christian and Kendall.  Elijah sees a new male therapist who has had some similar experiences and is doing well.  My sister and I are with the same group of Christian therapists we've seen since December, specifically Catrina.  I have even had the opportunity to bring in some friends into a session as we all cried and attempted to process this craziness. Avielle, Joy, Benjamin and Amira enjoy their time in play/art therapy with Katherine. She is very in tuned with our family, our story, and has been a great support to us all.  The office is so welcoming and comfortable.  The older kids who are waiting are able to do schoolwork in the lobby, and her office is spacious and  has a hammock that all of the kids love.   

Grief Group

Thankfully, Suncoast Kids started back up and we missed the leaders and some of our friends from the last session. Sadly, seeing all of those new faces who had recently gone through similar losses sent a few of us home with aching hearts.  No one wants to be here, in this space.  Max said it best, "I hated to see them because I knew that they didn't know that it was getting ready to hurt a lot worse. " But each of us agreed, that we would make it a point to be someone for the new families to lean on. 

ExtraCurriculars

The kids are still involved in karate, basketball, sports discovery, boxing fitness, and piano.  Recently we joined a homeschool co-op where the kids take three subjects with their peers and that's been an excellent source of support, fellowship, and accountability for all of us. 

Children/Youth Ministry

One of the things that I'm most grateful for, is the Children/Youth Programming at our local church.  When this happened to us, I would have not been surprised if the kids wanted to take a step back from faith related activities. But they did not; they leaned in.  They love seeing friends, hearing the stories, studying the bible and playing games.  Although, sometimes they have come home with more questions or stories about how they were trigged by Jesus healing someone in the bible and not their dad. I get it.  But I'm glad that they keep talking and keep leaning on God. He's the only one who can fix this. 

One-on-Ones

One of my favorites has been One-on-ones. I got a chance to get with my sister and just enjoy coffee at the local cafe.  Just seeing her face, and giving her hugs is so very helpful for us both.  In addition to that, she and my brother-in-law have taken some of the kids off just for solo time. It's something that I wish I could do more, but it's complicated. I've had friends come to take the kiddos for lunch, shopping, fishing, breakfast, golf, etc.  Having my family, and our faith family come through to treat our kids to some special solo time has been one of the most effective helps during this season. 

Friend Therapy

I zoomed a friend and cried. That was the whole call.

My kids walked into their friends' houses and got hugs from them, their parents, and even grandparents. I picked them up with smiles on their faces. Elijah sent me an email while he was there saying "I'm sorry I was acting out." I replied, "I'm sorry that you even have to go through this." 

Friends send me scripture and prayers, and check-in throughout the day to make sure we don't feel alone. 

One of the most effective types of therapy has been "Friend therapy." Seeing our friends, our people, who love us and loved Patrick well-is the most beneficial of all things.  

August Family Update

 We started off August with our seventeenth wedding anniversary and ended with Elijah's 11th birthday.  As struggly as they both were, and everything in between, we're here.  Now having celebrated several birthdays, holidays and our anniversary, I'm learning that it's not as hard to brace for the big days. (I'll post more about this later) Here are the updates on what's been going on with us for the month of August. The schedules have ramped up and I'm still trying to get into a rhythm.  

We started off the month by hosting our first play date this year. We loved having friends over for a couple hours, it's therapeutic for them and me.

The kids got to do a few community service projects this month including stocking and organizing at the food pantry, Prayer and Produce with Preservation, and started working on a beautification project for New Life Village's rock garden. 

The kids and I did something new on our wedding anniversary and went to the Tampa Bay Buc's stadium for a back-to-school bash. Later,we were hosted for a delicious lunch from some of our oldest friends who are the owners of Tropical Smoothie Cafe. I made it through the day, with my sister in tow, and all of the kind messages truly helped. No matter how busy we tried to stay, a few of the kids didn't do so well.

A good friend who knew Patrick and I before we were us, came to town and I was so happy to be able to hug and talk with her in person. She's in the "club" also, and she and her husband were mentors while we were dating-such a godly couple.  She came all the way from Tallahassee and brought me a homemade carrot cake!

The older boys started basketball at another local YMCA and are truly enjoying it. They're learning and growing a lot for just having started the sport in June.  We switched Benji to Sports Discovery from gymnastics as he seemed to be getting a bit bored. This seems like a better fit. 

We joined our first homeschool co-operative, where homeschool families meet up once a week to teach a couple of subjects at a local church. So, the kids get their first dose of "School" as they have to change classes and turn in homework to someone OTHER than me. It's quite the adjustment for us, but they love it!  We even get to lead the group in morning devotional. The families, some of which have been our friends for about a decade, are so kind and supportive. 

The kids were over the moon when Wednesday night church started back up. Elijah was promoted to sixth grade so there was a special service to help him get acclimated in his progression from children's ministry to student's ministry. There was a worship night kickoff and ice cream social that was truly an impressive affair!

For counseling, we are still seeing two groups: one for the older ones and myself and another for the younger ones.  We added a third cord to the mix for Elijah, and we are hoping it continues to go well. The counselor is compassionate, understanding and can empathize with losing parents.  He also specializes in anger management as all of us are experiencing different levels of anger, I was pleasantly surprised to find a counselor that looks like him and promotes positive mental heatlh for all members of the community.  We will be starting back Kid's Grief Group next month.  

Every day leading up to Elijah's birthday was a STRUGGLE.  His was the first birthday we celebrated in this new chapter, in our new home. So, the arrival of it just solidified that we were celebrating this time around without our person. It seemed surreal.  I'm so grateful to everyone who sent wishes, gifts and showed up for his very last minute get together.  I knew that we had to get out of town, so we took a quick overnight trip, and he had a blast. I'll blog more about this separately. 

The Symbolism of the Pot-by Kendall

Hey everyone, It's Kendall here!

I thought I would share with you an experience we had this past Thursday in grief group. It was family night, so we were all grouped together, and our little siblings, mom and Uncle Leon got to join in. For the activity, they gave us a clay pot which symbolized our life before the loss. They took us outside and asked us to drop it on the concrete symbolizing our now broken life. Next, we headed back inside and were instructed to take the pieces and write on the inside our feelings about the loss, and on the outside, what helped us to cope.  Now here comes the tricky part, they wanted us to piece the pot back together. We tried the entire time, and we could not put it all together again. People even came by to help, but we couldn’t figure it out.  Every other family’s pot was put together nicely but some of our pieces were dust at that point; making it nearly impossible to put back together. Our pot was dropped very hard, just like our life. It didn't take me long to say without knowing the depth of my words “I don’t think we will ever be able to put this pot back the way it was’’. Then it hit me, I was correct. The pot had reassured what we thought. Dad was a very crucial part in all of our lives, and without him our lives will never be the same. I have never seen a human love people as much as my dad, and I want to model him in that and in many other ways.  He loved everyone, no matter where you came from or your situation. Thank you all for taking the time to read this. I love each and everyone of you.

Family Updates For March

March has been a long, long, and eventful month. I wanted to give short updates on each of us. For all of the prayer warriors, thanks so much for keeping us lifted up. This month I think we all learned and appreciated even more the blessing of great family and friends.  Daily check-ins and meetups where we feel loved and safe to just be "us" is a true treasure, and a lifeline.  

A list of Beautiful Things

• We went to get the oil changed on the van, and when the manager learned of our story, they took care of the bill and gave us their condolences.  
• Last week we had a couple of therapy sessions that were early in the morning. We had to hit the drive through for breakfast twice, at two different spots, and both times the cars in front of us took care of our orders.  
• We were able to get switched to an office for play/art therapy for Ben & Joy. The provider linked up with another colleague to be able to offer her services In-Network. It's closer to us, a better setup for the waiting family members & is now covered by insurance. 
• We started a "Midweek Ministry" at our home on Wednesdays, where we make up bags of snacks and scriptures for the delivery drivers in our neighborhood.
• A Beautiful Friend went to Paris and brought us back some awesome souvenirs. 
• A close family friend came to take the boys for laser tag and some guy time.
• Tee Kan & Unc took the kids for fun times at the park and petting zoo
• The kids enjoyed our homeschool math unit study which included opening up their own savings accounts, learning about interest and investing in stocks.
• Kendall and I got a chance to do another Mommy & Daughter sushi date, talked and had a good time.

Family Updates

*Kendall shared with me and the therapist that she is feeling much more joy lately.  She believes that this is what Dad would want and says she feels the prayers working. That is a HUGE praise report for sure! She loves being with friends, reading and being creative. 

*Benjamin is loving riding his bike, responding well in play/art therapy, and started soccer this week! He said, "I made ALL the friends" and loved having us on the sidelines rooting him on. He also got his first big boy haircut!  Although he's sleeping a little better, he's having nightmares often. From my understanding, this is normal.

*Joy is praying aloud more and is also enjoying solo time with friends.  She is starting to open up more in therapy but is struggling with a lot of anger. She does look forward to kids' grief group.  Daddy was her world. Joy is pressing on in continuing to learn piano. Some days are very tough but I'm grateful for her teacher who is extremely understanding and kind. Joy also loves watching "Bake Squad".

*Max is growing in teen grief group and is talking more and more in individual therapy. He really enjoys Wednesday night youth church. He is missing his dad, ALOT. He and I talk every night via email and share scriptures and struggles trying to keep each other afloat.  He is a great helper around the house and takes frequent trips out to ride his hoverboard to clear his head.  Max is also very close to getting his first belt in Martial Arts, which he really enjoys. 

*It's been a good weekly break for Elijah to continue PE at the local school. Once a week he also sees their school counselor and seems to look forward to speaking with her and bringing home info and tips for the rest of us. This month has really hit Elijah hard, very hard.  Lots of triggers and down days. I'm thankful that he opens up to me, and we can cry together and laugh together as well.  He's still doing well in piano and is close to getting his first belt in Martial Arts.  Elijah enjoys video games and audio books about animals and nature.  

*Amira is continuing to perfect her skill of mimicking everyone in the house. She's very smart and also a little bossy. She is still our little comforting angel, gives many hugs and affectionately replies   " I love you TOO."

*Avielle is doing very well in martial arts; she was even helping to show a few newer kids the moves. She also looks forward to Wednesday night church and kids' grief group.  Avi has a tender heart and is very empathetic to other families in our situation which sometimes can be a hindrance when processing her own grief.  She did enjoy her first individual therapy session, but also struggles with some pinned up anger. 

*I don't have much of an update about myself right now. Other than the fact that I'm grateful to be surrounded by family, friends, counselors, pastors and prayer warriors because I have no words. 

Counting the wins, well trying

I want to start out this post by giving a huge shout out to each and every one of the prayer warriors and our "village." There is not a day that goes by without several people checking on us, calling our names in prayer, and physically showing up to be hands-on to help our family. I am eternally grateful.  This week was crazy, unexpectedly busy, and the support of our community made all the difference.  Playdates, handyman help, meals, and short babysitting stints for overdue self-care.

This week was hellish. I'm not sure exactly why, but it was super busy and unexpectedly so.  Meetings, doctor appointments, hard things paired with the sheer fact that THIS MAKES NO SENSE really created a cyclone of cray cray.   Grief and triggers showed up in new ways. I'm sure that was part of it. Alas, here are some wins:

Joy learned to read music this week! She's only 5, but she is not only teaching herself to read, but she is also learning to read and play notes.

I interviewed a therapist specializing in art/play therapy with toddlers. She sent a proposed plan for Benji & Joy starting next week and I'm relieved to have found her. That search alone took almost every ounce of energy I had. 

We toured the local YMCA to see if the programs would benefit our family.  We got a special tour from the executive director who had a similar story of loss when he was only 11. So, his compassion and understanding for my kiddos was truly appreciated.  

One of our family/community advocates recommended a specialized kids grief group back in December. We were on a wait list and were told we couldn't start until March. We got a call on Thursday that we were moved up and could start that night. Elijah, Avielle, and Joy had an amazing time. It was exactly what they needed. I was glad that something worked.

Kendall, Max, and I are signed up for GriefShare at one of our partner churches which is similar to the kids' group but for adults and teens.  This will be a delicate situation in the fact that, the three of us are empaths. I'm wondering how we will function in a group setting, feeling safe to share but also resisting the compulsion to take on the stories and sadness of others.  

Max, Elijah, Avielle & Joy just joined a local Martial Arts Class at the Homeschool Co-op.  I think it would be great to get out some of that "big energy" that builds up during this season.  The instructor is very skilled and also gave a short bible study in the beginning of class.   This is a double win, because last week I took the girls to try the same class. It was the first time they'd driven past the hospital where we dropped Daddy off when he first felt the pain in his chest. Seeing it again triggered them and they couldn't even participate. They were so shaken up. So this week, we tried again, took the brothers along and it was a success.