Getting Ahead of Our Anniversary

I'm posting this ahead of our anniversary as I'm sure it will be beneficial to share.  I have already started making plans to be occupied on that day just to brace myself for the unknown.  For the last few years, we hadn't really celebrated big on our anniversary. Honestly because life was "life-ing" and we didn't prioritize it.  I'm sure if we knew how few we'd have left, we would have cherished them more.

On August 6, 2005, Patrick and I were married on Pensacola Beach right on the sand in the presence of family and friends who honored our request, and all wore white.  It was a beautiful sight. In this moment I remember two very vivid things:1-My grandfather's hand on mine, patting it as he walked me down the aisle. 2-Patrick singing in my ear and telling me it will be okay as I silently sobbed in his arms during our first dance. Both of them are in heaven as I type this and that just kicked me in the chest. At the reception I was crying during our first dance because everything had gone wrong and to seal the deal, the Dj didn't play the right song. I was emotionally exhausted, disappointed and struggling with the fact that of all of the plans I made, I didn't plan to enjoy my wedding and be in the moment.  Looking back, that moment may have been a foreshadowing of these last few years of my life.  But that's too deep for right now.

August 6, 2021 was our 16th wedding anniversary.  The day was usual and busy as we had sold our home and were in a mad dash to find a rental while we decided a more long-term plan. We knew that we didn't want to buy or build in another subdivision.  We wanted to be closer to our ministry area and lessen his commute to work.  Patrick was excited and hopeful that we would find land and I wanted to seriously downsize to a one level home.  I was getting pretty anxious leading up to this day and Patrick was only able to get off of work half day. So that meant I had the kids in the hotel suite solo, and also had the task to pack up and meet him at the house to sign the lease around lunch.  I rushed to the van to load up the kids and Patrick had placed a dozen roses, a card, and a photo gift on the driver's seat for me.  My reaction wasn't what it should have been. I texted him and said "Babe, I thought we weren't celebrating yet! I didn't get you anything, we have a lot of business to handle on this day. I thought we were celebrating later."

 Although I did thank him, I'm not proud of my response. I wish I had not been so pressed and anxious.  After all had settled down at our new home and the essentials were unpacked, we ended up enjoying a midnight dinner delivery date.  I thought we'd have more time.  We needed more time. We were so close to a real celebration, a vacation, a woosah moment.  Our years though, were not rushed. They were very rich and full. But man, I would have taken fifty more. This is crazy.