I've Been Quiet:It's Been A lot

    This won't be cohesive. I haven't been blogging, it's been so much happening at once. A lot to ingest and attempt to digest. It's the end of January and I haven't even posted family updates since October.  Those holidays came in wrecking shop.  The books and the experts talk about how hard the "firsts" will be, but those seconds are brutal.  Since everything happened so close to Christmas for us, we were still numb and in raw heartache and disbelief. But the end of 2022 was indescribable. Completely terrible with moments of joy and God's supernatural strength. We made it.

    I'll start with this current month.  January has been a mixed bag, but it has been mostly hard with moments of light.  My kids who usually don't break down much, broke.  "Where is Pat? What do you mean we can't see or touch him again? We need to hear his voice, on this side?" We want our person back. This is stupid. Thirteen months later, this is still stupid.  We've spent the last several months linking up and loving on families who have also experienced a devastating loss. It's been beautifully, tragically, therapeutic. 

    Two very consistent things have been God's faithfulness and our village. I don't say it lightly, but I can't imagine where we would be without the overwhelming, constant kindness of God's people. I have too many stories to share here, but I will do so soon.  One of the most recent was a bunch of beautiful people working together to get us on our first family airplane trip to visit family.  Yes, I took all seven on a red eye by myself.  We did it. I did it.

    December we stayed very busy.  We planned for my birthday, the anniversary of our loss,  and first true Christmas without Patrick.  We made it, but my birthday was New Years Eve and it was arguably one of the worst days of 2022.  I didn't see that coming. We created new traditions and blended in some old ones, but it was very somber and struggly.  The kids' grief behavior has truly taken up so much of my time and energy. Being a counselor mom, a mom -mom,  a solo mom, and a grieving wife is a new level. A NEW level.

    November was extremely tough as it was the last Wheeler Kid birthday, and also a milestone one.  Our oldest son entered into his teenage years and Patrick was not here. That felt mean and brutal. I felt abandoned. The co-creator of our family is not here to welcome and guide my son into his teen years. That one hurt. I could tell that my son started to get anxious as the day approached. I watched him grapple with his identity, his loss, and the fear of the unknown in this new stage.  He made it through, and I did also.  But it's still a tough journey.  

    We also had our first Thanksgiving without Pat. My GOD why am I even typing that. It was the last holiday of 2021 that we would ever spend together.  Leading up to the actual day, we were crashing all over. So many meltdowns, so much ugly, so much grief, so many questions.  One of the best and most memorable moments that pierced through the darkness was a surprise visit from my baby brother Jaden. Albeit, he's 20 and not a baby, we all couldn't believe our eyes.  Our hearts needed this.  He was one of Patrick's faves.  Patrick and I met shortly after his birth.  My mom, sister, and brother-in-law arranged it all.

    Right now, I'm currently slowing down.  Someone told me a couple weeks ago, "You're entering into the second year and that's hard." I wanted to curse. "What? Why didn't you tell me this last year?". But it doesn't matter what anyone or any blog says, THIS IS ALL AWFUL. I spent the entire year running around putting my kids in all the things, for good reasons, but it took a toll on me and started to have diminishing returns.  So, I told the kids that we have to slow down and start to establish some basic, life-sustaining routines and responsibilities. Church, School, and counseling are our main focuses aside from sheer survival.  I have been posting a lot more on our Instagram account @servingwith7. Please keep praying for us, we're doing all the things.

                                Must Watch: Video of My Brother's Surprise Visit for Thanksgiving 

Community Clock In!-Grandparents Edition

    One thing that I can't say enough is how grateful we are for our community, near and far.  It's for certain, that our kids and our family is loved and covered.  I don't take for granted the outpouring of support and sheer kindness we've received from so many. Being that we moved to Florida over a decade ago with our family, we don't have grandparents nearby.  I always tell people that if I don't know anything else, I know that God provides.  On this struggly grief journey, what we've dubbed borrowed grandparents have clocked in overtime to make sure that these Wheeler Babies experience no lack! On top of being blessed to have them, it's also amazing to know how much joy they bring to their borrowed grands.  The selflessness of our friends who share their parents/grandparents with us in addition knowing that these little huggers are being a blessing makes my heart smile. That's so rare nowadays.  They have been so creatively instrumental in holding us together this year.  Whether they've covered us in prayer, or taken over for a friend trip...They have SHOWN up!

So today, I'm shouting out the Beautiful Borrowed Grandparents and Great Grandparents . If you have:

Taken them to cookies with Santa;

Shown up for their music recitals;

Rocked A little one to sleep;

Cheered them on at their basketball & volleyball games;

Given them swim lessons;

Taken them for a walk to the lake;

Taken them to the aquarium;

Braved the mall to take them shopping

Played Hide N' Seek;

Joined them in one of their EPIC dance parties;

Given endless hugs;

Baked Bread with them;

Taken them Fishing;

Given Unlimited Hugs;

...we need you, we appreciate you, and we thank God for you.  

 

Still Can't Believe it: 1 Year Update

 "Alright, we did it. We got through it. We get the point. Patrick can come home anytime now."

    It still feels like a cruel prank. This can't be permanent. The world needs light. Patrick was the God-given light for so many.  So this just doesn't feel right. Our life verse, as a couple and as a family is Romans 8:28. I know that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and who are called according to His purpose. We are called, we are purposed, God is the definition of good: but this SUCKS. 

    The week leading up to the anniversary date, the schedules were maxed out! We volunteered, had friend therapy, games/practices, and spent time just existing and loving one another. New traditions, old ones- all comingled as we approached the one year mark that seemed to come rather too quickly.  As a self-proclaimed nerd, I've read many books, blogs and articles about grief and the majority of them focus on the first anniversary of the loss.  But to me, it seems like it was yesterday. Time, for me, has stood still. Birthdays and holidays have come and gone, but I'm still standing there in that hospital parking garage saying to myself..."So, no more adventures?"

    The day came and went without much fanfare and with minimal meltdowns.  Much of this was due prayers and the thoughtfulness of our community. The phone rang out with texts, emails, messages and calls of shared sadness and solidarity. Gifts started to arrive and hugs were delivered as well.  The counselors were on standby; they were so gracious to check in.  But the entire week leading up to it...we were a wreck! People see me managing the daily demands of seven kids and their schedules and think,  "Wow, that's so much! I don't know how you do it." But behind the scenes, being counselor mom and solo parent; discerning what foreign behavior is grief or regular ol' testing of the wills is where the full blown exhaustion comes in.  In those moments, I feel the most anguish. I feel the most hopeless as I continually function without the presence  the co-creator of this beautiful chaos by my side.  That's when I truly ponder how this is possible. I yell out to God , "Really Bro? Is this really what you have for me?" But, instantly fear sets in and I yell back, "Not that I'm complaining, please don't take my children."

This is raw.

This is real.

This is ugly.

This is brutal.

This is messy. 

But the best way I can describe our journey as we walk through the valley with others right now is: beautifully, tragically, therapeutic. 

                                                 Pat and His Baby Momma x 7 (2019)

Messy Grief: Transitions & Traditions Pt 2

    So I'm realizing that this journey is anything but linear. It's ugly, it's raw, it's random and so many other things.  As the season of Fall descended and the holidays started creeping up,  the messiness of the grief became more obvious.  To be happy/sad/grateful/angry/somber at any given time was a regular occurrence.  A few days ago, we had a conversation that really solidified that things would be different from now on, and forever.  

    The days leading up to a big day always seem to be the worst.  The day between Max's 13th birthday and Thanksgiving, the kids decided to start talking about our Christmas tree tradition.  To my surprise they wanted to go and get a live tree again.  "It's tradition," they said.  I snapped back, "So is having a husband and a father to choose the tree and carry it!" I was angry and the grief was so raw. I was trying my best to hold it together and I just blurted that out.  

    I ended up just having to tell them that I couldn't do a tree. I could not come home day after day to a tree that Patrick didn't choose, didn't put up, and wasn't going to come home to.  Just typing that really hit me. It just took me back to last year; I just knew I was going to bring him home. I was sure of it.  The kids were disappointed about the tree,  but I came up with an alternative.  I decided they that they could have a few little trees to decorate and honor Jesus and their Dad's tradition if they wanted to. They would have to keep them in their room.  

    So yes there is the big loss. But then, there are so many tiny secondary losses and realities.  The loss of beloved traditions. The realization that I have to make all of these decisions solo. The reality that someone will be disappointed, either myself or them.  I hate making that choice, but I have to.  I just can't do it.

                                                  *Christmas 2020, Keeping the Tradition*

4k Likes -Before the Blog

     I debated on whether or not I should post this, but then I realized something very important... This is our journey, and I have to share what and when I feel led and able to do so.  Last year when we had just made our big move, I joined an organizing group on Facebook.  It was one of my first groups of that nature. After seeing how much stuff we had to move, store, and throw away-I had to get a new strategy for our new home.  I would regularly post in the group and loved the interaction with the other members as we rooted each other on for successfully decluttering, organizing and upcycling our spaces. I had found a place on the internet where I received support and could learn new things.  I would often share with Patrick about the gems I gathered, and he'd watch curiously as I implemented new hacks and storage systems. 

    Several days after our loss, I remember being in a fog; trying to understand and process what just happened. So, I wrote.  One of the things that I wrote was a post in the Organizing Facebook group.  I had shared with the group before about decluttering and donating items, and I was now going to tell them that I had joined the subgroup of people who were making decisions about what to do with the belongings of a lost loved one. So, here is the post.  It gives a lot of information, but also insight into just how numb and confused I was in those initial days.  I'm still not far from that space now, but even in my darkness I hoped to help someone. The post received over 4,000 likes. I don't know if it was the tips shared or the heart wrenching story of my loss.

                                                                    The Post

Hey everyone! This was one of my absolute favorite groups when I was on here. I shared a few months back that I unexpectedly lost my husband. He was 39 we had been married for 16 years and had seven beautiful children. I will be leaving Facebook , but this is not an announcement. This just to update you guys on some things that I’ve discussed here. One of the last posts was about his clothing. Before all of this happened, I had paid special attention to the posts about what to do with someone’s belongings once they were no longer with us. Those posts stood out to me, and my heart went out to each person. I would’ve never in my life thought that I would join the club so soon.

Here’s what I did and what I’m working through.

*Get life insurance

My husband had a small policy with his job that did not offer as much as we used to have. So, I immediately got life insurance*for myself *, enough to payoff *a home at minimum*

Ladder or AAA has good rates *hoping to save someone some time looking, it took me a while. Friendly help, no ad*



*Organize your important paperwork

I bought an accordion file for all of his information, and a separate one for me and my kids. I ordered all new copies of any missing paperwork like Social Security card or birth certificates. Any investments and things like that I put it in there and let my kids and my closest family members know where the file was. I would also include any vehicle or home warranties or any contracts that are outstanding. 

*  Label your unimportant or old paperwork. Throw it out if you can! Do not want someone having to go through all of this for you.

*  Lastly when it came to his clothes, I kept all of his shirts some of his pants, but I washed and gave away a lot of things that we didn’t need to keep. I was glad that I washed them so that I can get rid of them quickly Without overthinking it. 

It’s been almost 6 months. Our family and faith community has been everything to us.

The grace and comfort of God is holding us together. He was a huge deal to so many, especially us. He loved everyone 

*Overwhelmed with the beautiful responses, truly *

              *Pictured above is an entryway bench that Patrick and I refinished. It was our last project*

Family Updates for October

    October was definitely filled to the brim with events, triggers, etc.   There seemed to be no let up and we were pushed to the limit for sure.  But it was also very different; we seemed to experience some new and unique waves of grief. It was weird.  Although I felt God sustaining us, I still felt a lot of pressure. I was so busy I didn’t get a chance to write much and honestly when I had a moment to write I started to just protest the purpose of writing.  

    If I’m honest with myself, that’s why I didn’t sit down and commit to blogging when I had the time. Usually blogging helps me to work through some big emotions but for the first time it wasn’t therapeutic. I thought of it as a daunting task reminding me every single moment of every single day that Patrick is not here, and he should be. "Why are we here? How is this really our life?" That’s just the plainest way I can put it: He should be here. 

So here are the updates:

Friend Therapy was huge this month. We realized even more how important it is for the kids to be around safe loving friends.  I am happy to say that they have a great group of friends near and far who check in on them and take all opportunities to get together for some fun. Also, some of our great family friends took the kids on solo dates and that's always an excellent treat!

Elijah's Basketball team won the championship for his division! That was a GREAT feeling, we were all so proud of him.  

Christian started his official job as a worship leader at our local church for the Preschool classes! He's always been a hit with the little ones, so it's been such a blessing for him to lead, heal, and have fun in this new role.

Kendall started volleyball and we found out she's got a mighty powerful serve! Volleyball is a total new sport for Kendall and our whole family, so we're proud of her bravery for diving into something new and awesome.

Joy got baptized this month! She had accepted Christ as her Savior last year and then her world was rocked. She has always talked about Jesus and understood spiritual things way above her age. We call her the little old lady. But she knows Jesus and loves Jesus and cries out to Him even in her pain. So, when our church started planning our 2nd annual baptism, she told me she would like to be a candidate. For us this was beautiful and crushing at the same time as she would be the first Wheeler baby that would not be baptized by her Dad. I'll write about this more later. 

Benji's 4th Birthday was ...it wasn't the best. Benji and Patrick's bond was special as both of them were the  baby brothers. Patrick was equally close to each of the three boys, but the bonds were uniquely beautiful. I think everyone around us started to feel heavy as Benji's birthday approached. Losing your dad when you're a toddler just feels so wrong.  But God was gracious and so was little Benjamin. As I walked him through the plaza with his balloons in tow and I cried the whole way to the van. He just walked peacefully alongside me. I thank God for my sister and all of the beautiful friends who answered my last-minute call to come and celebrate in a small way with my baby boy. I needed a do-over, but he had a good time and felt loved. 

Our first Christian Hip-Hop Concert was truly one of the highlights of this entire year! I will do a separate post about this, but it was a great way to celebrate the birthdays and the struggles this month. We also had a special guest to come along with us and we all danced, screamed and sang along. There was even a worship set in the middle and just seeing families of all ages and nationalities uniting under this awesome music honoring God was a treat that my heart needed! 

Avielle has made some major strides in her writing and storytelling and is enjoying classes and friends at our homeschool co-op. She's a part of a girl's group and they coordinate what they'll wear and look forward to dressing up!

Amira has been continuing to be a little light and she's now going in to play therapy by herself! watching her go in with a smile to enjoy her time with Mrs. Katherine has been beautiful growth. 

For Patrick's 40th Birthday, we did a hard thing.  There was no singing, there was no celebratory cake, there was no balloon release, there was no faking. Pat should be here so that we could celebrate him.  To get ahead of all of the milestone days I try to have something planned. This day the entire plan went left, but my sister joined in, and we all went to Clearwater beach for the first time since our loss. Our beach. The beach of so many memories.  We took our new babies to this beach; we had our anniversary trip and many birthdays at the resort.  So just going there, to the sand, overlooking the water after our loss...was big. so that was that. We survived it.  

Family Shake-Ups happened this month, with big changes to our routine and thus our healing process.  .My sister went away for a work trip and was gone for ten days!  I believe that’s the longest time we’ve been apart in at least three years.  So that definitely showed us some things. Not only did all of us miss eachother terribly, we rely on eachother to push through. I was proud of her though, because it was hard on her as well.   My brother-in-law was so gracious and took the boys for haircuts a hamburgers and me and the girls got to have some in-home spa time on #therapyThursday. 

Halloween (from instagram post)

He absolutely loved trick-or-treating with the kids. He would do it faithfully every single year. I know that in this “climate “ there’s a lot to be said about trick-or-treating but seeing this beautiful man walk his bright- eyed children up to neighbors’ doors and say , “Thank you &God bless” has probably touched the lives of more people than we will know.
Here is the messy part… I hate trick-or-treating. I hate candy. I usually line up a few trunk -or -treats for the kids for the experience but even that is like pulling teeth. But most of them are excited. Few of them are triggered. Some of them are both. So now it’s one of me and other people have plans and I’m stuck in the middle trying to wrap my mind around this baffling reality. Trying to figure out the best way to honor all of my kids during yet another traumatic first.

My sister and Bro-in-law came and scooped up 3-6 to take them trick or treating. And the oldest two bravely continued in the tradition started by their Dad and they did It together. Y’all didn’t stop checking on me…Thank y’all for praying. We made it . 

Messy Grief - Part 1

 Over the years and throughout my time in seminary, I'd read periodically on the topic of grief.  I was curious enough to read about what it could look like and study some components for my biblical counseling coursework. But superstitiously I thought if I researched it too much, I'd be inviting the premature loss of a loved one. I know that's crazy and it's not the most spiritually informed thought, but it's real.  

After our situation happened, I poured over the bible, devotional, books, blogs, vlogs, pamphlets everything I could get my hands on to try to make sense of what had happened.  But I learned quick and fast that nothing would make it make sense, and that a lot of what I was reading was really general or "removed." The authors were speaking from a space of super spirituality that I couldn't get with.  Either that, or they were so far removed from those first initial days and weeks of the pummeling pain that I just couldn't relate.  I had to shut that all down. So, I started writing.  

As I thought about it, of the sermons I've heard in my lifetime, all of the teachings, biblical lament was rarely a focus.  Teaching about that real space where grief and faith intersect was a rare topic. Yet, it is something that will touch us all.  I have more thoughts on this that I'll share in another post. The raw truth is: grief is messy. And for whatever reason, even though it's something that we all will definitely go through, it's hardly referenced.  It's a subject that's rarely attended to or addressed, in and out of the church.  I thought back to when my granddaddy passed.  When I got back in town from his service, we went to serve at our church, and no one asked how we were.  A few people said "awww, I'm sorry" but quickly moved on. My grandfather DIED at 68! He was a pastor, a loving husband, father, grandfather, friend, mentor, etc.  How was I expected to show up at church and just serve the save God who chose not to heal my grandfather from cancer? Thankfully, the loss of Patrick we have experienced a much different more empathetic response, but sheesh!

So, here's what messy grief looks like, in our journey thus far. There are no lines, no calendars, no framework, no way around it.  Here's an example of what messy looks like for us:

• At times I don't ask for help because it reminds me of my void, and it's retraumatizing.
• Other times I don't ask for help because the fear of disappointment and rejection are now higher than ever
• Sometimes my kids will make such a mockery and mess of our house, I'm sure they're protesting a world that makes no sense.  "When I tidy up and put everything in its place like I did before, it won't bring my Dad back. "
• When my kids can't sleep, they miss their Dad. "I never had trouble sleeping when Daddy was here."
• If my kid disobeys or doesn't complete a task, I have to sit and debate whether to be disciplinarian or counselor-maid.
• Sometimes I'll throw out all of my plans and take the kids to four different parks, just so we can be in nature, and I can meltdown and avoid my seemingly insurmountable Mom List at home.
• I struggle to believe that God can make something beautiful out of this.
• Sometimes on birthdays I open sob with my kids. Many times they are strong for me, too. 
• When I enjoy something, I wonder if my kids worry that I'm healed and over it. Of course, they don't but the fact that I have to even monitor those thoughts is exhausting. 
• I don't think I'll ever be able to hear or use the word "miss" again aside from this situation. It no longer means the same thing.
• Sometimes I type, "My phone battery is low on power" instead of "my phone d*ed". Like it's that deep.
• They hate this house without their Dad in it. This is the house where our lives changed forever. Another reason why getting them to do chores is a struggle sometimes. No amount of order in the house will restore what we've lost. Contrarily, I struggle to function in mess.
• The hardest thing to try to do is to keep your kids motivated to do anything, set goals, look to the future, for two reasons:1) Because whatever they face, Patrick won't be here. 2)The reward for people seeking after God, living a life of love and service abruptly ends with them being promoted to heaven and leaving a slew of heartbroken loved ones behind. Thankfully God handles this for me, I don't even try to make it make sense.