Messy Grief - Part 1

 Over the years and throughout my time in seminary, I'd read periodically on the topic of grief.  I was curious enough to read about what it could look like and study some components for my biblical counseling coursework. But superstitiously I thought if I researched it too much, I'd be inviting the premature loss of a loved one. I know that's crazy and it's not the most spiritually informed thought, but it's real.  

After our situation happened, I poured over the bible, devotional, books, blogs, vlogs, pamphlets everything I could get my hands on to try to make sense of what had happened.  But I learned quick and fast that nothing would make it make sense, and that a lot of what I was reading was really general or "removed." The authors were speaking from a space of super spirituality that I couldn't get with.  Either that, or they were so far removed from those first initial days and weeks of the pummeling pain that I just couldn't relate.  I had to shut that all down. So, I started writing.  

As I thought about it, of the sermons I've heard in my lifetime, all of the teachings, biblical lament was rarely a focus.  Teaching about that real space where grief and faith intersect was a rare topic. Yet, it is something that will touch us all.  I have more thoughts on this that I'll share in another post. The raw truth is: grief is messy. And for whatever reason, even though it's something that we all will definitely go through, it's hardly referenced.  It's a subject that's rarely attended to or addressed, in and out of the church.  I thought back to when my granddaddy passed.  When I got back in town from his service, we went to serve at our church, and no one asked how we were.  A few people said "awww, I'm sorry" but quickly moved on. My grandfather DIED at 68! He was a pastor, a loving husband, father, grandfather, friend, mentor, etc.  How was I expected to show up at church and just serve the save God who chose not to heal my grandfather from cancer? Thankfully, the loss of Patrick we have experienced a much different more empathetic response, but sheesh!

So, here's what messy grief looks like, in our journey thus far. There are no lines, no calendars, no framework, no way around it.  Here's an example of what messy looks like for us:

• At times I don't ask for help because it reminds me of my void, and it's retraumatizing.
• Other times I don't ask for help because the fear of disappointment and rejection are now higher than ever
• Sometimes my kids will make such a mockery and mess of our house, I'm sure they're protesting a world that makes no sense.  "When I tidy up and put everything in its place like I did before, it won't bring my Dad back. "
• When my kids can't sleep, they miss their Dad. "I never had trouble sleeping when Daddy was here."
• If my kid disobeys or doesn't complete a task, I have to sit and debate whether to be disciplinarian or counselor-maid.
• Sometimes I'll throw out all of my plans and take the kids to four different parks, just so we can be in nature, and I can meltdown and avoid my seemingly insurmountable Mom List at home.
• I struggle to believe that God can make something beautiful out of this.
• Sometimes on birthdays I open sob with my kids. Many times they are strong for me, too. 
• When I enjoy something, I wonder if my kids worry that I'm healed and over it. Of course, they don't but the fact that I have to even monitor those thoughts is exhausting. 
• I don't think I'll ever be able to hear or use the word "miss" again aside from this situation. It no longer means the same thing.
• Sometimes I type, "My phone battery is low on power" instead of "my phone d*ed". Like it's that deep.
• They hate this house without their Dad in it. This is the house where our lives changed forever. Another reason why getting them to do chores is a struggle sometimes. No amount of order in the house will restore what we've lost. Contrarily, I struggle to function in mess.
• The hardest thing to try to do is to keep your kids motivated to do anything, set goals, look to the future, for two reasons:1) Because whatever they face, Patrick won't be here. 2)The reward for people seeking after God, living a life of love and service abruptly ends with them being promoted to heaven and leaving a slew of heartbroken loved ones behind. Thankfully God handles this for me, I don't even try to make it make sense. 

Counseling, Coping & Community: 6 Month Update

When people ask how we are doing, there is still no answer for that. Hopefully, the blog posts give a good indication of how we can be all over the place and in the same exact place on any given day. This makes no sense to us, but God is providing grace, love, support, comfort and continually meeting our tangible needs.  For that, we are grateful. Most people tell us to "expect a drop off in support as people will go on about their lives." But I cannot tell you how blessed I am to say that in our case, this isn't true. The support has been unending. 

In addition to our family and our close friends, here is a snapshot of what we have in place to help us along this uncharted and undesirable path.

Extracurricular Activities: (weekly) We are currently transitioning for the summer, but I have enrolled the kids in several creative and athletic outlets to get out their "big energy" and honestly give them something to look forward to.   Christian, Elijah, Avielle and Joy are enjoying and excelling in karate.  Benjamin is in gymnastics. We take Amira to open gymnastics, and she will be doing soccer in the fall.  Kendall starts art class next week and will try volleyball camp this summer.  Christian is still acting, and all of the kids will be participating in Vacation Bible School either as volunteers or participants.  Avielle and Elijah are set for Kid's worship camp where they will learn to sing, write and run the tech for worship service.  Boys are also trying their hand at basketball this summer at the Y.  Since all the kids love the water, swim lessons will be a high priority again this summer. 

Counseling: (Weekly)We currently have two different counseling setups. One is a Christian Counseling Group we've been seeing since the week of the Memorial Service.  I try to get in biweekly myself, and depending on the children and their needs, I will cycle them through on the other appointments.  The oldest four usually rotate in, depending on either their choice or observed behaviors/grief patterns during the week.  They have been very understanding and accommodating and we are grateful that it's close to our home.  In addition, the younger kids see a counselor who specializes in play/art therapy for younger children. I got to interview her via phone a few months back and was instantly impressed with her knowledge and her warmth. Avielle saw her for the first-time last week and told me that her time was helpful. As a backup, I also have a telehealth counseling service should the need arise.

Kid's Grief Group: (Bi-monthly) At the end of May was the last grief group for the kids until August. It was bittersweet as everyone seemed sad to say goodbye, the staff and counselors have been a godsend.  It was a short stint for us, so I think that even my kiddos were struggling as another one of their activities was coming to an end. Grief doesn't seem to take a moment off, so trying to navigate this through these months will be interesting. I'm thankful that they have another family event scheduled for July. It will be great to see everyone again.  Since we homeschool year-round, the "summer off" rhythm that many others seem to follow isn't familiar to us. I'll be back to update on what we find to fill this space, soon.

Church Community: I'm proud to say that we have four churches whose communities are united in serving and undergirding our family during this time.  This is what we call "the Body of Christ, being the Body of Christ", and I'm so honored and grateful for the covering. Some members provide biblical teaching and fellowship for our children. Others provide a safe space for when I am up to attending worship service. They also provide grief education and support for us and our support system.  Some brothers and sisters rotate weekly deliveries of family meals and helps with handyman work and cleaning. Another beautiful group of people check in with us on a daily basis, come by for quick hugs and drop small "thinking of you" gifts.  A few brothers and sisters open their homes as a haven for some solo time for my children saying, "whatever you need, whenever they need a moment-bring them here."  We also have at least five pastor-counselor-friends who check in on us several times a week providing counseling, prayer, and a listening ear.

Prayer Warriors: These are the friends of friends...of friends. The immediate family, non-immediate family. The coworkers of Aunties, the bible study group\members, the mother -in-laws of church members, Patrick's former colleagues, old classmates, online friends, former professors, ministers, pastors, children, music students, cashiers, delivery drivers, etc.  For all of the texts, calls, emails, letters, cards, etc. I can't even...I could never thank you all for continuing to petition the Father on our behalf.   

Out of the Mouths of Babes-Bedtime Prayers

Bedtime prayer has gotten better. I hesitate to even acknowledge it because honestly, I'm fearful of regression. In this situation, I don't even know if progress is sensible or attainable.  Today, instead of posting a million emojis to sum up our day, I'm going to post some of the most beautifully candid things that have come from the mouths of these little ones during this time. 

"Lord, I know You don't make mistakes, but this feels like your very first one"

"God, please show us You love us, because this doesn't feel like love"

"God we just need our Daddy back so he can play football with Me and Mister. Brother Jerry, and Mrs. Lois"

"God, please give Dad a Big hug for us and tell him we found his stash of candy on top of the refrigerator"

"God, thank you for the insane amount of love Daddy gave us"

"God, please heal the hearts of everyone who was at Dad's heaven party; this is a global hurt"

"God, I feel like You have the candle and You're holding it in another room. We can't see any light. Help us to trust You because all we see is darkness"

"God, please spoil Daddy up there in heaven, because he deserves it"

Family Updates For March

March has been a long, long, and eventful month. I wanted to give short updates on each of us. For all of the prayer warriors, thanks so much for keeping us lifted up. This month I think we all learned and appreciated even more the blessing of great family and friends.  Daily check-ins and meetups where we feel loved and safe to just be "us" is a true treasure, and a lifeline.  

A list of Beautiful Things

• We went to get the oil changed on the van, and when the manager learned of our story, they took care of the bill and gave us their condolences.  
• Last week we had a couple of therapy sessions that were early in the morning. We had to hit the drive through for breakfast twice, at two different spots, and both times the cars in front of us took care of our orders.  
• We were able to get switched to an office for play/art therapy for Ben & Joy. The provider linked up with another colleague to be able to offer her services In-Network. It's closer to us, a better setup for the waiting family members & is now covered by insurance. 
• We started a "Midweek Ministry" at our home on Wednesdays, where we make up bags of snacks and scriptures for the delivery drivers in our neighborhood.
• A Beautiful Friend went to Paris and brought us back some awesome souvenirs. 
• A close family friend came to take the boys for laser tag and some guy time.
• Tee Kan & Unc took the kids for fun times at the park and petting zoo
• The kids enjoyed our homeschool math unit study which included opening up their own savings accounts, learning about interest and investing in stocks.
• Kendall and I got a chance to do another Mommy & Daughter sushi date, talked and had a good time.

Family Updates

*Kendall shared with me and the therapist that she is feeling much more joy lately.  She believes that this is what Dad would want and says she feels the prayers working. That is a HUGE praise report for sure! She loves being with friends, reading and being creative. 

*Benjamin is loving riding his bike, responding well in play/art therapy, and started soccer this week! He said, "I made ALL the friends" and loved having us on the sidelines rooting him on. He also got his first big boy haircut!  Although he's sleeping a little better, he's having nightmares often. From my understanding, this is normal.

*Joy is praying aloud more and is also enjoying solo time with friends.  She is starting to open up more in therapy but is struggling with a lot of anger. She does look forward to kids' grief group.  Daddy was her world. Joy is pressing on in continuing to learn piano. Some days are very tough but I'm grateful for her teacher who is extremely understanding and kind. Joy also loves watching "Bake Squad".

*Max is growing in teen grief group and is talking more and more in individual therapy. He really enjoys Wednesday night youth church. He is missing his dad, ALOT. He and I talk every night via email and share scriptures and struggles trying to keep each other afloat.  He is a great helper around the house and takes frequent trips out to ride his hoverboard to clear his head.  Max is also very close to getting his first belt in Martial Arts, which he really enjoys. 

*It's been a good weekly break for Elijah to continue PE at the local school. Once a week he also sees their school counselor and seems to look forward to speaking with her and bringing home info and tips for the rest of us. This month has really hit Elijah hard, very hard.  Lots of triggers and down days. I'm thankful that he opens up to me, and we can cry together and laugh together as well.  He's still doing well in piano and is close to getting his first belt in Martial Arts.  Elijah enjoys video games and audio books about animals and nature.  

*Amira is continuing to perfect her skill of mimicking everyone in the house. She's very smart and also a little bossy. She is still our little comforting angel, gives many hugs and affectionately replies   " I love you TOO."

*Avielle is doing very well in martial arts; she was even helping to show a few newer kids the moves. She also looks forward to Wednesday night church and kids' grief group.  Avi has a tender heart and is very empathetic to other families in our situation which sometimes can be a hindrance when processing her own grief.  She did enjoy her first individual therapy session, but also struggles with some pinned up anger. 

*I don't have much of an update about myself right now. Other than the fact that I'm grateful to be surrounded by family, friends, counselors, pastors and prayer warriors because I have no words. 

Counting the wins, well trying

I want to start out this post by giving a huge shout out to each and every one of the prayer warriors and our "village." There is not a day that goes by without several people checking on us, calling our names in prayer, and physically showing up to be hands-on to help our family. I am eternally grateful.  This week was crazy, unexpectedly busy, and the support of our community made all the difference.  Playdates, handyman help, meals, and short babysitting stints for overdue self-care.

This week was hellish. I'm not sure exactly why, but it was super busy and unexpectedly so.  Meetings, doctor appointments, hard things paired with the sheer fact that THIS MAKES NO SENSE really created a cyclone of cray cray.   Grief and triggers showed up in new ways. I'm sure that was part of it. Alas, here are some wins:

Joy learned to read music this week! She's only 5, but she is not only teaching herself to read, but she is also learning to read and play notes.

I interviewed a therapist specializing in art/play therapy with toddlers. She sent a proposed plan for Benji & Joy starting next week and I'm relieved to have found her. That search alone took almost every ounce of energy I had. 

We toured the local YMCA to see if the programs would benefit our family.  We got a special tour from the executive director who had a similar story of loss when he was only 11. So, his compassion and understanding for my kiddos was truly appreciated.  

One of our family/community advocates recommended a specialized kids grief group back in December. We were on a wait list and were told we couldn't start until March. We got a call on Thursday that we were moved up and could start that night. Elijah, Avielle, and Joy had an amazing time. It was exactly what they needed. I was glad that something worked.

Kendall, Max, and I are signed up for GriefShare at one of our partner churches which is similar to the kids' group but for adults and teens.  This will be a delicate situation in the fact that, the three of us are empaths. I'm wondering how we will function in a group setting, feeling safe to share but also resisting the compulsion to take on the stories and sadness of others.  

Max, Elijah, Avielle & Joy just joined a local Martial Arts Class at the Homeschool Co-op.  I think it would be great to get out some of that "big energy" that builds up during this season.  The instructor is very skilled and also gave a short bible study in the beginning of class.   This is a double win, because last week I took the girls to try the same class. It was the first time they'd driven past the hospital where we dropped Daddy off when he first felt the pain in his chest. Seeing it again triggered them and they couldn't even participate. They were so shaken up. So this week, we tried again, took the brothers along and it was a success.

The Littles

 One of the trickiest situations to navigate is helping the littles. They don't comprehend the concept, but then again...I'm not sure I do either.  Their emotions are all over the place; at times they're angry, other times they're comforting and cuddly. One thing that makes it more difficult is that even at the ages of 18 months, 3 years, and nearly 6, they are all mature for their ages.  So, I never know what they're going to say, comprehend, or interpret.  Benji in particular, has been one who's taking it the hardest. It's been eighty-two nights since Daddy put him to sleep as he did almost every single night since he was born on 10/16. Patrick's birthday is 10/17- definitely bosom buddies.  

But today, Benji was excited about going to Wednesday Night Kids Worship at a local church.  He got to be in a class with his peers, worship, sing songs, play games, and even made a card for the sick and shut in.  I peeked in just in time to see him being the line leader! He was standing up straight and walking proud in his new shark shirt that he picked out.  For that moment, I was thankful.  He came home and then asked to see pictures of him and Dad at the playground.  Although some of the rest of us had another struggle day, the smile on his face made my heart happy.