The Shock Has Worn Off: Patrick Keeps NOT Coming Back

 I'm broken as I type this.  All of the "it will get better with time" comments were simply not true. With time, my five year old realizes that she won't be a baby ever again.  As a baby, she saw her Dad every day and was with him every night. But she's growing up, and she's noticing that life moves forward, and keeps moving even without her Daddy. We cannot access Patrick. There are no more hugs, ever. There are no more laughs, no new photos. I'm completely devastated.  Time only has created a chasm that no one can close. A gaping hole in our lives, that is inescapable. And we build, and grow, and build, and grow and still he is not here to celebrate with us.  He won't be able to laugh at Christian's jokes.  He won't be able to measure Elijah's height against his.  He won't be able to watch them lead worship, or perform in their first play.  He won't be able to walk into Amira's classroom to pick her up.  He won't be able to compete in the "Dads Game" with Benjamin.  He won't be able to take Joy & Avielle on any more Daddy-daughter Dates.  He won't be able to walk his oldest daughter Kendall across the stage at graduation.  This is grief. This is real. It's not a one time event. Patrick's absence fills every crevice.  And as their mom, solo, I have to prepare for the moments. The moments when it "hits them", over and over again. 

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