This won't be cohesive. I haven't been blogging, it's been so much happening at once. A lot to ingest and attempt to digest. It's the end of January and I haven't even posted family updates since October. Those holidays came in wrecking shop. The books and the experts talk about how hard the "firsts" will be, but those seconds are brutal. Since everything happened so close to Christmas for us, we were still numb and in raw heartache and disbelief. But the end of 2022 was indescribable. Completely terrible with moments of joy and God's supernatural strength. We made it.
I'll start with this current month. January has been a mixed bag, but it has been mostly hard with moments of light. My kids who usually don't break down much, broke. "Where is Pat? What do you mean we can't see or touch him again? We need to hear his voice, on this side?" We want our person back. This is stupid. Thirteen months later, this is still stupid. We've spent the last several months linking up and loving on families who have also experienced a devastating loss. It's been beautifully, tragically, therapeutic.
Two very consistent things have been God's faithfulness and our village. I don't say it lightly, but I can't imagine where we would be without the overwhelming, constant kindness of God's people. I have too many stories to share here, but I will do so soon. One of the most recent was a bunch of beautiful people working together to get us on our first family airplane trip to visit family. Yes, I took all seven on a red eye by myself. We did it. I did it.
December we stayed very busy. We planned for my birthday, the anniversary of our loss, and first true Christmas without Patrick. We made it, but my birthday was New Years Eve and it was arguably one of the worst days of 2022. I didn't see that coming. We created new traditions and blended in some old ones, but it was very somber and struggly. The kids' grief behavior has truly taken up so much of my time and energy. Being a counselor mom, a mom -mom, a solo mom, and a grieving wife is a new level. A NEW level.
November was extremely tough as it was the last Wheeler Kid birthday, and also a milestone one. Our oldest son entered into his teenage years and Patrick was not here. That felt mean and brutal. I felt abandoned. The co-creator of our family is not here to welcome and guide my son into his teen years. That one hurt. I could tell that my son started to get anxious as the day approached. I watched him grapple with his identity, his loss, and the fear of the unknown in this new stage. He made it through, and I did also. But it's still a tough journey.
We also had our first Thanksgiving without Pat. My GOD why am I even typing that. It was the last holiday of 2021 that we would ever spend together. Leading up to the actual day, we were crashing all over. So many meltdowns, so much ugly, so much grief, so many questions. One of the best and most memorable moments that pierced through the darkness was a surprise visit from my baby brother Jaden. Albeit, he's 20 and not a baby, we all couldn't believe our eyes. Our hearts needed this. He was one of Patrick's faves. Patrick and I met shortly after his birth. My mom, sister, and brother-in-law arranged it all.
Right now, I'm currently slowing down. Someone told me a couple weeks ago, "You're entering into the second year and that's hard." I wanted to curse. "What? Why didn't you tell me this last year?". But it doesn't matter what anyone or any blog says, THIS IS ALL AWFUL. I spent the entire year running around putting my kids in all the things, for good reasons, but it took a toll on me and started to have diminishing returns. So, I told the kids that we have to slow down and start to establish some basic, life-sustaining routines and responsibilities. Church, School, and counseling are our main focuses aside from sheer survival. I have been posting a lot more on our Instagram account @servingwith7. Please keep praying for us, we're doing all the things.
Must Watch: Video of My Brother's Surprise Visit for Thanksgiving
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