Family Updates for July

Lord Jesus, July!

I'm not saying that in vain! I truly mean it. July came in, knocked all the trinkets off of the shelf of general store and ran out the back door with HASTE! This summer was a lot, almost in an overwhelming way. With health drama, extracurriculars, birthdays, milestones and celebrations I feel like I braced myself accordingly. There is a lot to share, so I will only post brief highlights. I hope to blog more in August as follow-ups to some things I'm sharing below. 

The Firsts

For the first time since I can remember, Benji woke up and shouted, "I had a good dream mommy!"  He went on to tell me that in the dream, he was a power ranger.  This started my day off with a praise.  God knows, and so do many of you, how Benji has been having nightmares and night terrors every single night since the passing of his Dad. Mornings are awful for me, but I will never forget that morning as it was an answer to prayer.

One night as we all sat down for nighttime prayer, Max asked God to help him and the basketball team to do well. I heard him carefully crafting his words to make sure that he was shielding himself from any disappointment of an unanswered prayer. (A post for later). Although Max, Elijah and their team lost the game, Max shot the ball! In previous games, he hadn't taken a single shot out of fear of not making it. When he came home from the game he said, "Mom, I overcame my fear of taking shots. I took some and made them! God showed up for me." 

Another Holiday

There was no way to prepare for the fourth.  As the month of July rolled in, I once again began to feel the loss of Patrick in a physical way. None of the busyness could pad me from it, and I didn't expect it to.  I'm thankful for my sister and our friends the Thomases for stepping in and taking the kids as I felt like my feet were in mud the entire day.  We had just bought Patrick his first brand new grill last August after we sold our home and moved here. As it sat unused on a day that our family looked forward to enjoying being together and tasting his award-winning barbecue, the feeling was gut-wrenching.  The ram in the bush came in the form of our beautiful neighbors.  On our way home, the kids were finishing up a debate on whether we could do fireworks or not. Just as we turned onto our street, our neighbors flagged us down and insisted that we come back for food and fireworks.  That took a huge burden off of me and it was a beautiful time for myself and those of my kids who could bear it.

Birthdays

Our "bookends" as Patrick would call them, the youngest and oldest, had birthdays this month. Both were milestones in my opinion. Amira turned two and Kendall turned fourteen. In anticipation of both of those days and on heels of Fourth of July, I was not okay. His absence felt so heavy, so wrong, and so unreal. On a bright note, beautiful friends and families made the girls feel special. We had special friends who were visiting from Tennessee and Kosovo and were able to come by and celebrate with us. God was near.

Fun Things

Avielle and Elijah had an excellent time at the week-long worship camp at a local church. They are two of the most reserved of the kids and to see them on stage, memorizing all of the moves and lyrics as they performed a musical about Jonah was very refreshing for all of us.  For the rest of the month, we had playdates, gymnastics, basketball games, karate and anything else indoors that we could do. We even got a chance to do horseback riding for the first time, in honor of Kendall's birthday. 

Fishers of Men Ceremony & Award

Shortly after Patrick's heavenly promotion, a local charitable organization dear to our hearts came to me with an idea to honor his legacy and commitment to the community. Although I wasn't ready at that time, they patiently waited and we were able to have the ceremony on the 16th.   A young man was honored with the Fisher's of Men award, a college friend and brother in ministry came to speak, and we were surrounded with friends, family, and the entire village. It was truly a beautiful and humbling honor.

Church 3 Year Anniversary

This was tough.  About five years ago, God gave Patrick and I a vision for a church; really, an outreach ministry.  We watched and were obedient as he arranged and ordained all of the pieces to come to fruition in the summer of 2019.  Our entire family hasn't been back to the church for months, it's been too hard.  But on the 24th, we all came together to honor what God had done and is still doing. The service was wonderful, intimate, honorable and we made it through. I'll share more on this later.

Hard Things

Parenting was hard this month. Solo parenting through loss and disappointment is grueling. It was all hard this month.  I had to re-sign a lease, buy new tires, hire a plumber and a couple of other things that I was fully capable of doing, but wished I didn't have to. Things that I wouldn't be doing in my old normal life, the one where my "husbae" was by my side.  I found myself angry this month and just missing our partnership. Life is a lot, and we were better together.  I also pushed myself to go out on a notary assignment and that was a good change of pace for me and I'm looking forward to continuing to do more.  

Immeasurable Kindness

At the end of this month, I received a certified letter from Hillsboro Memorial Gardens. My heart sank, and people close to me know how much I hate dealing with "final things".  The letter was a paid in full certificate, showing that a couple of exceptional people had anonymously taken care of the "decoration" for Patrick's Memorial.   It was only an act of God that carried me through making the customary arrangements for the "Heaven Party" as the kids called it. I later realized that I didn't know how or even where to notify others of the location of his memorial.  So, to have someone think so much of our family and our person, to take care of this...we are watching God carry us. 

Patrick's Book: A Living Work

As you can see in the photo below, I can't bring myself to delete the calendar reminders. "Write morning men of God."  I was always that person for Patrick. He was the visionary, and I was the implementer. He was so zealous and creative, always thinking of ways to improve things and help people. I’d take one of his ideas and go full force in researching and planning.  One of our friends recently texted saying, “He always told me that you were the driving force, he was just holding the wheel.”  

It all started when Pat would send out encouraging texts to the brothers a couple years ago. When I saw all the love that was pouring in from men who had been impacted by his timely texts, I later encouraged him to turn them into a book. He said, “Yeah, okay that'd be cool” and kind of tucked in the back of his mind.   One of the many admirable things about Patrick was his humility. He never felt like, “I’m a big deal” or “The world needs to hear what I have to say.” He was just sharing what God had placed on his heart to encourage the men in his life. Until one day someone asked him "What's the name of that book you're sending the devotions from?" 

Once he finally realized that a book would be a good idea, if for nothing more than to share with the men in his circle, we reached out to a publishing company.  It seemed like nothing would work out with scheduling the initial consultation and every week there seemed a new person assigned to his project.  My discernment bells started to go off and some things seemed shifty.  A few weeks later, as I was being interviewed by an author for her upcoming book on homeschooling moms, I asked her about the credibility of the publishing company we were looking into.  She replied simply, "No." 

So, Patrick went back to the prayer closet and was reminded that a beautiful friend in ministry had a boutique publishing house.  He came to me and said, " Lost Poet Press is supposed to publish my book!" So, when he said that I replied, "Well call them then!" When God told Patrick something, I was surely not going to get in the way.  In November 2021, I remember fiercely reminding him “Don’t forget to email the editor!”  Shortly after his passing, I reached out to our editor and friend and said, "We have to do this, for him." She wholeheartedly agreed.  You can read both of our tributes in the Foreword and the Afterword of the devotional titled, "Good Morning, Men of God."  When it was finally released, I was simply grateful that his work and his vision was brought to life. There were so many talented individuals in place to help to take a simple word document and make it a living work.

I haven't read it in its entirety yet, but I've been honored to receive photos and words of encouragement from those who've ordered and started reading their copies!

Both the Kindle E-book and Paperback are available on Amazon. 

The Accident-Throwback Storytime *with update*

*This is the original text I sent in January of 2022, the accident took place on 12/21/2021*

One month ago today, a few days after the memorial services… Benjamin and I were hit head on in the van. He needed a moment away from the house and I took him about a mile and a half up the road to a dollar tree. A 16-year-old was trying to show Boat (per onlookers) and zoomed out of a side parking lot, sped up and hit us as we were pulling ahead from a full stop at the stop sign. Both airbags deployed and burst. Ben and I were ok, but I didn’t even share this because I was numb. God kept us, but it was truly just…unreal. It was a blur, it was dark, and I didn't even know what the guy looked like.  Patrons from the local restaurants came running out screaming at the guy and taking pictures. Then an elderly grandmother came over, laid hands on Benjamin and I, and prayed over us in Jesus's name.   Benji was so brave he didn’t even cry.  He may have also just been overwhelmed with shock.  Two of the kindest cops came to the scene and talked to me and encouraged me. They stated that they normally did not do crash sites but when they heard over the radio about our circumstance (our recent loss) they wanted to come and check on us. The next morning, I was gearing up for what I thought may be a fight with the insurance company. But when I called in, the representative interrupted me stating that the father who owned the car had already called Geico and claimed fault for the accident. We just got our van back today, lots of memories. Lots of sadness…and divine comfort. Thanks for checking on us & praying.

**Update from July 2022**

A car wash recently opened up near our home.  They have the best vacuums and so we stop there often.  A few weeks ago, as I was headed into the tunnel, one of the workers stopped and asked if I had been in an accident.  I replied that I hadn't since it had been a while ago and I had many other things on my mind.  He said, "Oh okay because I was in an accident a while back and this van looks familiar." When he said that, I asked if he was in an accident in the plaza up the street.  He confirmed and I told him, "Yes, you hit me and my baby."  He replied, "Ma'am I've felt so bad about that this whole time. I'm really sorry for what I did." In that moment, I was able to forgive him and tell him to have a blessed day.  Of all of the things going through my head and heart during that moment, I remember just being humbled and grateful to be a part of this young man's story.  So many people don't get a chance to right a wrong. The fact that he "found me" and I was able to give him my forgiveness was.... I won't forget that."

Mommy & Benji 2020

Hail! Mary! - Storytime

 A few months ago, I got to a place where I was reliving every moment of Patrick's six days in the hospital.  Although I have no medical experience, I was grateful to have my best friend, a respiratory therapist, nearby to help me work through it.  One night, I got that feeling, "Did they do everything? Did they do their best to save Patrick?"  I'm sure this is common, but I remember feeling God's grace in that moment.  Looking back, I know it was Him keeping those thoughts at bay. Because honestly, regardless... here we are and I'm sure those questions at that time could have driven me into a dark, dark place making daily functionality impossible.  Nevertheless, I had to confront them and work through it. I sent my best friend a video message babbling, it was late.  I remember asking, "At the hospital, when you lose someone, is there a meeting? How does everyone know that they did everything they could have to save the person?" I did not get an answer back that night.  

The next morning, a close friend had come over to do some handyman work for us. It was quite a busy day and I was running! It started out rocky because Elijah was struggling and, in his grief, he was being snappy.  We both raised our voices, and I declared a full time out. After I cooled off, I came back and told him that I understood how he was feeling and asked if there was anything he wanted to ask me.  He blurted out, "Yeah, Mom what happened? On that day, what happened?" I told him that I was glad he asked and that I waiting for the right time to tell him.  I assured him that I was an open book and when he felt his heart could take it, I'd share whatever I could.  I began telling him about the day and about one part in particular. 

 "When I walked into the hospital that morning, one of the head nurses, Mary, hugged me.  She didn't strike me as the affectionate type but since we had spent several days together, I figured I was growing on her.  But she didn't let go, she hugged me tightly and that sent off an alarm.  Even then I remember thinking "You don't have to hold me that tight lady, he's going to be fine."

After I told Elijah the details as best as I could, he seemed to feel a little lighter. We all got in the car to drop him off to PE at the local school for his forty-five-minute class.  For some reason I asked the kids, "Do you want to go to the park on Parsons?" We never go to the park on Parsons, especially when Elijah is at PE.  The park is right near the hospital. It's where we dropped Patrick off for the last time.  To my surprise they agreed to go, so I started up the road.  I know this town like the back of my hand, after being in the area for over a decade. But oddly on this day, I got turned around. I realized I wasn't on the right street. So, after making a few turns, I ended up on Parsons. For the first time, I felt super anxious driving past the hospital. As I got past it, I saw a little lady in full scrubs walking along the lake between the hospital parking garage and the playground. It was Nurse Mary; I would recognize her anywhere.

When I saw her my face flooded with tears.  I immediately pulled over in a dirt parking lot across from where she was walking. The kids were slightly alarmed trying to figure out what I had seen and why I was frantically pulling over.  I jumped out of the van, clad in Pat's Preservation Church t-shirt and oversized flip flops, and ran over to her waving my arms. I now realize how maniacal I may have appeared, but I couldn't stop myself. As I ran toward her yelling "Mary, Mary", she stopped, looked around and pulled up her mask.  I was across the street, running to her full speed.  She was an elderly woman, so I'm sure all kinds of things ran through her head, but she braced herself as she realized that she had technically no other option.  

When I got to her, I told her that I was Patrick Wheeler's wife and that I wanted to thank her for taking good care of my Baby. She truly was an excellent nurse; she gave me all of the reports and she cared for him in an "overprotective grandma" sort of way.  Mary replied in a quivering voice, "We loved him, and we love you. Keep taking good care of those babies." Then, I got the answer to the question that God heard me ask the night before. "Mary, but did y'all do everything? Did you do everything you could for him, are you sure?", I asked desperately. She replied "Baby, we did. We absolutely did."

Pat N' Keisha (Spring 2017)

Family Updates for June

While the month of June was eventful, it seemed unusually calm.  Even the kids seemed quieter and more reflective.  There were lots of happenings and several firsts this month.  One thing has remained consistent though; this doesn't seem real.  I had a good friend stop by with hugs this week, and we both agreed, "Weren't we all just all at the skating rink yesterday? Doesn't it feel like it was yesterday?" It wasn't yesterday though; it was November 2021. From the very first day of June to the last, it was a rollercoaster.  But I'm so thankful to God for the way our family and community continue to show up for us. It reminds me that we are not alone, and that the love and loss of our person is shared among so many. Here are the updates:

 Father’s Day Family Trip

Although it was more of a staycation, as it was about an hour drive from our home, I could tell it was needed. We got there safely, enjoyed ourselves and mostly enjoyed being in a new space. That, alone, was therapeutic. I knew that Patrick would have loved the spot we found and that gave me joy. The kids had a blast at the waterpark, felt at home on the beach, and loved looking out at the marina. It was a much overdue break.

 Fun with Family

One of the best times this month was having family come to visit from Indiana.  We enjoyed the Florida Aquarium, a delicious early dinner at Armature Works overlooking the bay and jammin' to the BEST Music. They also treated us to our  Sunday Sundaes  tradition at one of our family's favorite ice cream/gelati spots.  It was all love, all fun, and all very necessary.

 Patrick's First Book

Toward the end of last year, Patrick had submitted a first draft of his men's devotional to the publishing company.  He was so excited and looked forward to having it completed as an encouragement to the men of faith.  A few days after his passing, I reached out to our friend and editor and said, "We have to do this, for him." She wholeheartedly agreed.  I'm sure I'll post more about this work later, but I’m beyond grateful to all of those who helped bring this work to life. Both the Kindle E-book and Paperback are available on Amazon. 

 Vacation Bible School

We began and ended the month with fun weeks of Vacation Bible School. Some of the kids volunteered and some attended but they all loved the music, moves and the message.  They woke up excited each day and learned about being "Designed by God and made for His purpose."  Benji was able to attend his first ever VBS and had a blast making new friends

 Necessary Distraction

Many of our family and friends know that our oldest son is a professional actor.  Right before everything happened, he auditioned and booked a job with a popular kids learning app.  We didn’t know then but we would need the distraction of filming these segments before and after Patrick’s memorial service.  A few weeks ago, the producer emailed me the finished videos and we were all extremely elated.  He did so well! If you have abc mouse, look for a familiar face on the “Fun Facts” Banner on the homepage. In this family, we count all the wins.

Prayer & Produce

The last time that my family was preparing for our Prayer and Produce Outreach, it ended abruptly with me and the kids rushing Patrick to the emergency room.  This month, for the very first time, the Wheeler kids went out and completed the mission.  I’m still digesting the significance of them and their courage to #keepitmoving in honor of the legacy.  I’ll probably post more about this another time.

Individual Updates

Kendall is growing and healing well. She’s been an excellent babysitter. A few down days came this month as this unwanted reality continues to settle in, but she wakes up each day being the light. She even started her first gig, walking dogs in the neighborhood!

Christian and Elijah are doing well in Karate and started basketball at the Y. They are great athletes and I love seeing them encouraging each other on this journey through our grief. 

Avielle and Joy have both been promoted in karate and also love play dates with friends. We call them “the baby girls “ and they are both growing up beautifully and are good helpers. 

Benji finished his first session of gymnastics and is great at backflips and loves the “block pit.” He got to attend his very first Vacation Bible School and loved it. Benji is such a little encourager and he’s growing up too quickly!

Amira is the sweetest, we call her our therapy baby. She’s the little boss and loves to do things on her own.  She enjoys playing in make-up and also imitating any and everything Benji does.  This month, starting around Father’s Day she started saying “Mommy, I need Daddy.” All I can do is reply, “I know baby, me too. I’m sorry.”

Me: I met a friend out for breakfast for the first time in months. I almost cancelled out of fear of being too socially awkward. I overthought what I could talk about or what I didn’t care to talk about, and I got worried.  But thankfully, I didn’t cancel. I kept the date, and we laughed, enjoyed good food and talked about all things beautiful including my Patrick. I was so proud of myself for getting through another hard thing.