Benjamin started it off. Even at five years old, his heart is tender for his siblings and their grief. He woke up yesterday morning, and he began to cry. "I don't want the baby to grow up, Mommy." It was so sweet, but also very sad. That's how we all feel. This is the last Wheeler Baby. The Finale. Up until today, I had never had a four year old without another toddler in tow. This is an end of an era, and I had no idea it was coming. Many people were taken aback when they learned how many children we were parenting, but they soon fell in love with them all and understood the gift.
These kids are so easy to love. It's painful to know that there is an ache that I cannot soothe for them. They miss and need their Dad. Watching them grow, mature and develop without Patrick here feels...I can't quite explain it. What was meant to be the gift of a full quiver, now feels like a giant, heavy cross to bear. How can I keep them healed, whole, and happy by myself? This feels more like a punishment than a privilege.
I would cry a billion tears for Patrick, and that seems like it would be easier than trying to solo parent in his shadow. I love these children. He loved these children. They are indeed the very best of Patrick and I. But today a chapter ended, and I have no idea what the next one holds. Our last baby. The last of me and Patrick has turned four. The finale is four.
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