May kind of zoomed by, which I'm not sure is a good thing or a bad thing. There were days, moments that were almost unbearable. We had one of the worst nights we've had since December. It all boils down to this: we just want our person back. I know that sounds crazy. I know the experts will say we're circling through the stages of grief and are back at denial, but we want our person back. We do. Be that as it may, the outpouring of support, stories and shared grief has helped us muster the strength to make it through May.
So here are the wins:
A List of Beautiful Things
- A friend gifted Joy and I a "Mommy and Me" decorating class and we enjoyed our time together
- The kids played the piano and sang on stage at our church for the first time in 2022 and since our loss. Thanks to everyone who showed up physically and virtually to support my babies at the recital. They did the hard thing, and my heart was proud.
- We survived Mother's Day. A day that Patrick and the kids made me feel so special. The community showed UP and covered me in a way that was completely overwhelming. I was even able to walk into a bible study group and thank some of the prayer warriors in person. That was a first.
- My sister went to Mexico for work and brought us back the coolest gifts and authentic treats to try. The kids felt rich with their pesos and custom-made purses and wallets.
- My brother -in -law got to attend Family Night with us at Kids' grief group. It was an unforgettable experience.
- A couple of friends joined us for our new "Sundae Sundays" tradition, where we get ice cream or frozen yogurt in this case in honor of Patrick.
- One of our closest friends graduated, and we had family fun celebrating at her party.
- The.Book.Was.FINISHED! The Kindle edition was published as we await the first hardcopy. That project in itself was...I felt like I was floating. There was no way I was "there" while doing all of the things that needed to be completed and turned in to the publisher for this work.
Family Updates
Joy is starting to enjoy her Sunday Class more and more. She is opening up in karate and even earned a yellow belt! The girl is making moves and looking forward to first grade. When I see her interacting with friends and coming into her own, it makes my heart happy because I know how hard it must be to press through. She is aptly named, and although I can tell when she needs extra hugs, I appreciate all of your prayers for my baby. God hears.
Avielle has had a better month than the last. She is growing so much, reading a lot and expressing her feelings well. She even wrote a blog post that we will share within the coming weeks. Avielle is wise beyond her years. However, she is still taking this very hard. She is the feeler of the group, the biggest empath of us all. Her heart is tender and her love for others runs deep. She also got promoted again in karate and is one step closer to earning her orange belt. I've noticed that she does better when she has one on one time with friends, and a few crazy schedules made that less possible this month. Since grief group is ending, she will be seeing the therapist specializing and play/art therapy who works with Ben and Joy. One thing that made her elated was being able to search and buy Daddy's book. She also loves when we get to go to the pool.
Benjamin is such a sweet kid. He is always the first to want to start the compliment circle that we do at bedtime. He wants to hug everyone all the time, and he is truly a giver. Benji is super lovable and is enjoying Sunday class at church. He was disappointed when Wednesday Night church ended. That was hard for him as routines are crucial during this time. Thankfully, we picked up and started gymnastics at the Y and is loving it. He finished his soccer season by scoring a winning goal! He received a medal and a certificate and was very proud of himself. He is still struggling with regulating his emotions and having several meltdowns but that's to be expected. Benji prays every night "Lord we just need your help; we need our Daddy back." Overall, he is a strong, smart, kind, and fun-loving toddler.
Elijah is really enjoying and excelling in Karate and still our little mathematician and maintains a high A Average. He LOVES the water, so any time we can get to swim he enjoys it and seems to be refreshed. It's been a struggly month for him, lots of somber days. But he communicates well and even wrote a blog post to share soon. Many times, I've noticed him go upstairs and start to play piano. I think it calms him down, and also helps him to fine tune his craft. He's a very gifted kid, and I get angry along with him when he yells "I just want my Dad!" I feel him, and he deserves his Dad.
Christian is continuing to excel at karate and in school, particularly math. He got invited to an in-person audition in for a local film June so he's looking forward to that. Christian also got his first opportunity to volunteer for a vacation bible school in the area. Next month, he will be leading worship for the kindergarteners, which I know he will love. Rough month for my sonny boy, though. More somber days coupled with a lot of confusion and sadness. He doesn't talk about it much, so his blog post was really a big deal. I make sure to check on his heart often, and he does the same for me. I know he is trying to make sense of his faith right now, but I'm so glad he is pressing in to it. As he put it "I love Jesus, I know God is real, but I'm mad."
Amira has had a few more days this month where she has cried out for Daddy, and I wasn't expecting that. Mostly though, she is happy, bright and kind of bossy. This month she started going to each person saying "Go 'head, PRAY!" And because she is who she is, we stop whatever we are doing and eek out whatever prayer we can. God is still using this little therapy baby. I was having a brutally hard moment and she just started singing "He is FOR you, He is FOR you" from the song The Blessing. She sang it over and over and over again. My one year old , unprompted, sang over me in my despair. I've witnessed God use her before, and this time was no exception. Amira is very independent and has mastered speaking in full, complete sentences. My favorite thing to hear her say is, "I love you so much mommy, K?"
Kendall is definitely is a bright spot in this situation. She inherited many things from her dad, and one of my favorites is, her ability to start each day afresh believing that she will see the goodness of the Lord. She prays every night for everyone who was at "Dad's heaven party." Every single night. We were going to start her in a leadership program at the Y but it got postponed. So we will be signing her up for various volunteer opportunities and then volleyball camp in the late summer. She did get an opportunity to take some classes at the Y and go shopping with a friend and enjoyed it. She is always finding the light and sharing fun stories about her Dad, hopefully she will blog more this summer as well.
Me: This month started out with me doing one of the hardest of things: Going back to our church and sharing the instructions that Patrick gave me regarding our ministry, before his passing. (I will post that story and the speech at another time.) But this month there were several bright spots. I can honestly say that I have felt God wipe away my tears and hold the pieces of my heart together on many occasions. At other times, I've fallen completely apart in disbelief. Like "what.just.happened?" One of the good things was receiving my first direct client as a loan signing agent. Not only was the closing successful, but I received my first five-star rating. It felt like God personally set up a much-needed win...and I'll take all of them that I can get.
*All Photos used with permission
