Counting the wins, well trying

I want to start out this post by giving a huge shout out to each and every one of the prayer warriors and our "village." There is not a day that goes by without several people checking on us, calling our names in prayer, and physically showing up to be hands-on to help our family. I am eternally grateful.  This week was crazy, unexpectedly busy, and the support of our community made all the difference.  Playdates, handyman help, meals, and short babysitting stints for overdue self-care.

This week was hellish. I'm not sure exactly why, but it was super busy and unexpectedly so.  Meetings, doctor appointments, hard things paired with the sheer fact that THIS MAKES NO SENSE really created a cyclone of cray cray.   Grief and triggers showed up in new ways. I'm sure that was part of it. Alas, here are some wins:

Joy learned to read music this week! She's only 5, but she is not only teaching herself to read, but she is also learning to read and play notes.

I interviewed a therapist specializing in art/play therapy with toddlers. She sent a proposed plan for Benji & Joy starting next week and I'm relieved to have found her. That search alone took almost every ounce of energy I had. 

We toured the local YMCA to see if the programs would benefit our family.  We got a special tour from the executive director who had a similar story of loss when he was only 11. So, his compassion and understanding for my kiddos was truly appreciated.  

One of our family/community advocates recommended a specialized kids grief group back in December. We were on a wait list and were told we couldn't start until March. We got a call on Thursday that we were moved up and could start that night. Elijah, Avielle, and Joy had an amazing time. It was exactly what they needed. I was glad that something worked.

Kendall, Max, and I are signed up for GriefShare at one of our partner churches which is similar to the kids' group but for adults and teens.  This will be a delicate situation in the fact that, the three of us are empaths. I'm wondering how we will function in a group setting, feeling safe to share but also resisting the compulsion to take on the stories and sadness of others.  

Max, Elijah, Avielle & Joy just joined a local Martial Arts Class at the Homeschool Co-op.  I think it would be great to get out some of that "big energy" that builds up during this season.  The instructor is very skilled and also gave a short bible study in the beginning of class.   This is a double win, because last week I took the girls to try the same class. It was the first time they'd driven past the hospital where we dropped Daddy off when he first felt the pain in his chest. Seeing it again triggered them and they couldn't even participate. They were so shaken up. So this week, we tried again, took the brothers along and it was a success.

The Littles

 One of the trickiest situations to navigate is helping the littles. They don't comprehend the concept, but then again...I'm not sure I do either.  Their emotions are all over the place; at times they're angry, other times they're comforting and cuddly. One thing that makes it more difficult is that even at the ages of 18 months, 3 years, and nearly 6, they are all mature for their ages.  So, I never know what they're going to say, comprehend, or interpret.  Benji in particular, has been one who's taking it the hardest. It's been eighty-two nights since Daddy put him to sleep as he did almost every single night since he was born on 10/16. Patrick's birthday is 10/17- definitely bosom buddies.  

But today, Benji was excited about going to Wednesday Night Kids Worship at a local church.  He got to be in a class with his peers, worship, sing songs, play games, and even made a card for the sick and shut in.  I peeked in just in time to see him being the line leader! He was standing up straight and walking proud in his new shark shirt that he picked out.  For that moment, I was thankful.  He came home and then asked to see pictures of him and Dad at the playground.  Although some of the rest of us had another struggle day, the smile on his face made my heart happy. 

  

The Weekends

 

The weekends are really tough. So tough in fact, that I hesitate to share the details because I understand that the grief over this loss resonates from coast to coast. Patrick was a very special person who fit in specific spaces of people's lives and stories. One of the things that most people know about us is that we would take the weight off of anyone if we could. We understood our assignment of walking with people in their valley places, being their encouragement and rooting them on and out. So, knowing that many of you who are reading this may be in a valley place …is hard. But I’m going to choose to share one of the beautiful moments from this weekend. 

Saturdays are a struggle because that's when we all looked forward to spending some time together as a family. Whether it was one of our few "do nothing" Saturdays, Outreach Saturday or a planned family adventure, we were  just happy to be spending it together.  

This morning our devotional was about Minutemen, a special army force that was ready at a moment’s notice to handle the tough assignments. I tried to block it out because this current assignment of ours seems too much to bear, but I thought about Patrick and how he lived his life. Although he was truly an introvert, he had a way with people that inspired and encouraged them and made them feel seen. No one was a burden, no one was “less than”.  

This Saturday I came across a graduation thank you note from one of the youths that Patrick taught a couple of years ago. I’m posting it below because it brought a big smile to my face. In addition, I got this heartwarming text from one of his managers back in the day. 

“ I struggled to even comprehend the concept of God’s Will until he helped me. Now I pray daily for the knowledge of it and the power to carry it out.  I’m a better leader and a better man today than I was before and he’s a big part of why.”  

These are the stories that help us along this rocky path. 

Here it goes, I'm starting

 Today is the day I'm starting. This won't be pretty, or witty but it will be raw and authentic. A while ago, the kids wanted to start a vlog or a youtube channel. And although we agreed that our family has a pretty interesting life, we wanted to live it instead of film it.  However, Patrick would always joke that mid filming I'd yell some outrageous threat at the kids, and we'd have to cut and start over. He was right.  Serving with Seven was his idea for a title, so this is our attempt.  Due to the outpouring of love, support, and prayers going up on our behalf, I felt that a blog may be a more efficient way of updating all of the beautiful people who think of us.  

I will try my best to update as often as I can, but it may or may not go in order.  Please feel free to share this link and thanks in advance for praying.

Yesterday, we had check ups for Avielle and Benjamin.  I woke up that morning feeling as “Struggly” as I did going to sleep the night before.  I try to make it a point to get out of the house by 10:30am for my mental health . So I got up, got everyone out of the house and headed to the doctor. When we got in the car, we cued up “Keys for Kids” our devotional.  We’ve done our very best to keep doing the things that we usually do including devotional, and nightly prayer, in spite of the fact that we are truly just….devastated.  We put on the devotional, and it was about how it feels when someone pays your debt, or takes your punishment. Specifically, in the event of Jesus Christ taking on our sins. It was a good one.  We pulled up to the doctor in record time. Usually when we would go to the doctor, we would all go in as a group no matter who was being seen.  To pass the time and to prepare for possible vaccinations, we would sing worship songs.  The staff had gotten used to it, and would sometimes stand and listen at the door and wait for us to finish before coming in.  After everything happened, we just didn’t have it in us. As I pulled up to the doctor, I looked back at the kids and said “I need you all to come in with me, I feel like we need to sing.” Max specifically looked at me like “No, not gonna do that.” I then told them, “I don’t want to do it either, I just feel like we have to. We must be who we are called to be. We have to minister to the people in the doctor’s office.” This was the Holy Spirit, nothing in me wants to sing songs. They all sound very different without Patrick, to be very honest. (Another Blog for another day)

Once we got there, I had already determined that I was going to forgo any shots because my heart was already hurting, and I couldn’t take any more crying babies. Medical things have been extremely touchy with me/us as of late.    After everyone got their vitals checked, I asked the kids to sing with me.  Again, most of them were reluctant. The tears started to flow as I explained to them, that I didn’t want to do it, but I felt that we needed to.  So Avielle chose to start singing “Your promise still stands, great is your faithfulness….” (Elevation Worship , Do it Again) I began to weep.  I sang that song to Patrick in the hospital, and God did not “Move the Mountain” as I pleaded.  All of the other kids joined in, Max being the loudest.  I joined when I could, and then cried some more.  I knew God was faithful, even though I was angry, shocked and sad.  After we sang, I felt God’s comfort and peace.  We got shots and labs drawn, with little tears.  The doctor came in and she’s been seeing us for 7 years, so I feel very comfortable and safe with her.  I let her know that it had been a rough morning, but that God was gracious. 

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