If April Showers Bring May Flowers...I'll Take 'Em

    April was an interesting month. It seemed to fly by, but it definitely made sure to leave a lasting impression.  There were some absolutely beautiful, proud moments; and for those we thank God.  However, there were some experiences that made our grief ultra heavy this past month. All in all, we made it.

    The end of April marked the close of our first ever Homeschool Co-Op School year.  We have homeschooled the kids since 2012 when Kendall was a Kindergartener.  Now she is a rising Sophomore in High School.  It was truly a joy to unite with other families with homeschoolers of all ages who loved Jesus and were excited to learn.  It was honestly also cool to see that parenting/homeschooling can have crazy unpredictable times as well.  The kids were elated to get up every Tuesday and go learn, laugh, and lunch with their peers. It's truly been one of the highlights of the past year.  

    The kids have truly enjoyed Wednesday Night worship at our local church.  Having a routine whenever possible is so crucial.  Of all the kids, I think Benji enjoys his time best.  He loves craft time, making friends, and learning new worship songs. Unfortunately, the church takes a break from May-August for their Wednesday programming, so I'll have to look into alternatives to keep the kids looking forward to some midweek fun.  I got a special call from the Kid's Pastor that truly uplifted me and encouraged me to "keep on bringin' 'em."

    Five of the kids got to start back karate at the homeschool resource center.  Benjamin had patiently waited until he was four years old to join the clan. They had a blast! Not only did they learn, grow, and have some excellent guidance from Mr. Jon, every single one of them ended the semester with a promotion! Elijah & Christian are now Blue Belts, Avielle & Joy are now green belts, and Benji is officially a yellow belt! I still say that involving them in karate has been one of my best decisions after our loss. 

    Our second Easter was dreadful, to be completely honest.  There was no way I could have saw it coming.  Something about the color-coordinated families, Jesus being raised from the dead, etc... just didn't feel like a celebration. I'm so thankful for friends and family who stepped in to take the kids to do all of the traditional things this year to keep their minds occupied, because I was a broken mess. Because although Jesus was raised from the dead, He also died. And that was where we were stuck for the moment.  

    We continued our second round of birthdays, Joy's on the 15th and my sister's on the 19th.  The kids and I definitely felt it. Even the older boys, I noticed because quite somber.  Some of the kids became really overactive.  As we anticipated celebrating yet another birthday without Patrick.  We had a last-minute gathering with family and a few close friends. One of my boys said, "I'm sorry I just don't feel like celebrating." I assured him and replied, "I think celebrating is a strong word. Today, we are commemorating, the day that this beautiful little tiebreaker, came into our lives."

    Play dates with friends, meetings with their mentors, fun class projects, birthday parties, spring basketball camp, meeting our new eye doctor, our first yard sale and volunteering at the food bank filled our calendars with beautiful things for April. We count all of the wins, great and small.  But to close out the month, we took the five younger kids to the Memorial Gardens for the first time, to officially see Patrick's "ornament." I'll have to post about that at another time, I'm still processing it.  

Still Can't Believe it: 1 Year Update

 "Alright, we did it. We got through it. We get the point. Patrick can come home anytime now."

    It still feels like a cruel prank. This can't be permanent. The world needs light. Patrick was the God-given light for so many.  So this just doesn't feel right. Our life verse, as a couple and as a family is Romans 8:28. I know that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and who are called according to His purpose. We are called, we are purposed, God is the definition of good: but this SUCKS. 

    The week leading up to the anniversary date, the schedules were maxed out! We volunteered, had friend therapy, games/practices, and spent time just existing and loving one another. New traditions, old ones- all comingled as we approached the one year mark that seemed to come rather too quickly.  As a self-proclaimed nerd, I've read many books, blogs and articles about grief and the majority of them focus on the first anniversary of the loss.  But to me, it seems like it was yesterday. Time, for me, has stood still. Birthdays and holidays have come and gone, but I'm still standing there in that hospital parking garage saying to myself..."So, no more adventures?"

    The day came and went without much fanfare and with minimal meltdowns.  Much of this was due prayers and the thoughtfulness of our community. The phone rang out with texts, emails, messages and calls of shared sadness and solidarity. Gifts started to arrive and hugs were delivered as well.  The counselors were on standby; they were so gracious to check in.  But the entire week leading up to it...we were a wreck! People see me managing the daily demands of seven kids and their schedules and think,  "Wow, that's so much! I don't know how you do it." But behind the scenes, being counselor mom and solo parent; discerning what foreign behavior is grief or regular ol' testing of the wills is where the full blown exhaustion comes in.  In those moments, I feel the most anguish. I feel the most hopeless as I continually function without the presence  the co-creator of this beautiful chaos by my side.  That's when I truly ponder how this is possible. I yell out to God , "Really Bro? Is this really what you have for me?" But, instantly fear sets in and I yell back, "Not that I'm complaining, please don't take my children."

This is raw.

This is real.

This is ugly.

This is brutal.

This is messy. 

But the best way I can describe our journey as we walk through the valley with others right now is: beautifully, tragically, therapeutic. 

                                                 Pat and His Baby Momma x 7 (2019)

Messy Grief: Transitions & Traditions Pt 2

    So I'm realizing that this journey is anything but linear. It's ugly, it's raw, it's random and so many other things.  As the season of Fall descended and the holidays started creeping up,  the messiness of the grief became more obvious.  To be happy/sad/grateful/angry/somber at any given time was a regular occurrence.  A few days ago, we had a conversation that really solidified that things would be different from now on, and forever.  

    The days leading up to a big day always seem to be the worst.  The day between Max's 13th birthday and Thanksgiving, the kids decided to start talking about our Christmas tree tradition.  To my surprise they wanted to go and get a live tree again.  "It's tradition," they said.  I snapped back, "So is having a husband and a father to choose the tree and carry it!" I was angry and the grief was so raw. I was trying my best to hold it together and I just blurted that out.  

    I ended up just having to tell them that I couldn't do a tree. I could not come home day after day to a tree that Patrick didn't choose, didn't put up, and wasn't going to come home to.  Just typing that really hit me. It just took me back to last year; I just knew I was going to bring him home. I was sure of it.  The kids were disappointed about the tree,  but I came up with an alternative.  I decided they that they could have a few little trees to decorate and honor Jesus and their Dad's tradition if they wanted to. They would have to keep them in their room.  

    So yes there is the big loss. But then, there are so many tiny secondary losses and realities.  The loss of beloved traditions. The realization that I have to make all of these decisions solo. The reality that someone will be disappointed, either myself or them.  I hate making that choice, but I have to.  I just can't do it.

                                                  *Christmas 2020, Keeping the Tradition*

39: Getting Ahead of Pat's Birthday(edited)

I remember it clearly. I was sitting alone downstairs on our gray sofa one night, getting ready to head up to bed. As the YouTube video I was watching ended, the "watch next" suggestion was a preview of  a newsstory: "Chadwick Boseman Dead at age 43." I froze. I was stunned. My eyes were glued to the thumbnail. I didn't want to press play. I couldn't understand what I was reading. I didn't know Mr. Boseman, but like most of us I was a fan.  I appreciated his acting skills and his remarkable ability to bring to life one of my family's favorite superheroes, Black Panther.  Watching him on screen, full of life and vibrance and now gone at thirty-nine years old was unsettling to say the least. 

    Patrick was usually pretty chill about his birthday.  The only time it became a really big deal was in 2018 when we hoped that Benjamin would be born on his birthday but instead, he was born the day before.  On October 17, 2021, less than two months before his passing, Patrick turned 39. Thirty-nine isn't really an eventful age. Perhaps some may celebrate it as the last year of their thirties. But I can't imagine that anyone would think of it as their last year of life on this earth.

     I remember sensing that Patrick needed some encouragement. So, I reached out to some friends and family and asked them to send messages so that I could print them out and present Patrick with a box full of blessings & uplifting notes.  I noticed that as he opened each of them, he smiled.  Reading how much he meant to so many was good for his soul. " Ironically, several weeks later I would be creating another box of blessings for us, his bereaved family, full of notes of encouragement and stories of appreciation for his life.

Yesterday, we all sat down as a family and watched the new trailer for Black Panther 2. When it was over, we all cheered.  Patrick was a huge marvel fan, and the Black Panther movies took it to a new level! As we sat there processing all of the possibilities of the sequel's plot, we realized how hard this must have been for the cast since Chadwick is no longer with us.  So, the tears they cried on screen, were probably real and their hearts must have been heavy as they walked out this reality in real life and in the storyline.  Patrick is not here to enjoy this movie with us.  We can all hear his cheers and excitement in our heads.  His passion and enthusiasm for things came from pure places of appreciation.  Just watching his over-the-top reaction to things was a thrill in itself.  I miss his reactions; We all do. 

I didn't think age thirty-nine would be this significant; Patrick's last year on this side, and my first year as a widow. There, I typed it. I still can't believe it. 

*The Kids named our Black Van "Tchalla" and would do this Wakanda tribute as they entered*

"I thought it would be getting better": Honest & Beautiful Weekend Moments

I talked with a friend yesterday and she confessed, " I thought it would be getting better but it seems to be getting worse." She's a great friend, and very perceptive.  Her kids are also still struggling with this loss, like many of us. They even pray for my littles at night, specifically. I'm so grateful for our village, even the tiniest prayer warriors. I know everyone's grief journey is different but I'm telling you this...it's NOT getting better. It is indeed getting worse. As we are slowly realizing that maybe this is not dream, or a cruel prank. We're not trapped inside some warped video game, this is real. Today, as we headed out for our new tradition "Sundae Sundays", Kendall said to me, "It's the fact that I won't be able to see him in this world, in this life, on this side that really makes me sad." Even typing that, I'm squinting in confusion. How is this so? Like how? 

Max opened up today and he and I have also had several poignant conversations this weekend. One of my favorites was when he told a specific story (I'll let him share) about how his dad was very efficient at maximizing opportunities.  humble his Dad was. "He never said "I'm the greatest Dad in the world" he just was."  I'm extremely grateful for the legacy of humility that Patrick left for us and for the world.  Max was the first to declare that his future kids would refer to Patrick as GrandPat. So, when he talks about the stories he'll tell them, he uses that moniker.  In a time where my son is coming of age, he needs his Dad. I watched him walk onto a playground court and join in on a pick-up basketball game.  He's growing up, but Pat's not here.   

I recalled how Patrick would pray over me every morning. I'd feel his heavy hand land on my shoulder, or my head, as he would silently pray and then I'd hear "Amen." Off to work he would go, or upstairs to pray if he was working from home.  He was so very consistent. We all remember him praying over us. We've also been reflecting this weekend about how he was the "calm". Kendall has some "hypochondriac tendencies", and she was telling me the story of how calmly Patrick would assure her. "He made me feel safe." Even sweet little Amira still asks for her Dad. She is still nursing, and the only child to nurse past the age of 16 months.  Mostly because I've only ever successfully weaned the children with Pat's help. 

Somehow, he managed to be an excellent human being, all while pointing us to the Source.  And even that, makes this harder to grasp.  His humility, kindness, and infectious personality has touched us all. Yet he never made it about him; always about Him. So, we're wrestling this weekend. There have been extreme highs and lows.  There are no platitudes, no scriptures, no number of casseroles that can help.  This just sucks. 

September 18, 2022

I'm Finna Hate Fall

I'm finna hate fall.  I just know it.  When I first started to see the harvest displays at the grocery stores, the pumpkins and the cinnamon brooms, I tried to ignore them. I felt something, but I was already feeling too much of everything else, so I had no space. I had to block it out.  But last fall, was our last fall. I thought it would be a fresh start. Clearly, I was wrong.  I'm rarely wrong about things like this. I hate being wrong; but I can acknowledge when I am. 

We had just moved back to Brandon after about seven years of living in the flourishing south Riverview area. We'd experienced everything from spotty Wi-Fi, to overcrowded roads, and baby budding trees that barely provided shade to the caterpillars.  But in our new, more mature neighborhood, it finally felt like fall. Big, shady trees lined our street, making it a much cooler season than we had experienced in a while. School started up, we were getting into a routine, Patrick's commute was shorter-all things were looking up-ish. We were slowly adjusting and making our home into a home and adding new memories in the process.

I was always the fun coordinator.  I think I'm a pretty boring person in day-to-day life, but I can definitely organize some fun! One of my favorite things to do, was to find new experiences and adventures for Patrick and the kids. Secretly, I would love sending him off with them so that I could have a quiet moment alone in the house-so it was a win/win. Right on the corner was a church with a huge pumpkin patch.  I had arranged for Patrick and the kids to go over, take some awesome pics, and pick a pumpkin.  They came back with 9 pumpkins; one for reach kid and one for him to decorate and take to his job for a carving contest. They had a messy blast but lost the contest. 

Fall is here again, too quickly. It's reminding me that in a few short months, it will have been a full year since we lost my Husbae. I still cannot believe I typed that. And even before that, I get to celebrate Benji's, Pat's and Max's birthdays all within a few short months.  Fall is here again, reminding me that we will not have a fresh start.  I was wrong. 

One thing that many of the books and blogs I've read haven't shed enough light on, is the fact that this type of loss shakes the very foundation of every facet of your life.  No matter how much faith you have, no matter how long you've been a believer, no matter how many encounters with the Holy Spirit you've had-this is physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually disorienting. 

 "Where am I? What's going on? Whose life is this? Where is Pat?"

Community, Clock In!

I am constantly amazed and humbled at how our village of family and friends show up for us, especially in a clutch.  This month I've been overwhelmed at the response as I've reached out more and more for help.  I wouldn't use strong words like "routine" or "schedule", but I can say that I'm starting to see patterns in places where help is needed and effective.  Eight months into our journey and I have to say, it seems like it all just happened yesterday. It's not "Getting better" as some would absurdly suggest; but here are some examples of ways that the community has clocked-in for us.

After a long day at Homeschool Co-op, my sister and Brother-in-law came to the house to take Benji on a one-on-one. He got to go to dinner, the Lego store, and even rode the carousel. Although I was hosed up that day, having them step in and give him that solo time was so very helpful. On that same day, a family friend stopped by after a long day at work and put together bikes for Kendall, Max, and Elijah. 

One struggly Saturday, I was completely overwhelmed, and Patrick's close friend and his son came and took the boys for golf and pizza.  Although the rest of the day was crazy, it allowed them to have some guy time. On the same day, our friends took Avielle to do outreach, lunch and brough her home after. I had a lunch meeting and was surprised to come home, and my sister had come over to take Amira, Kendall and Benji on a neighborhood walk.

Last Saturday was unreal, and unexpectedly so.  The older boys are playing basketball this season on two different teams, with two different game times.  I hadn't fully planned on how that would work out or how tiny ones would get restless in between games.  I was also not prepared for the emotional fallout of a potential game loss. I was a wreck.  A friend came to take the older boys to lunch and to Bass Pro Shop and my sister saw me melting down and offered to take the Baby girls (Avi & Joy) later that afternoon to her house to chill and have some pool time.  That left Kendall and I to spend time together and take the little ones to the splash pad. 

And then, there are days like today. We were hosted for lunch and hugs, but I forgot we had piano. So, I made a call to our awesome music teacher and asked if she could meet us at our friend's house if we set up the keyboard and special space to practice. She graciously obliged and we got to have a great time on a day that started off rocky.  Then, we got home just in time to meet Ms. Jaclyn who came over to lead the kids in Bible Yoga as they focused and meditated on Isiah 41:10. They stretched, focused their minds on the Lord, and had a great time.  Then I received a message, "I'm having dinner delivered or y'all tonight."  

There have been days when it took several sets of people to help hold down the fort. We've had friends host us for breakfast, neighbors to deliver groceries and help me figure the gas can when I've run out of gas (and energy) and couldn't get the van to start. I've had a friend show up to meet us at the mall with tools in hand to replace my headlights and taillight bulbs!  My brother-in-law takes the boys for haircuts, friends send lawn care and dinner deliveries.  My accountability/pastors/counselors who send encouragement via text and calls. And to each and every prayer warrior- we appreciate you.   Every prayer turns into a small dance party, or a belly laugh, or a fun story about adventures with Dad. 

So, thank you, thank you, and may God bless you ten times above and beyond what you continue to pour out to our family. 

                                                                Courtesy of Bible Yogini August 2022

Letter of Loss: The Purpose of the Blog (Jan. 2022)

 *This was originally sent out via email or facebook post at the beginning of this year. Newer readers of the blog can find a short version of our story below*

  On Saturday December 4, 2021, Patrick was out shopping for our Prayer and Produce Outreach.  The morning was usual, except I decided to bring the oldest four kids to him at Aldi and let him get a head start at the store where he would meet Aileen, one of our Community Outreach Leaders.  I pulled up and sent the kids into the store to help Patrick and Aileen shop and load the car with produce for the outreach that would start at 11:30am.  Earlier that morning at home, we decided that I would keep the youngest three with me as it had been hard on them to tag along as the outreach was during their nap/lunch time. That day, after dropping them off, I stayed close and went to Home Goods next door. I got a call from my oldest daughter Kendall about 20 minutes later from Patrick's phone, she said "Dad has a pain in his chest and needs you to come over." So I went over on foot, and when I arrived, he was in Aileen's truck partially reclined  and calmly said "I need you to bring the car." So, I got the van and drove around back to load him and take him to the ER. Patrick instructed Aileen on how to carry on with the prayer and produce without him. She later told me that he made her promise to "keep it going."  On my way to get the van, I called my sister Kandace and asked her to come get the kids.  The kids and I quickly dropped Patrick off at the ER and then I drove them home, about an 8 minute drive. I got them something to eat and ran back out to meet Patrick at the hospital. When I went in, they basically said that he had an aortic tear, and they could not operate and wanted to airlift him to Tampa General.  So, I tried to keep calm and keep him calm, as they made these preparations. After a while, they decided that moving him was too much of a risk and told us that the top heart surgeon was in route to Brandon  to operate on him.  The surgery was more than five hours and although it went well, Patrick's other organs did not tolerate the trauma of the surgery and six days later he passed. Kandace (my sister) was there with me and never left my side. The nurses and doctors worked so very hard, I watched them try everything they could think of. Everyone, every single person, of every age, race, theological background, was shocked. We were all waiting on the testimony of healing on this side. The immediate outpouring of love, support, and shared grief has been humbling. He was the very best of us. One of the last things he said to my (daughter) Avielle was "You did so good baby" as she was one of the most excited to do outreach on that Saturday and was helping him to shop.  Patrick turned down an opportunity to watch the Alabama game with my brother-in-Law, Leon because he had a one-on-one date planned with Kendall (our oldest daughter) later on that Saturday. 

The last thing he was doing before going into the hospital was spending time with his children and modeling servant leadership for them.  They were excited to go out with him and share the love of Jesus in the community. That's who he was.  One of his last accomplishments on the job as Director of Logistics, was finalizing a Mental Health Initiative for his employees that included paid meditation/prayer time, spiritual yoga, as well as other resources provided by the company.  He told me that a lot of people were hurting and going through, he took everyone's pain and story as his own.  Patrick never met a stranger, if you spent 10 minutes with him, you felt like you had gained a new best friend. So very genuine, kind and funny.  He was everybody's hype man, if you had any doubt about what you could do, he would make sure to encourage you.  I’ve known him for almost two decades. He was my very best friend and true love, my partner. He always made sure that the kids and I felt loved and prioritized. He loved the community, family, friends and all of our partners. One of our friends put it best, "the world will be a little darker without him here." Thank you for your support and prayers as we seek God for supernatural comfort, healing for our hearts, and next steps.

Blessings & Peace,

Keisha L. Wheeler

He was just here: Story of Two Photos

For the past week I've been working on photo projects, and I came across these two ...for a second time.  A few months ago, I saw these and I honestly didn't know how to process it. I still don't. One of the things I'm so grateful for, is the fact that I took photos and videos of almost everything.  But in the process, I learned to take several quick snaps in order to capture the right moment.  Often, I was trying to simply get all of the kids to look at the camera at the same time.  On this day, Patrick took the kids fishing. It was one of many times; he loved to fish.  Almost every time, it would take us forever to get set up only for one of the kids to have to potty and the whole trip would be a wrap. Or they would start arguing and scare the fish away.  They didn't understand that the entire pastime was predicated on peace, stillness, patience and quiet. The kids were just happy to be with their dad, doing anything.  And thankfully, I was in the background recording the moments.  

When I looked back at the photos, I realized that I snapped them a few milliseconds apart.  In one, Patrick hadn't yet walked into the frame and then in the other he had just walked in. But Avielle is in the same spot. Scrolling through the pics in reverse, it seems like one second, he was there, and the next he wasn't.  This is painful, this still feels mean and wrong. One day Avielle said, "God heard Dad telling me that he couldn't wait to babysit my kids when I grew up, and He still took HIM!" 

Prayers For My Babies

For some reason on today and yesterday, words and yearnings for my kids began to flow.  Although, I 'm still not praying much more than, "Thank you for salvation, thank you for my support system, thank you for provision." But my heart started to overflow, and I was able to put words to my hopes and fears for my children.  I had a short list of prayer warriors whom I had spoken with recently and I sent the requests to them.  So today, on this day....8 months since my world was rocked to the core, I'm sharing these specific requests. I'm hoping that this will give you all insight and guidance on how to continue to petition God on our behalf. You are so appreciated.

Benjamin

That he would continue to feel loved and accepted and that the anger will subside.  That God will soothe him and that we may support him in his healing. Also, that he would continue to be a light, a comforter, and a calming force.

Avielle

That God will put a hedge of protection around her and her gifting. That she will always feel her father near, and that she will not give in to the temptation and just give up. That she will believe in the goodness of the Lord. That God would place good people alongside her so that she will never feel alone or isolated in her calling. That she will find and rest in her true identity in Him, alone.

Elijah

That he would not quit. That he would tap into the calling and gifting that God has given him.  That he will press through and press on in honor of how Patrick raised him. That he would have things in life to look forward to and be comforted by the Most High God in a unique, almost smothering way! That he would believe in the goodness of the Lord again and wouldn’t be sidelined by fear of disappointment. That he will always feel close to Jesus and Patrick.

Christian

That God will draw him closer than ever before. That he would walk in his calling confidently and boldly. That he will understand that no amount of hard work or perfection will change God ‘s plan for his life, or God’s sovereignty. That he will learn to process through his grief in healthy ways and know that he is uniquely created, purposed, an amazing for whose he is. That God would put people in our lives to be role models for him and that he will know without a shadow of a doubt that he bears Patrick’s image in many ways. That he never feels alone.

     Kendall

That Christ would comfort her and remind her who she is in Him. That she  will have motivation to use her many gifts and talents to be a blessing to this world. That she will connect hard work and determination to good stewardship. That she will never lose the ability to wake up every morning expecting to see the goodness of the Lord in that day: walking in the light of the Lord and the legacy of her Dad. 

Joy

Joy is uber angry and confused.  Pray that God would do a thing and that she would hope again. That she would accept good things without fear of them being snatched away. And that God will just take her to new heights in healing and living in her Dad’s legacy. He’s the ONLY one who can. 

Amira 

That Patrick’s imprint along with the Holy spirit will always make sure that she feels “fathered." That He would soothe her in a supernatural way and keep all doubts, fears, and attacks of inadequacy out of her head. That she will continue to be a strong leader and lover of people. 

Family Updates for July

Lord Jesus, July!

I'm not saying that in vain! I truly mean it. July came in, knocked all the trinkets off of the shelf of general store and ran out the back door with HASTE! This summer was a lot, almost in an overwhelming way. With health drama, extracurriculars, birthdays, milestones and celebrations I feel like I braced myself accordingly. There is a lot to share, so I will only post brief highlights. I hope to blog more in August as follow-ups to some things I'm sharing below. 

The Firsts

For the first time since I can remember, Benji woke up and shouted, "I had a good dream mommy!"  He went on to tell me that in the dream, he was a power ranger.  This started my day off with a praise.  God knows, and so do many of you, how Benji has been having nightmares and night terrors every single night since the passing of his Dad. Mornings are awful for me, but I will never forget that morning as it was an answer to prayer.

One night as we all sat down for nighttime prayer, Max asked God to help him and the basketball team to do well. I heard him carefully crafting his words to make sure that he was shielding himself from any disappointment of an unanswered prayer. (A post for later). Although Max, Elijah and their team lost the game, Max shot the ball! In previous games, he hadn't taken a single shot out of fear of not making it. When he came home from the game he said, "Mom, I overcame my fear of taking shots. I took some and made them! God showed up for me." 

Another Holiday

There was no way to prepare for the fourth.  As the month of July rolled in, I once again began to feel the loss of Patrick in a physical way. None of the busyness could pad me from it, and I didn't expect it to.  I'm thankful for my sister and our friends the Thomases for stepping in and taking the kids as I felt like my feet were in mud the entire day.  We had just bought Patrick his first brand new grill last August after we sold our home and moved here. As it sat unused on a day that our family looked forward to enjoying being together and tasting his award-winning barbecue, the feeling was gut-wrenching.  The ram in the bush came in the form of our beautiful neighbors.  On our way home, the kids were finishing up a debate on whether we could do fireworks or not. Just as we turned onto our street, our neighbors flagged us down and insisted that we come back for food and fireworks.  That took a huge burden off of me and it was a beautiful time for myself and those of my kids who could bear it.

Birthdays

Our "bookends" as Patrick would call them, the youngest and oldest, had birthdays this month. Both were milestones in my opinion. Amira turned two and Kendall turned fourteen. In anticipation of both of those days and on heels of Fourth of July, I was not okay. His absence felt so heavy, so wrong, and so unreal. On a bright note, beautiful friends and families made the girls feel special. We had special friends who were visiting from Tennessee and Kosovo and were able to come by and celebrate with us. God was near.

Fun Things

Avielle and Elijah had an excellent time at the week-long worship camp at a local church. They are two of the most reserved of the kids and to see them on stage, memorizing all of the moves and lyrics as they performed a musical about Jonah was very refreshing for all of us.  For the rest of the month, we had playdates, gymnastics, basketball games, karate and anything else indoors that we could do. We even got a chance to do horseback riding for the first time, in honor of Kendall's birthday. 

Fishers of Men Ceremony & Award

Shortly after Patrick's heavenly promotion, a local charitable organization dear to our hearts came to me with an idea to honor his legacy and commitment to the community. Although I wasn't ready at that time, they patiently waited and we were able to have the ceremony on the 16th.   A young man was honored with the Fisher's of Men award, a college friend and brother in ministry came to speak, and we were surrounded with friends, family, and the entire village. It was truly a beautiful and humbling honor.

Church 3 Year Anniversary

This was tough.  About five years ago, God gave Patrick and I a vision for a church; really, an outreach ministry.  We watched and were obedient as he arranged and ordained all of the pieces to come to fruition in the summer of 2019.  Our entire family hasn't been back to the church for months, it's been too hard.  But on the 24th, we all came together to honor what God had done and is still doing. The service was wonderful, intimate, honorable and we made it through. I'll share more on this later.

Hard Things

Parenting was hard this month. Solo parenting through loss and disappointment is grueling. It was all hard this month.  I had to re-sign a lease, buy new tires, hire a plumber and a couple of other things that I was fully capable of doing, but wished I didn't have to. Things that I wouldn't be doing in my old normal life, the one where my "husbae" was by my side.  I found myself angry this month and just missing our partnership. Life is a lot, and we were better together.  I also pushed myself to go out on a notary assignment and that was a good change of pace for me and I'm looking forward to continuing to do more.  

Immeasurable Kindness

At the end of this month, I received a certified letter from Hillsboro Memorial Gardens. My heart sank, and people close to me know how much I hate dealing with "final things".  The letter was a paid in full certificate, showing that a couple of exceptional people had anonymously taken care of the "decoration" for Patrick's Memorial.   It was only an act of God that carried me through making the customary arrangements for the "Heaven Party" as the kids called it. I later realized that I didn't know how or even where to notify others of the location of his memorial.  So, to have someone think so much of our family and our person, to take care of this...we are watching God carry us. 

Pouring Passionately : Father & Sons

I have often thought about the conversations that Patrick and I had about the children, so many of them. The ones that have particularly stood out to me as of late, are the ones where he would say to me "Sometimes, you're not going to understand what or why when I'm dealing with our sons and that's okay. Some of these are men to men things."  Most of the time, I bowed out.  Although sometimes I wanted to interject, I knew his heart and that I didn't know what it was like to be a father, or a son."

I took notice very early on after our loss at how mature our boys were. They stepped up, big time. I realized that although I was devastated, and still am, that they don't have Patrick here for guidance, he truly did an excellent job of pouring into them and training them to be young men of God.  There are lingering lessons that he taught and ways that he modeled for them that were beyond their years. He laid a rich foundation. When I see them walking out their faith and displaying godly and chivalrous virtues, it makes this seem somewhat bearable. I also recognize the gift of God in giving us such full, intense, lively years of intentional parenting together.  

Patrick was always down for an adventure. I'd research something, plan it and say, "alright Babe, today you guys are doing xyz." He never complained, he just grabbed the kids and set off while I stood by capturing all of the moments in pictures.  I can't remember what research led me to this devotional, "Called to Greatness" but when I did Patrick fell in love with it.  Night after night, he sat down with the boys and had time of devotion.  He taught them about faith, fellowship and family.  It was such a good time of study and enlightenment; they went through it twice and even gifted it to a few other families.  It's things like this that I hold dear, the images of my husband "breaking bread" as he called it with his sons. Making this load for me, today, a little lighter. Even in his absence, he's still a giver.

Family Updates For May

May kind of zoomed by, which I'm not sure is a good thing or a bad thing. There were days, moments that were almost unbearable.  We had one of the worst nights we've had since December. It all boils down to this: we just want our person back. I know that sounds crazy. I know the experts will say we're circling through the stages of grief and are back at denial, but we want our person back. We do. Be that as it may, the outpouring of support, stories and shared grief has helped us muster the strength to make it through May.

So here are the wins:

A List of Beautiful Things

• A friend gifted Joy and I a "Mommy and Me" decorating class and we enjoyed our time together
• The kids played the piano and sang on stage at our church for the first time in 2022 and since our loss.  Thanks to everyone who showed up physically and virtually to support my babies at the recital. They did the hard thing, and my heart was proud.
• We survived Mother's Day. A day that Patrick and the kids made me feel so special. The community showed UP and covered me in a way that was completely overwhelming. I was even able to walk into a bible study group and thank some of the prayer warriors in person. That was a first.  
• My sister went to Mexico for work and brought us back the coolest gifts and authentic treats to try. The kids felt rich with their pesos and custom-made purses and wallets. 
• My brother -in -law got to attend Family Night with us at Kids' grief group. It was an unforgettable experience.
• A couple of friends joined us for our new "Sundae Sundays" tradition, where we get ice cream or frozen yogurt in this case in honor of Patrick. 
• One of our closest friends graduated, and we had family fun celebrating at her party.
• The.Book.Was.FINISHED! The Kindle edition was published as we await the first hardcopy. That project in itself was...I felt like I was floating. There was no way I was "there" while doing all of the things that needed to be completed and turned in to the publisher for this work. 

Family Updates

Joy is starting to enjoy her Sunday Class more and more. She is opening up in karate and even earned a yellow belt! The girl is making moves and looking forward to first grade.  When I see her interacting with friends and coming into her own, it makes my heart happy because I know how hard it must be to press through.  She is aptly named, and although I can tell when she needs extra hugs, I appreciate all of your prayers for my baby. God hears. 

Avielle has had a better month than the last. She is growing so much, reading a lot and expressing her feelings well. She even wrote a blog post that we will share within the coming weeks. Avielle is wise beyond her years.  However, she is still taking this very hard. She is the feeler of the group, the biggest empath of us all. Her heart is tender and her love for others runs deep. She also got promoted again in karate and is one step closer to earning her orange belt. I've noticed that she does better when she has one on one time with friends, and a few crazy schedules made that less possible this month.  Since grief group is ending, she will be seeing the therapist specializing and play/art therapy who works with Ben and Joy.  One thing that made her elated was being able to search and buy Daddy's book. She also loves when we get to go to the pool.

Benjamin is such a sweet kid. He is always the first to want to start the compliment circle that we do at bedtime.  He wants to hug everyone all the time, and he is truly a giver.  Benji is super lovable and is enjoying Sunday class at church.  He was disappointed when Wednesday Night church ended. That was hard for him as routines are crucial during this time. Thankfully, we picked up and started gymnastics at the Y and is loving it.  He finished his soccer season by scoring a winning goal! He received a medal and a certificate and was very proud of himself. He is still struggling with regulating his emotions and having several meltdowns but that's to be expected. Benji prays every night "Lord we just need your help; we need our Daddy back."  Overall, he is a strong, smart, kind, and fun-loving toddler. 

Elijah is really enjoying and excelling in Karate and still our little mathematician and maintains a high A Average.  He LOVES the water, so any time we can get to swim he enjoys it and seems to be refreshed. It's been a struggly month for him, lots of somber days. But he communicates well and even wrote a blog post to share soon.  Many times, I've noticed him go upstairs and start to play piano. I think it calms him down, and also helps him to fine tune his craft. He's a very gifted kid, and I get angry along with him when he yells "I just want my Dad!" I feel him, and he deserves his Dad.

Christian is continuing to excel at karate and in school, particularly math.  He got invited to an in-person audition in for a local film June so he's looking forward to that. Christian also got his first opportunity to volunteer for a vacation bible school in the area. Next month, he will be leading worship for the kindergarteners, which I know he will love.  Rough month for my sonny boy, though. More somber days coupled with a lot of confusion and sadness. He doesn't talk about it much, so his blog post was really a big deal.  I make sure to check on his heart often, and he does the same for me.   I know he is trying to make sense of his faith right now, but I'm so glad he is pressing in to it. As he put it "I love Jesus, I know God is real, but I'm mad." 

Amira has had a few more days this month where she has cried out for Daddy, and I wasn't expecting that. Mostly though, she is happy, bright and kind of bossy.  This month she started going to each person saying "Go 'head, PRAY!" And because she is who she is, we stop whatever we are doing and eek out whatever prayer we can.  God is still using this little therapy baby.  I was having a brutally hard moment and she just started singing "He is FOR you, He is FOR you" from the song The Blessing. She sang it over and over and over again. My one year old , unprompted, sang over me in my despair.  I've witnessed God use her before, and this time was no exception. Amira is very independent and has mastered speaking in full, complete sentences. My favorite thing to hear her say is, "I love you so much mommy, K?"

Kendall is definitely is a bright spot in this situation.  She inherited many things from her dad, and one of my favorites is, her ability to start each day afresh believing that she will see the goodness of the Lord.  She prays every night for everyone who was at "Dad's heaven party." Every single night. We were going to start her in a leadership program at the Y but it got postponed. So we will be signing her up for various volunteer opportunities and then volleyball camp in the late summer. She did get an opportunity to take some classes at the Y and go shopping with a friend and enjoyed it.  She is always finding the light and sharing fun stories about her Dad, hopefully she will blog more this summer as well. 

Me: This month started out with me doing one of the hardest of things: Going back to our church and sharing the instructions that Patrick gave me regarding our ministry, before his passing.  (I will post that story and the speech at another time.) But this month there were several bright spots.  I can honestly say that I have felt God wipe away my tears and hold the pieces of my heart together on many occasions. At other times, I've fallen completely apart in disbelief. Like "what.just.happened?" One of the good things was receiving my first direct client as a loan signing agent. Not only was the closing successful, but I received my first five-star rating.  It felt like God personally set up a much-needed win...and I'll take all of them that I can get.

                                     

                                                  *All Photos used with permission

The Man Test-by Christian

Hello, my name is Christian, and the title today is, “The Man Test”.

One thing I always found myself waiting for was… manhood! Yes, I know that sounds strange, but I was counting the years, impatiently waiting to become a man.  I remember I was eight years old, I ran to my dad and said “Dad! I’m growing a mustache!” So, he pulled out his flashlight and said, “that’s peach fuzz!”  I refused to believe I was not growing up, so Elijah and I would take Dad’s man test every now and then.  I failed the test every time, but it was fun trying. The test consisted of:

1. Not laughing when being tickled

2. Being able to hit Dad's hand before he closed it

3. Not reacting to being thumped or pinched

Back then I couldn’t wait to grow up, but not anymore.  I would like adulthood to come slowly, VERY SLOWLY. I would not like to rush the years anymore because right now, I have been without my dad for a few months, and it makes me sad thinking about looking back as a grown man knowing that I lost my dad at twelve. Even though they were very full years, there should have been more. That’s what makes this situation so stupid to me. Why could there not have been more years?  Y’all I am stumped.  Dad planned to have a big ranch and use it as a getaway for pastors looking for a break. He would say, “We’re going to have horses, canoes and lots of acres for our whole family to live on.” It pains me to think of all the plans we made and did not get to do together. 

But then I think of all that Dad has done. He started a church, a family, brought Jesus Christ to the people in dark places, he did a lot.  Was it all he was supposed to do? We won’t know until the other side.  But, he helped a lot of people and I am proud of him. I am upset, but he is perfect now and we are still struggling.  Yes, hurting and that’s okay. The Bible says "weep with those who weep", and God understands. He does not expect us to be joyful all the way. He wants us to express our grief through tears, it’s okay. Dad always said, “Son, if you need to cry, cry.”  And even though that comforts me a little bit, it doesn’t bring him back.  As sad as that is, it’s true. So, I want to take life one step at a time, grieve as a kid, and then I will worry about the rest when the time comes. To all who are reading this, take your time and grieve too. Love you guys.

Celebrating the Wins; Every Single One

Yesterday was a rainy, dreary day. The kind of day that lends no light to our struggly situation. But I woke with a burden to share the wins with all of the prayer warriors. I am so humbled by the creative ways people have found to bless us during this season. But for those who ask, "What do you need?" I reply, "Please don't stop praying. I don't want to know how this feels without the covering of the prayers of God's people." So, here are those wins and answered prayers:

• THE BABIES ARE SINGING!!!

If you read the very first blog post, you will know exactly why that statement above is bolded and in all caps. A young lady who is a super talented, music aficionado has a music studio and teaches my littles. The way she seems to show up in the nick of time to be a blessing is why I've often dubbed her our "manifested angel." Elijah and Joy will be playing their piano pieces and the other kiddos will be singing. We hope to stream it live from our ministry's Facebook page or record and post it afterwards.  

• Being Honored in the Community 

 A community partner reached out to me to create and organize an award and dedication in Patrick's honor.  A few months ago, I was not ready to even discuss it. She was very gracious, and this week I was able to do a hard thing by finalizing the details.  I pressed on and assisted with the planning and found it to be mildly therapeutic. It felt like a part of my "old normal."  We truly love the community, and he was always looking forward to every opportunity to share love, laughs and an encouraging word with others.  So, to know that someone wanted to honor his legacy in this way truly blessed me at a time that I needed all of the beautiful things. 

• The Book is Ready
  

Today I received word from our publisher that Patrick's book of devotions is ready for print! The team has been a godsend and very encouraging throughout this process.  Their patience and professionalism have been a bright spot during this time of confounding darkness.  I will post later on the backstory of this work.  Just to see something new springing forth from this...I don't even know what to call it...brings me measured joy. To see his words, stories and admonitions is life-giving. 

The Symbolism of the Pot-by Kendall

Hey everyone, It's Kendall here!

I thought I would share with you an experience we had this past Thursday in grief group. It was family night, so we were all grouped together, and our little siblings, mom and Uncle Leon got to join in. For the activity, they gave us a clay pot which symbolized our life before the loss. They took us outside and asked us to drop it on the concrete symbolizing our now broken life. Next, we headed back inside and were instructed to take the pieces and write on the inside our feelings about the loss, and on the outside, what helped us to cope.  Now here comes the tricky part, they wanted us to piece the pot back together. We tried the entire time, and we could not put it all together again. People even came by to help, but we couldn’t figure it out.  Every other family’s pot was put together nicely but some of our pieces were dust at that point; making it nearly impossible to put back together. Our pot was dropped very hard, just like our life. It didn't take me long to say without knowing the depth of my words “I don’t think we will ever be able to put this pot back the way it was’’. Then it hit me, I was correct. The pot had reassured what we thought. Dad was a very crucial part in all of our lives, and without him our lives will never be the same. I have never seen a human love people as much as my dad, and I want to model him in that and in many other ways.  He loved everyone, no matter where you came from or your situation. Thank you all for taking the time to read this. I love each and everyone of you.

Out of the Mouths of Babes-Bedtime Prayers

Bedtime prayer has gotten better. I hesitate to even acknowledge it because honestly, I'm fearful of regression. In this situation, I don't even know if progress is sensible or attainable.  Today, instead of posting a million emojis to sum up our day, I'm going to post some of the most beautifully candid things that have come from the mouths of these little ones during this time. 

"Lord, I know You don't make mistakes, but this feels like your very first one"

"God, please show us You love us, because this doesn't feel like love"

"God we just need our Daddy back so he can play football with Me and Mister. Brother Jerry, and Mrs. Lois"

"God, please give Dad a Big hug for us and tell him we found his stash of candy on top of the refrigerator"

"God, thank you for the insane amount of love Daddy gave us"

"God, please heal the hearts of everyone who was at Dad's heaven party; this is a global hurt"

"God, I feel like You have the candle and You're holding it in another room. We can't see any light. Help us to trust You because all we see is darkness"

"God, please spoil Daddy up there in heaven, because he deserves it"