What's Helpful: Talking About Our Person

Big Hugs. Big Laughs. Big Voice. Big Love. The space that he filled is...expansive.  So please, when you see us, talk about our person.  It's okay. Tell us about the gaffes, the memories, the things you miss about him. Share pictures of fun times of you and him had together.  It doesn't have to be forced, but when you are able to share, please do. I can only imagine how tough it is just mustering the courage and the strength to reach out to talk, check in, or hang out with us.  It's awkward.  You love us, and don't want to make us sad. You don't want to trigger us. You don't want to cue a meltdown. You don't want to meltdown, yourself!  Unfortunately, the gaping hole in our lives right now is unavoidable from the moment we wake, to the moment we finally drift off to sleep. One of the ways that we are making it through, is by continuing to regularly tell our family jokes and stories.  We talk about Patrick all the time.  We can't help it, and we don't want to.  

Although most words, platitudes and phrases of comfort bounce right off of me, there are two things that stuck with me, early on. First, having a bunch of still, framed photos is really unhelpful. It feels cold, harsh, and final. It was never our norm.  So, I bought a digital photo frame and loaded it with some of our favorite pictures. I add to it daily, because the legacy is a living thing. So, we have to live with it and through it, I guess.  He is woven into the fabric of each of our stories and I see him every day in the faces and personalities of these children.  They have his sense of humor, compassion, wit, and eyebrows for sure!  

Next, I had to come to terms with the fact that yes, the December 10th 2021 chapter of Patrick's life SUCKED, but there are so many more chapters that were beautiful and good. Some chapters were hard and tough, but all of them are a part of his story; a great story. So I had to force myself to visit all of the spaces, places, times, and travels. They all happened.  They all matter. They are all real. And despite the ending, the book of his life is definitely worth the read.

Back in February, a kind friend brought Avielle a Memory Book for her birthday.  When it was given to her, we all had a shared perplexed reaction, due to the fresh and unrelenting shock of our reality. "What is this?" Why do we need a memory book? This does not apply to us." A couple months later after a hard, hard night of grief, Avielle picked up the book and begin to read & write in it.  She showed me a question that asked her to name one thing that she feared.  She told me, "Mom, one thing I'm afraid of is that I'll forget Daddy and I never want to do that."  Then she snuggled up in his jersey and went to sleep.

*We would love to keep a collection of stories and memories for our family all in one place.  If you have something to share, now or in the future, please email to : pwheelslegacy@gmail.com*

The Man Test-by Christian

Hello, my name is Christian, and the title today is, “The Man Test”.

One thing I always found myself waiting for was… manhood! Yes, I know that sounds strange, but I was counting the years, impatiently waiting to become a man.  I remember I was eight years old, I ran to my dad and said “Dad! I’m growing a mustache!” So, he pulled out his flashlight and said, “that’s peach fuzz!”  I refused to believe I was not growing up, so Elijah and I would take Dad’s man test every now and then.  I failed the test every time, but it was fun trying. The test consisted of:

1. Not laughing when being tickled

2. Being able to hit Dad's hand before he closed it

3. Not reacting to being thumped or pinched

Back then I couldn’t wait to grow up, but not anymore.  I would like adulthood to come slowly, VERY SLOWLY. I would not like to rush the years anymore because right now, I have been without my dad for a few months, and it makes me sad thinking about looking back as a grown man knowing that I lost my dad at twelve. Even though they were very full years, there should have been more. That’s what makes this situation so stupid to me. Why could there not have been more years?  Y’all I am stumped.  Dad planned to have a big ranch and use it as a getaway for pastors looking for a break. He would say, “We’re going to have horses, canoes and lots of acres for our whole family to live on.” It pains me to think of all the plans we made and did not get to do together. 

But then I think of all that Dad has done. He started a church, a family, brought Jesus Christ to the people in dark places, he did a lot.  Was it all he was supposed to do? We won’t know until the other side.  But, he helped a lot of people and I am proud of him. I am upset, but he is perfect now and we are still struggling.  Yes, hurting and that’s okay. The Bible says "weep with those who weep", and God understands. He does not expect us to be joyful all the way. He wants us to express our grief through tears, it’s okay. Dad always said, “Son, if you need to cry, cry.”  And even though that comforts me a little bit, it doesn’t bring him back.  As sad as that is, it’s true. So, I want to take life one step at a time, grieve as a kid, and then I will worry about the rest when the time comes. To all who are reading this, take your time and grieve too. Love you guys.

Celebrating the Wins; Every Single One

Yesterday was a rainy, dreary day. The kind of day that lends no light to our struggly situation. But I woke with a burden to share the wins with all of the prayer warriors. I am so humbled by the creative ways people have found to bless us during this season. But for those who ask, "What do you need?" I reply, "Please don't stop praying. I don't want to know how this feels without the covering of the prayers of God's people." So, here are those wins and answered prayers:

• THE BABIES ARE SINGING!!!

If you read the very first blog post, you will know exactly why that statement above is bolded and in all caps. A young lady who is a super talented, music aficionado has a music studio and teaches my littles. The way she seems to show up in the nick of time to be a blessing is why I've often dubbed her our "manifested angel." Elijah and Joy will be playing their piano pieces and the other kiddos will be singing. We hope to stream it live from our ministry's Facebook page or record and post it afterwards.  

• Being Honored in the Community 

 A community partner reached out to me to create and organize an award and dedication in Patrick's honor.  A few months ago, I was not ready to even discuss it. She was very gracious, and this week I was able to do a hard thing by finalizing the details.  I pressed on and assisted with the planning and found it to be mildly therapeutic. It felt like a part of my "old normal."  We truly love the community, and he was always looking forward to every opportunity to share love, laughs and an encouraging word with others.  So, to know that someone wanted to honor his legacy in this way truly blessed me at a time that I needed all of the beautiful things. 

• The Book is Ready
  

Today I received word from our publisher that Patrick's book of devotions is ready for print! The team has been a godsend and very encouraging throughout this process.  Their patience and professionalism have been a bright spot during this time of confounding darkness.  I will post later on the backstory of this work.  Just to see something new springing forth from this...I don't even know what to call it...brings me measured joy. To see his words, stories and admonitions is life-giving. 

The Symbolism of the Pot-by Kendall

Hey everyone, It's Kendall here!

I thought I would share with you an experience we had this past Thursday in grief group. It was family night, so we were all grouped together, and our little siblings, mom and Uncle Leon got to join in. For the activity, they gave us a clay pot which symbolized our life before the loss. They took us outside and asked us to drop it on the concrete symbolizing our now broken life. Next, we headed back inside and were instructed to take the pieces and write on the inside our feelings about the loss, and on the outside, what helped us to cope.  Now here comes the tricky part, they wanted us to piece the pot back together. We tried the entire time, and we could not put it all together again. People even came by to help, but we couldn’t figure it out.  Every other family’s pot was put together nicely but some of our pieces were dust at that point; making it nearly impossible to put back together. Our pot was dropped very hard, just like our life. It didn't take me long to say without knowing the depth of my words “I don’t think we will ever be able to put this pot back the way it was’’. Then it hit me, I was correct. The pot had reassured what we thought. Dad was a very crucial part in all of our lives, and without him our lives will never be the same. I have never seen a human love people as much as my dad, and I want to model him in that and in many other ways.  He loved everyone, no matter where you came from or your situation. Thank you all for taking the time to read this. I love each and everyone of you.

Out of the Mouths of Babes-Bedtime Prayers

Bedtime prayer has gotten better. I hesitate to even acknowledge it because honestly, I'm fearful of regression. In this situation, I don't even know if progress is sensible or attainable.  Today, instead of posting a million emojis to sum up our day, I'm going to post some of the most beautifully candid things that have come from the mouths of these little ones during this time. 

"Lord, I know You don't make mistakes, but this feels like your very first one"

"God, please show us You love us, because this doesn't feel like love"

"God we just need our Daddy back so he can play football with Me and Mister. Brother Jerry, and Mrs. Lois"

"God, please give Dad a Big hug for us and tell him we found his stash of candy on top of the refrigerator"

"God, thank you for the insane amount of love Daddy gave us"

"God, please heal the hearts of everyone who was at Dad's heaven party; this is a global hurt"

"God, I feel like You have the candle and You're holding it in another room. We can't see any light. Help us to trust You because all we see is darkness"

"God, please spoil Daddy up there in heaven, because he deserves it"

Pat's Baby Momma- Storytime

Patrick and I affectionally called each other "Baby Momma" and "Baby Daddy." When he would call my phone and his photo would appear with that caption, it would always get a chuckle from whomever was in our company at the time.  I proudly wear the banner of Mom of his Seven Exceptional Children who all bear the image of their earthly and heavenly Fathers. I am honored to have been consistently lauded, appreciated, and admonished as a great mom.   Below are a few memorable stories of some of my best Mother's Days past.

One of the things that Patrick learned is that I loved the gift of quiet, which had been a rarity for the last thirteen plus years. So, one Mother's Day, he loaded up all of the kids told me to "stream church online" and he took them all with him to service. I cranked up my Gospel rap, danced and sang until they got back home. I couldn't remember the last time before that, when I had a Sunday morning to myself to praise and worship with BOTH hands raised. 

 Another time, he rented me a white mustang so that I could ride in stylish silence for the entire weekend! Being able to jump in the car and hear nothing for miles was music to my ears.  But one of my favorite Mother's Days, was when he and my sister Kandace joined together to get me a night away from it all. I slept, ate, took several showers and binged Grey's Anatomy with not a single interruption. It was awesome.

He always took the kids out to buy my favorite things the night before, and their faces would light up the morning of during the presentation. Candles, Journals, and makeup...they knew me well.  Patrick always affirmed me as a mother and taught and modeled that appreciation for the kids. I'm grateful today for having had him as my Baby Daddy and partner on this parenting journey.

Family Updates For April

April was a climb. I'm not going to lie.  Although there were several small and large victories, I realized this month that I don't have my reinforcement.  Raising a family of this size, with the diversity of personalities and giftings was a delicate dance.  It became more real to me this month that we're missing the reinforcement. The teamwork of our parenting was a godsend, and very necessary. Accepting that I am apparently supposed to go at this alone, without my person, truly knocked the wind out of me this month.  As always, I am truly grateful for each of the prayer warriors. Knowing that you're there, lifting us up to the Father is a treasure and a comfort to our souls. Know that the kids are praying for y'all as well.

A List of Beautiful Things

• I got a chance to finish up this round of Mommy Dates with Elijah, Avielle, and Joy. We enjoyed our one-on-one time together.
• A few nights a week, we added the Compliment Circle to our bedtime prayer routine. Each of the kids go around and share what they love, admire or appreciate about their sibling. It is a beautiful time of reflection and takes the edge off of struggle nights.
• We got a chance to have one of our counseling sessions at a new location this month. It was situated on a beautiful property with porch swings, horses, and space to relax while the others were in session.  
• The YMCA Splash pad and pool has been a great way for us to unwind on the weekends, all of the kids had a blast in the water!
• We had a fun time celebrating Joy and my sister Kandace's birthdays, they are only 4 days apart. 
• For Easter we celebrated by attending our first outing of the year at New Life Village.  Then, we headed to Lutz for easter egg hunts and pony rides and ended with two church services on Easter Sunday.
• We implemented a new activity to help our "Struggly Sundays".  We now call them "Sundae Sundays" and we visit a local ice cream shop in honor of our person. We've always enjoyed laughs and ice cream with family and friends.
• Most of the kids will be performing in a music recital later in May at our church. 

Family Updates

Joy is really making strides. She turned six this month, is now able to read family devotionals! She has been standing in worship more and even waking up singing.  She also graduated to Book B in Piano, and is excited to continue to learn. Seeing genuine excitement on her face was beautiful and refreshing.  One area that has been hardest for her is learning karate.  She is often shy and in this season, more sensitive to quick action and loud noise.  But, she pushed through an entire class and was rewarded by earning a stripe on her white belt for a job well done.  She was so proud of herself, and so was the entire class. 

Avielle has had a very hard month with her grief.  I am watching her process through it and doing everything I can to help. So far, looking at pictures, using her new noise machine at bedtime and baths are helpful.  She is enjoying kids grief group and also her time with the therapist.  We all were so proud of her when she became a Yellow Belt in karate. She is having an excellent time learning and helping to teach the younger kids in her class.  Avi looks forward to worship on Wednesday Nights and time on the tree swing in the front yard.  I am thankful for those who call and FaceTime her, the support gets her through.

Benjamin is such a sweet kid.  He loves soccer and we've all been excited to be there to cheer him on.  The season will end this week and we're looking forward to celebrating him and his lil' teammates as they receive their medals. Ben also loves the park, playdates with friends, and Wednesday worship.  Although the night terrors have seemed to subside, he is still really having issues getting to sleep in spite of our routine.  This past weekend , he and I started reciting "Jesus loves me and is always with me", when he gets afraid at night. It helps some, but this part is hard for me. During prayer time he often asks God to bring his daddy back, "Because he was the best and my favorite." 

Elijah is really enjoying and excelling in Karate, we will be signing him up for the summer.  He and Max earned their orange belts this month and we were so proud!  Elijah is also loving the grief group and learning with his friends at Wednesday Worship. He's been having a better month regarding his grief and is communicating more. Looking at photos, telling stories, and planning to do things "like Dad" helps him to process.  Eli plays his tablet and uses his legos in his free time and is a great cook.  He also has an A average in his schoolwork. 

Christian is also really enjoying and excelling in Karate, he is often used to help demonstrate with the instructor.  He is a great help around the house and enjoys putting things together, including furniture. In his free time Max's been enjoying football games on the tablet, helping with the plants, and hanging with friends.  He even volunteered for the dunk tank at Wednesday Night Church.  He's mostly private with his grieving process but opens up at grief group, with the therapist and in our nightly emails.  Max excels in his schoolwork, especially Math and Reading and has an A average. 

Amira is getting big and has a vast vocabulary. She's an excellent little helper and loves following her big brother Benji around.  She loves going out to the tree swing and trying on everyone's shoes.  Amira loves the band, For King & Country, and sings along to all of their songs.  

Kendall has been coming in clutch as the babysitter for short errands.  She's also been helping prepare dinner, and so far, her red beans & rice with shrimp has been a family hit! Kendall is an A student and is excelling in her studies especially Math and Science.  She enjoys Youth Group, lunch with friends and even got an opportunity to volunteer with the toddlers at church on Easter.  Kendall is looking forward to playing soccer in the fall.  She is such a beautiful young lady and a great artist. She is always finding the light and sharing fun stories about her Dad. 

Me: Last fall, I started my journey as a Notary Public.  This month, I was able to meet with and receive training from an industry professional.  It was good to learn something new and it brought me joy. It was refreshing.  I did many, many hard things this month, including attending a class specifically for loss of spouses. I have felt physical pain this month due to the separation of the team of us,"Pat N' Keisha". It has been brutal. BRUTAL.