August Family Update

 We started off August with our seventeenth wedding anniversary and ended with Elijah's 11th birthday.  As struggly as they both were, and everything in between, we're here.  Now having celebrated several birthdays, holidays and our anniversary, I'm learning that it's not as hard to brace for the big days. (I'll post more about this later) Here are the updates on what's been going on with us for the month of August. The schedules have ramped up and I'm still trying to get into a rhythm.  

We started off the month by hosting our first play date this year. We loved having friends over for a couple hours, it's therapeutic for them and me.

The kids got to do a few community service projects this month including stocking and organizing at the food pantry, Prayer and Produce with Preservation, and started working on a beautification project for New Life Village's rock garden. 

The kids and I did something new on our wedding anniversary and went to the Tampa Bay Buc's stadium for a back-to-school bash. Later,we were hosted for a delicious lunch from some of our oldest friends who are the owners of Tropical Smoothie Cafe. I made it through the day, with my sister in tow, and all of the kind messages truly helped. No matter how busy we tried to stay, a few of the kids didn't do so well.

A good friend who knew Patrick and I before we were us, came to town and I was so happy to be able to hug and talk with her in person. She's in the "club" also, and she and her husband were mentors while we were dating-such a godly couple.  She came all the way from Tallahassee and brought me a homemade carrot cake!

The older boys started basketball at another local YMCA and are truly enjoying it. They're learning and growing a lot for just having started the sport in June.  We switched Benji to Sports Discovery from gymnastics as he seemed to be getting a bit bored. This seems like a better fit. 

We joined our first homeschool co-operative, where homeschool families meet up once a week to teach a couple of subjects at a local church. So, the kids get their first dose of "School" as they have to change classes and turn in homework to someone OTHER than me. It's quite the adjustment for us, but they love it!  We even get to lead the group in morning devotional. The families, some of which have been our friends for about a decade, are so kind and supportive. 

The kids were over the moon when Wednesday night church started back up. Elijah was promoted to sixth grade so there was a special service to help him get acclimated in his progression from children's ministry to student's ministry. There was a worship night kickoff and ice cream social that was truly an impressive affair!

For counseling, we are still seeing two groups: one for the older ones and myself and another for the younger ones.  We added a third cord to the mix for Elijah, and we are hoping it continues to go well. The counselor is compassionate, understanding and can empathize with losing parents.  He also specializes in anger management as all of us are experiencing different levels of anger, I was pleasantly surprised to find a counselor that looks like him and promotes positive mental heatlh for all members of the community.  We will be starting back Kid's Grief Group next month.  

Every day leading up to Elijah's birthday was a STRUGGLE.  His was the first birthday we celebrated in this new chapter, in our new home. So, the arrival of it just solidified that we were celebrating this time around without our person. It seemed surreal.  I'm so grateful to everyone who sent wishes, gifts and showed up for his very last minute get together.  I knew that we had to get out of town, so we took a quick overnight trip, and he had a blast. I'll blog more about this separately. 

Community, Clock In!

I am constantly amazed and humbled at how our village of family and friends show up for us, especially in a clutch.  This month I've been overwhelmed at the response as I've reached out more and more for help.  I wouldn't use strong words like "routine" or "schedule", but I can say that I'm starting to see patterns in places where help is needed and effective.  Eight months into our journey and I have to say, it seems like it all just happened yesterday. It's not "Getting better" as some would absurdly suggest; but here are some examples of ways that the community has clocked-in for us.

After a long day at Homeschool Co-op, my sister and Brother-in-law came to the house to take Benji on a one-on-one. He got to go to dinner, the Lego store, and even rode the carousel. Although I was hosed up that day, having them step in and give him that solo time was so very helpful. On that same day, a family friend stopped by after a long day at work and put together bikes for Kendall, Max, and Elijah. 

One struggly Saturday, I was completely overwhelmed, and Patrick's close friend and his son came and took the boys for golf and pizza.  Although the rest of the day was crazy, it allowed them to have some guy time. On the same day, our friends took Avielle to do outreach, lunch and brough her home after. I had a lunch meeting and was surprised to come home, and my sister had come over to take Amira, Kendall and Benji on a neighborhood walk.

Last Saturday was unreal, and unexpectedly so.  The older boys are playing basketball this season on two different teams, with two different game times.  I hadn't fully planned on how that would work out or how tiny ones would get restless in between games.  I was also not prepared for the emotional fallout of a potential game loss. I was a wreck.  A friend came to take the older boys to lunch and to Bass Pro Shop and my sister saw me melting down and offered to take the Baby girls (Avi & Joy) later that afternoon to her house to chill and have some pool time.  That left Kendall and I to spend time together and take the little ones to the splash pad. 

And then, there are days like today. We were hosted for lunch and hugs, but I forgot we had piano. So, I made a call to our awesome music teacher and asked if she could meet us at our friend's house if we set up the keyboard and special space to practice. She graciously obliged and we got to have a great time on a day that started off rocky.  Then, we got home just in time to meet Ms. Jaclyn who came over to lead the kids in Bible Yoga as they focused and meditated on Isiah 41:10. They stretched, focused their minds on the Lord, and had a great time.  Then I received a message, "I'm having dinner delivered or y'all tonight."  

There have been days when it took several sets of people to help hold down the fort. We've had friends host us for breakfast, neighbors to deliver groceries and help me figure the gas can when I've run out of gas (and energy) and couldn't get the van to start. I've had a friend show up to meet us at the mall with tools in hand to replace my headlights and taillight bulbs!  My brother-in-law takes the boys for haircuts, friends send lawn care and dinner deliveries.  My accountability/pastors/counselors who send encouragement via text and calls. And to each and every prayer warrior- we appreciate you.   Every prayer turns into a small dance party, or a belly laugh, or a fun story about adventures with Dad. 

So, thank you, thank you, and may God bless you ten times above and beyond what you continue to pour out to our family. 

                                                                Courtesy of Bible Yogini August 2022

Milkshakes & Tummy Aches: Story Time

One of the top priorities for Patrick and the kids was making sure that Momma always had time to recharge and rest.  With such a large family and a packed schedule, solo time to reset was hard to come by. Whenever I was given a night away, I'd usually try to fill it by meeting up for mom dates or sister dates, but rarely did I get time just to myself.  Patrick often encouraged me, "No, YOU go. Just by yourself, you need that time. Time where you're not pouring, you're just existing." I can never quite express how grateful I am to have been loved by the best. 

So, one time, I finally put anxiety aside and committed to a night away. A staycation.  Patrick was always amazing with the kids, so I had to fight being in control and banish the guilt I felt for getting away.  Hotel number one was a disaster and so I ran away. Hotel two was reputable and I knew I'd get a good night's rest and be safe. I didn't even ask what Pat's plans were with the kids, I just knew they'd have a blast.  About four in the morning, I woke up and checked my phone and the text read something like, "Don't panic, but the kids are throwing up. I think they have the stomach bug. If you can drop off some Gatorade at the doorstep that would be great. I'm so sorry Babe." 

It wasn't the stomach bug per se, it may have been the triple thick homemade milkshakes he made with twix bars, kit kats, chocolate syrup. Paired with the "movie snacks" that included Swedish fish, mike n' ikes, gummy bears, and pork skins! He doesn't even EAT pork skins; I have no idea why he felt led to add that in.  So, I left the hotel, ran home with the Gatorade and tummy meds, and went back to the hotel to get a late checkout and to enjoy just a little quieter before I headed back home.  Kendall told me that once they got better, he asked, "Would you do it all over again?" And of course, they all replied "Yes!" 

                                                             Daddy and his girls (2017)

The Unanswerable Question Part 2: "How y'all doing?"

Today I figured I'd answer this question by giving a glimpse into our day. Today is Thursday, August 25, 2022 and here's how it went.

Mornings-Are still hard, and lately they've been getting worse. For a split second today, my eyes opened and I thought, "Okay, I'm okay. Okay enough to function." But within about five minutes, I'm back to, "How can I do this again. I can't get up, I won't."  I looked over and realized that Benjamin had slept through the night in the twin bed in our room for the second night in a row: Definitely counting that win.  As I've mentioned before, I try to schedule everything I can in the morning in an effort to get up and moving. Every Thursday for the majority of this year, I get up and take the littles to play/art therapy. Amira, Benjamin, Joy and Avielle rotate, so we're there for at least an hour and a half.  I knew I had to get up. When I got up, around nine, all of the kids were still sleeping. I yelled for them to get up and get moving so that we could go to Mrs. Katherine's.  With the exception of Kendall, who was headed for a morning at the mall with Mrs. Marcie, everyone got ready to pile into the van. Except for Elijah.  I asked everyone where he was and yelled for him several times.  This week, most of this month honestly, he's been very slow to come downstairs and start his day.  My guess is that he's been dreading his upcoming birthday. I'll post about this later in detail.

Usually I just yell upstairs, but this morning I wasn't having it. So, I charged upstairs to get him myself. When I got up to his room, he was just standing there. I asked him what he was doing, and he quickly looked over and grabbed the cologne and said, "I'm getting ready, putting on cologne." I know my son. My momma-sense went off and I looked at him in the eyes. I told him that I would do just about anything to fix this situation. I told him that it was unfair, and I knew he was angry.  I let him know that he was a great son and deserved his Dad. As we hugged, he held me so tightly while I cried. We were late for counseling.

Counseling went well in the sense that everyone enjoyed talking to the therapist and for the first time ever, Amira stayed with her and allowed me to leave the room to set the other kids up on their schoolwork in the lobby. Because we do schoolwork in the lobby of the therapist office, because that's our life.  At one point, Elijah was struggling with a math problem. He was using online scratch paper and it wasn't working out. So, I broke out my eyeliner pencil, and helped him write out the problem. He ended up with a 91% on the assignment, Max scored 100%. They are excellent at math, but I told them both that I was simply proud of them for pushing through. 

After counseling I visited the Chicago food truck since I was on that side of town to grab pizza puffs for lunch. I got there, ordered and began weeping. The last time I was there, Boyz II Men was playing on their radio. I cried then, too.  I stood there bawling and Joy asked, "Mom why are you crying, what happened?" I replied, "for the next ten years at least, I'll only be crying for Daddy."  All of the kids surrounded and hugged me through it. We only broke up the group hugfest when another patron walked up and said, "Ma'am I'm so sorry, excuse me but I can't get out."  Apparently, I had created a parking space and was blocking all of the other customers in.  We made it home, met Kendall and took a second to exhale from a long morning. 

The kids finally went down for a nap...at 4:15pm, Benji had to be at the YMCA for his sports discovery program at 5:15pm. I had to sit and make a decision whether to let them nap or risk the fallout of disappointment if he woke up and had missed his soccer session. This may seem small but trying to be a good mom, navigate fallouts, on top of vacillating between functionality and soul-crushing disbelief at any given moment is just...I have no words.

After all of this, I take the kids to one Y for Benji, and then back to another Y for Elijah's basketball practice. It's raining, Joy's crying, Avielle is withdrawn and sad, we haven't had dinner and it's 6:20pm, and my phone is dead. Thankfully, my sister and Leon remembered that I said I needed their help, so they met me at the Y and were able to stay with Elijah while I took the other kids home to eat dinner. 

My bed is full of clean laundry, but my kids don't have any motivation to put it away. I don't have enough hands or ears. "What does it matter? Who cares what we wear? Who cares where we go? What's the point of it all?" Some days are like this, and I can't even blame them. We ended the night watching a video of Patrick baptizing Elijah and Avielle last year. I don't know how tomorrow will look, but I want to thank you all, my village near and far, for every single prayer and caring deed. 

Elijah's Bday : Chicago 2019

Letter of Loss: The Purpose of the Blog (Jan. 2022)

 *This was originally sent out via email or facebook post at the beginning of this year. Newer readers of the blog can find a short version of our story below*

  On Saturday December 4, 2021, Patrick was out shopping for our Prayer and Produce Outreach.  The morning was usual, except I decided to bring the oldest four kids to him at Aldi and let him get a head start at the store where he would meet Aileen, one of our Community Outreach Leaders.  I pulled up and sent the kids into the store to help Patrick and Aileen shop and load the car with produce for the outreach that would start at 11:30am.  Earlier that morning at home, we decided that I would keep the youngest three with me as it had been hard on them to tag along as the outreach was during their nap/lunch time. That day, after dropping them off, I stayed close and went to Home Goods next door. I got a call from my oldest daughter Kendall about 20 minutes later from Patrick's phone, she said "Dad has a pain in his chest and needs you to come over." So I went over on foot, and when I arrived, he was in Aileen's truck partially reclined  and calmly said "I need you to bring the car." So, I got the van and drove around back to load him and take him to the ER. Patrick instructed Aileen on how to carry on with the prayer and produce without him. She later told me that he made her promise to "keep it going."  On my way to get the van, I called my sister Kandace and asked her to come get the kids.  The kids and I quickly dropped Patrick off at the ER and then I drove them home, about an 8 minute drive. I got them something to eat and ran back out to meet Patrick at the hospital. When I went in, they basically said that he had an aortic tear, and they could not operate and wanted to airlift him to Tampa General.  So, I tried to keep calm and keep him calm, as they made these preparations. After a while, they decided that moving him was too much of a risk and told us that the top heart surgeon was in route to Brandon  to operate on him.  The surgery was more than five hours and although it went well, Patrick's other organs did not tolerate the trauma of the surgery and six days later he passed. Kandace (my sister) was there with me and never left my side. The nurses and doctors worked so very hard, I watched them try everything they could think of. Everyone, every single person, of every age, race, theological background, was shocked. We were all waiting on the testimony of healing on this side. The immediate outpouring of love, support, and shared grief has been humbling. He was the very best of us. One of the last things he said to my (daughter) Avielle was "You did so good baby" as she was one of the most excited to do outreach on that Saturday and was helping him to shop.  Patrick turned down an opportunity to watch the Alabama game with my brother-in-Law, Leon because he had a one-on-one date planned with Kendall (our oldest daughter) later on that Saturday. 

The last thing he was doing before going into the hospital was spending time with his children and modeling servant leadership for them.  They were excited to go out with him and share the love of Jesus in the community. That's who he was.  One of his last accomplishments on the job as Director of Logistics, was finalizing a Mental Health Initiative for his employees that included paid meditation/prayer time, spiritual yoga, as well as other resources provided by the company.  He told me that a lot of people were hurting and going through, he took everyone's pain and story as his own.  Patrick never met a stranger, if you spent 10 minutes with him, you felt like you had gained a new best friend. So very genuine, kind and funny.  He was everybody's hype man, if you had any doubt about what you could do, he would make sure to encourage you.  I’ve known him for almost two decades. He was my very best friend and true love, my partner. He always made sure that the kids and I felt loved and prioritized. He loved the community, family, friends and all of our partners. One of our friends put it best, "the world will be a little darker without him here." Thank you for your support and prayers as we seek God for supernatural comfort, healing for our hearts, and next steps.

Blessings & Peace,

Keisha L. Wheeler

He was just here: Story of Two Photos

For the past week I've been working on photo projects, and I came across these two ...for a second time.  A few months ago, I saw these and I honestly didn't know how to process it. I still don't. One of the things I'm so grateful for, is the fact that I took photos and videos of almost everything.  But in the process, I learned to take several quick snaps in order to capture the right moment.  Often, I was trying to simply get all of the kids to look at the camera at the same time.  On this day, Patrick took the kids fishing. It was one of many times; he loved to fish.  Almost every time, it would take us forever to get set up only for one of the kids to have to potty and the whole trip would be a wrap. Or they would start arguing and scare the fish away.  They didn't understand that the entire pastime was predicated on peace, stillness, patience and quiet. The kids were just happy to be with their dad, doing anything.  And thankfully, I was in the background recording the moments.  

When I looked back at the photos, I realized that I snapped them a few milliseconds apart.  In one, Patrick hadn't yet walked into the frame and then in the other he had just walked in. But Avielle is in the same spot. Scrolling through the pics in reverse, it seems like one second, he was there, and the next he wasn't.  This is painful, this still feels mean and wrong. One day Avielle said, "God heard Dad telling me that he couldn't wait to babysit my kids when I grew up, and He still took HIM!" 

Prayers For My Babies

For some reason on today and yesterday, words and yearnings for my kids began to flow.  Although, I 'm still not praying much more than, "Thank you for salvation, thank you for my support system, thank you for provision." But my heart started to overflow, and I was able to put words to my hopes and fears for my children.  I had a short list of prayer warriors whom I had spoken with recently and I sent the requests to them.  So today, on this day....8 months since my world was rocked to the core, I'm sharing these specific requests. I'm hoping that this will give you all insight and guidance on how to continue to petition God on our behalf. You are so appreciated.

Benjamin

That he would continue to feel loved and accepted and that the anger will subside.  That God will soothe him and that we may support him in his healing. Also, that he would continue to be a light, a comforter, and a calming force.

Avielle

That God will put a hedge of protection around her and her gifting. That she will always feel her father near, and that she will not give in to the temptation and just give up. That she will believe in the goodness of the Lord. That God would place good people alongside her so that she will never feel alone or isolated in her calling. That she will find and rest in her true identity in Him, alone.

Elijah

That he would not quit. That he would tap into the calling and gifting that God has given him.  That he will press through and press on in honor of how Patrick raised him. That he would have things in life to look forward to and be comforted by the Most High God in a unique, almost smothering way! That he would believe in the goodness of the Lord again and wouldn’t be sidelined by fear of disappointment. That he will always feel close to Jesus and Patrick.

Christian

That God will draw him closer than ever before. That he would walk in his calling confidently and boldly. That he will understand that no amount of hard work or perfection will change God ‘s plan for his life, or God’s sovereignty. That he will learn to process through his grief in healthy ways and know that he is uniquely created, purposed, an amazing for whose he is. That God would put people in our lives to be role models for him and that he will know without a shadow of a doubt that he bears Patrick’s image in many ways. That he never feels alone.

     Kendall

That Christ would comfort her and remind her who she is in Him. That she  will have motivation to use her many gifts and talents to be a blessing to this world. That she will connect hard work and determination to good stewardship. That she will never lose the ability to wake up every morning expecting to see the goodness of the Lord in that day: walking in the light of the Lord and the legacy of her Dad. 

Joy

Joy is uber angry and confused.  Pray that God would do a thing and that she would hope again. That she would accept good things without fear of them being snatched away. And that God will just take her to new heights in healing and living in her Dad’s legacy. He’s the ONLY one who can. 

Amira 

That Patrick’s imprint along with the Holy spirit will always make sure that she feels “fathered." That He would soothe her in a supernatural way and keep all doubts, fears, and attacks of inadequacy out of her head. That she will continue to be a strong leader and lover of people. 

Getting Ahead of Our Anniversary

I'm posting this ahead of our anniversary as I'm sure it will be beneficial to share.  I have already started making plans to be occupied on that day just to brace myself for the unknown.  For the last few years, we hadn't really celebrated big on our anniversary. Honestly because life was "life-ing" and we didn't prioritize it.  I'm sure if we knew how few we'd have left, we would have cherished them more.

On August 6, 2005, Patrick and I were married on Pensacola Beach right on the sand in the presence of family and friends who honored our request, and all wore white.  It was a beautiful sight. In this moment I remember two very vivid things:1-My grandfather's hand on mine, patting it as he walked me down the aisle. 2-Patrick singing in my ear and telling me it will be okay as I silently sobbed in his arms during our first dance. Both of them are in heaven as I type this and that just kicked me in the chest. At the reception I was crying during our first dance because everything had gone wrong and to seal the deal, the Dj didn't play the right song. I was emotionally exhausted, disappointed and struggling with the fact that of all of the plans I made, I didn't plan to enjoy my wedding and be in the moment.  Looking back, that moment may have been a foreshadowing of these last few years of my life.  But that's too deep for right now.

August 6, 2021 was our 16th wedding anniversary.  The day was usual and busy as we had sold our home and were in a mad dash to find a rental while we decided a more long-term plan. We knew that we didn't want to buy or build in another subdivision.  We wanted to be closer to our ministry area and lessen his commute to work.  Patrick was excited and hopeful that we would find land and I wanted to seriously downsize to a one level home.  I was getting pretty anxious leading up to this day and Patrick was only able to get off of work half day. So that meant I had the kids in the hotel suite solo, and also had the task to pack up and meet him at the house to sign the lease around lunch.  I rushed to the van to load up the kids and Patrick had placed a dozen roses, a card, and a photo gift on the driver's seat for me.  My reaction wasn't what it should have been. I texted him and said "Babe, I thought we weren't celebrating yet! I didn't get you anything, we have a lot of business to handle on this day. I thought we were celebrating later."

 Although I did thank him, I'm not proud of my response. I wish I had not been so pressed and anxious.  After all had settled down at our new home and the essentials were unpacked, we ended up enjoying a midnight dinner delivery date.  I thought we'd have more time.  We needed more time. We were so close to a real celebration, a vacation, a woosah moment.  Our years though, were not rushed. They were very rich and full. But man, I would have taken fifty more. This is crazy.