Messy Grief - Part 1

 Over the years and throughout my time in seminary, I'd read periodically on the topic of grief.  I was curious enough to read about what it could look like and study some components for my biblical counseling coursework. But superstitiously I thought if I researched it too much, I'd be inviting the premature loss of a loved one. I know that's crazy and it's not the most spiritually informed thought, but it's real.  

After our situation happened, I poured over the bible, devotional, books, blogs, vlogs, pamphlets everything I could get my hands on to try to make sense of what had happened.  But I learned quick and fast that nothing would make it make sense, and that a lot of what I was reading was really general or "removed." The authors were speaking from a space of super spirituality that I couldn't get with.  Either that, or they were so far removed from those first initial days and weeks of the pummeling pain that I just couldn't relate.  I had to shut that all down. So, I started writing.  

As I thought about it, of the sermons I've heard in my lifetime, all of the teachings, biblical lament was rarely a focus.  Teaching about that real space where grief and faith intersect was a rare topic. Yet, it is something that will touch us all.  I have more thoughts on this that I'll share in another post. The raw truth is: grief is messy. And for whatever reason, even though it's something that we all will definitely go through, it's hardly referenced.  It's a subject that's rarely attended to or addressed, in and out of the church.  I thought back to when my granddaddy passed.  When I got back in town from his service, we went to serve at our church, and no one asked how we were.  A few people said "awww, I'm sorry" but quickly moved on. My grandfather DIED at 68! He was a pastor, a loving husband, father, grandfather, friend, mentor, etc.  How was I expected to show up at church and just serve the save God who chose not to heal my grandfather from cancer? Thankfully, the loss of Patrick we have experienced a much different more empathetic response, but sheesh!

So, here's what messy grief looks like, in our journey thus far. There are no lines, no calendars, no framework, no way around it.  Here's an example of what messy looks like for us:

• At times I don't ask for help because it reminds me of my void, and it's retraumatizing.
• Other times I don't ask for help because the fear of disappointment and rejection are now higher than ever
• Sometimes my kids will make such a mockery and mess of our house, I'm sure they're protesting a world that makes no sense.  "When I tidy up and put everything in its place like I did before, it won't bring my Dad back. "
• When my kids can't sleep, they miss their Dad. "I never had trouble sleeping when Daddy was here."
• If my kid disobeys or doesn't complete a task, I have to sit and debate whether to be disciplinarian or counselor-maid.
• Sometimes I'll throw out all of my plans and take the kids to four different parks, just so we can be in nature, and I can meltdown and avoid my seemingly insurmountable Mom List at home.
• I struggle to believe that God can make something beautiful out of this.
• Sometimes on birthdays I open sob with my kids. Many times they are strong for me, too. 
• When I enjoy something, I wonder if my kids worry that I'm healed and over it. Of course, they don't but the fact that I have to even monitor those thoughts is exhausting. 
• I don't think I'll ever be able to hear or use the word "miss" again aside from this situation. It no longer means the same thing.
• Sometimes I type, "My phone battery is low on power" instead of "my phone d*ed". Like it's that deep.
• They hate this house without their Dad in it. This is the house where our lives changed forever. Another reason why getting them to do chores is a struggle sometimes. No amount of order in the house will restore what we've lost. Contrarily, I struggle to function in mess.
• The hardest thing to try to do is to keep your kids motivated to do anything, set goals, look to the future, for two reasons:1) Because whatever they face, Patrick won't be here. 2)The reward for people seeking after God, living a life of love and service abruptly ends with them being promoted to heaven and leaving a slew of heartbroken loved ones behind. Thankfully God handles this for me, I don't even try to make it make sense. 

39: Getting Ahead of Pat's Birthday(edited)

I remember it clearly. I was sitting alone downstairs on our gray sofa one night, getting ready to head up to bed. As the YouTube video I was watching ended, the "watch next" suggestion was a preview of  a newsstory: "Chadwick Boseman Dead at age 43." I froze. I was stunned. My eyes were glued to the thumbnail. I didn't want to press play. I couldn't understand what I was reading. I didn't know Mr. Boseman, but like most of us I was a fan.  I appreciated his acting skills and his remarkable ability to bring to life one of my family's favorite superheroes, Black Panther.  Watching him on screen, full of life and vibrance and now gone at thirty-nine years old was unsettling to say the least. 

    Patrick was usually pretty chill about his birthday.  The only time it became a really big deal was in 2018 when we hoped that Benjamin would be born on his birthday but instead, he was born the day before.  On October 17, 2021, less than two months before his passing, Patrick turned 39. Thirty-nine isn't really an eventful age. Perhaps some may celebrate it as the last year of their thirties. But I can't imagine that anyone would think of it as their last year of life on this earth.

     I remember sensing that Patrick needed some encouragement. So, I reached out to some friends and family and asked them to send messages so that I could print them out and present Patrick with a box full of blessings & uplifting notes.  I noticed that as he opened each of them, he smiled.  Reading how much he meant to so many was good for his soul. " Ironically, several weeks later I would be creating another box of blessings for us, his bereaved family, full of notes of encouragement and stories of appreciation for his life.

Yesterday, we all sat down as a family and watched the new trailer for Black Panther 2. When it was over, we all cheered.  Patrick was a huge marvel fan, and the Black Panther movies took it to a new level! As we sat there processing all of the possibilities of the sequel's plot, we realized how hard this must have been for the cast since Chadwick is no longer with us.  So, the tears they cried on screen, were probably real and their hearts must have been heavy as they walked out this reality in real life and in the storyline.  Patrick is not here to enjoy this movie with us.  We can all hear his cheers and excitement in our heads.  His passion and enthusiasm for things came from pure places of appreciation.  Just watching his over-the-top reaction to things was a thrill in itself.  I miss his reactions; We all do. 

I didn't think age thirty-nine would be this significant; Patrick's last year on this side, and my first year as a widow. There, I typed it. I still can't believe it. 

*The Kids named our Black Van "Tchalla" and would do this Wakanda tribute as they entered*

Family Updates for September

September. September. September was a lot. It rolled in with another struggle holiday without our person and went out with us fleeing the path of Hurricane Ian. Parenting has been wearing me out. The days are getting harder. But I'm able to articulate clearer.  My kids' smiles have brought me joy, and their honesty is golden.  Alas, here are the highlights from September. 

Sharing Via Social Media

We started an Instagram account, @servingwith7.  I found that there were things that I wanted to share about our journey that I may not be able to devote a full blog post to. So far, it's been a great experience to give short updates and share wins. Thanks to everyone who follows us and cheers us on in this valley place. Due to some glitches with our blog subscription box, we also created a website, servingwith7.com. This provides a way to get the most updated blogs, a place to send your stories, and ways to help our family. I'm one of the least tech savvy people I know, but the templates made it easy.

One-on-Ones

Some beautiful friends and grandparents on loan took the kids on more one-on-one dates this month.  It really helped to have the littles entertained and out of the house to enjoy breakfast, the park, and story time at the library. Our community really is everything. We are so grateful. 

Biscuits N' Grace

We also had an amazing time at what Benji has dubbed Biscuits n' Grace. Some special friends hosted us for breakfast and a dance party, and it was so therapeutic. 

Church & Outreach

The kids had Invite Night at the local church, and I was truly in awe as they got excited and prepared to share the gospel with friends they'd invited to the festivities. They have all enjoyed the lessons and learning alongside their friends. In a time where "faith is fragile", they show up and God meets them there. 

This month, I watched the kids do something extremely brave.  We were invited to a Life Group (Adult Sunday School) at the local church to share about Kid's Grief Group and how it's been helpful in our healing process. These kids, The Lord's kids, were so composed and articulate as they shared their struggles and lessons learned about grief. We are grateful to Mr. Shook for the invite, and it was good to look into the eyes of prayer warriors who have been committed to lifting us up in this struggle season. I will post more about this later.

Therapy & Activities

The kids are still doing well in karate, basketball, and boxing.  Therapy has been a great outlet and I'm grateful for our team. We will be slowing down this fall and trying a few new things and will keep everyone posted. I realized that I was running too hard and in the words of Paul the Apostle, although all things may be permissible, not all of them are beneficial.  

Hurricane Drama

Hurricane Ian came through at the end of the month brining some unnecessary angst and anxiety. Some amazing friends encouraged us to evacuate with them to Orlando and then the storm followed us there. Thankfully, the kids slept peacefully through it and got to enjoy fun times with friends as we weathered the storm together. We made it back home safely, with no damage and our power had been restored. Thanks to all of the prayer warriors who flooded our phone with prayers and offers to help.

The Momma 

This past month for me was, it wasn't kind. Even as I type this, I'm just hoping that someone will be blessed in some small way by us sharing what we're reluctantly having to walk though.  But I did two brave things.  First, I was invited to guest blog for Lost Poet Press; the publishing company that brought Patrick's devotional to life. I felt honored to be able to share a word of encouragement, and it felt good to hear from God who gave me the story and words to share. And secondly, I was able to share our testimony and story for National Life Insurance month for a podcast that was bringing awareness to the importance of having coverage for your loved ones.  As the date approached to record the podcast, I wondered if I was ready to share but the host was gracious. I told her that I didn't want to focus on our loss, I wanted to focus on our story and encourage people to have the hard talks.  One thing I've learned is that helping people makes me feel normal. It makes me feel like my old self, when my world was whole.